would you be you if ...

If you lived in a different time period?

Seriously though.

I often wonder if I'd be as blunt if I lived in the 50's.

Would I have been so disgusted with racism before the civil rights movement had I lived then? Would I have done something about it?

Would I have had the opportunity to travel, to obtain a master's degree ... to even go to college?

What would my filmmaker husband be so passionate about if he were born in the late 1800's?

Makes me feel like we were created for this exact time in human history for a reason. (Yeah, I know ... maybe I should have been born in the 60's so I could have joined the rest of the New Age movement philosophers).

But seriously. Even if I didn't believe I'm here on this earth for a reason, I still can't help but wonder what I can do with the life I have that people before me could only dream of doing.

i'm back

The blog hiatus has ended.

Life quickly went from pre-wedding to wedding to honeymoon madness during my time away and I'm still not sure I have anything to report that would make much sense as I'm very much living life in a blur.

I was talking to a friend last night and said, "Before the wedding, I felt restless because I just wanted this new life to begin. The wedding was the only thing standing in the way of that and I poured myself into making it a good experience for everyone. When it was actually happening, I tried to do what everyone had told me, 'stop and take it all in because it goes by so quickly.' In fact, there were a few moments that I remember vividly because I stopped and just let it soak in. But now ... well ... what do I do now?"

With no job to go back to, no wedding to-do list to tackle ... I feel a very real lack of purpose. And as most of you know, my "work" has typically been used as a validator for my sense of self-worth. (That and a very unhealthy need for approval from other people). I digress.

I've gotten quite good at loading and unloading the dishwasher, putting clothes away, keep the plants watered and setting out meat to thaw for dinner. Which, to be honest, is impressive (for me). And in my first week back to reality, I've realized I have a lot to learn about being a wife - getting my husband's favorite donut right for starters. (For the record, it's a regular cake donut with regular icing and sprinkles, NOT chocolate icing.)

In the meantime, I'm trying to take advantage of this opportunity to figure out what my real contribution to this world is going to be. There's something about getting a new name that makes me feel like I have a clean slate ... like I have a choice for who I become (I know, I had a chance with the last name too. Humor me).

Even if it's an allusion, the idea of redefining life from a 'new me's' perspective is intriguing. So. I'm gonna run with it and see what happens. Maybe I'll run into the me I was created to be in the first place. Or maybe I'll realize that who I've been this whole time is exactly who I was meant to be. Either way, it's nice to have the space to explore.

Lessons on being resilient

Last week, a few things happened that reminded me how crucial the combination of resourcefulness AND resilience is in surviving major transitions.

1. The contract that had been pushed back until the fall of this year. (Read previous entry)

2. The bumper that fell off, which led to the misuse of hair ties and a roadside epiphany. (Again, refer to previous entry)

3. My busted teeth. So I've had some pretty intense pain in the last month in my lower gum region. I initially thought my wisdom teeth were choosing the most inopportune time to come in and wreak havoc, but then the pain became concentrated to a specific tooth. Since I've never had a cavity, I assumed I'd either need to have a filling or get a root canal (since I'm a dental expert and all). Knowing that I won't have insurance for another few weeks, I kept pushing it off ... that is ... until I spent an entire night with two bags of frozen peas on my face.

So, I called a family friend and she got me in to see her boss (aka ... the dentist). They took an xray and saw ... nothing. No cavity, thus, no root canal. And they didn't even see wisdom teeth. She suggested I start taking Advil and try to lessen my stress load.

Awesome.

4. Oh, on my way to said dentist office ... my check engine light came on. Yeah. I was in Orange County, already late to my appointment because I was lost and now my engine light was on.

"How does my car know it's being held together by hair ties?" Ugh.

I procede to the dentist, have them tell me I need to calm down, have lunch with the future mom-in-law to take a breather and then head to a mechanic who then told me he had never seen that code come up before and that I'd be fine. He went ahead and cleared my car's computer and the light has been off since. Thank God, because I had an engagement party to throw and a fiance's film shoot to support within 24 hours of my dental/engine escapade.

What's the point of all this?

Life happens. And sometimes it happens all at once ... the good and the bad. I've always been pretty good at snapping back, but I have to admit ... this kind of stuff can make a person crazy. So, my suggestions when life happens (in an overwhelming "I'm getting married in less than a month, my teeth hurt and I don't have insurance, I'm not making any money and I have bills and my bumper just fell off " kind of way) ...

1. Re-evaluate finances and shuffle things around a bit. You may even need to ask for help (gulp)

2. Remember to keep hair ties handy OR make lemonade by offering your busted up car to a nice group of filmmakers who were looking for just this kind of prop for their car crash scene in a film so conveniently shooting the week of the incident.

3. Don't grind your teeth ... it causes inflammation and soreness. Oh, and shell out the money to take care of your body. I know times are tough, but times will always be tough when you're choosing between xrays and a mariachi band for your wedding's cocktail hour. So suck it up and pay for the tests.

4. There are things we just can't control. And as someone who likes to fret over those things specifically, I'm going to go on record and say, "it doesn't help." Grab a beverage of choice, some chocolate, maybe even a nice bubble bath and give yourself an hour to just calm the heck down. Because we all know this too shall pass ;)

Lessons on being resourceful

Today a few things happened that reminded me, being resourceful may be the only way I survive self-employment.

1. A contract that had been signed by a client, was retracted until the fall. Putting not only a huge financial strain on me personally for the coming months, but also reminding me that putting all my eggs in one basket ... not so much a great idea. So my frantic fingers went to work emailing every lead I've ever had and calling as many people as possible to get face time with people who may be interested in my product.

2. My bumper fell off this week. Yeah. We were able to put it back on with zip ties and it's actually quite sturdy. Except for one piece ... apparently. Which I realized as I was on the 22 freeway heading back from a meeting with aforementioned client. I pulled over, thinking I'd find that my entire bumper was dragging underneath my car. Alas, it was just a flap of it hitting my front tire. In my cute green heels and trendy little outfit, I kneeled under my car, surveyed the damage and decided two hair ties would have to do the job. And they did.

My point? First of all ... I just put my car back together with hair ties. Let's be honest ... that's pretty amazing. Not the safest, but definitely impressive.

Second ... being resourceful could very well be the one thing that separates you from the people who have consistent work and ... secure bumpers. Today was just enough to remind me that this trait will be my lifeline as an independent contractor and driver without AAA.

Here's to life's lemons ...

God

I've been thinking about these two questions a lot lately:

What do I think of God?

Who do I think He is?

I don't know if you watch Dexter, but if you do, you may understand where my growing paranoia with all things terrifying may come from.

I have escape plans. Lots of them. You can never be too prepared for a home-invasion.

But this deeply rooted fear that something bad is going to happen ... especially because my life is just a little too good to be true ... has consumed me. It causes me to spend time thinking of exit strategies and living in fear of what's around the corner or behind the shower curtain more than living in joy or celebration of the moment.

Now, you may be thinking, "then just stop watching that stupid show." And, while I would agree that it certainly doesn't help ... the show and it's influence are not my biggest concerns.

My concern is that what I think about God and who I think He is plays a much larger role in my living in fear.

I would love to blame it on the fire and brimstone sermons I heard as a kid. Or the youth group revival talks where they say you can be hit by a car and die when you walk out of church that night (just to scare kids into accepting Christ). And who knows, that may very well have played a role.

But I'm 27 years old. I have a brain of my own and, consequently, can think for myself.

I'm fully aware people go to school and become religious leaders to guide people like me in my thinking of the subject. I just feel a little thinking and digging for myself was a more viable option.

So. I went to a Bible study.

Yes ... a legit Bible study with a bunch of really cool girls my age. They aren't like the people I used to be in Bible study with. They're more ... honest ... real ... raw (can I say that?).

Anyway. We were reading Galatians 5. And I started to squirm a little. It took me a few times of reading through it to realize I could interact with the Scripture in a different way than I had done before.

I'm going to be real honest here. My most intimate interactions with the Bible came out of judgement. I was either trying to prove why I was right (and spending hours finding one measly verse that would validate my opinion) or trying to prove someone else's actions were wrong (and there are PLENTY of "Christian Living" books that helped me out there). I would occasionally stumble on passages that blew my mind and gave me a glimpse on how I should have been acting ... but I mostly used it as a metric for rules.

Let me tell you what I learned though.

The first sentence of this chapter is about freedom. God must care about freedom ... What I think of God and who I think He is did not jive with that. To me, he is a God of judgement. I remember being told multiple times that Satan only pays attention to people who are a threat to his mission. I used to think all my adversities could be attributed to the fact that I was doing something so detrimental to the work of evil in this world that obstacles were being thrown my way to deter me.

So. When things started going well for me ... I stopped reading the Bible and being so forward about my "religion." Why? Because I was tired. I was tired of the bad stuff and figured I'd lay low for a while on this whole God thing. I'd still talk to God and serve people and do all those moral things you're supposed to do ... But I certainly didn't want to be noticed. I'm not sure I had the energy for it anymore if that whole theory really was right.

But what this did eventually, was make me feel like I wasn't in the game. And in this passage it says, "You were running well; who hindered you from obeying the truth?"

Uh. Well ...

Your people. Those who claim to be "followers" kind-of left me a little jaded by this whole God thing. And I've just been trying to follow the rules close enough so I don't get yelled at. And what is truth anyway?

God is a God of rules. Lots of them.

Except, if you REALLY read this passage ... He's notsomuch. Because back in the day, all the churchy people kept this whole God thing reserved for people who were exactly like them. It was like a little club or secret society. It wasn't for people on the outside ... and God wasn't having it. It's obvious His "people" didn't quite get that ... but He made sure to repeat Himself until they started to catch on.

So. God is a God of equality. Everyone matters. Everyone.

The kicker: People who love God, are full of what He calls the fruit of the Spirit. I can recite these in my sleep (thanks Sunday school). But the one that stuck out ... Joy. I don't see that a lot. Especially in the traditional church. And if I do ... it's the creepy Christian kind-of joy that makes me feel like I'm in some weird cult.

But joy. Pure joy. I'd like that.

And if maybe I trusted God (which I think is the zinger here) ... I mean, really trusted Him and believed that His intentions aren't to test me or send me threw the ringer ... I may live more intentionally and certainly less fearful. Even if the possibility of the final episode of season 4's Dexter is possible ...

So, what do you think of God?

When you become the person you've been running from

You either embrace it full on or continue fighting it.

Housewife. Business owner.

I always wanted one and ran from the other. You've got a 50/50 shot at which was which.

I never thought the two would ever coincide. My goal wasn't to come up with a business that could be reflected in a stereotypical female role. I was going to play a man's game in a man's world. Which, left no room for things like baking and cleaning house. I never pretended I could be super woman, so I chose one and ran with it while running from the other.

The sweet smell of a freshly dry cleaned suit, stillettoe pumps and a leather satchel... Ahhhh.

But I've found myself in a rather awkward position: working from home.

Yes. That means I've taken to baking and cooking more in between research and meetings. And while I'm doing it, I have to admit it feels liberating. Not super tasty quite yet... But liberating nonetheless to try something so unnatural and new.

When it's just me and my wisk... I own it. And when I'm alone ... you may even catch me with a smile on my face while I watch the batter rise or the chicken brown.

The second vince (or anyone else walks in for that matter) the gig is up. This isn't comfortable for me. I haven't practiced this part. My natural position ... In a conference room. Not behind the stove. And I've made that very clear. You know ... so that there is no confusion that I'm not like other people. (because apparently that has been super important to me)

So. When any mention of how I can improve comes up, or even suggestions for maximizing efficency (which i usually appreciate) ... I lose it. I feel entirely too vulnerable. Naked. Completely exposed to the world that I'm just like every other woman to ever fall blindly into their 'role.' And I am reminded that I'm not particularly good at this... At least not yet. And the truth ... I hate being a weak link.

So, in my mental panic and after I've made a complete fool of myself (and perhaps even burnt something), I remember that I have a choice. I can either define what this whole being a woman, nearly married with a career ahead of her looks like. Or I can live in the fear that I will become ... A stereotype that was probably defined in the first place by people who haven't a clue to begin with and just like seeing girls like me freak out on a regular basis.

Tonight, I chose first to retaliate in fear.

I'm really hoping to get over that before I miss out on a chance to create my own definitions for the roles I choose to play. Or, at the very least, maybe I'll learn to give myself permission to experiment with these "gender specific" roles in case I've mis-perceived its excitement all along.

do you feel taller?

My parents used to ask me that every year on the morning of my birthday.

This morning ... Vince asked me and my response, "a little. But I'm wearing heels ..." It's always a nice reminder that each year brings growth ...

26 was a year that would catalyze some really big changes in my life.

I traveled ... gave more of my heart to the places I love around the globe.

I went home more which ultimately led to a greater appreciation for the things/people that I grew up with. And also reminded me that I have the power to create my own future.

I got engaged which has brought me to a new level of hormonal imbalance, fear and reckless abandon all in the name of love.

I have acquired a love for most things domestic. Call it "nesting" or my biological clock ticking feverishly (and ... I would argue ... prematurely), but I freaking love baking and playing host.

I became a pseudo home-owner. Meaning ... I invested but don't have to help Vince with the mortgage ... at least not until April.

I quit my job to pursue a life-long dream of being the boss. I'll let you know in 6 months how that's working out!

I learned a lot this year. I digressed ... but at least feel that I'm learning. From both the successes and failures.

I was cleaning out some boxes the other day and came across a dream book. It was something I threw together throughout the years of images from magazines that I only dreamed would one day represent my life.

Most of the images were of couples ... not doing anything in particular but clearly in love. Others were of floor plans for homes that will have to remain there until I become a millionaire. But something struck me about the whole book. I always thought 27 would be the best year ... that somehow it would be the year I could look back and be proud of where I had been and what I had become. That 27 would be the beginning of an entirely new era of what my life was meant to be and what I'm capable of. And to be honest ... I'm feeling like that may just be where I am.

So ... here's to you 26 ... for being full of lessons and adventure.

To 27 ... let's do this. ;)