i realized i'm so glad i didn't grow up in a big city. if i did, i never would have wanted to explore anything else. maybe i wouldn't have even known what it was like to be restless ... to want to discover or learn more. i'm also glad that when i go back to kansas, i'm not distracted or irritated with the decreased pace or silence anymore. and i love that i get anxious to go back to the traffic and chaos of l.a. towards the end of my visits. neither one is superior to the other ... one just seems to draw out the best in me more than the other.

i think that's the beauty of self-discovery. it's ok to think differently and act differently than your parents or the people you've always known. it doesn't make you less spiritual or intelligent, nor does it make you a heathen or disrespectful of the way you were raised. it makes you a human on a journey that just happens to look different than the environment you came from.

i've struggled with my own identity crisis for about the past five years (ha probably longer), but it became paramount when i moved to l.a. i felt myself come alive in ways that i was unfamiliar with. ways that seemed wrong and forbidden when compared to what i was always taught, but there was always something so refreshing about my new discoveries. just the idea of experiencing something new or embracing different ideas brought energy to my bones and life to my dying soul.

when i went back to kansas this time around, i felt like a new person. completely comfortable in who i have become in the past few years. it was such an incredible feeling. what i've learned is that, while i flesh out my beliefs and passions differently than i used to (or differently than some of my friends and family back home), it doesn't mean that i'm not motivated by the same Truth that they are. it doesn't mean i've "fallen off the wagon" or that "l.a. has ruined me." it just means that i have found a way to tell my story and appreciate the stories of those around me.

kim ... i thank you for being my life coach (even if you didn't know you were). our conversation this weekend helped me articulate what i've learned without feeling like i was being judged or criticized.

tanner (my brilliant and objective brother), thanks for always understanding where i'm coming from ... even if you don't agree. i'm glad that our decisions, while taking us geographically farther away from each other, have actually helped us identify with one another more.

to all of the people i never spent time with when i actually lived in kansas (because my church friends were always more important) ... i'm really glad i've gotten to know you better. i'm so thankful that you allowed me to make mistakes and haven't dismissed God in my ignorance of what it meant to truly follow Him.

and to vince ... thanks for being there to pick me up from the airport every time i leave you. hopefully you're seeing a fun little pattern ... i always seem to make my way back to you.

so the lesson...

i've changed. a lot. but it doesn't mean that i've lost sight of what's important. and i know that it's easier to believe that who i was was the truest of myself, but is it also possible that i am finding a way to live that speaks to how i was created rather than how i was always suggested to be? this is why i'm not losing sleep at night ... because there is something greater going on around me that i'm suddenly aware of and i'd like to be a part of it ... even if it makes those who have known me for a long time uncomfortable.