phases

this is simply a continuation of the conversation i've been having on this blog for months. all the question i've been mulling over regarding spirituality, expectations, where my life is headed, growing up, etc ... are starting to boil down to a few things.

1. who am i ... really?
2. what was i created to do?
3. where do i go from here to create the life i was made for?

vince and i were invited to be a part of a leadership experience at mosaic for the next 7 weeks. last night was our first 'experience' at it left me dumbfounded. i'm still reeling from a few questions that were posed last night in our leadership discussion:

when was the moment when you realized, "if i don't do it ... no one else will?" where you said, "i HAVE to do this."

uh.

i thought about that for a while, hoping i didn't have to speak first in my group. and by the time it was my turn, i still didn't really have an answer ... so i kind-of picked the first thing that came to my mind. actually, that's a lie. i picked the second thing that came to my mind ... because the first thing was in the context of the church leadership, and i thought that would come across as a typical 'Sunday School' answer.

but if i'm honest. the last time i really felt like i was supposed to do something ... the last time i thought, "i HAVE to do this" was when i was en route to L.A. since then, i've been hopping from one project to the next trying to find my place.

we busted out the Bible last night (been a while since i've done that) and some really cool things came out that made me look at my 'leadership funk' in a new way. we talked about how the scriptures assume we have zeal, it just wants to make sure we're informed ... moving forward with knowledge ... channeling our passion appropriately. one comment hank made was, "if i blaze my sword, i better know what i'm swinging at and why."

that stuck with me.

because i'm really good at blazing my sword in hopes of hitting ANYTHING worth fighting for. and let me tell you ... i've found a lot of things worth fighting for since i came to l.a. ... but nothing that i'm willing to do on my own. which brings me to the final point from last night that has been ringing in my brain for nearly 24 hours:

people only follow people they know will do it without them.

so, for now, i'm trying to get back to the basics (per usual). i'm trying to remember the moments when people believed in me (whether it was just this weekend during a conversation with my incredible fiance or 20 years ago at church camp) ... because those moments will inevitably direct me towards that thing that i just can't walk away from.

in the meantime, there are a handful of people in my life who need to know that they are capable of greatness. and i think, for now, it's my job to make sure they know that. who knows, i may be the only person that will ever tell them.