"Do not stand in the center if you do not wish to be shaken. There is always danger when the movement comes. Its force is most powerful underneath the surface, then breaks through the hardest of ground. Epic change moves from the inside out." -Ayden, The Perils of Ayden

Something monumental is happening. What is brewing in the depths of my soul ... the deep groanings that I can barely hear ... are slowly making their way to the surface. The eerie cry that beats inside of me is awakening the world around me and I'm actually beginning to believe I have a message that it longs to hear. As I struggle through my own identity crisis, I find pieces of my core in the memoirs of my past and in the glimpses of my future. Both are beckoning me ... taunting me with idealistic scenarios of an adventurous life. My fear of regression keeps me from abandoning even the smallest pieces of my existing status that I feel are equally as detrimental as those in my previous journey. It's almost as if my desire to find equilibrium in the middle is stifled by the chance that I may forfeit all that I've become. Understanding sets in that I wasn't made to live in either extremities of the pendulum swing. If only I could combine the chaos to create an authentic expression that satisfies the cravings of my soul.

It's in these brief hours of opposition, however, that a warrior emerges from behind the confusion. It's in these moments ... the moments where I am one step closer to a point of impact ... that I am reunited with the truest of myself. For though I am shaken, I will not be destroyed. And that brings me peace for the night.

Tomorrow is another chance to find what I'm made of.

As with many in our generation, we have been inundated with national tragedies that have shaped who we are becoming. Twelve years ago this week, I sat in my sixth grade classroom horrified by the news of the Oklahoma City bombings. The front page image of a fireman holding a tiny infant with a torn dress and scathed skin are forever ingrained in my mind. Eight years ago today, I sat in, yet another, classroom as we were informed of the Columbine shootings. The eerie similarities between the demographics of their town and students and ours sent fear throughout our school and the threats began almost instantly. Trench coats began to appear around each corner and lock downs became routine in the following weeks as bomb threats poured in. Fast-forward a few years and I'm sitting in another classroom, this time it's my first semester of college. I gather my things and rush out to the parking lot so that I could make it to my internship on time and panicked confusion is on each radio station as the students around me were frantically dialing numbers on their cell phones. I couldn't understand what the DJs were saying on my car radio. What's with these planes and New York? Another one? The pentagon? I'm confused. I rushed up to the top floor of our building in downtown Wichita where our firm was located. My heart was racing, everything seemed to be so disoriented ... the conference room was packed as everyone watched the big screen. I stepped inside and joined my team and witnessed the collapse of the first tower. Hysteria. Tears. Disbelief. The camera shaking and reporters screaming. People running in each direction. Smoke. Confusion. Fear. Then the second. Is this real? 1500 miles away from the scene and we're being evacuated and sent home. War. Fast-forward two years. I'm visiting a friend at work after getting out of class. My phone rang. I collapse on the parking lot concrete as I am told that a good friend from high school has been killed in Iraq. Fast-forward again. The serial killer BTK re-emerges in my home town creating a new wave of terror amongst young women. In my own neighborhood, he left messages of past murders for the media and city officials to find and I spent countless hours laying in bed, wide awake, contemplating how I would escape if he entered my apartment. Even after his capture, I keep my closet doors open and sleep with my phone by my pillow. Fast forward. Hurricane Katrina shocks our nation and leaves us devistated ... we're still recovering. We're becoming numb to these events and are now realizing that there are so many things that are out of control. Fast forward two years. I'm in India and and begin to understand that these pivotal moments of my memory are a harsh reality to those in other countries. I now sit in my office (at a university) and remember that just last week one of our student workers was on the phone speaking to his parents back home in Baghdad trying to find out if everyone was ok after a bomb obliterated a bridge near their home. This week, my email has been flooded with safety procedures from our university's president in case a similar events would occur here, such as the one at Virginia Tech on Monday. And it doesn't end ... nor will it. Driving to work yesterday, my roommate was diverted from the downtown area (just blocks from our house) because a man had set himself on fire in the courthouse and had left a bag next to him ... feared to be a bomb.

The question is ... will we push on? Will we defy the adversity and try just as hard to create memories for future generations that don't involve hate and destruction and fear? To TC and his friend ... thanks for being a voice of hope to all of us here in the LBC. We're proud of you and so very thankful that your ok.

(I was inspired by this excerpt my roommate Lindsey wrote about her brother, TC.)

"here's a picture from yahoo!news, taken at virginia tech's convocation yesterday. the guy in the middle, the super hunky one with the furrowed brow, is my baby brother TC Montague.

TC is a freshman engineering major, and lives about 100 yards from the now infamous norris hall. this is my chance to tell my friends how much i love him.

like most VT students, he spent the scariest 24 hours of his life giving articulate interviews to various news organizations. his sorrow over losing 4 friends was broadcast on tuesday over every major network in the world. if you watched the convocation on TV, you could see him hand over heart singing the star spangled banner.

when i was his age, we weren't at war, the stock market rose every single day, and i'd never really feared for my safety. he's 19 and grew up in the suburbs, but he's been on the front lines of too many frightening events. the beltway sniper, the DC area anthrax terrorism. september 11th hit his back yard. on his first day of college, on the way to his first class, a police sniper on a roof told him to "get down!" he later learned an escaped convict had gunned down two people and was on the loose within his campus. and on monday, he stepped out of his dorm into a war zone. after being ordered back into the building, he and his friends watched from their windows as bodies were being removed from classrooms and loaded into refrigerator trucks.

though his words are filled with resilience, resolve, and hokie pride, i know he and his friends are forever changed. my heart breaks when i hear it in his voice. their confusion ranges from "why?" to "what now?" to "what do we say at a job interview with virginia tech on our resumes?" no one knows what to do; he said professors were emailing students saying 'write back to let me know you're okay, and consider this your last assignment for the semester.'

unlike the rest of america, he didn't need to look at the list of victims; he knew who was missing by word of mouth and by looking around. TC said he spent five hours straight on the phone that day, never hanging up, just flashing to the next call. he's got stories, like the fortunate friend who showed up for class, reached for the door, and thought 'weird, why's it chained?' he told the washington post how strange it was to be living what everyone else is watching. i can't even imagine.

anyway, i'm 3,000 miles away so this is my hug to my very courageous, very ALIVE baby brother." Lindsey M.

closet compassionate

(April 11th, 2007)

Easter :: The day that represents new life.

“When I respect the image of God in others, I protect the image of God in me. When Jesus speaks of loving our neighbor, it isn’t just for our neighbor’s sake. If we don’t love our neighbor, something happens to us.” Rob Bell (from latest book Sex God)

One year ago this Easter, I decided that I would no longer participate in objectifying myself or another human being out of the lustful notion that they would actually fill some void for acceptance or power in my life.

Because God is for purpose and beauty and meaning.

And I want my life, my story to have purpose and beauty and meaning.

In this year I have laughed more, embarked on adventures previously unimaginable, met extraordinary people, asked some insanely difficult questions, ached for a humanity I was unfamiliar with and have become more intentional about the way I live my life than ever before.

In the process of coming into my own, I found that (a year and thousands of conversations later) I’m still trying to convince people that not everything is as it seems [prooving to others that there’s more to me and to the world than what meets the eye]. It’s exhausting and I’m often misunderstood. And I’m thinking it is because I’ve misunderstood myself and the power of being fully committed.

In this moment I’m experiencing a disconnect. I’m mildly obsessed with my job as a marketer/creative/developer/strategist/conversationalist. I can see my talents being played out and a big vision coming together as this business woman that I find so much joy in being. And I’m also seeing how it will eventually put me in a place where I can create environments that charge into hell and bring heaven with them. I can see this ‘new humanity’ that Christ spoke of arising from the collaboration of revolutionaries that come out of this place in my mind. I catch glimpses of the woman I will be in that moment and wonder why I can’t be her now. In this place.

And then I realize something unnerving. The woman I see is comfortable in her own skin. She isn’t trying to prove anything. She loves people where they are. She’s confident that who she is isn’t determined by the amount of work that is done by her hands, but by the hope in the eyes of those around her. She isn’t running from anything or anyone. That woman has entered into a state of mind where we are all humans, in this together and not much different from each other.

She’s me turned inside out.

Those who know me deep, deep, deep down at my core (yes, Luke, that’s 3 deeps) can see her too. My friend Kali describes me as a closet compassionate, which made me smile. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks that I can name the number of people I’ve allowed see me in a complete state of brokenness or vulnerability. They’ve seen what it looks like in the moment when I’m awakened by the possibility that dwells in them in the midst of their hell. And it’s in these moments that I am reminded that I have what the world needs. It doesn’t need me to be so busy that I don’t have time for a cup of coffee, nor does it need me to be so guarded that I maneuver as any robot could. The world needs to be connected. To belong. To be filled with a hope that life is so much more than what meets the eye. It doesn’t need me to compromise my bold personality or ambitious behavior, but it needs me to be approachable. It needs to know I’m available and that I actually do care about more than business plans and awesome marketing strategies.

So this year … I’m coming out of the closet, so to speak. Hold me to it.

denying destiny

(March 29th, 2007)

What I’ve learned about branding today: (and, yes, this does apply to companies … read between the lines)

This is what’s happening. We’re not confident enough that who we are at the core is what the world needs. So our message becomes inconsistent with the true tone of authenticity that brought us to where we are now. We’re here because a few years ago we became desperate for something beyond ourselves. We caught a glimpse of who we could be and fought against all odds to see it become a reality. Now we’re here, opportunity within reach and we question the voice that once said, “I am going to do something in your day that you will not believe.” It’s destiny’s dark side … apathy. Will we cower and join the ranks of a lost humanity that once burned with a passionate pursuit of moments that would change the course of history? Will we step aside and become slaves to mediocrity and conformity just to maintain what we have? Or will we believe that what we have to say will fall on ears that need nothing more than the hope? Hope that will raise them up out of the ashes and inspire them to rebuild what has been devasted for generations.

I have to believe that’s why I’m here. I have to believe that what I’m fighting for will empower others to change the world in a way that is unique to who they are.

Attempting to connect the seemingly disconnected,

KR

the t-shirts that spoke

(March 23rd, 2007)

So I was sitting in the courtyard today and was surrounded by hundreds of colorful shirts, each with a different story or proclamation regarding rape. I was caught up in the power of the words that were written boldly on these t-shirts. As they flapped gently in the wind under the warm heat of the day, I became aware of conversations that were taking place all around me. I even found myself remembering moments where I too was emotionally abused and taken advantage of physically.

I listened as my friend recounted the stories of colleagues who had been victims. Then I thought, “This is brilliant.” These women are speaking out on shirts, with their friends and at this school and these conversations began because you couldn’t avoid the beauty that surrounded their words of hope and redemption. It was inescapable. You were forced to walk through the words and acknowledge their reality to get anywhere else on campus.

I couldn’t help but remember the times I felt like I wasn’t treated fairly, where I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself. For a moment I went back to those hours when I felt inadequate, worthless and ashamed. To feel that pain again and know that there are others all around me living in those lies, made my heart ache and my vision clear. It became evident in that moment that others are desperate for someone to speak truth, hope and love into their souls in the midst of oppression. And it reminded me of what I’m fighting for.

How are you getting people to talk about things that matter?

ponder

(March 22nd, 2007)

How much time have you devoted to possibilities?

Not realities. Just pure possibilities.

24 :: handwritten (Feb. 13, 2007 11:55 p.m.)

(February 27th, 2007)

My birthday’s eve. 24.

I’m not who I thought I was 24 hours ago/ But still I’m singing Spirit take me up in arms with you/24 reasons to admit that I’m wrong/all my excuses still 24 strong/i’m not a coping out/cause you’re raising the dead in me/i am the second man now/ and you’re raising these 24 voices with 24 hearts/all of my symphonies in 24 parts/but i want to be one today, centered and true/spirit take me up in arms with you/you’re raising the dead in me/i want to see miracles/to see the world change/wrestle the angel for more than a name/for more than a cause/life is not what i thought it was 24 hours ago/still i’m singing spirit take me up in arms with you

If you would have told me this time last year that I would be replacing brokeness with independence, self worth, and a pursuit of Truth; that I would be replacing my place in Riverside with a suite in the Taj in Chandigarh, India; that I would be spending my 24th birthday with children at a school in the slums of India, meeting with social entrepreneurs and visiting the Taj Mahal - I would have peed.

This has been a year of renewal, faith, questions, opportunity, realizations, paradigm shifts, sacrifice and gain.

But more importantly, it has been a year of tremendous character development and an honest search to find the best use of my talents to make Jesus famous. To be a physical manifestation of His values and to bring hope to those who long for something greater than themselves.

Acts 24-(5)”We found her to be a trouble-maker, stirring up her people everywhere in the world.” (15) “I have the same hope in god that they have. The hope that all people, good and bad, will surely be raised from the dead.” (26) “You are judging me today because I believe that people will rise from the dead.”

Habakkuk 2:2-3 “The Lord answered me: ‘Write down the vision; write it clearly on clay tablets so whoever reads it can run and tell others. It is not yet time for the message to come true, but that is coming soon; the message will come true.’”

May I continue to proclaim what I know is true and may I not hesitate to invoke vision in others and wait patiently for a implement them.

This year I: left a destructive relationship, trusted new friends, was embraced, left my home church, applied for seminary, got in but didn’t get in the the other part of the program that I really wanted, uprooted, moved to L.A., road trip with my grandparents, toured California, struggled to find a job, made new friends, explored, chased adventure, worked at Starbucks by the beach, lived 4 blocks from the beach, started to appreciate myself, was hired at Chapman, flew to India for business, changed my perspective.

home :: handwritten (Feb. 9, 2007)

(February 27th, 2007)

Home.

No turning back.

These are thoughts I have been musing over for a few days now. Christ says, “This world is not your home.” I feel taht to be more true with each passing hour. I feel I have adapted to quickly, once again, to such a foreign environment. As I walk the streets of Bangalore, Chennai and even Hyderabad, I find myself moving with the flow of their culture. I don’t think of home, whether that be Kansas or California or even the states. I’m here. In India, asking the same questions on this journey as I did where they first became pressing.

After hearing that Lance is getting married, I began to praise God for the physical barrier of no turning back. It’s a perfect reminder to keep moving forward. It’s also an incredible blessing to be able to reflect and be confident that my experiences in the past six months would not have been possible had I not moved forward. If I knew when I left Wichita that he would end up married six months after I left, I would have still ran to the place I am now. I can’t imagine my life without L.A. and now I can’t imagine my life without India.

The concepts combined bring me to a contemplative place where I not only wonder if I’m wrong in the way I’m choosing to follow Christ (or if I’m following Him at all) but it also begs the question - are we to just BE humanities taste of their true home?

It’s like bringing heaven to earth, being a voice of hope and more realistically (or I suppose, theologically) being the church in its raw and pure form.

My questions still remain - how do people connect with a very real and personal and living God in this environment (India)? How do they see His physical manifestation in their lives? And if they do find Him, how do they begin to flesh out those new values? Through church as I know it or by being doers of the Word?

As I continue to ask questions and draw near to Him in the best way I know how, I have to believe that continued knowledge and understanding will accompany me on this journey. Today’s added knowledge that will propel me to my next moment -

My home is wherever humanity is begging for hope of something greater. And because of them, I will not turn back for the sake of sparing myself from being exposed to that which is painfully real.

jet lag

(February 20th, 2007)

ok folks. i’m about to crash and it’s only 2 in the afternoon. i’ve been trying to stay awake since i got up this morning, but i’m fading quickly. the best part of this sob story is that it will continue late into the night. i not only have to stay awake to catch up on some projects here at the university, but i also have to work at starbucks until midnight.

i’m realizing that i’m spreading myself too thin. i have goals for myself. big ones. ambitions that aren’t for the weak in mind, body or soul. because of these ambitions, i often find myself stubborn when it comes to letting go of things that are monopolizing my time, especially when it has potential to make me seem weak or unable to handle the pressure.

i feel, for some completely stupid reason, that working two jobs and sucking up the hours for the sake of having maximum impact has become more of a hopeful act of martyrdom than pleasure. i’ve been working at starbucks because i really enjoy it and i love being able to serve people and get to know them better. but i also realize that my time there is running out and i can’t possibly function at this pace. granted, i have massive jet lag right now and that’s not helping my emotional or logical thought process, but it’s proving a point.

i can’t differentiate myself or prove my strength this way. i’m fully aware that i was created to do something unique … and my day will come. as for now, i better take time to really prepare for that moment and, in my current schedule, there is no room for that.

unlikely pain

(February 11th, 2007)

i had a full body massage yesterday.

the lady was pretty brutal.

now i’m sore.

i didn’t even lose weight and i’m sore. that can’t be right.

sedated

(February 2nd, 2007)

–adjective
1. calm, quiet, or composed; undisturbed by passion or excitement

this usually isn’t the way i’m described. but the past few days have been a little out of the ordinary. as i spent my last in a bed before two nights of overnight flights, i started to think about something really interesting. here i am about to fly to india for business … living out a dream that has played out over and over in my mind since i was little (to be an independent, international business woman) … and i just think to myself, what if i don’t end up performing to the caliber that i performed so many times in my dreams?

i’d like to think that i’m in an honest quest each day to move one step closer to reaching my full potential and that this is just another moment in that journey that will catalyze my passions and strengths.

but the question poses itself again as i step into the unknown … as i step into a moment greater than myself … will i be ready if someone hands me my dreams?

i hope so. because i’m getting on a plane in a few hours and i don’t want to miss my opportunity to making an impact.

exploration

(February 1st, 2007)

exploration :: to travel for the purpose of discovery; the investigation of unknown regions.

i’m going to get in the habit of going places i’ve never been.

i believe that the moment i become too familiar with my surroundings, is the moment i have become less socially aware.

there is more than what meets the eye and i want to discover it.

cravings

(January 22nd, 2007)

we all have a longing deep inside us to belong to something … Someone.

we crave intimacy, destiny, to make sense of life.

i pray that i will begin to live my life in a way that i can hear the cravings of those around me. i want to be an inspiration … to live a life of passionate intentionality. i want to begin to believe for others when they can’t find faith or hope for themselves. i want to stop speaking christianese and leave my mark on people simply by loving them. i will not be ashamed that i believe humanity needs Jesus.

i ask Your Word to be alive in me. i desire to make You famous because of my belief in Your promises. i desire others to crave more of you through my love for them. i ask that You become undeniable to those who are searching.

join me in the quest to find all that your soul craves.

5 or 7 p.m. on Sunday :: the Mayan, downtown L.A.

aware

(January 17th, 2007)

Determination forges through temptations to surrender all that I know is mine. An understanding of the promises that await me demand resilience from my soul. It brings sanity to my mind while taming a heart that exudes confusion in fear that it may be broken in such a pursuit. In preparation of this moment, I am taunted by eager anticipation that begs my heart to abandon the journey itself in exchange for immediate personal gain. But the moment is not yet mine to take.

I am aware now of what my soul longs for. In my attempts to ignore my own potential for something great, I entertained the notion that perhaps these other options deserved more of my attention. But the beauty of our souls is that, after engaging in conversation regarding its deepest desire and then actively pursuing it, there will never be a moment where you will forget what it once spoke. After wandering off the original path, you will find yourself yielding, amidst chaotic confusion, to recognize a faint groan that reminds you of what still awaits.

I’m there. Following the voice as it grows louder and moving steadily toward a moment I know I was created for. It is in this hour that I know this adventure was made for me.

legalism

(January 12th, 2007)

after reading galations 3 and cross-referencing some other verses, i began to understand something. i feel slightly convicted that perhaps legalism has taken over spiritual activism.

this would be my fault entirely for not being intentional about reading the word and having meaningful dialog with christ. i also accredit my past experiences with divinity in comparison to my present interaction as a slight obstacle as i am still learning to find Him without my memorabilia from past sacred, spiritual encounters.

do i feel i can move forward in God’s plan for humanity by works and on my own merit (even if i’m subliminally giving christ credit for my talents) or am i ushering in the presence of God to intervene and bring forth victory among hopelessness? am i going far enough into the darkness that engaging in Him is my only hope of rescuing them?

how can i bring heaven to earth if i’m not connected to the Creator of all that is good and right?

is His name and His renown the ultimate desire of my heart?

are my actions making Him famous or me famous?

am i engaging in a battle that requires my full faith in His promises and power in and through me as a believer?

if not, legalism has taken precedence over promise. and legalism is not how i got to where i am today. i’m here because of faith. because who He is and what He promises for my life tugged harder than staying the same. i’m here because i was having conversations with God that changed the course of my future.

legalism makes us feel better about our own abilities. it was meant to bring us to christ by providing a knowledge of our sin, but it has become a replacement to the true power. it’s safe.

living a life of faith and walking in grace requires that we remain humble enough to understand we need the power of the Holy Spirit, but bold enough to know the impact if we step into the world’s present reality.

may His holiness dwell in me, unleashing purpose and potential for the good of others.

may i never forget who i am when He is fully alive in me.

can’t shake it

(January 11th, 2007)

Thoughts on present vs. past realities as a follower of Christ. (also written to a close friend after my last trip home):

After the discussions, frustration and plane ride home, I remembered that I struggled with what we (as church leaders) were doing before I left … only then, it was out of HOPE that we would step into something bigger than our stage lights and guitars … that we were meant for more than just worship on Sundays and that people needed us out there to fight for them on and off the stage. I left Wichita because I felt drawn to something I felt but didn’t see. Now, having not led worship for about 6 months and hanging on for dear life in this very real and terrifying world of lost people searching for anything that will bring them a tinge of hope, I find myself approaching God differently and approaching His people with a greater sense of urgency. There is now a deeper understanding of meeting people where they are.

We are all drawn to people like us. We love our fellow musicians and followers of Christ. We love being around them and sharing our lives with them. We enjoy their conversations about worship services, better communities, MacBooks, etc.

We love them because we love us. Ha. Sucky reality huh? How many people are in our network have a lot of the same views and visions as we? For me, in Wichita, it was … 99%. I came to Wichita with the expectation that I would be able to relax for a second.

But then I opened my big mouth and got into a conversation with another worship leader about why we worship. I told him it’s in celebration of what Christ has done in and through us and we come together corporately to acknowledge His movement in our community. Worship was not meant for those who don’t already inherently believe that the Scriptures hold Truth or Power. Worship was not meant for those who have not sacrificed their lives for the sake of following Christ. Much like the Bible wasn’t written for those who don’t believe.

I began to understand very quickly that the world I’m living in is so saturated with everything but a people desiring to make Him famous. Jesus came to heal the sick. He spent His time in the bars and with the prostitutes because He didn’t require that they come into His “church” in order to receive all that He had to give them. He invited them into His movement, but met them in their environment. At Mosaic, there is an understanding that, while Sunday is still church, it’s not meant for us. It’s our time to pave the way in innovation and creativity among the world’s successful attempts to set the pace. It’s our advertisement for a movement that is happening during the week … it is not our time to come together and isolate those who typically would never step foot in a church but came out of morbid curiosity that we meet in a nightclub. Our time to celebrate and to worship comes within our community of believers.

I’ve learned that my message had been tailored for those who already believe that the Scriptures hold power. I led worship for those who were like-minded and led small groups for those who believed what I was saying was true without questioning it. But taking those experiences and walking into the world with them, where people haven’t adopted any of the Truths I live by …. that’s a different story. I know this is getting way long, but here are some gold nuggets from Erwin’s An Unstoppable Force (his book on how the church should function):

1. So much of the church growth movement’s emphasis on relevance to culture is a response to the fact that the world has changed while the church has stayed the same.
2. Our language, style, music, and methods are pretty much Latin to the unchurched population.
3. His ultimate goal for the church is not to follow cultural change, but to be the dynamic, catalytic community that brings change in a world that so desperately needs the God of change.
4. He is not trying to keep up with culture. His greatest ambition is not for the church to become a great imitator of generational trends. He is the God of creativity, the God of imagination, and the God that chose - through his Son - to ignite a revolution.

Now here is what I read when I got back to L.A. (God’s timing is impeccable):
1. Sometimes the most painful reality of change is that we have to leave behind things that were of great value to us. If only change left alone those places that were sacred to us and just touched the worst part of us. But many times the most difficult things to give up are those things that we have identified with God’s blessing and presence in our lives. For us the crisis of our Bethel is the place where we meet God; the context in which God becomes real to us; the songs we sang when God’s presence filled our hearts; the very best of our experience with God. Yet God calls us to take the memories with us but to leave the memorabilia behind.

UGH. It gets better … of course:

2. When you see the pace of the book of Acts and realize that this new emerging movement was without established patterns, methods, or even a common address, it makes sense that the disciples had to stay connected on a daily basis just to know where the church was going.
3. In Acts 15 … The first major counsel was not, as we often understand it, about theology. It was about how the church would engage culture.
4. In everything that is about style and preference, the church must be willing to change for the sake of those who are lost. It is difficult enough for a sinful man to deal with the realities of repentance and humility without the church establishing unnecessary boundaries between man and God.

Yea. Chew on that for a while. I felt like I had talked myself out of a worship leading job, until I realized that it’s crucial for us to come together and worship as a community of believers. It just may not be necessary for us to do it in the place we’ve always done it … I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure that one out. What I do know is that our greatest worship experience will never happen within the walls of our churches.

Again, I’m still piecing all this together in my mind. I have spent less time worrying about what we do inside of the church and more time inviting others into my journey of asking questions and exploring His creation.

I need community as much as anyone else. I need Godly community. I need worship and long to lead an army in a revolution. I’m just getting visions of what that army looks like and it’s so different from the crowd at Passion or the faces I saw from the stage in my memories. They’re dirty, broken; stricken with illnesses and poverty … they are coming in from places we run from. They’re wearing all that we feel inside on the outside, for all to see. My vision is that God will do something in their hour that will transform them, that he will use me and my friends (you included!) to provide a physical manifestation of Jesus. I’m going in after them. It’s scary. It’s difficult. It’s confusing and rocks my theological paradigm. But I can’t see anything right now that would be more amazing than having the honor of leading them in worship when they decide to follow Jesus.

Until then, I am spending my days in the trenches next to people who want to make a difference (even if they don’t know it yet). Some are followers of Christ. Others inspire me because they remind me that there is a reality that I have so willingly ignored for the sake of being safe.

patience

(January 11th, 2007)

Thoughts as I responded to a dear friend about being patient in moving forward with grandiose ideas that will inevitably change the world …. (thanks Cliff for always inspiring me and letting me know I’m not alone)

It’s crazy that you mentioned waiting. I’ve been getting that same message. Perhaps I’m not as disconnected from God as I thought.

I was reading about the crucifixion last night and realized something I’ve never fully grasped. As Jesus was in His last moment, people were mocking Him and telling Him to save Himself.

He could have. I would have.

When He had the opportunity to save Himself from complete separation of God (in which, none of us will ever experience) and the pain that His death entailed, He didn’t.

Why? Because He saw the big picture. He knew that if He rushed the plan and spared Himself on the cross that people would not come to know Him. He knew He had to wait. He had too much to offer.

It’s disappointing to recount how many times I’ve jumped the gun to prove my point or validate what I believe.

In the battle that’s currently playing out in my head, I see so much of what Christ was trying to warn us of. So many of us want to change the world, but we’re running in circles because we want the revolution to be now. We become frustrated because we have these vivid visions in our minds of how things could be and we have very clear burdens for humanity that perhaps only we have and it’s killing us because we don’t know how to get there. Sure we’ll change the world, but what do we do today and tomorrow and next Wednesday?!?!

We wait.

We serve.

We love.

We’ll have our moment. A big moment. Where we’ll be able to endure much pain, knowing that the opportunity to make Him famous is just around the corner.

If we get in the habit now of being patient and riding it out, knowing that our obedience and suffering holds greater implications for humanity than our own plans, we’ll change the world. If we can just make it to the third day …

I’m still processing this, but i think we’re onto something. Thanks for being a part of this crazy journey with me … and for inviting me into your’s.

on with tradition :: the new year’s resolution

(December 31st, 2006)

ok. so i walked down to my bench on the hill overlooking the ocean so that i could recap this year and dream of all that is to come in 2007. when i got there, someone was sitting on the bench. when i asked if i could sit down she said, “yes,” and we proceeded to talk about life. i mean really talk about life. at first i was thinking that this was a distraction i simply didn’t need … especially since i’m limited on time. but then something inside of my started to come alive … a part of my soul began to cling to her warmth and i felt so safe in the comfort of our conversation.

we needed each other in that moment. we were both searching for an exchange of hearts and we found it.

i began to realize on my way back home, that i don’t need to spend any more time analyzing the events of 2006. i know as well as all of you that this year has been full of anything but mediocrity. God has really presented Himself to me and has performed nothing short of small miracles in my life since this time last year. He has invited me on the biggest adventure of my life and my only desire is that i can bring others on the same journey, to walk next to me, to find Him in the questions and to come alive as we walk in the epicenter of what He is doing in and around us.

so 2007, here i come. ready to fight even harder for His renown.

this year i will sing more, learn more, experience more, embrace more, dare more, walk boldly, walk confidently, walk in humility and walk with gratitude. i will push the envelope. i will travel to places that will bring me understanding. i will dream beyond comprehension. i will hope for what is to come. i won’t look back. i won’t hold on to memorabilia. i won’t doubt that i have purpose and that i will be used for great movements. i will see God doing things that i could have never believed. i will love. i will not be normal. i will not conform. i will have more conversations that lead to transformation. i will endure pain and suffering.

i will be a barbarian. nothing less.

awaken humanity

(December 8th, 2006)

so erwin is doing a series called “awaken humanity” for the month of december. if you have access to itunes, i would advise you to download his podcast. it’ll rock your world.

just a few gold nuggets from last week:

make a better life for those not yet born. create the future.

the passages used were Ecc. 1:9-10, Isaiah 43:14-, Luke 1:26-

what you remember is who you will become – if all you remember is the hurt … you’ll become bitter. if what we remember is compassion … we’ll serve others in the same manner.

when God is trying to do something new, it pushes us to the edges of our faith.

give yourself away. make it your life’s goal to make someone else’s life better. decide that today is the day you will be remembered.

ask God to haunt you with the possibilities of greatness … to rise up a people against compromise.

after leaving the mayan that night, i decided i was going to start then. i wasn’t going to waste any time. so nate, dee and i went to wendy’s (where everyone starts when they decide they want to awaken humanity). this may sound crazy, but we were hungry and needed our nutrients before taking on the evil around us. before we even sat down, our mission began. a beggar approached us asking for money to buy groceries for his family. i told him that we were about to eat, but that if he would wait 30 minutes, we would take them shopping.

he left.

“it worked,” i thought. i’m off the hook … now i can eat my frosty in peace.

then he came back … with his wife. they sat outside and waited.

we finished our meal and went outside to introduce ourselves.

“this is it.”

he trusted us to keep our word, came back, and now i’m stepping into a divine moment.

with my two good friends next to me and our new friends loading up the grocery cart for their family, i found myself still trying to answer the question that has been at the forefront of my mind for about a week. a question that has propelled me to serve with my bare hands, yet find a disconnect in my verbal conversations with God. a question that has even made me wonder who i’m trying to connect with in my times of worship:

why should they believe in Jesus?

why should I believe in Jesus? …. nothing instantly comes to mind worth repeating …

it’s all church speak.

crap.

if i can’t explain why i believe, how to i communicate to them why they should believe?

so, we paid for the groceries and headed for the door. the man asked us to give his wife a ride to their apartment in a run-down motel about 7 blocks away. we said good-bye after a car ride full of laughter and merged onto the freeway that would lead us back to our lives so contrary to their present reality.

i felt no tinge of pride or sense of accomplishment, only a sense of responsibility that seemed to be inherent to my soul. i walked away knowing that’s what i should have been doing this whole time – sacrificing myself so that they could have a better life.

the next day, i found myself determined to move in a direction of greatness. as i sat at my desk, making preparations for my trip to india with chapman, i decided to approach my boss with an idea i had been contemplating since he had been on vacation. i asked him if i could coordinate a service project with an orphanage in india in order to help raise awareness of the AIDS crisis as well as raise interest in the possibility of our prospective international MBA students using their degrees to ignite social change. he loved it.

i’m on my way to india in a few months and will be working with students who have a desire to impact humanity through their talents and ambition to create a better world for those around them.

insanity.

am i really in the process of leaving my mark?

i’m becoming increasingly aware of my role in this world. will He become famous through these acts? i hope.

before that happens, i’m hoping to be able to answer that scary question of why should others believe in Jesus. as i read An Unstoppable Force, i’m coming across some scary truths. i’ve become aware that the gospel, even with unbelievers, has been built on the assumed authority of the Scriptures. the majority of my experience with divinity and evangelism has been, not among unbelievers, but focused on receivers – people who already accepted my world views.

ugh.

so now i’m in a position where i live in a city that is home to more than 10 million people. all nations are represented within this one county that i now call my home. no longer is there a church on every corner. no longer does my oikos consist of 96% believers 4% unbelievers. i’m now surrounded by people who are hindu, Buddhist and muslim and i’m trying to figure out how i live a life that captivates these beautiful people – who, by the way, are more spiritual than i and who are doing more to elevate human suffering than i – to wanting to be a follower of Christ.

taking that thought a bit further … where do i send them if they decide to follow Christ? here me out on this one … and if you’re easily offended, you may want to stop reading – the church, as we know it, isn’t exactly notorious for forward motion. even though it’s growing, it’s not exactly thriving. the world is changing so rapidly, yet the church lags behind in its efforts to be relevant. (i could have been WAY more harsh … but that’s just a waste of energy right?)

i’ve decided that since i can’t answer that question yet, i’m just going to keep serving without talking. there is no way to articulate why i’m a follower of Christ. i’ve learned that i’m far to immature in my faith to be able to communicate that basic theological foundation of my belief system to someone who doesn’t already believe that the Scriptures hold power.

instead, i am adopting a few Scriptures to keep me moving in a forward motion without getting hung up on this detail … habakuk 1:5 (He is going to do something in our day that we would not believe even if we were told … and i believe i will be used in that movement) james (if we know what is right and don’t do it, it’s sin) isaiah 61 (he has anointed me to brings good news to the afflicted, to bind the brokenhearted, and proclaim victory and liberty to captives and prisoners. they will repair ruined cities … the desolation of many generations) isaiah (i will not keep silent – i think this was written for me – i will clear the way for the people)

for now, a few things are on my plate. the homeless, india - orphans with AIDS, find God in my ridiculous questions, children of prisoners, and awakening humanity for the greatest movement of his Spirit in human history.

i’m being forced to engage in a battle i’ve been afraid to fight. here i go …

paradigm shift :: disclaimer

(December 8th, 2006)

about a month ago i realized i would never be the same again.

after my commissioning at mosaic, a few of my friends and i decided we wanted to stop at an “in and out” on our way back to the long beach area. since we were in pasadena we wanted to make sure we were all going the same route so i suggested we take the 210 to the 2 to the 110 south to the 5 west to the 405 south and get off at the inglewood exit which lands us right at the in and out without having to use surface streets. without skipping a beat, everyone said, “sounds good … meet you there in about 30 minutes.”

seriously? did that just happen? not only did i blurt out directions using 5 different freeways, but i also used the lingo … THE 210, THE 405 … surface streets …

unbelievable. then i realized, as i was sitting in traffic on my way to our yummy destination, that i have changed. i’ve changed a lot.

i haven’t just changed in the way i navigate my way around the greater l.a. area, but also the way i navigate my way through life. this city has been instrumental in catalyzing a new thought process. a new way of approaching this life i thought i had all figured out.

where has it landed me? in nothing other than a drastic paradigm shift.

here’s what i mean:

for quite some time i wasn’t sure if i was really learning anything or moving in a forward motion. i began to think that maybe this move … the saying yes part, to venture 1,600 miles off my course of comfortability, was the goal. i began to think that maybe, just maybe, i’m not really going to make an impact here. maybe this is just my chance to learn something new and prepare for the next big mission.

ha. that lasted about a nano-second. you see, if you know anything about the Strengths Finder, you’ll understand that people with achiever and futuristic can’t sit back and relax … it goes against everything they are inherently good at. at least that’s my explanation

i started to see my changes in perception to the world around me. i noticed a shift in how i interact with those around me and how i approach my role as a follower of Christ. with this, i began to grow anxious about going back to kansas over thanksgiving because of the changes in my thought process. so i started to document who i’ve become:

mosaic is truly impacting the way i interact with those around me and, more importantly, the way i interact with God. i’ve started thinking globally and being less concerned with finding community for myself, but rather, creating community for those who have never experienced it. the church is beginning to take on a whole new meaning (read An Unstoppable Force by Erwin)

who i was when i left wichita is not the same as who i am now (for those of you who know me and were the recipients of my crazy nature … your prayers have been answered)

i’ve learned to own my decisions and embrace them

i’ve let go of my desire to change wichita and to change my past. if that’s going to consume me, i need to move back … but i won’t let it. so i’m owning l.a. i’m owning my decision to be here and nowhere else in this moment

i realize that who i am is the person who longed to move here. a person of adventure. a person devoted to embracing and accepting opportunities to experience more than what meets the eye. i don’t want it easy and i’m done being angry with those who choose that road

the way i approach my call and responsibility as a follower of Christ has become truly global and less focused on what the church isn’t doing. i’ve come to realize that if i’m going to have maximum impact, i need to set the example as opposed to jumping on the church-bashing wagon

i am becoming very aware of how my conversations with Jesus are going to change the course of humanity. i’m creating the future … sacrificing myself so that future generations can have a better life
i feel free. free to make decisions. flexible to go where he sends me.

i want to constantly be reinventing the way i approach life and interact within it based off of my growing encounters with Christ

i desire to experience him all over the world – to make Him famous across the globe

i understand that there is more to life than being comfortable and that i chose this path because i became alive in the uncertainty of my future. because i believed He was ready to break me down and start over to create something better. something that would capture the hearts of others and inspire them to live for Jesus in a barbaric, unashamed way

i’ve found joy in helping Jesus tear down the art that i so carefully created with my life so that He can begin to create a masterpiece …

all these things have given me hope. they have caused me to wrestle with theological issues that i’ve accepted, simply because i’ve recited them since VBS. there are moments in my silent ponderies with God that i wonder if i’m a heretic for asking the questions that plague my mind. and then i realize … i’m not finding Him in the answers … i’m finding Him in the questions. and the only way i’m coming to find Him is by getting to the end of myself. so i will continue to have my fierce conversations with the Maker of the Universe. i will continue to seek and explore. and i will devote myself to serving others at the cost of my own life.

a little different from the girl who couldn’t wait to point out what the church wasn’t doing. well, that girl finally realized she was part of the disease … it’s time to awaken humanity.

yelo

(October 30th, 2006)

i was blessed to have the opportunity to attend mosaic’s yelo event this weekend. it’s basically an experience on character development and maximizing leadership potential based on one’s natural strengths.
here are some of the points that really stood out to me:
- we move from foolishness to wisdom through faithfulness and perseverance
- perseverance happens when trials come … standing and thriving under paressure … wisdom is developed in the crucible of perseverance
- greed: it’s not about wanting more, but about what you think you deserve
- generosity isn’t how much you give, but how much it costs you
- humility/ambition: are you serving other people? if so, are you doing it out of selfish reasons? why are you serving other people?
- courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the absence of self
- if you’re serious about character development: are you willing to change? what are you willing to do to change?

relational intelligence is a learned behavior:
- develop a pulse for your emotional health. it’s all about reading your emotions - why you feel those emotions
- gaining an accurate self-assessment - knowing who you are and who you aren’t

our greatest capacity/opportunity is found in our strengths. we tend to define ourselves by what we’re not doing well, but we need to focus on what we’re already doing at a level of excellence.

if you’re curious … my strengths according to the strengths finder test by the gallup organization - woo, achiever, learner, futuristic and arranger.
my myers-briggs - ENTJ

begin to own what you’re good at.

accepting reality … finally

(October 24th, 2006)

It has been one insanely difficult week for me and I know there is more to come.

After a few very emotional and disgruntled conversations with some close friends (cliff, aren’t you glad you called :), i started accepting some harsh realities:

- I’m asking tough questions …. ones that could not have been asked in the confines of comfortability. This is what I long for in the lives of those around me … to engage in dialogue that matters. To engage in dialogue that will move others to change the world. But I forgot about the implications that cause one to move with absolute intention … dissatisfaction with the status quo, or one’s existing state of mediocrity and desperation for a life of significance and power beyond human capabilities.

- Maybe I’m here to write to all about the stages of transitioning and the emotional/spiritual implications of such a difficult decision. People make leaps of faith all the time. There is no rule book that says what to do when you start doubting the very faith that motivated the leap in the first place. More importantly, we speak little of hardships faced when doing something barbaric. It weakens the heroic nature of the movement, which only hurts our image. The worst part? We set people up to fail who are inspired by our “courageous” lives because we try to appear like we’ve made the right decision as opposed to admitting areas where we are weak.

- In the midst of chaos and confusion, I still live with hope that God is here now and is in my next hours to bring life and awaken my spirit through revelation and transformation of my soul as I seek to know Him more. I’m suffering for the sake of hope.

- I’m feeling the pain and dissatisfaction of millions of people in myself - complacency. For the first time in a long time I feel that I’ve been complacent out of default or out of a complete loss for where to go next … it’s overwhelming. It’s also interesting that I’ve been blessed with this new insight, since I have usually been the one to battle it carelessly and in aggravation that others didn’t move towards the life of abundance and adventure that they were created for. Now, I have taken on their internal frustration and understand that not everyone who is complacent, desires that lifestyle. It changes my role as a leader significantly.

- I have been groaning for what the world isn’t. I have come to understand my God so much better through this painful process. I have seen and felt what He feels and it’s excruciatingly painful. I have caught a glimpse of what Christ feels as we continue to walk in blind pursuit of things that won’t satisfy and lead lives that are far less powerful than the capacity in which they were created.

I told Cliff this week that I feel like a complete psycho. That this internal battle, these questions that I have been asking and the pain that I have been feeling are seemingly uncharacteristic, absolutely unnecessary and have consequently turned me into a fool. A fool wanting and needing desperately to be shown answers and walk in a better understanding of this God who has seemed to have left me hanging to figure it out on my own. That’s when Cliff enthusiastically said, “Praise Jesus.”

What? Did you just hear what I said? I said I’m at one of the lowest points in my transition here … that I’m wondering why I’m in this place to begin with … why I made the 1,600 mile truck across country? His response … “We have become a spectacle to the entire world. Our dedication to Christ makes us look like fools.”

Then it hit me. An epiphany that I was choosing to ignore in fear that I would become less significant or go unnoticed (yeah, I found out some really disgusting things about myself this week … number one, my ability to master self-indulgence and gratification).

Servanthood. I moved 1,600 miles to learn how to serve. I didn’t come here to be given opportunities to lead, or to be recognized as an up-and-coming revolutionary. I didn’t come here to move up in the ranks or get a really great job that would advance my career. I came here to meet people’s basic needs and humble myself before the Lord and wait for His promotion, not my own.

I fought it hard.

Serve? I already serve. I know how to serve … just let me lead. I’m a good leader (sounds like something a really mature leader says doesn’t it?) Sure, I told everyone back home, in my humanitarian voice, that I was moving to scrub toilets at the mayan where we hold our Sunday service. But in the back of my mind, I thought that I would scrub for a few weeks, get a few photo-ops in and then be pulled from my duties to do something more noble and less humiliating … you know, a task that a true leader would be given, like a chance to lead worship or lead a movement. ha.

Yea. Nothing like having it out with God. I sat there thinking, “how am I going to go back home in November, having not accomplished anything? Are you going to let me get off the plane with my tail between my legs? I can’t fail, God. When are going to start doing something that i can start pouring myself into (in other words, when are you going to exalt me at a well-known church so i can prove myself to people who doubted me back home and save face to those who expect me to do great things with my life)?

I began to feel inadequate. The thought kept going through my mind that perhaps I wasn’t the leader I thought I was. Maybe I had just fooled everyone into thinking I was good with a sufficient amount of self-efficacy that attracted others and made them feel secure in my decisions. I thought, “if I’m really a good leader, then why am i not surrounded by and involved in what the top leaders are involved with?”

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks: the reason I have been feeling inadequate is because the Enemy has me convinced that serving/servanthood is less significant and far below me than leading. I realized that to serve in a third world country seems noble. But to serve in America is for people who don’t know how to lead. Ha. Yea. I began to hate myself and my thought process when I actually repeated my own thoughts a few times.

The problem is that what this world deems as leadership is far less effective than the simple act of serving. I’m starting to embrace my current state because I now understand that, in order to be a person of impact – in order to lead the masses in to a better understanding of Christ – I must learn to serve them.

It all came down to my heightened level of concern with how others perceived me and how my self-promotional efforts were going that led to my ultimate demise and self-destruction. I denied God of using me in massive ways because there wasn’t enough recognition in it for me. After all … why should He get all the credit?

Why? Because (as my dear mentor and friend, Kim, pointed out), I am here to make Him famous. And I can’t do that when I’m devoting my best efforts to making sure my PR strategy is better than His.

I’m not satisfied being my biggest client anymore.

CS Lewis once said that God, in the long run will be satisfied with nothing less than perfection, but will also be delighted with the first feeble, stumbling effort you make tomorrow to do the simplest duty.

Ha. I don’t know that I could find something more eloquent to describe my efforts to tackle tasks that seem ridiculously petty in the big scheme of things.

Humanity moves unaware of their greatness and potential. That’s the issue here. Not, “why can’t I get ahead?” I’m getting a taste of that, a small sample of the magnitude of how heavy that responsibility is and I’m thinking: if this is what it takes to be a leader, I mean, a really great leader – to know who you’re leading and how to propel them into a moment of greatness amidst all odds – then maybe I am more fit to be a servant who lives expectantly that a time will come where her actions of service and humility, before people who need her most, will result in an opportunity to lead a healthy army in defeat of the Enemy that has captivated their souls. After all, how can I expect them to fight if their basic needs aren’t being met?

On a note of resolve, I have found real joy in finding ways to serve people in L.A. You’ll be happy to know that, I’m overcoming the daily mind games that tell me I am failing because I work at Starbucks and don’t have a corporate job even though I have a degree and a portfolio. I’m actually really excited to have flexibility in my schedule so that I can devote my time to the L.A. Mission in the heart of skid row, serving the homeless. God has given me some incredible visions that I can’t wait to see unfold before my eyes.

I’ve always wanted to spend a year doing missions work … I guess He knew what He was doing after all.

the obsession

(September 26th, 2006)

about myspace/facebook profiles …

i was having a conversation about the rising addiction among my group of friends (and about 3 million others in my generation) with myspace and facebook, and this is the theory we came up with.

we all want to belong … for other to really know us … for them to understand who we are at the core. and for those who actually know who they are, setting up a profile is a perfect way to attract others into a better understanding of what makes you … you.

for those who are on their way to becoming the person they long to be, it’s an invaluable tool to captivate others into the depths of one’s soul. to be able to share openly who we desire to be and have others drawn to that is unbelievably freeing.

you may argue that there is a level of deception, but i say this may be the tool that pulls just the right people into our lives who will push us to be who we say we want to be. call me idealistic, but i think this whole myspace generation is on to something.

more importantly, i think i’m finally understanding that the key to being understood is understanding what you hope people will understand about you … all the while, intriguing them enough to be a part of something much larger - the acknowledgement of who you are at the core and what is going on in the depths of your soul.

unrelenting nostalgia

(September 21st, 2006)

Reminders of how I once lived have been more than an intrusion lately. I have spent countless hours wrapping my mind around a new life … one that has been promised me as I continue to challenge myself and seek roads that lead to the purpose carved out for my life.

The problem is that I don’t know how to be anyone else other than the person I’ve always been in the surroundings that I’ve always been in.

I’ve found that I expect it all to look the same, only enhanced. Sound a little familiar? I think it’s our natural reaction to change.

But Jesus says no. It’s not going to be the same. God is going to give you a new spirit to deal with this change. You don’t get to live in the past … He’s going to give you a spirit to take you forward from this day … from the here and now.

Ha! I’m waiting for things to go back to normal … for everything to fall back into place so that I can keep doing what I’ve always been doing. But I’m not the same person. I’m constantly undergoing transformation of my character and renewal of my spirit, and with each challenge faced, with each victory won, I have suddenly come to the realization that I am a different person than the one who began the journey. Simply attempting this gauntlet has changed me forever.

How much energy do we spend trying to control things, trying to determine the outcome, trying to make things a certain way because we’re terrified of how it might turn out?

I’m not gonna lie … I’m pretty freaked out that I’m not in control of this stage in my life. I have this awkward excitement for the events that are unfolding in my life. All the things I have spent my time contemplating and trying to devote all my spare time to, are becoming the focus and mere definition of who I am as opposed to extra-curricular activities I engage in on the weekends.

Why does it scare us when things start happening for us? I mean when things are really coming together? Do we think we owe it to ourselves or to society to be what we’ve always been so as not to make anyone else uncomfortable? I’ve bought into this lie for long enough. I am standing firm in my desire to live a life of purpose and to make sure others are actualizing their full potential.

We’re not all on the same health plan guys. Figure out which one is best for you and dedicate yourself to it … that’s the only way others are going to drawn to what you’re doing to impact the world around you.

I choose today, through the scent of nostalgia in the air, to live not how I wish it was or how it used to be, but to meet God here … today … where He sent me to do something new … something I can’t even fathom through His power invested in me.

faces

(September 17th, 2006)

just to let you all know - i’m in a mood. so if this comes off as a little more raw or darker than the usual post, know that it’s because i’m grappling with a lot of things and today happens to be the day i’ve chosen to acknowledge them … out loud.

it has been a month and a half since i moved to southern california. great things have happened so far and i feel blessed to be in this squeamish vertigo. however, there are some things i’ve come to terms with that have given my soul quite the concussion and have split me right down the middle, leaving me feeling like i have way too many faces.

the first and probably most obvious event is the separation from all that i know. this has put me in a position where i feel misunderstood in my new environment simply because i don’t have history with the people here. so what do i do? i gravitate towards the familiar. i call friends from back home, i live on facebook and myspace just so i can validate my worth through the actions and influence of my past actions. even worse, i’ve come to understand that i am investing too much time in hanging onto the familiar that i’m not giving people here a real chance to experience the me i wish they knew.

that’s the other problem … “the me i wish they knew.” what does that even mean? i’m not sure that i know who i really am when i’m stripped down to the core. without a job, an outlet for my music, a place to really feel intentional, friends that know the every details of my life in the past 5 years or family, i find myself in the midst of a perfect opportunity to explore what brings me to life and run with it. what i’ve found scares me though …

i’ve found that while i enjoyed, embraced and thrived in the work environment i was in back home … maybe it isn’t for me. i began to take myself back to a time where i really felt alive.

college. the student ambassador society. working with colleagues and helping prospective students find their passions. it was also in this time where i was able to lead worship and lead the college generation in the ministry setting as well. it surrounded me.

so i’ve spent the last two weeks applying for every admissions rep position and univerisity student leadership position at the major institutions in southern california, hoping to explore those passions again.

i haven’t expressed that this has been difficult. i hide behind the robo krysta mask and hope that this means i’m a great leader. where did i ever buy into the lie that part of being a great leader means being a hard ass and showing no signs of emotional distress or weakness. this is hard stuff! anyone who acts like moving 1,600 miles away from home, stepping into a new environment, having to rebuild a network of friends, people to trust and career advisers is easy, is only fooling himself. this kind of transition, while exciting and often times exhilarating, has major emotional and physical implications.

i’ve felt like i had something to prove this whole time. i’ve had this lingering antagonistic voice that makes me question my excitement for a barista job near the ocean at starbucks over a job that is seemingly more conducive to the degree i obtained in college. i have this underlying motive to do a little, “in your face” by excelling and adapting quickly to this new move so that people who doubted me in the past can see that i am better off without them anyway.

what am i trying to prove? who am i trying so desperately to captivate by hiding behind a face of confusion and half-hearted smiles?

i don’t need to figure out who i am. i just need to trust that who i am is more than enough to create the awakening in the hearts of man that i so long to bring forth.

i didn’t come here to start a career or continue one that i had already begun. i came here to learn how to use my talents and be the catalyst to create environments where people can feel the presence of God.

if i stray from that, i’m robbing myself and you of the person i became reconnected with when making my decision to move here. i will no longer deny the cravings inside of me to be surrounded by music and other leaders. if this means i work at starbucks so that i can reach maximum potential the area of my life that has most potential for influence, so be it.

i’m tired of running from the girl who longs to break free from societal expectations and be the catalyst for a movement larger than herself.

it’s not easy. in fact, it kind-of sucks. but there is beauty in what is taking place here … inside my soul. i need continued support and encouragement for the road ahead … i can’t do this alone.

it’s not supposed to be this complicated

(September 12th, 2006)

Why is it that I always find myself making things WAY too complex?

I have been given an incredible opportunity to start a worship movement on the USC campus (which is, without a doubt, a passion of mine) and since that day, I’ve been over-thinking the entire process. I’ve gone from the acoustic campfire worship concept to creating a mini conference each week with guest speakers, full bands and interactive games.

Ridiculous. It’s just ridiculous.

Why when I have an idea, does it have to go beyond the intended purpose? My desire isn’t to create a weekly conference centered around Christian living … it’s to create an environment where people can worship … celebrate … party.

So I’ve stripped it all back … kind-of.

I’m sticking to my roots and providing a worship experience in the form of a party. I think college students can relate to that. And they have a lot of celebrating to do, so why not give them the chance to give credit where credit is due?

Rob Bell wrote something that really resonated with me this week (he said a lot of things, but this one in particular applies to this entry), ” This is what we’re all dying for — something that demands we step up and become better, more focused people. Something that calls out the greatness that we hope is somewhere inside of us … Our gift to the world is hope. A kind of hope that comes from staring pain and suffering right in the eyes and refuses to believe this is all there is … we need to throw better parties. It is in the flow of real life, in the places we live and move with the people we’re on the journey with, that we are reminded it is God’s world and we’re going to be ok.”

Get ready. Something is about to happen on the USC campus. Something huge. Something uncontainable. Something crazy.

Something real.

chasing perfect

(August 23rd, 2006)

i’ve had a strange couple of days. the closer i get to finding a lucrative, highly intriguing job, the more i thrist for music, worship and building leaders. i’m so terrified of ending up in the same state of disatisfaction that i have been prone to that i freeze in the midst of similar opportunities.

why can’t i write my own story? who developed the mold that says i should be back in corporate america so quickly? where is the line between listening to those who care about me and are wise and following my heart?

then i also think, “am i too overzealous and stubborn in my thinking that i deserve to find the right job becaue i was created for excellence and want perfection at optimal standards simply because i’m passionate about my work?” arg. here i am moving for change, for a chance to become more like christ, to become alive - fully … and i’m finding the same mediocrity and apathy as before. i refuse to belive that it’s me and that it’s merely the nature of what im seaking after.

is what i’m chasing the problem to my discontent?

…
… “for my God is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond what i can ask or imagine, according to his power that works mightily in me,” eph. 3:20.

is this so engraved in my heart that i cringe at settling for anything less than what brings me fully alive? and is it so wrong to hold out for that abundance at the risk of being moderately irresponsible?

lessons from the road

(August 23rd, 2006)

as i sat in my car, waiting on my first interview in l.a. to begin, i made a little time to document what my little excursion taught me:

1. growing up in kansas has afforded me too much space and room to roam on the road, which consequently, puts me in a rather irritated state of mind when i’m stuck in the middle of a freeway, seven lanes wide, in imovable traffic, trying to veer right to my impending exit.

2. you have to really want to go where you’re going or at least enjoy the route you’re taking in order to maintain a healthy level of sanity.

3. the carpool lane isn’t always faster, but i think i’d pay someone to ride with me on these daily road trips just so i felt my time was being well spent.

all-in-all, i’ve come to understand that we are constantly going to be stuck in “traffic.” some days moving right along, others in complete stand-stills with your exit in view. either way, if we don’t embrace the fact that either is a possibility and just roll with it, knowing that some things are just out of our control, we’ll come out better in the end (and maybe even make it to our destination in one piece). if you’re worried about the journey you’re on … there is always the carpool option so others can share in the journey.

a presence

(August 9th, 2006)

so i’ve been in california for almost six days.

i wake up each morning wondering if it’s ok to be living in paradise while following my desire to serve the Lord in the greatest capacity possible.

i’m reminded of the ever present theme of suffering throughout the Scriptures that let us know we will suffer for His name’s sake. it just makes sense.

so as i look out onto the ocean, ride my bike with the breeze rolling through my hair, participate in beach bon-fires, attend baptism parties, engage in open conversations with people who are changing the world, experience new cultures and create memories that will shape my character and add to my story … i realize that everyone will suffer differently.

for me, it will be the internal conflict i face in relationships and self-worth. i will battle the Enemy for captivity of my own thought life and protection over relationships with others. THAT is where i find my suffering.

what i will not do, is feel guilt that i may have it better than others. i have come to understand that we were not given the authority to choose how we suffer, nor are we given the power to inflict pain on ourselves just because we feel we shouldn’t have more than our neighbors. where is the victory in that?

i’m beyond the mindset that proclaims we should be poor and live in simplicity for the Lord’s renown. who would want to be a follower of Christ if what it looked like was depravity? i don’t want to lack the ability to meet the basic needs of other people. so i will use my degree, i will use my environment and i will use the blessings others have afforded me to propel others into a better understanding of the God i serve.

no more playing guilty Christian by comparing myself to people in 3rd world countries. my God is bigger than that. i have been given more than enough so that i can help others actualize their full potential. today, i will begin using my resources joyfully.

if you build it … will they come … really?

(August 9th, 2006)

having just left las vegas, i have one question in mind:

what type of person/leader can convince successful business men and women to invest millions of dollars into building small empires in the middle of nowhere (literally) because they ANTICIPATE that one day it will be one of the most saught after destinations for a get-away?

think about it (if you already haven’t). they created something desireable from nothing. even people who live in nevada or california still have to travel hours to get to the strip. hours. that’s how far ANY civilization is from vegas. yet, someone was able to generate enough interest among people who could actually make this thing happen – by, i’m sure, providing a concise vision and clear direction – and now look. incredible.

is there any way, as a follower of Christ, i’ll ever be able to help create a movement in the middle of no where that is so powerful, people will flock to participate? or is the point of the Gospel to meet people where they are and evolve what already exists into something tangible and saught after?

too much space for confinement

August 9th, 2006

on my first day’s journey, i’ve had plenty of opportunities to wonder about God’s purpose for people everywhere. i have passesd through nearly all types of scenery and wonder now how people will be awakened to new ideas and prompted to move forward in greatness when they don’t live in community with others.

so here’s my question:
what does a revolution look like when people are farmlands a part? we’re not talking a few acres … i’m talking, in the middle of the desert, 50 miles from the next farmstead or home.

are these people who choose to live so far away from any other chunk of civilization called by God to work the land so that others can devote themselves to more interactive activites and ministries? are these people more sound in their understanding of the Word that they dont need community? how important is it to have a rabbi? how can they have mentors when there is no one around to share in their adventures? how close can one really get to God without having community and open dialogue?

if i desire to awaken my generation through open dialogue that connects them with their Creator and sets them on a path of passion for Him, does this mean i need to consider these small pockets of our population who literally live in places unknown to the rest of us? how do i reach them? how do we tap into their potential without trying to make them fit some “big city, instiutionalized” mold?

what would an awakening look like on one of these deserted farmsteads?

more importantly … do i have expectations for what this desired movement will look like?

if i do, maybe the progression of this idealized movement has already been stifled by my own limited perspective.

The journey continues

(August 2nd, 2006)

This is a lot of pressure. I mean, my first post on this new blog and people are reading … yikes!

Unfortunately, time doesn’t permit me to say anything too ignorant or discombobulated. So here’s what’s on my mind:

We seem to wait on someone else to make the bold moves. But I have become completely exhausted watching my generation wait expectantly and grow in their dissatisfaction when it only takes one person to prove that moving forward into what we know is ours, is worth it. (I think that was a major run-on …. oh, well. This is a blog not an essay)

It’s when we’re pushed to the edge - when we step outside of ourselves - that we fully understand our potential and seize the opportunity to prove to ourselves what we’re made of. We find out what motivates us. What pushes us to more to change the world around us. What will help us create the future.

So what future do you want to create?

Me? A future that is intended to awaken humanity.

This morning, I take my giant leap and attempt to pave the way for my generation and get one day closer to that reality. Long Beach awaits me.

What will your step be today?