well, who knew that we'd face the worst drop in dow history since my saga on grilled cheese?

geez.

this hysteria has caused me to go back to my discussion on fear again. a few notes from erwin this weekend at mosaic (a part of our "falling forward" series)

"whatever you fear establishes the boundaries of your freedom."

"if you do not learn to overcome your fears, you will not be present ... you will not show up ... when the world needs you most"

"we get trapped in the hollowness of religious activity instead of the reality of being human." (one of my personal favorites because i believe fear of interacting with people who are not exactly like us causes us to rely on religious rituals instead of love to heal a broken humanity. am i sounding like a hippie right now? eh. who cares.)

"when a person gets involved with something God cares about, they crash into Him." (soooo ... create space for people to do what they're talented at and then show them how it can change the world.)

"we are in a moment where if we rise above ourselves despite our fears, we have the potential to change the world."

the goal is not to fear losing our money, our fame, our reputation, ourselves.

the goal is to love more than we fear.

when this happens, our generosity will trump any $700 billion bail out plan. well .... maybe. :)

i've had a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches in the past two weeks. i usually enjoy them ... they're filling ... comforting ... and usually quite tasty. i even enjoy them with a bit of peanut butter on the top ... i know ... sounds disgusting, but don't knock it 'til you've tried it. besides, it adds an element of protein that you probably aren't getting when you have them for multiple meals in a row.

i'd like to blame my diet on the economy. it sounds so much more tragic when i say, "i know [insert friend's name] ... i can't afford anything but grilled cheese, let alone rent!"

but it's really not logical.

it's kind-of like the gas situation. how much more does it really cost to fill up our gas tanks? $10-$15? i understand that that additional money could have been used on a few drinks with the girls after work or a casual dinner with friends (once), but it's really not that devastating. it totally sucks ... but not earth shattering.

what's killing us is our inability to budget (oh, and our need to complain and blame .. but that's a whole nother oprah). now, i'm not downplaying our economic status right now. let's be honest ... it's not looking too great. but it's not like we haven't seen this coming. seriously. all of a sudden people are in a panic. we're running around like it's the apocalypse or something. and i can understand that if you just bought a new mercedes and happen to work for a bank or the lehman brothers.

i'm sitting here in a slight panic myself. my paycheck was deposited at midnight last night (thank God i don't have WaMu) and by noon i was broke. and i have two more weeks until the next one. why? well, because rent is due in a few days (that's 90% of this paycheck- did i mention i live in l.a. the most expensive city in the world?) and i had to pay for my vehicle registration (and the parking tickets that apparently i failed to pay).

now, a few months ago, i overspent when i was in kansas. and i haven't quite recovered. that's my problem. and that's why i'm in a little financial crisis of my own. that's not the governments fault. i would love to blame it on bush because he sounds like a complete moron right now, but i can't. and i have a feeling that, if we were honest with ourselves, we could all admit that times are tough, but that, if we (government included) spent within our means, this whole recession wouldn't be so dramatic.

oh. and by the way. the lack of planning on our government's part should be a lesson to us that we need to be more intelligent with our finances. it's very clear they only became concerned with our fiscal issues when it started to directly effect them.

just saying.

i'm a skeptic. i challenge the status quo. i have a hard time settling for processes that have been used for decades just because they ... work. there are a lot of things about me that don't make sense. and since i don't discriminate, i question those things too.

but this is where it gets tricky.

faith. spirituality. God.

there are a few things i would die for. but probably the most dominant theme is the freedom or liberation of others (very broad topic but can range from economic development in the third world to human trafficking to education for children).

that's noble right? it makes me seem like a hero or something ... like a modern day joan of arc if we were going to get real epic. but what if someone asked why i would risk my life for someone else's freedom?

i could be relatively normal and say it's because i am an activist or that i believe in equality or human rights. that would be very politically correct of me in this election year (and quite trendy).

but what if i said it's because i believe i was created to be a voice of hope? what if i said that i believe Jesus died so that everyone (not just privileged americans) could live a life more abundant? what if i actually said that my motivation is found in the love of Christ?

i sound like a crazy person. honestly. anyone who doesn't believe in God would think i had just drank the koolaid (if you know what i mean). even i think it sounds ridiculous! that some dude back in the day had the power to die and bring life to humanity if we decided to follow him. i get how ludicrous that sounds. i do.

so here's my philosophy ... this week :) people are searching. they're searching for something to belong to ... something that actually works. and a sudden life change isn't going to cut it for people. they want to know that it lasts.

the secret ... lead a compelling life. people may actually get desperate enough to want to know your secret. but until they give you permission to speak into their life ... you're not allowed to act like a crazy person.

apparently it's fall somewhere because i just received my better homes and gardens fall edition in the mail.

in celebration that someone out there gets to experience the beauty of the changing leaves, crisp cool air and faint smell of firewood being burned for warmth ... i will be stopping by starbucks tonight for a seasonal pumpkin spice latte.

if i'm lucky, it may even be cool enough tonight for me to wear a sweater! if not, i will be sweating while taking in my spicy warm beverage. :/

for those of you who live in a place where seasons come and go, i envy you. i really miss the excuse for change.

there is something i'm finally being able to identify after years of poorly executed conversations, unintentionally hurting other's feelings and always feeling conflicted with who i am and who i pretend to be when i'm around other people.

i fear, more than anything, appearing weak.
i fear, in a close second, losing approval or social status.
and i almost always downplay my need for affection (unless i'm with vince and then he gets the annoying duty of having to overcompensate for all the times i denied others the joy of doing so because i thought it made me look too soft)

apparently, i prefer social interaction to be more robotic than human. there could be a couple of reasons for this ...

if i soften up a little bit and actually become (ahem) vulnerable ... very manipulative and mean people tend to find their way in and sabotage my capacity to trust humanity. and if i'm more robotic or seemingly heartless ... i can keep everyone, including the aforementioned manipulative and mean people far enough away so as not to repeat the past.

but what happens when i began to be convinced that the people in my life actually love and care for me and want me to trust them?

well, this is what happens ... i freak out. like any emotionally unintelligent person would do ... and try and give them reasons not to want to be around me because i'm more comfortable with that.

can you see where this whole character development thing can be a problem for me?

what i'm beginning to realize is that, despite what has been said to me in the past, i am not that person. i'm not incompetent, i'm not just an object, i'm not ignorant or lacking in capacity to care for other people. what i'm lacking is the courage to believe that who i am is not who they expected me to be.

because that takes guts. it takes a HUGE amount of trust that these people in my life who so desperately want me to stop fighting them actually believe in the person that i'm trying to keep them from.

my next step ... finding the courage to trust that who i am is enough to keep people from abandoning me. and trusting that the freedom of living my life as myself, will be enough to keep me going even if my worst fears do become my reality.

i think i'm going to do a mini-series on these two words. why? because a few events happened this weekend that cause me to ponder their definitions and how i interact with them.

the first event:


i ride the metrolink. nearly every day.

what did this tragic event mean for me as i stepped onto the train this morning? a fight for a seat in the last car with nearly every other passenger that is usually dispersed throughout the length of the train.

but we all still rode this morning. despite the mass devastation of friday's crash. why? is it because we really don't fear the small probability of crashing into a freight train on our way to work? is it that we trust our conductor more than the driver's on the freeway that we would encounter if we drove? or is it that we trust someone else with our life more than we trust ourselves?

maybe it's not all that complicated. maybe we just can't afford gas and the train is the best option. but i'm still thinking this draws an interesting parallel to my personal life and how i see my fears driving my capacity to trust or be trustworthy.

stay tuned.

if you are a thinker ... you know how bad it sucks to walk around all day with your own brain. seriously. it's obnoxious. it's the reason i have a hard time enjoying well, anything really. it's the reason i am perpetually discontent and seemingly irritated (with overly analytical minds tends to come a scowl that intimidates and scares people).

take for instance my vacation last week.

by day 4, i caught myself thinking, "how many people died today while i sat here sipping my coffee and listening to locusts?" which, naturally (or unnaturally, depending on how you look at it), led to, "i'm a completely unproductive citizen of the world. i'm pretty sure i did nothing for humanity today that will eventually lead to significant change in years to come." ???

I'M ON VACATION!!!!

but that's me. i guess.

i told vince last night that i feel a little off. not sure how. couldn't really identify what my deal was, but i thought he should at least know that i wasn't quite feeling myself. i then proceeded to have a mini discussion in my mind (because honestly ... he doesn't need to hear me processing anything out loud. it leads to irritation and insanity on his end) and this is what i came up with ...

i'm suffering from an extensive vacation hangover which is leading to apathy thus contradicting my inherent nature of doing as much with as many people as possible. in addition, i seem exhaustively disconnected with the source of my energy and motivation thus feeling surprisingly unaware of what i'm passionate about and how to maximize my own potential.

in short. relaxation is not good for me because relaxation doesn't mean doing nothing to me ... although my stress level and heart rate would appreciate that. it means doing things that i really enjoy without the interruption of things i don't enjoy. good to know.

AND i'm not "off", i'm off-balanced. and that's ultimately awkward and weird and throwing my whole system off.

the end.

i went home last week.

home.

that's becoming more and more of a relative term the longer i'm in l.a.

home[hohm]:the place or region where something is native or most common; in a situation familiar to one; at ease.

i've owned l.a. as my new home since the moment i pulled my first box out of my car and put it on the front steps of my house in long beach. i began to consider the world my home after my second trip to india where i found refuge in the familiarity of my friends and favorite coffee shops in the cities i grew to love there. with each new place i dwell ... with each new friend i meet across the world ... i am of the belief that i have a home where they are. and visa versa.

but there is something inside of me that wants to believe that the place i spent 23 years of my life is the place i will always find peace and comfort. i want to believe that i can always go back if things get too difficult. i want to believe that i can have my old life back if i really wanted it.

this time was different though. i felt like i was in some sort of weird twilight zone. nothing seemed quite right ... and everything seemed only vaguely familiar.

i felt out of place. like a foreigner, with little to reclaim.

as relaxing and joyful as my experience was last week, reconnecting with old friends and visiting family, there was something distinctly unsettling about my time there. it can only be described as the realization that i had chosen to pursue something that was only whispered to my soul ... no one else's ... mixed with the pain and weariness i have felt in the midst of that pursuit. i've needed a break. some sort of pause to just be ... no reflection, no analysis of how things are going or how i could improve ... just to be. and i got it. but it had to end. just as i needed space to breathe, i also needed to feel like i was a part of something again ... something significant and something worth risking my comfort for.

it was tempting. very tempting to say, "fine ... you win. i'll come back." but as my plane landed in l.a. i was awakened again and things started to make sense.

my home can not be described by a house, a town or memories of my past. my home is where i feel most alive. and while that may be kansas at different points of my life, i have a feeling that home will take on different shapes, names and images than it has always taken from this point on. and i think i'm ok with that ... finally.