isn't it beautiful?

i love fountains ... there's something mysteriously elegent about them. so timeless and full of stories of lovers that have walked passed, homeless that have bathed in them and lost souls wandering by in hopes of finding retreat in the echo of its falling water.

today i sat next to this fountain in hopes that the water's loudness would cancel out my own thoughts and provide a nice companionship to my loneliness. but just as i was really finding my chi, a woman walked up to the fountain as i was sitting there and began talking to the fountain. she looked so concerned ... as if her and the fountain have been friends for a while. she was holding a rusty penny and at the end of her monologue, she dropped the penny into the water, making sure it hit the bottom.

she stood there a minute, nodded, and then walked away.

i glanced at the fountain, then at her, then at the fountain again, wondering if i had just missed something.

and then i realized that when she walked up to the fountain, i had just been having a similar conversation with my Dream Maker, hoping that this time i would say the right thing or offer up the right coin to receive the response i desperately needed. funny how we see God sometimes huh?

He was probably thinking i'd be better off dropping in a few cents into the fountain.

the yogic sages say, "that all the pain in human life is caused by words, as is all the joy."

words.

words. are.

how i've defined my existence. how you ... how they have affirmed my being.

words. are.

the very weapons that suffocate my soul and torment me in broad daylight.

these. words.

they rhythmically dance around in my mind and seduce my every thought.

your. words.

linger. like a fragrance. and they soon become ...

my. words.

to be repeated for hours in my mind until only the stains are left from their tread marks.

it are these words that have seemed to nestle in the crevices and chosen to stay.

and then ...

her. words.

a desperate beggar wanting nothing but spare change let's out a cry when no one stops. and as i walk by, says very softly ...

you're beautiful.

those. words.

the first of my day. fought for joy in the pain of the last words i heard yesterday.

let's recap for a minute on my past obsession with african american history.

for my poor parents, i was the child who misplaced her inherent gift of advocacy on the topic of the oppression of black people in america during the time of slavery. yes. i, for some reason, thought it necessary to remind my family of what wretched people we were for having put these individuals through such unimaginable circumstances (as if my parents actually did the oppressing).

i was also the kid who cried after school when i got home because all the girls in my classes had beautiful braids. and why couldn't i have them? (by the way, this got worse when the braids came in gorgeous styles like the curly thin ones in the early to mid 90s).

i'm sure my family thought there was something drastically wrong with me or that and probably prayed that i would eventually grow out of it. i was seemingly unaware of my not-so-black heritage and had adopted the black race as "my people" (i'm getting a really good laugh at this as i'm writing. seriously ... get a picture of little, skinny, fro-haired krysta with just as much passion and aggravation for social injustice as i have now ... running around the house in an uproar over things that hadn't even occurred in my parent's lifetime. oh my ... that's a whole 'nother oprah!)

anyway, just as i was losing my fiery attitude, mariah carey came on the scene (oh and i was sooo close!). the moment my parent's thought they had won the battle for my strange need for rythm and soul ... she appeared in concert for the first time in her black dress and curly hair on my television screen.

i was hooked. i LOVED her. i wanted to be her. then there was whitney houston. body guard say what? seriously folks, it was an endless cycle. i was keenly aware, as a teenager at this point, that i was lacking a genetic element that these women had. but then kirk franklin gave me hope ... remember God's property? uh. yes. i owned every album. if you don't remember "stomp" you should be smacked (or maybe i should be for having transferred it repeatedly to my various MP3 devices).

after years of touring ... he added a few white people to his choir. what? i know that talent isn't reserved for specific races, but let's be honest. there are very few white girls that can hang with the diva greats like aretha, whitney, mariah, etta james, etc etc. back to kirk ... i was instantly motivated to listen to as much gospel music as possible so that i could emulate the vocal runs of these natural talents. ha. just imagine ... me, the preacher's wife soundtrack and a fake mic in my basement, performing in front of a mirror. wow. i honestly thought that my insanely large hair and large butt (for a white girl) would get me a little closer to a chance at auditioning.

ten years later ... i'm still there. wishing, not-so-openly that i were an R&B artist or a gospel singer that could hang with the best of them.

and last night i got my chance.

i am the proud member of one of the most brilliant bands in l.a. (maybe a little biased ... but seriously ... we're really good). and last night ... i got to lead. and something was awaken in me ... someone with ... dare i say it ... soul ... emerged.

we.tore.it.up. and i can officially die a happy woman. thanks to all of my band mates for humoring my long-awaited chance to hang with the big guns :) i love you guys!

i was looking through an old journal and came across a few things that didn't even sound like something i would write.

it was so articulate and passionate. shockingly well written.

i felt a bit ashamed that i've regressed so much in my ability to communicate my thoughts with such clarity. but more surprising was my increasing awareness of how passionate i was about the local church and what we could have been doing to maximize our potential and expand out influence.

this passion ... i feel like it has been buried just below the surface. perhaps from the years of people telling me i was too forward and too challenging in response to what i was most passionate about. or maybe it's subsided after having been away from the traditional church (or at least the church that i'm most familiar with) for a few years.

i've experienced unexpected moments when what matters to me comes in full view and this passion i feel i've lost become my best friend again. those moments, i've found are when i'm traveling, when i'm advocating (or when i see an injustice occur) and when i'm a part of a movement that brings the inherent talents of others together to work towards a common goal.

i'm assuming all of these thing combined caused the tension that was then my passion. i suppose what i need now is to find the place where my passions align with my actions. apparently ... according to my old musings ... this is when i'm most alive and consequently most effective.

some of you may have noticed that i have slight discrepancies with the way we've been doing church for the past ... oh ... 50 years or so. i'm still trying to mold my opinion on such matters, which is why i try not to flap my mouth in as much passion and anger as i used to. but i'm leaning towards one particular aspect of the human experience with spirituality/divinity that is causing me to hone in on something very important to me.

unadulterated talent.

(community and a sense of belonging come in a really close second, but i think talent is a good start.)

a lot of conversations and experiences have led me to this belief. if you read my blog, you know i believe that we were all created to do something specific, which means we all have inherent talents that, if used, cause others to be inspired and wanting more. this is a good thing. it leads other people to wonder if, in fact, they too were created for more. i'm also of the belief that being the best at what we do will cause people to ask us questions ... they see us as experts ... which then provides us a platform to tell our stories (whether they provide Hope or not).

what i've been most familiar with are church settings that have quite good musicians and speakers and artists but not quite as good as their mainstream counterparts. we're ok with this because it's church, not MTV and it's worship not "secular" music. for some reason, there is a culture that feels this level of professionalism and talent is perhaps less-sacred than those who are not-so-talented but are doing it for God.

i'm not so much ok with this. (and this is coming from the girl who can't compete on the world stage of musical talent so she decided that she would lead worship instead because it is, after all, for a good cause). now, again, i'm not saying that we need to have bono leading our spiritual gatherings ... that would be absolutely tragic actually, because he's already doing it for us ... for people who would never step foot in our religious institutions. what i am saying is ...

i had a spiritual experience at the staples center last night, watching quite possibly one of the best bands on the face of the planet (arguably, of course). which like i've been saying, leads ME to believe that I PERSONALLY connect with God through raw talent. it happens a lot.

jazz bars (or just bars). concerts. standing in a building designed by a brilliant architect. seeing insane dance moves. watching a film so thoughtfully and artistically constructed. being in a business meeting with people who are very clearly at the top of their game. having conversations in class with people who are just so smart it's ridiculous.

and what i want, more than anything, is for people who are curious about God to interact with these individuals. because i honestly think that's where a conversation could begin for them about what it means to be fully alive.

i went and watched my good friend and fellow band member jason joseph perform last night at an r&b club in hollywood.

he was brilliant. as usual. he was the most talented artist there ... by a lot.

we went with two other people from mosaic and one of them said, "it wasn't much different from when he's leading worship. that surprised me. i felt like his motivation was the same but he was in a bar."

i love it.

that's EXACTLY the point. at a music meeting last week, erwin talked about the origination of "contemporary worship music" as we know it ... maranatha.

he said the best writers and players of that era came to Christ through billy graham. the leadership of the time basically told them to stop making music for the "world" and make it for God. thus ... worship as we know it.

wouldn't it have been better if they would have kept making great music in the world as new followers of Christ instead of absorbing all of that talent into the church? they had a global platform ... a chance to expand your sphere of influence by millions.

i will tell you that this is one of my favorite characteristics of my l.a. community. the goal isn't to take the most talented individuals in our city, make them followers of Christ and then confine them to the four walls of a church. our goal is to make sure these people have a platform. a big one.

and everyone last night who heard jason, had the opportunity to experience a bit of hope through his artistry. and anyone who had the chance to speak with him afterwards got a taste of love in their conversation.

they didn't have to come to church to experience God last night. and for me, there is nothing more beautiful than that.

ha. that may very well be the understatement of the year. anyone who knows me would be able to tell you that my lack in athleticism puts me close to the bottom of the food chain in this realm. for one, i can't swim ... i know, i know ... i'm 25 and still can't swim. i went camping last weekend and almost pooped my pants when we went down the river and hit rapids ... in an inner-tube. i can't run all that well either. at about a mile i start to overheat like a chevy truck from the 50s. team sports ... ummm ... i'm not so much a team player, so that one's out (kidding ... kind-of). and we don't even need to touch the land-o-gymnastics. you have to be seriously instable, insane or perhaps just ridiculously gifted in order to flip your body around on a beam that could very well end your life if you happen to land on it wrong.

athleticism alone would keep me out of the running. that's obvious.

but i'm thinking discipline and focus would do me in if i happened to make it past the committee.

when i watch the contenders prepare for their events, i see something in their faces that most people don't have. determination. focus. a calm consistency that only discipline could bring.

i think that has only happened to me once in my life. when i was competing for miss kansas. stay with me on this one. i had been competing in preliminary pageants for months before obtaining a crown that would move me on to the miss kansas competition (a title, if won, would take me to miss america). put all of your preconceived notions aside about this world of "beauty pageants" and hear me out. i worked every day in the gym, had a strict eating schedule, booked myself for a community service or speaking event three times a week on top of my full-time job, last semester of college and responsibilities at my church. it wasn't easy. but i was focused ... i had a goal ... to win. and i had a specific motivation to win that made this schedule feel normal and completely worth the chaos.

but it hasn't really happened since.

i wish i were that focused in my search for God. ha. i even applied to seminary because i thought it would at least get me in the habit of reading and meditating on God's word.

i wish i were more focused in my career, but my brain sees WAY too many directions in which i could take myself.

i wish i had that ONE THING that i devoted my life to. like swimming, gymnastics ... an art.

being in l.a. makes it much more clear that i'm just flailing around trying desperately to attach myself to SOMETHING so that i can move forward with intentionality. i wish i were like vince and knew that i was created to be a director. i wish i were like my brother who has been so diligent in mastering his craft since childhood because he just knew he was created to design roller coasters.

erwin once said that if we don't enjoy the discipline required to become great at (insert dream here) ... it's not really what we're passionate about.

i really hope that THING comes soon ... or at the least ... i hope the pursuit of IT shapes me into becoming the person i was created to be.

so i envy the olympians as i watch them take the world stage and wear proudly all that they've worked so hard for around their necks in shiny gold fashion. but my envy turns to admiration and desire when i watch them step off the platform to do it again ... and again ... and again.

i hope that some day i'll have that much discipline to breed the greatest of myself.

seriously folks. i've had a heckofayear.

from new places to new faces. to terrifying realities about who i am and how much farther i have to go. to being completely blown away by the joys and intimacy found in community.

so ... just a little recap of my second year in l.a.

places i roamed this year:
new york city, santa barbara, toronto, mexico, kansas(twice), disney land (thanks to my annual pass), malibu, st. louis, chicago, washington d.c., india, china, honduras.
note: i spent a little over 9 weeks away from l.a. this year ... that's crazy.

things i saw:
creepy people at knottscary farm, niagara falls, the stars hanging over my city from the gorgeous griffith observatory, lots of waves splashing against the shore, vineyards, canyons, dave matthews band at the hollywood bowl, snope (fake snow), a blizzard in kansas, great wall of china for the first time.
note: even though i didn't see it ... i felt my first earthquake this year. yay!

new obsessions:
brunch, thanksgiving in mexico, christmas time at the grove, wine, rooftop pool parties and BBQs, economic development in the third world, surrounding myself with people who are MUCH MORE talented than i, road trips throughout southern california, staying up late with alice and talking about how we're changing the world.

things i thought i'd never do (but did this year):
stand in line on opening day for a product, pierce my nose, buy a car, fall in love with someone from california, go to a fraternity formal, actually live in the heart of a major city, be in a band with signed artists, help produce a film, spend time in a landfill and miss the smell and the people i met there, start a master's program

oh so thankful for:
visitors from home, my honduras team and the people we met there, being in the most incredible band EVER at mosaic, my roommate and our awesome loft in downtown l.a., my best friend's healthy pregnancy, my family and their enthusiasm for vince and i to come home and visit, vince and his family and friends who have taught me how to love and let go long enough to let them love me, mosaic and all it's messiness and beauty. and for the insanely adventurous journal God sent me on two years ago to find him in a way that only i would connect to.

here's to another year of goodness ...

i've been MIA due to a term paper that's due tomorrow ... apologies.

BUT i said something that was really funny (in context) yesterday that actually came up again a few minutes ago in a conversation.

(as i was walking about 50 feet in front of my lunch group) i said, "you know, i just realized ... i don't think i'm a leader ... i think i just walk faster than everyone else."

the girls laughed.

then it came up again in a conversation today and i started to think ... maybe walking fast isn't exactly the key to appointed leadership, but intentionality is. i knew what i wanted ... lunch. and the people that were with me wanted the same thing. they followed me because they didn't really care how we got there, they just wanted to end up in a place that served food.

and they got it.

so maybe i'm onto something ... maybe walking (quickly), with intentionality, DOES set us a part as people who influence others. or maybe i'm just completely out of it after having written a personal philosophy of leadership in third person in a 24 hour time period.