my contemplative end-of-the year thoughts

Today’s unexpected dreary, rainy and relatively brisk weather provided the perfect platform for me to sit and reflect on the year that has been and the year that is to come.

Nothing significantly earth shattering comes to mind. Other than, of course, the impending changes that are about to take place in my life whether or not I’m prepared.

As I mentioned a few entries ago … major changes needed to be made in my life in order to experience sustainability in the future (and by future I mean … tomorrow). I’ve been bitter and angry for a while … (clarification, since about sophomore year of college) … and while I realized the problem was that I haven’t been comfortable in my own skin since … it never occurred to me that I had the power to change it.

Ok. Ok. I knew I had the power (I'm not a complete idiot), I just didn’t want to admit that I was the problem all along (now THAT'S stupid - and highly inefficient). It was so much easier to point fingers since others were so obviously more ignorant and destructive.

But I’m tired. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of being what everyone else thinks I’m going to be. And most of all, I’m tired of spending most of my days thinking that I’m capable of being a much better human being.

SO. I quit my job. Mainly because I was spending 9 hours a day in a place that fostered my negativity not to mention the 2 hours a day I spent getting there. Not good.

I decided to start my own company. Crazy right? In these bleak economic times little ol’ me thinks she can pay rent and eat off of brilliant branding solutions for other crazies who are also starting businesses in these again, “bleak economic times.” But I started thinking … maybe I’m onto something. Maybe people just need to see that SOMEONE is willing to step out there and start moving things forward. Maybe businesses could use a little boost from an energetic Gen Yer who has some decent ideas and can at least promise to stir things up a bit. Maybe people just need to stop saying business isn't going well and start saying, "we're working on some really innovative ideas that will change the course of our company forever." Maybe. Even if I end up being wrong, I feel it’s worth a try. A little insanity mixed with a drop of hope never hurt anyone.

I've also mentioned spirituality recently. Definitely a focus for the new year. I haven’t completely given up my love for dropping a few cuss words here and there, but I definitely feel more peaceful and arguably less irritable. I know God (particularly Jesus) isn’t for everyone, but He works for me. So I’m going to roll with Him for a while and see how it goes. So far so good.

And probably the most notable. My upcoming nuptials. I’m not gonna lie, life has been a little awkward for me since meeting Mr. Right. I find myself being genuinely … compassionate … lovey … and (gasp) affectionate. He would argue that these things could use a little (a lot of) work still (to which I would agree), but the mere fact that it’s occurring at all is nothing short of a miracle for me. Do you remember my post millions of years ago about being a closet compassionate? Well, I’m more prepared this year to unleash the beast. It isn’t happening overnight folks, but at least I’m being more intentional about embracing it than fighting it. You should be proud.

I think that pretty much sums it up as I watch people cringe with each tiny rain drop here in downtown L.A. Oh the poor tourist look like the apocalypse is coming (raining in L.A.?! That NEVER happens on TV!). All this to say, I’m a little nervous about 2010. Things are going to be a little uncomfortable for me (including perhaps a switch to proper capitalization on my blog), but I’m excited for the challenge. If I think of anything else worth saying before we are thrust into the new year … I’ll be sure to let you know. For now, I’m signing off and wishing you all the best! Ciao!

more growing pains

it's the day after christmas and i realize how much things have changed in the past few years.

it used to be a non-negotiable that i would be spending christmas eve with my grandparents and my father's side of the family and then spend christmas morning with my mom.

that is ... until last year. i experienced my first christmas eve and christmas morning away from my family. in my entire life.

i made it to kansas the week before christmas ... just long enough to see my grandma's incredible display of christmas goodness around her home, help my mom bake her famous peanut butter cups, catch a little whiff of frozen air and make my way back to l.a. in time to finish my thesis for grad school.

it was terrible. i felt like i was missing out on something important. i felt like things were finally changing in my life since moving to this great city. and it hurt. the loss of tradition, easily accessible family members and weather below 60 degrees at a time where people sing of white christmas' (and not in reference to smog). oh, and not to mention a friendly, "merry christmas" from store clerks. that's not allowed here ... you may offend someone.

this year was supposed to be spent back home again, but things didn't work out. so i decided this was my chance to bring the traditions from home that i love to my new home in california (which i realize after this week is more true than i've ever acknowledged. my home is becoming more indicative of l.a. than kansas these days and it's time to embrace it and begin blending the two).

i baked like there was no tomorrow for my friends and family here since they don't have the privilege of tasting my mom's christmas treats. i decorated the new home with vince in the best holiday decor i could muster in honor of my grandma's winter wonderland in kansas. and i said merry christmas to people in the store. not because i am forcing my beliefs on them or intentionally disrespecting them ... but because that's what it is ... christmas. just like other days that have been designated "national holidays." like fourth of july, new years day ... thanksgiving. and because it's important to me to remember who i am and where i came from.

and thanks to technology, i was able to open gifts with my family on christmas morning from vince's parent's house over web cam. :) this year was a great reminder that i'm growing up and starting a home and a family of my own ... and it doesn't have to be heart wrenching. it just takes a little chocolate, a nice tree, remembering what the celebration is all about and a web cam or two to make things just the way they were supposed to be.

so i sit the day after christmas enjoying what's left of my first "real" christmas tree and playing my last board game with vince (because i refuse to lose again) and smiling that this year was a success. here's to a new year of merging traditions and creating new ones!

dreamer

dreams are a tough thing. they suck you in ... they completely consume your thoughts and worst of all ... they require risks that make you really uncomfortable and usher every insecurity to the forefront of your being.

dreams, in theory, are freeing. they allude to 'what could be.' they give us space to imagine life as if we were created for something bigger.

but here's the thing with dreams ... they don't always come to be the way we planned. say we happen to muster the courage to actually pursue this abstract thing that we feel so strongly about and then nothing happens. then what? you keep plugging along right? because that's what people do when they believe this dream was meant for them. but then the plugging starts to seem so laborious ... useless. it feels like people who aren't as passionate or even as talented are getting the chance to do exactly what you set out to do (how many years ago now?). you start to lose your momentum ... energy ... hope.

and then it happens. someone contacts you out of nowhere and you have a chance to step into the moment you've been waiting for your entire life. except, now you're unprepared.

dreams are tricky like that. maybe that's what sets everyone a part ... there are people who will always get lucky ... even if they don't deserve it. majority of the population won't even take the first step because the first step is always the hardest and most risky. most of the people who do take the leap will quit right before their moment is presented. and the rest ... well ... they are usually the people who inspire us to dream bigger ... to believe that it's possible. and how did they do it? i'm not really sure because i'm not there yet ... but i have a feeling that they chose to believe in themselves enough to get them through all the road blocks along the way. and when they couldn't believe anymore ... they had someone else doing it for them until they got back on their feet.

dreams. they're messy and absolutely necessary for survival. and if you're lucky, you can con someone else into tagging slong with you. at least that's what i'm learning as i take one more step closer to purusing my own ...

integrate generosity

that's one of my goals for 2010 ... integrating generosity.

but where to begin? there's a lot of 'need' around me.

los angeles is filled with it, the places i love across the world are filled with it. and as images fill my mind, the weight of it all leaves me feeling helpless and completely financially drained without even swiping my debit card.

so i went to CNN to check the latest news and divert my attention (because integrating generosity was already overwhelming) and i found an article about teachers. it said they spend, on average, $500 out of pocket each year on classroom supplies.

that seemed wrong to me.

here in california, we're cutting education funding (because that's the best idea our educated government officials could come up with to solve our problem of irresponsible allocation of money).

which caused me to think of my good friend who teaches in one of the most 'underpriveledged' neighborhoods in l.a. if you ask me ... she's a saint who watches her kids live in gang-centered homes on government aid. one of many teachers who have to make sure their students get at least a breakfast bar before beginning class because they come hungry and can't concetrate. she's spending, on average, $500 a year to at least give them a chance.

so i decided i'd try and do what i could. i had big ideas ... like getting everything she could possibly need until i realized i couldn't realistically do that on my own. i wasn't getting very far and was actually feelnig pretty hopeless when a random friend sent me a message asking if she could help.

she posted a flier at her work listing the classroom's wishlist of supplies and snacks and within hours had it covered.

did you get that? covered.

i got a message today saying that donations were still pouring in and that she'd need to meet me this weekend to drop off the first load. ha! load. sure beats the package i had in mind ...

there is nothing more satisfying than knowing how far a little generosity goes. whether it's the time spent putting together the pacakges for each kid, the money to purchase supplies or the donations of an existing surplus ... it changes things. if not for the kids ... for the teacher who needed this one gesture to be reminded that there are people who support her and her efforts to bring hope.

so. 2010 will be full of big changes. but if the result is anything like what happened this week, i think it'll be worth it.

spiritual health

i heard that a lot when i was growing up ... "how is your walk with Jesus, Krysta?" "what has God been telling you lately, sister (from my southern baptist pastor)."

there was a lot of talk about spiritual health. not a lot of listening ... but it was certainly a common topic of conversation in the circles i ran with back home. and i've recently reopened that conversation with myself because i am no longer only responsible for myself. i will have a family in nearly four months that deserves to be healthy ... whole ...

i know i've talked about this a lot, but i've come to quite a cross roads.

i've spent three years trying to do what i didn't do well back home ... love people. which, if i were honest, has not gone as well as hoped because to really love people ... i've found that i need to love God first.

and in keeping with the theme of being honest, i'm not sure i wanted to love God. at least, not in the past few years in the way i had been trained to. wow. trained to. that's actually how i feel about my relationship with God in retrospect. either way ... God and i kind-of kept our distance. i wanted Him in a way that didn't look anything like how He was presented back in the day and i've become a bit emaciated in the process.

in short. i've come to see that God is necessary. that just loving people isn't enough and, arguable, isn't entirely possible without God because well ... there are a lot of really intollerable people out there who make loving very difficult. (especially when you have a low threshold for tolerance ... i know, i know ... working on that)

and i've also noticed that people are hurting. they're making really distructive decisions out of confusion and hopelessness. recently i've felt the world around me has been reflecting this crumbling effect that has been occuring for quite some time in my own soul. and i'm feeling partially responsible for not getting over my fear of being a robotic, judgemental christian and reinventing what a relationship with God looks like - if only for the sake of the people i've been trying so hard to love.

i have a feeling that ... at the end of the day ... people won't deny me friendship with them if i happen to say something about believing in God when they are looking for something ... anything ... to cling to.

first plan of attack: try caring less about proving to the world that christians don't have to be what you think they are (it has proven to be slightly canabalistic)

second: get real with myself and stop depriving my soul of the very thing that it needs to survive.

third: really. just do what i know is right ... for me. then it may not come as a such a shock when i talk about wanting a life that i'm not actively pursuing.

here's to a more balanced ... less anorexic spiritual diet.

turrets

i wear myself out.

to the point of undeniable exhaustion.

and often, i don't stop until i collapse.

this week has been one of those weeks (already). and all because i continue making the same mistakes over and over:

failing to filter thoughts in my at verbal communication and failure to deliver them appropriately.

it's pretty consistent, actually. and when something rubs me the wrong way, i lack both the discernment (a.k.a filter) when expressing my thoughts. oh, and that's another issue ... i, quite consistently, feel the need to express my thoughts.

you see. i haven't quite grasped that not everyone involved, holds the same passion for those points of contention as i. and while it's cute that people say, "you always know where you stand with krysta" or "you never have to guess what SHE'S thinking" it points more to my character flaw of pure ... selfishness.

the fact that it appears i care more about being heard (and let's be honest - being right) doesn't bode well for my future relationships (if i have any left post tirades). i'm well aware that this very turrets-like behavior is motivated by an insanely high level of insecurity and self-doubt. i'm also fully aware that my need to "speak up" derives from this inner fear that if i don't, i'll lose a part of who i am.

and that's the disappointing part. there is a piece of me that actually believes being less of a social catastrophy would mean stripping away my identity. and for someone who isn't quite sure who she is yet ... that's kind-of interesting.

my hope is that there will be a breaking point where i realize letting go of all these ridiculous fears is necessary for me to be a less irrational individual. until then ... approach with caution and patience.