my life is changing every day.

i am constantly reminded that this life in l.a. is so much more than i could have dreamed in the days when i was in kansas ... praying that God would push me to go somewhere i felt more alive ... more free.

there are days when i have to pinch myself and wonder if i'm really in this place, living the life i just assumed was for someone else. someone more bold and adventurous. someone who had prayed harder or believed with a deeper faith than i.

this is it ... this is the life i prayed for in my desperation. this is the life i promised to nurture and take care of and share with others.

there are still pieces of me that wonder about kansas. i wonder if i will ever really feel comfortable being in the place that both shaped me into the person i am today and brought me to my knees in pain.

my grandparents are moving today into a brand new house. thoughts of nostalgia are almost faint as i try to bring them back to the forefront of my mind in the midst of all the changes happening here and back home. i almost feel guilty and selfish for being excited about my life here when each day that passes seems to my past farther away in my mind.

maybe that's what happens as you get older. people move on, they grow up, they start new traditions and families that will serve their own life cycle. but in the midst of all these shifts, i can't help but shake the innocence and security of my past as i curled up next my brother and grandparents on the couch during a late night ice cream and a movie session. i felt like a princess there. i was pampered and fed all the pop and peanut m&ms a girl could want. i got to wear makeup and twirl around in new clothes after a shopping outing. (yes folks, i once owned the fact that i was a girly girl). i drew pictures for mom because i would start to miss her on our weekends away. i had barbie dolls there and ceramics to paint. mom had taught me about Jesus and i thought about Him all the time there ... wondering if this is what heaven would be like.

i guess that's why my parents want grandchildren so badly :)

i'm beginning to realize, however, that all of the beauty i felt in that home is what i feel when vince's arms are around me. it's what i feel when i'm sitting on the train and wearing my favorite outfit to work. it's what i feel when i'm sitting in india at a coffee shop and watching a group of kids laughing and playing ball on the street. i feel it when i watch people leave their shoes on the stage at the mayan for someone they don't even know who lives under a bridge down the street. and i feel it right now as i realize He's been pursuing me all along.

that house provided a shelter for me process what God has been trying to tell me since i was a little girl ... that i'm worth loving and pursuing. that i'm beautiful. and no matter what may be sold or relocated or forgotten of my past, there is a history of moments when i know things were as they should be. and without them, i would have no way of knowing that today ... i'm where i'm supposed to be.

so here's to 1512 bluespruce ...