Thursday, October 30, 2008

i haven't been around lately. obviously.

yesterday was the end of my streak of madness and the beginning of another season of insanity.

it seems to follow me wherever i go ... this chaos. maybe it's like an animal that smells fear ... continuing to persist until the prey gives in. maybe this is all some plot to build my stamina against meaningless adversarial issues (because we all know the things i get stressed about are existential compared to the true suffering of others).

today is just one of those days, though.

it's one of those days where, living in my own brain, is ... hell.

funny thing is that it didn't start this way. it started out quite well actually (mainly because no one else was a part of the equation yet). it wasn't until the middle of my day that i realized i was crumbling ... that i was too weak to deal with anything less than perfection.

and when i came to that realization, there was an understanding that i would not be fighting back today. nope. today will not be my day to change the world.

note: as i was about to push "publish post," my friend christina (works in my office and apparently can sense my attitude) sent me this email:
smile! look at the cupcakes i'm going to make

ugh. what do i do now? walk out of my office giggling after i already made the decision to give up on being peppy for the day? (see post on bi-polar disorder)

Monday, October 20, 2008

and the underlying presence of fear.

that's where i am.

confusing? yeah. tell me about it.

to put it simply: there is a life that i would love to step into. a life of adventure and exploration. a life that coddles my curious nature. a life that knows no boundaries in my quest to learn more about the world in which i live.

but i'm terrified.

i'm terrified of discovering more. i'm terrified that my perspective will change ... again. i'm terrified to find out that i'm wrong ... that the naysayers were right. i'm terrified that i will be forgotten. that i will return from my travels unrecognizable. that i will no longer belong.

there are dreams inside of me that, if pursued, would defy my dependence on other people's approval and need to fit in. these dreams, if pursued, may actually change the world ... as i know it.

but this is what has happened. after taking the leap and moving to california, my paradigms were shattered. i have become someone different. someone more recognizable to myself, but still so uncertain of who i really am.

back home, i mastered the art of defining who i was NOT. that was easy. it drove me to a place of insanity that actually served as a great launch pad for taking big risks (like moving 1600 miles from home). i was so crazy ... so afraid of becoming what i knew i wasn't (which, i remind you, was the ONLY THING i knew), that i pursued my dream to be a relentless learner ... explorer ... discoverer.

and here i am in a place that brings me life and also a large dose of confusion. i sit among friends who are in desperate pursuit of dreams they know they were created for. they inspire and motivate me. they challenge me to think bigger.

but all of the conversations lead me to fear the possibility that i will pursue the wrong dreams simply because i don't know who i am. or worse, that i will settle for lesser dreams for fear that who i am, is more daring ... more bold ... more adventurous than i have the emotional and mental capacity for right now.

ugh. must there always be a struggle between fear and infinite possibilities?

Monday, October 13, 2008


as most of you (all two of you who read my blog) know, i am a part of a vibrant community in l.a. called mosaic. after perhaps one of the more stressful weeks of my life (not entirely an exaggeration), i decided to devote this week's blogging time to the conversations that have begun at mosaic around the idea of dreams.

now, l.a. is a city full of people with big dreams. and i'm sure people are annoyed with my constant reiteration of the talent that surrounds me on a daily basis. but i can't help but start this little "blog series" by saying how humbled i am to be a part of a community who believes in beauty, creativity and the pursuit of dreams.

take, for instance, our gathering yesterday. usually we have the typical church set up ... music, a bumper video, talk and then maybe a few announcements. not yesterday. yesterday we were in full mosaic form. my band was fortunate enough to play for the series kick off ... horn players, string section, our A team of singers and DJs. all original music inspired by where we live. and it got me thinking about the dreams i've had that have come true and all the new ones that i never thought i would consider.

the people in the picture above represent my dream of creativity and innovation. when i'm in the same room with these people, i can break away from the doubt and fears that keep me from the life awaiting me. that's huge. that's what happens when you're surrounded by people who are doing exactly what they were created to do ... they somehow open up space for you to take the risks to claim the life awaiting you ...

so here are some thoughts erwin had about dreams this week:
is there a dream that haunts you?
there are some dreams that are so compelling that they scare us because failing .. would mean losing everything. so we settle.
how much of what we're living is based on living under the rubble of our past failures?
what's the dream waiting on the other side of your fears?
if your dream became your life, would the world be a better place?

as i was thinking about the dreams i've had for my life, i began to wonder if the dreams of my past derive from a need for attention and acceptance or if there really is significance to them.

as i listed some of the more obvious dreams of my past (singing, living in a big city, traveling, running a business), i realized there are dreams that get little air time in my conversations. even as i was listing my dreams, there were a few that i tried to ignore. why?

erwin said something that i have been playing back in my mind as i try to sift through my thoughts and move towards a life that is more alive ...

"i didn't want to show people my work because i didn't want them to say it was awful. i at least wanted to hope ..."

hope. i at least want to hope that the dreams that lay buried beneath my fears will come true 'some day.' because isn't that, after all, the most devastating of thoughts ... to give everything you have to something you believe in only to fail? or is it enough to just be pursuing that which brings us hope?

what life awaits you on the other side of your fears?

Thursday, October 9, 2008


i'm a busy person. a lot of us are really busy people.

i usually like it that way ... keeps me on my toes and feeling productive. but sometimes it's just a bit much. this week (until monday), things are a bit ... overwhelming (note today's to-do list). they're all good things. things that i love, things that i'm passionate about, things that are really important. but honestly, did it have to be all at once? i'm usually pretty good when it comes to juggling tasks, but i've almost had a mental break down twice this week. not such a good way to convince people that i'm the girl that "gets things done."

how do you deal with stress?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

no applause, just money folks.

yes, it is true. i just hit the 200 post mark after two years of this blog's existence. much like many things over the course of two years, this blog needs a little makeover (can you imagine if i would have kept the same hairstyle this whole time ... yikes! how uncharacteristic that would be).

anyway ... look for some changes in the coming month. there's a lot going on in my little world of chaos. :)

for those of you that believe that there is a God up there who listens to prayers ... i've got a ton of things going on in the next few weeks that i could use a little shout out for. specifics: finishing a 25 page final by monday (which i haven't started because i can't seem to get motivated); speaking at a conference on the 24th and need to have my presentation ready by next friday; premiere of a film i co-produced is this friday and we're hoping to make some connections; band performance this sunday (all day); making some rather huge career plans for the coming year that could potentially change my life ... drastically. a little clarity, focus and proper prioritization n in all of these areas would be most welcome :) thanks everyone!

here's to the ever-changing road of life!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

you had no responsibilities. no family, no mortgage, no job ... money wasn't an issue ...

what if you could risk everything for that which you are most passionate?

what would you do?

Monday, October 6, 2008

there is something that i think about nearly every time i enter a restroom where others are already occupying stalls.

"if i line the toilet with the paper cover will the person in the stall next to me be grateful that i chose sanitation? OR will they think i'm wasteful because i just contributed to our tremendous environmental issue by killing a branch and flushing into our sewer system? furthermore, if i don't choose to use the paper lining and decide to squat, how will they know that i decided to hover carefully over the bowl in an attempt to save the trees AND maintain a respectable level of sanitation?"

welcome to my brain.

note: while this battle occurs in my mind multiple times a day, i usually choose option "c: squatting" unless i am tired or wearing unstable high heels. i think it's the most bi-partisan choice and we just can't be too careful these days.

Friday, October 3, 2008

we've all heard it ... assumption makes an ass out of you and me.

and i agree ... finally.

as·sume [uh-soom]: take to be the case or to be true; accept without verification or proof.

one of the goals i have for my own character development is to assume less and ask questions more. it's amazing how much more efficient and relationally intelligent you can be when you stop assuming how people are going to treat you based on past experiences or the perceptions others have of the situation based on their own assumptions :)

i kind of like it.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

i was talking to my friend christina the other day and i came to a startling conclusion about myself and perhaps the rest of of my buoyant cohorts:

resilience often resembles bi-polar disorder.

think about it.