ten-shuhn:
1. the act of stretching or straining.
2. the state of being stretched or strained.
3. mental or emotional strain; intense, suppressed suspense, anxiety

my brain hurts. you know the feeling of having a complete battle within your own mind and you can't run from it because, well, where you go ... there you are?

that's me.

all the time.

my friend cliff says i'm in a "Dip" (read Seth Godin's book and you'll know what he's referring to).

i say i'm just confused.

i wish i wasn't that way. i wish i could be a little more carefree sometimes (oh let's be honest ... a lot of times), but it doesn't seem to come as easy for me as it does for others.

"the impulse in our world when faced with tension is to come up with the seven steps or the formula so that if you do things in the right order the tension will go away. but that doesn't always work. one of the marks of someone who has experienced significant growth in their soul is their ability to live in the midst of tension." rob bell

so i'm thinking in this very moment, where tension seems thick, that decisions need to be made so that i don't contribute or perpetuate the madness. aha .. i read on ...

"as human beings, we take part through our actions in the ongoing creation of the world. the question is, what kind of world are we going to make? what kind of world will our energies create? we will take it somewhere. the question is, Where?" rob bell

i love chaos. i really do. but it's not so awesome when i can't organize it or fix it. and when dealing with my own chaos, it seems much more terrifying and convoluted.

that's why today, i need you to be patient with me.

and hopefully tomorrow my energy will be focused on things with a bit more substance and potential.