it's happening

it has been nearly four months since vince and i became the engaged couple that we are. you'd think that the proposal weekend, the new house and the wedding planning would usher a collective sense of, "i'm going to be a bride."

but it hasn't. at least ... not really.

until this weekend.

at our engagement party, both family and friends spoke of our love from their varying vantage points. there were tears, laughs and moments of complete and utter awkwardness for vince and i as we waited in the silence between 'speeches.'

the unexpected showering of words made me feel exposed. naked. i was reminded in that moment that people are watching us. and who we are together will either spark a sense of hope and genuine love or, at the very least, only remind them of all the relationships they have witnessed to date.

something that was repeated multiple times in the speeches of our friends and family was, "i hope to some day have the love that you have." and with each repetition of that phrase, slight flashbacks of times when i thought the same thing of my friends who had found love raced through my mind.

and i realized ... i'm the bride this time.

the following day was spent looking for 'the dress' with a two of my bridesmaids and my mom. as i stepped out of the dressing room and onto the 'pedestal' in front of the giant mirror, i couldn't seem to communicate to my brain that this was actually happening. my friend sarah was far more enthusiastic about the experience than i until i stepped out for the last time in a dress i felt represented me and all my confused wonder.

i smiled and hopped onto the pedestal and watched as the girls snapped their cameras furiously. no tears, no drama, no gasps ... just a collective agreement that this dress made me look like a girl who was about to walk down the isle.

the experience wasn't what i always thought it would be. and that's probably because it was so surreal (and, honestly, a bit overwhelming). by the time i had gotten to the final dress, i wanted to walk out of the store with it and check it off my 'wedding to-do list.' but more than anything ... i just wanted vince to be there. i wanted to share the experience with him. i wanted him to tell me what he thought of the gowns. and i wanted to pick the one that made his face light up ... because that's all i care about.

so when we all went back to the new house later that night, nothing made me happier than to open the gifts we received from our party the night before ... with him.

i realized (in between the cards and wrapping paper) that this whole wedding thing doesn't interest me near as much as being with the guy who started this circus with a simple little question a few months ago. ;) and i think i'd be more than happy to forgo my chance at a big white gown and all that comes with it, if it meant that i could go home to vince tonight, have a nice dinner, watch a movie, fall asleep on the couch and start our lives tomorrow morning.