underneath the excitement of moving into a new season of my life, i'm so nervous. i know that this transition is going to bring so much adventure, beauty and joy to my life, but taking the final step is scary. what if this life i've always dreamed of, doesn't end up being as great as i pictured it? or worse ... what if it is and then i realize i'm not strong enough to survive in it? what will i dream about now that i'm moving into my movie-esque scenerio? and then there's the other, more glaring thought ... what if it's everything i've imagined and i am exactly where i'm supposed to be? in a place where my soul is content ... where i can thrive and mature and live freely under the umbrella of peace and ultimate joy? that seems more terrifying to me than the other concerns.

aren't i supposed to be upset with how things should be but aren't? am i not supposed to be conflicted by desires to live in joy and yet live in the midst of so much pain? is it right to be ... happy?

that may sound completely stupid for those of you who find it easy to have fun. but i take life way too seriously most of the time. and the result of that is a fear of happiness. a fear of enjoying anything outside of accomplishing a task for the greater good.

so this move leaves me a bit terrified that i may just end up a genuinely joyful person and i'm just not sure i'll know what to do with myself at that point.

am i totally weird and in need of psychiatric interviention, or do any of you feel the same way sometimes?