waiting rooms ... not a fan. i could give you multiple reasons why, but the most dominant reason ... i don't like to wait.

it seems so unnatural. everything around me is in constant motion, yet, i'm forced to wait my turn. for what? an invitation from the nurse to come in and wait in another room only to have the "professional" tell me what i already know? no thanks.

but here's what i've learned about the giant waiting room i've been in for the past year:

- more has happened in my waiting that has prepared me for this moment i'm about to step into.
- the fear of moving forward is actually worse than the movement itself.
- sometimes we just need to calm down.
- and sometimes, we need to be ok with being in the present.

now, for someone like me that likes to think i'm far more progressive than perhaps i really am, these have been difficult lessons. i'm stubborn, and i like to think i have it all together ... and i most certainly don't like people telling me their theories for what i should do because, in my mind, i'm on a completely different health plan than everyone else.

but here's the deal. while i may be a bit impatient, i'm also aware that where i am is where i need to be. but the crazy thing is that i'm not fully engaged because of a fear that i'll lose everything. it's scary to leave things behind, you know? whether it's material possessions or dreams you carried with you that really need to be let go of ... it's scary.

no longer. there is now a glimmer of hope that, even losing everything wouldn't be so bad ... if it leads me to where my heart longs to be.

"But don’t worry, usually the threat of death makes people a lot more aware of their lives." (The Alchemist)

So ...

I am impatient. Stubborn. Fearful. Human.

But I have hope.

In the last post I mentioned that I've been entertaining the possibility that, perhaps who I thought I was isn't exactly who I really am.

Since I began this blog, I have posted multiple times of my struggles to connect with God since moving to L.A. I have also mentioned that I was seeking to find value and worth in the church, not in Christ (which, consequently, has conditioned me to validate my own spirituality on that barometer as well ... not good).

As I move towards a better understanding of who I am and why God wanted me to be here and nowhere else at this point in my life, I am realizing that maybe it's all about faith:

Izzy about Dr. Yang: "She knows what she wants. She has this faith in her skill and in herself. An unwavering faith. She knows who she is and I want that. I was chasing cardio because I want what she has. The faith part. I want that."

You see, that's just it. I want an unwavering faith that leaves me encouraged and hopeful even when things don't go as I thought they would. I want to just know that God is proud of me for pushing myself and asking the hard questions. I want to know that He is all around me and speaking fresh vision and life into my soul. And none of that comes with over analyzing or reason ... it comes with faith.

I have to wake up tomorrow believing that I'm on a path different from what I know for a reason much larger than myself. I need to believe that the millions of people that I'm surrounded by need me to be with them and that I need them to be with me (even if it makes me uncomfortable). Because, in the end, we're all trying to find meaning ...

and if I just had a little more faith ...

maybe ...

just maybe ...

they would hold on long enough to know what really mattered.

Dr. Bailey: "But at the end of the day, the fact that we show up for each other in spite of our differences, no matter what we believe, is reason enough to keep believing."

I am a person of faith.

so i submitted a question during a discussion time with Erwin McManus this week and he addressed it last night:

"I moved to L.A. from the Bible belt to pursue my dreams. Why do I seem more disconnected from God (or even less spiritual) here than I did back home?"

Answer: L.A. helps you to know who you really are.

Yeah. I'll just leave it at that ... that's a great way to set up my forthcoming blogs.

Came across this today in some research:

"You are an original, an utterly unique human being. You cannot have the life you want, make the decisions you want, or be the leader you are capable of being until your actions represent an authentic expression of who you really are, or who you wish to become." Susan Scott

While I was hoping to post the quintessential blog for the first day of the new year, touting new beginnings, clean slates and the infamous resolution piece, my thoughts are on quite the contrary.

I awoke this first day of 2008 feeling anything but refreshed. In fact, if anything, I was assured that New Years Day is really a day we all beg for fresh starts and pasts that are miraculously erased as the little ball drops at midnight. We (meaning I) ultimately hope to rise on January first a new person.

But this morning was different. This morning I was met with sadness from an unresolved conflict the evening before. I was met with lingering confusion about where I'm going and what I will be doing in the coming year and worst, I was reassured that I am still ridiculously far away from being the person I hope to become.

Perfect.

Not only was I having a difficult time embracing the new year (already), I started the day doubting humanity as my friend and I stepped outside only to find that her car was vandalized overnight. Seriously?

Here's where things get a bit more positive ... ironically.

My attitude sucks ... often. Not on purpose ... honestly. I just have a lot going on in my brain, which totally isn't anyone else's fault, and I take myself WAY too seriously (which consequently leaves me with a really irritated expression on my face). My point ...

I can't control what happens to me or my friends or my family. But I can control how I react and how I represent myself in moments of adversity or new and uncomfortable situations. I also know that not everyone is exactly like me, nor do they come from a place I'm familiar with ... which means I could actually be wrong on a few things. And that's terrifying to me. I want to be able to relate ... to coexist and bring hope in the midst of it all.

So my thoughts on 2008 so far ...

It will only be a good year for me if I choose to put other people before myself. To seek to understand them rather than be understood.

Oh, this is going to be an interesting year ...

i'm coming to realize that when people don't feel like they are doing something that matters ... nothing matters.

My past has been taunting me lately.

When I made the decision to move to L.A., I died to the idea of ever being the same again. I knew that when I moved, my life would be changed forever. What I didn't take into consideration, was that the things I had once prematurely dreamed of, would have to be recreated and made new in its own time.

This time of year is a perfect opportunity for nostalgia to get the best of me.

I start thinking of home and the comfort of family. And that turns into thoughts of how scattered and lonely L.A. can be and before you know it, I'm tearing up wishing I could just be in the familiar again.

I didn't take into consideration that starting new relationships would mean that they start from this point on, excluding the 23 years of history prior to the move. I failed to consider what it would be like to look for a home in L.A., get married in L.A., have a family in L.A. when my family is 1600 miles away. What does it look like now to start building memories with my new friends and my new family that have no connection to my friends and family back home?

I'm learning that, when my past seems to be more present in my mind than reality, it doesn't mean I wish I were somewhere else. It just means I'm learning how to function in a life I feel called to without forgetting where I've been.

So, for those of you who are here with me every day, thanks for your patience as I try to see life in a different way.

For those of you who are back in Kansas ... you've left a mark on my soul that will never be erased, so don't think that I've forgotten you!

Here's to another paradigm shift AND to realizing who my tribe really is.