my contemplative end-of-the year thoughts

Today’s unexpected dreary, rainy and relatively brisk weather provided the perfect platform for me to sit and reflect on the year that has been and the year that is to come.

Nothing significantly earth shattering comes to mind. Other than, of course, the impending changes that are about to take place in my life whether or not I’m prepared.

As I mentioned a few entries ago … major changes needed to be made in my life in order to experience sustainability in the future (and by future I mean … tomorrow). I’ve been bitter and angry for a while … (clarification, since about sophomore year of college) … and while I realized the problem was that I haven’t been comfortable in my own skin since … it never occurred to me that I had the power to change it.

Ok. Ok. I knew I had the power (I'm not a complete idiot), I just didn’t want to admit that I was the problem all along (now THAT'S stupid - and highly inefficient). It was so much easier to point fingers since others were so obviously more ignorant and destructive.

But I’m tired. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of being what everyone else thinks I’m going to be. And most of all, I’m tired of spending most of my days thinking that I’m capable of being a much better human being.

SO. I quit my job. Mainly because I was spending 9 hours a day in a place that fostered my negativity not to mention the 2 hours a day I spent getting there. Not good.

I decided to start my own company. Crazy right? In these bleak economic times little ol’ me thinks she can pay rent and eat off of brilliant branding solutions for other crazies who are also starting businesses in these again, “bleak economic times.” But I started thinking … maybe I’m onto something. Maybe people just need to see that SOMEONE is willing to step out there and start moving things forward. Maybe businesses could use a little boost from an energetic Gen Yer who has some decent ideas and can at least promise to stir things up a bit. Maybe people just need to stop saying business isn't going well and start saying, "we're working on some really innovative ideas that will change the course of our company forever." Maybe. Even if I end up being wrong, I feel it’s worth a try. A little insanity mixed with a drop of hope never hurt anyone.

I've also mentioned spirituality recently. Definitely a focus for the new year. I haven’t completely given up my love for dropping a few cuss words here and there, but I definitely feel more peaceful and arguably less irritable. I know God (particularly Jesus) isn’t for everyone, but He works for me. So I’m going to roll with Him for a while and see how it goes. So far so good.

And probably the most notable. My upcoming nuptials. I’m not gonna lie, life has been a little awkward for me since meeting Mr. Right. I find myself being genuinely … compassionate … lovey … and (gasp) affectionate. He would argue that these things could use a little (a lot of) work still (to which I would agree), but the mere fact that it’s occurring at all is nothing short of a miracle for me. Do you remember my post millions of years ago about being a closet compassionate? Well, I’m more prepared this year to unleash the beast. It isn’t happening overnight folks, but at least I’m being more intentional about embracing it than fighting it. You should be proud.

I think that pretty much sums it up as I watch people cringe with each tiny rain drop here in downtown L.A. Oh the poor tourist look like the apocalypse is coming (raining in L.A.?! That NEVER happens on TV!). All this to say, I’m a little nervous about 2010. Things are going to be a little uncomfortable for me (including perhaps a switch to proper capitalization on my blog), but I’m excited for the challenge. If I think of anything else worth saying before we are thrust into the new year … I’ll be sure to let you know. For now, I’m signing off and wishing you all the best! Ciao!

more growing pains

it's the day after christmas and i realize how much things have changed in the past few years.

it used to be a non-negotiable that i would be spending christmas eve with my grandparents and my father's side of the family and then spend christmas morning with my mom.

that is ... until last year. i experienced my first christmas eve and christmas morning away from my family. in my entire life.

i made it to kansas the week before christmas ... just long enough to see my grandma's incredible display of christmas goodness around her home, help my mom bake her famous peanut butter cups, catch a little whiff of frozen air and make my way back to l.a. in time to finish my thesis for grad school.

it was terrible. i felt like i was missing out on something important. i felt like things were finally changing in my life since moving to this great city. and it hurt. the loss of tradition, easily accessible family members and weather below 60 degrees at a time where people sing of white christmas' (and not in reference to smog). oh, and not to mention a friendly, "merry christmas" from store clerks. that's not allowed here ... you may offend someone.

this year was supposed to be spent back home again, but things didn't work out. so i decided this was my chance to bring the traditions from home that i love to my new home in california (which i realize after this week is more true than i've ever acknowledged. my home is becoming more indicative of l.a. than kansas these days and it's time to embrace it and begin blending the two).

i baked like there was no tomorrow for my friends and family here since they don't have the privilege of tasting my mom's christmas treats. i decorated the new home with vince in the best holiday decor i could muster in honor of my grandma's winter wonderland in kansas. and i said merry christmas to people in the store. not because i am forcing my beliefs on them or intentionally disrespecting them ... but because that's what it is ... christmas. just like other days that have been designated "national holidays." like fourth of july, new years day ... thanksgiving. and because it's important to me to remember who i am and where i came from.

and thanks to technology, i was able to open gifts with my family on christmas morning from vince's parent's house over web cam. :) this year was a great reminder that i'm growing up and starting a home and a family of my own ... and it doesn't have to be heart wrenching. it just takes a little chocolate, a nice tree, remembering what the celebration is all about and a web cam or two to make things just the way they were supposed to be.

so i sit the day after christmas enjoying what's left of my first "real" christmas tree and playing my last board game with vince (because i refuse to lose again) and smiling that this year was a success. here's to a new year of merging traditions and creating new ones!

dreamer

dreams are a tough thing. they suck you in ... they completely consume your thoughts and worst of all ... they require risks that make you really uncomfortable and usher every insecurity to the forefront of your being.

dreams, in theory, are freeing. they allude to 'what could be.' they give us space to imagine life as if we were created for something bigger.

but here's the thing with dreams ... they don't always come to be the way we planned. say we happen to muster the courage to actually pursue this abstract thing that we feel so strongly about and then nothing happens. then what? you keep plugging along right? because that's what people do when they believe this dream was meant for them. but then the plugging starts to seem so laborious ... useless. it feels like people who aren't as passionate or even as talented are getting the chance to do exactly what you set out to do (how many years ago now?). you start to lose your momentum ... energy ... hope.

and then it happens. someone contacts you out of nowhere and you have a chance to step into the moment you've been waiting for your entire life. except, now you're unprepared.

dreams are tricky like that. maybe that's what sets everyone a part ... there are people who will always get lucky ... even if they don't deserve it. majority of the population won't even take the first step because the first step is always the hardest and most risky. most of the people who do take the leap will quit right before their moment is presented. and the rest ... well ... they are usually the people who inspire us to dream bigger ... to believe that it's possible. and how did they do it? i'm not really sure because i'm not there yet ... but i have a feeling that they chose to believe in themselves enough to get them through all the road blocks along the way. and when they couldn't believe anymore ... they had someone else doing it for them until they got back on their feet.

dreams. they're messy and absolutely necessary for survival. and if you're lucky, you can con someone else into tagging slong with you. at least that's what i'm learning as i take one more step closer to purusing my own ...

integrate generosity

that's one of my goals for 2010 ... integrating generosity.

but where to begin? there's a lot of 'need' around me.

los angeles is filled with it, the places i love across the world are filled with it. and as images fill my mind, the weight of it all leaves me feeling helpless and completely financially drained without even swiping my debit card.

so i went to CNN to check the latest news and divert my attention (because integrating generosity was already overwhelming) and i found an article about teachers. it said they spend, on average, $500 out of pocket each year on classroom supplies.

that seemed wrong to me.

here in california, we're cutting education funding (because that's the best idea our educated government officials could come up with to solve our problem of irresponsible allocation of money).

which caused me to think of my good friend who teaches in one of the most 'underpriveledged' neighborhoods in l.a. if you ask me ... she's a saint who watches her kids live in gang-centered homes on government aid. one of many teachers who have to make sure their students get at least a breakfast bar before beginning class because they come hungry and can't concetrate. she's spending, on average, $500 a year to at least give them a chance.

so i decided i'd try and do what i could. i had big ideas ... like getting everything she could possibly need until i realized i couldn't realistically do that on my own. i wasn't getting very far and was actually feelnig pretty hopeless when a random friend sent me a message asking if she could help.

she posted a flier at her work listing the classroom's wishlist of supplies and snacks and within hours had it covered.

did you get that? covered.

i got a message today saying that donations were still pouring in and that she'd need to meet me this weekend to drop off the first load. ha! load. sure beats the package i had in mind ...

there is nothing more satisfying than knowing how far a little generosity goes. whether it's the time spent putting together the pacakges for each kid, the money to purchase supplies or the donations of an existing surplus ... it changes things. if not for the kids ... for the teacher who needed this one gesture to be reminded that there are people who support her and her efforts to bring hope.

so. 2010 will be full of big changes. but if the result is anything like what happened this week, i think it'll be worth it.

spiritual health

i heard that a lot when i was growing up ... "how is your walk with Jesus, Krysta?" "what has God been telling you lately, sister (from my southern baptist pastor)."

there was a lot of talk about spiritual health. not a lot of listening ... but it was certainly a common topic of conversation in the circles i ran with back home. and i've recently reopened that conversation with myself because i am no longer only responsible for myself. i will have a family in nearly four months that deserves to be healthy ... whole ...

i know i've talked about this a lot, but i've come to quite a cross roads.

i've spent three years trying to do what i didn't do well back home ... love people. which, if i were honest, has not gone as well as hoped because to really love people ... i've found that i need to love God first.

and in keeping with the theme of being honest, i'm not sure i wanted to love God. at least, not in the past few years in the way i had been trained to. wow. trained to. that's actually how i feel about my relationship with God in retrospect. either way ... God and i kind-of kept our distance. i wanted Him in a way that didn't look anything like how He was presented back in the day and i've become a bit emaciated in the process.

in short. i've come to see that God is necessary. that just loving people isn't enough and, arguable, isn't entirely possible without God because well ... there are a lot of really intollerable people out there who make loving very difficult. (especially when you have a low threshold for tolerance ... i know, i know ... working on that)

and i've also noticed that people are hurting. they're making really distructive decisions out of confusion and hopelessness. recently i've felt the world around me has been reflecting this crumbling effect that has been occuring for quite some time in my own soul. and i'm feeling partially responsible for not getting over my fear of being a robotic, judgemental christian and reinventing what a relationship with God looks like - if only for the sake of the people i've been trying so hard to love.

i have a feeling that ... at the end of the day ... people won't deny me friendship with them if i happen to say something about believing in God when they are looking for something ... anything ... to cling to.

first plan of attack: try caring less about proving to the world that christians don't have to be what you think they are (it has proven to be slightly canabalistic)

second: get real with myself and stop depriving my soul of the very thing that it needs to survive.

third: really. just do what i know is right ... for me. then it may not come as a such a shock when i talk about wanting a life that i'm not actively pursuing.

here's to a more balanced ... less anorexic spiritual diet.

turrets

i wear myself out.

to the point of undeniable exhaustion.

and often, i don't stop until i collapse.

this week has been one of those weeks (already). and all because i continue making the same mistakes over and over:

failing to filter thoughts in my at verbal communication and failure to deliver them appropriately.

it's pretty consistent, actually. and when something rubs me the wrong way, i lack both the discernment (a.k.a filter) when expressing my thoughts. oh, and that's another issue ... i, quite consistently, feel the need to express my thoughts.

you see. i haven't quite grasped that not everyone involved, holds the same passion for those points of contention as i. and while it's cute that people say, "you always know where you stand with krysta" or "you never have to guess what SHE'S thinking" it points more to my character flaw of pure ... selfishness.

the fact that it appears i care more about being heard (and let's be honest - being right) doesn't bode well for my future relationships (if i have any left post tirades). i'm well aware that this very turrets-like behavior is motivated by an insanely high level of insecurity and self-doubt. i'm also fully aware that my need to "speak up" derives from this inner fear that if i don't, i'll lose a part of who i am.

and that's the disappointing part. there is a piece of me that actually believes being less of a social catastrophy would mean stripping away my identity. and for someone who isn't quite sure who she is yet ... that's kind-of interesting.

my hope is that there will be a breaking point where i realize letting go of all these ridiculous fears is necessary for me to be a less irrational individual. until then ... approach with caution and patience.

conforming

i love branding.

i mean ... really love it.

and i don't write about it much because i have such strong feelings towards this particular art that words get jumbled into one incoherent mess ... kind-of like an awkward first interaction with the hottest girl/guy across the room (when you're so NOT the hottest girl/guy in the room).

i digress.

the point ... i think i'm going to start talking about it more ... if i can muster it. because branding sets you a part. it shows the world that you're unique. and the world needs more people like you to speak up ... to be yourself.

The reason they want you to fit in ... is that once you do, they can ignore you.
seth godin

officially unstuck

i quit my job.

not in the crazy - postal employee kind-of way where you storm out in a tantrum, slamming every door behind you.

although i'm sure that would have made for a great story, it seemed a bit too dramatic (even for me), so i gave significant notice. the only problem, is that i quit before lining something up for myself, which is one of two things: risky or stupid.

i convinced myself that my reasons are valid. my organization is entirely too stagnant, dysfunctional and bureaucratic to really actualize the potential lying beneath the surface. which no one would negate. not only am i completely justified in that reason, i look to be terribly self-aware in saying that i'm also terrified of becoming apathetic, immobile and resistent to change. again, all of which is true.

but this is also true: i'm scared and i'm being dishonest. both of which have been historically cyclical in my personal and professional decision making processes.

my fear of staying the same ... of not learning ... of not growing, forced me to take a leap of faith three years ago and move from kansas to l.a.

without a job lined up or a clear direction for what was next.

see a pattern?

i convinced myself (and most everyone else) that i was moving to pursue a master's degree with a non profit i had fallin in love with. i told my boss i would be leaving in order to pursue higher education ambitions ... and to change the world. i told my church i was off to serve in a greater capacity. and i told my family not to worry ... that i knew what i was doing.

here's the thing. i thought i had to have a reason. one that made everyone feel like i wasn't going off the deep end and sabotaging my life. i didn't want them to think i was being irresponsible or naive. but i was also hoping i would be a success story of how important taking risks are if we are ever to evolve.

the sad thing is ... there was really nothing profound about my move other than ... i did it and survived. the truth is, i didn't really need a reason to move, other than ... "i feel like experiencing something new."

my fear of what people would think led me to be dishonest with myself and everyone else ... in that situation and my in my current situation.

i'm bored. i need direction. i need a challenge. i want to live and work in l.a. i'm tired of commuting. i want to feel connected. and, yes, i'm annoyed with my organization. but mostly, this just isn't what i want to be doing with my life ... my career.

since that sounds less sexy and melodramatic, i opted for placing blame while i figured out a 'real' answer for my departure.

i told a mentor the other day that i'm afraid of being 'stuck' where i am. his response: "you're never stuck if you're good." and then it hit me ... the only thing standing in between reality and the reality i want is me. and i have to believe i am better than that.

so. here's to being real with yourself and pursuing the life you want ... even if it doesn't always make sense.

Just.Say.Yes.

So about 2 years ago there was this guy I saw across the way at a pool party. He was mysterious. He had this presence about him that instantly drew me to him. And I couldn't figure out how I was going to get some face time.

As I sat on the edge of the pool, feet dangling in the water with the other girls, I casually asked my friend who he was. She raved about how sweet this man of mystery was and how much she loved having him around.

Hm.

I'm a pretty forward girl. If I see something I want, I'm usually not afraid to ask for it. But this time, things were different.

I hid behind my sunglasses and pretended not to be watching his every move. I also pretended my placement both in the pool and later at the dinner table wasn't strategic in getting directly in his line of vision.

Here's something you need to know men ... we know you notice us. Why? Because we're smart enough to make sure you don't have any other options. It's a game we, as a species, have mastered. And we're proud of it.

When you pretend not to notice us, we abort mission and forget you even exist. When you notice us, pretend to be interested, and then don't ask us out ... we get nasty.

I digress.

This guy was incredible. He had a quiet confidence that actually made me a little weak in the knees. He made me feel comfortable in my own skin. He told me about his love for filmmaking, cooking and hosting people at his home. And to be honest, I had already chalked the day up to a huge success.

Why? Because for one full afternoon, I had kept his attention. And it was nice. But I had very low expectations for this to go beyond the allotted time of the party.

Until that fateful afternoon, no one had asked me out since I had moved to L.A. Did you catch that? No one. I was fresh meat that had already expired by that point. I was nearing my one-year anniversary of being an Angelina and another wave of hot, talented transplants had already infiltrated our city and into the line of vision of my prospects.

So you must imagine my surprise when he walked up to me at the end of the pool party and asked for my number and invited (or told) me to join him for dinner at his place the next weekend.

If I were given more time to think about it, I would probably have danced around the issue because ... well ... I didn't know how to accept an invitation. I didn't have much practice with that part. Usually, I hung out with people in a group long enough that everyone else just told you you were dating and that was it.

But he asked. And that was far more than anyone else had the balls to do. So I said, yes.

Men: Ask.Her.Out.
Women: Just.Say.Yes.

And like my friend Jason mentioned, this doesn't have to be 'the one.' Probably isn't. But how sucky would it be if you missed out on the possibility just because you chickened out?

So. This week ladies ... if a guy has the guts to ask you out and they're not a creeper ... just.say.yes.

Stop waiting for the douche bag with the cool hair and fancy clothes to approach you to ask for anything more than a pen to write the bimbo's number down who was in line before you. There's probably a guy across the way that notices you and is about to ask you to go on one of the best dates you've ever been on. And I think he deserves a chance.

Here's to the brave men out there who ask.her.out ... and the women who just.say.yes.

risky business

if you don't read seth godin's blog ... you should. he's brilliant. the marketing guru himself has been a staple in my daily blog readings for years. as of late, i haven't had the chance to read much of anything and decided to play a little blog roulette for one last bout of validation that some risky decisions i'm about to make are sane to those who i admire. thanks seth for reminding me that actual risks are what set a part those who actualize their potential and those who don't. from the man himself:

Apparent risk and actual risk

There are people who I will never encounter in a restaurant.

That's because when these people go out for dinner, they go to chain restaurants. These are the tourists in New York who seek out the familiar Olive Garden instead of walking down the street to Pure.

That's fine. It's a personal choice.

But it got me thinking about the difference between apparent and actual risk, and how that choice affects just about everything we do.

The concierge at a fancy hotel spends her time helping tourists and business travelers avoid apparent risk. She'll book the boring, defensible, consistent tour, not the crazy guy who's actually a trained architect and a dissident. She'll recommend the restaurant from Zagats, not from Chowhound.

Apparent risk is what keeps someone working at a big company, even if it's doing layoffs. It feels safer to stay there than to do the (apparently) insanely risky thing and start a new venture.

Apparent risk is what gets someone who is afraid of plane crashes to drive, even though driving is more dangerous.

Apparent risk is avoiding the chance that people will laugh at you and instead backing yourself into the very real possibility that you're going to become obsolete or irrelevant.

When things get interesting is when the apparently risky is demonstrably safer than the actually risky. That's when we sometimes become uncomfortable enough with our reliance on the apparent to focus on the actual. Think about that the next time they make you take off your shoes at the airport.

26

twenty six is an odd age. an age where you're supposed to know what you want to do when you grow up and be on the trajectory of accomplishing 'what you want to do when you grow up.' an age where the 30-somethings who have the job you want when you grow up won't give you the necessary responsibilities to move forward because you're 'still a kid.' not that i have experience with that or anything.

humph.

but it's also an age when ... at least for me ... some things have really begun to matter. like other people. like things other than getting to the corner office faster than you ... oh ... and being the youngest to get there.

twenty six to me has been profound for many reasons. but i think it all culminated with a proposal nearly six months ago that publicly stated i care about something ... someone ... else more than myself. and it was a week ago today, in my twenty sixth year, that i realized plans change. you don't always get what you want, what you've always dreamed of, what you hoped for in life. that sometimes life isn't fair nor does it often make sense.

at twenty six, i finally understand what it means to risk everything.

and at twenty six, one of my high school classmates knows what it's like to lose her husband and the father of their two-year-old daughter, who also happened to be in my graduating class, to a demented criminal set to ambush police officers in my hometown.

it is in this year that i realize nothing is for sure. that the dreams i have with vince are not guaranteed, but that i have a choice to risk it anyway ... in the event that everything does work out the way we imagined. i have a choice to live intentionally. to love passionately. and to risk freely. and suddenly, the corner office seems rather existential.

i don't know why this particular loss created such an emotional wake in my soul. maybe it's the fact that i can now imagine what it must be like to lose the man you love. to lose the dream that 'we' will raise a beautiful child and now accept that 'i' will. that 'we' will no longer paint the shingles, plan vacations, buy a new couch, but 'i' will go on to do those things without you. because apparently life goes on no matter what devastation it may bring your way.

maybe that's it.

either way ... it woke me up. it reminded me that i don't have time to cower to the what ifs and the selfish ambition to try so hard to do life by myself. it reminded me that you i can't always have an escape plan. it reminded me that i need community ... a real community that if ever 'we' became 'i,' i would not be alone. because whatever happens to us ... to me ... is their problem to.

and there is something very profound in that. not comforting. not warm and fuzzy. but very raw and freeing.

if anything, brian and sarah, your love for each other will forever resonate in my heart. it will serve as a reminder that today i have a choice to make each morning that i wake up. to either show up completely or hold back in fear of the unexpected that may (or may not) be lurking around the corner.

so. twenty six. for sarah, it will be the year that changed her life forever. the year that brought an unexplainable amount of pain and suffering that most people will never experience in their lifetime ... let alone in their mid twenties. and in that grief, this twenty-six-year-old will go on to say that she learned love is stronger than death ... which undoubtedly go on to be described as the catalyst that changed her life forever.

thank you both for living a compelling life. and sweet natalie, carry on your parent's legacy of faith, hope and love ... it's a story worth living.

irrational season

From "The Irrational Season" by Madeleine L'Engle

But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take…It is indeed a fearful gamble…Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.

To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take…If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation…It takes a lifetime to learn another person…When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.

community

alice [my roommate] and i had a good conversation last week about being intentional in regards to community.

it's interesting that one of the more noticeable things i miss about kansas is how easy community seems to come. i suppose if i look back with a more realistic lens i would say there were many periods that community didn't come as easy as i'm remembering. but now that i know how accessible/available it was in comparison to my life in l.a. ... i kind-of wish i could go back and change things.

i wish i would have developed habits of spending time with people more consistently (outside of work, school and church). i wish i wouldn't have been so concerned about money and the $3 i would 'lose' by going to a local coffee shop with friends a few times a week ... or (God-forbid) a movie or dinner with the girls.

what alice and i kept coming back to is that community requires sacrifice. back home, i was too selective. i only wanted community with a certain group of people (and they all happened to be cheap as well, so it worked out nicely). but i could have had more meaningful relationships if i tried harder.

now, my vice is time and the dreaded routine. i pride myself in being fairly unpredictable. yet, a routine may just be the thing i need in order to feel more connected.

the people in my building who have dogs know each other. they pick up their dog's poo together over good conversation and coffee in the park because their dogs require a routine that brings them together ... to pick up poo ... daily.

there are coffee shops where i make an occasional appearance where people seem to know each other because that's where they spend time each morning.

but dogs and coffee runs require commitment. and i'd rather believe that community was easier in kansas than admit that it has never been easy for me because i never really made it a priority.

kind-of a mood changer to realize i expect others to go out of their way to invite me into their lives when i haven't made significant efforts to create space for them in mine.

brief thoughts on duvall incident

this is what i find most disturbing about duvall's exposed sexual escapades this week.

the gentleman he was offering illicit information to (regarding his grossly unethical behavior with female lobbyists) didn't seem at all phased by his crude acts.

here we have a man with a wife, kids and a civic responsibility to engage in political activity that follows an ethical process, telling another man (with pride) that he is having these little escapades with female lobbyists. yet, the gentleman doesn't once ask, "dude ... you have a wife. what the hell are you doing whoring around? furthermore, what are you thinking pulling this kind of activity into our organization? do you seriously think that i find your behavior appropriate? do you honestly believe this information will make me respect you more? for the love man. get a life. in the meantime, i'm reporting you for being an embarrassment to this assembly. "

well. apparently that conversation never occurred to mr. duvall's bff in the assembly. because he just sat there. probably astounded, curious, and impressed that this aged, fat, unattractive individual could score any action from someone who hadn't previously vowed (prior to finding out how big of a douche bag he'd become) to lay next to him for the rest of his life.

i think we can all agree mr. duvall is in the wrong.

but my bigger fear is that we're not concerned about his little buddy that didn't seem to question his activity in the first place. i think that's terrifying. really terrifying. and if you don't feel the same ... then i guess the problem is much larger than the california legislator's office.

little ponds v. vast oceans

things have been insane lately. and by lately i mean since approximately the last weekend of july.

nonstop. draining. completely invasive of my valuable spare time. all out ... madness.

and, usually, i wouldn't have it any other way.

i mean, let's face it. when i get bored ... things just get ugly. i find it much easier to doubt my self worth when i'm not contributing to the DGP in an substantial way. and i find motivation difficult without having to multi-task 'important' details of my career and social life.

but when vince and i took a little trip to tennessee last weekend on a complete whim, i realized how worn out i've become.

in general.

i'm not sure if it was the fresh air, open roads, southern hospitality or the exciting thunderstorms we made our way through ... but something about that place made my soul at ease.

things were busy but not overwhelming. there seemed to be a rhythm to how things operated that echoed what humans should be able to thrive within. and i liked it.

i'm not sure if i'd last there for long before getting the itch to move to another big city, but it got me thinking.

maybe people here [l.a.] try to hard. i mean, i love l.a., don't get me wrong. but there is something that just doesn't seem quite right about the way things have been lately. and it made me wonder if there is more to life ... if maybe there is a happy medium. a place where all the people who have traveled the world and did their time in big cities go to live. can you imagine? a place where sojourners and adventurers and thinkers and artists go to breathe when they're content with what they've experienced.

i just wonder if there's a happy medium. that's all. and maybe that happy medium only exists in the intangible depths of your soul ... when you can make any place a place where you find peace. who knows. i'm starting to think it's a part of 'growing up' ... that weird time bomb inside my body that says it's about that time to settle down and take it easy instead of wearing the weight of the world on your shoulders and questing to 'save the planet.'

i hate that i'm even saying i may like to throw in the towel and start living a more simple life because it doesn't seem to sit right. but i do know that things are changing for me ... and i'm seeing the value in less being more. and that ... well ... that could lead to an entirely new outlook on the trajectory of this little life of mine i've been trying to strategically plan for so long.

just say something

i was reminded yesterday why it's so important that i devote time and energy into mastering the art of authentic communication.

when i first started my job at chapman, a particular woman on my team took me under her wing and guided me through some uneasy situations that were occurring in our workplace.

we ate pastrami sandwiches for lunch and talked about family, what life was like for her 'back in the day' when she was a student at this university and what we felt about our jobs.

we looked out for each other because our relationship was more than just an 8-5 kind-of relationship.

she became a friend ... someone i could trust to tell me the truth.

but then her relationship with someone who was less than kind to me made me feel unsafe. insecure. and while it sound childish, i was threatened by their positions in the organization and didn't feel that i was needed anymore.

my posture changed.

and i stopped pursuing the relationship for fear that, just by association, she had become like her new friend.

and i wasn't until yesterday ... more than a year later ... working within hundreds of feet of one another ... that she confronted me.

she was hurt and i was shocked.

and it was in that moment that i realized the combination of my own insecurities, built-in mechanism for assuming the worst and lack of relational intelligence had - in a split second decision over a year ago - damaged a relationship.

so today, i walk with a mission:

to have the hard conversations that are necessary for healthy relationships with the people around me. to speak up and ask the right questions before making assumption. and to stop caring so much about what other people think of me that it hurts the people i care about most.

amazing how difficult we make communicating.

greatness

i heard a song on my way into work by the fray.

when i heard the song, i jumped to a moment a few months back when someone said at a band rehearsal, "i used to sing with the fray when they were just a local band back in colorado."

which then led me down a quick path of remembering how annoyed i get with name dropping. which then led me down a path of the countless number of times i've done the same thing ...

which then caused me to think, "why do we do that? why do we feel that being associated with recognizable people makes us cooler? are we really that desperate?"

and then it occurred to me: people are attracted to talent. people are also attracted to fame ... no question. but more often than not ... i think people are genuinely attracted to greatness.

it happens with music a lot. because music moves people. and for most women ... musicians seem to take on this irresistible quality that, had they just been a passerby on the street, would not warrant a second glance, let alone our bras, fanatic tears and screams (don't judge ... i've never thrown a bra on stage, but i've seen it happen. and when i was a teenager, i certainly had my fair share of crying and screaming at more than one teeny bopper boy band appearance. again. don't judge. you know you did it too.) but it also happens with film, business, medicine, academe, firefighters, humanitarians ...

and that's how my mind works. in less than 2 minutes, my mind was able to process the first two bars of a song, that then triggered a walk down memory lane, that then led to irritation, that then led to self-reflection and an ultimate conclusion about humanity that i think is at least worth blogging about.

greatness.

we want to be associated with those who have seemed to mastered the art because deep down ... we know that we are capable of it too. and maybe, just maybe, if we spent enough time around those who have been able to exercise their greatness ... it'll unleash ours in the process.

view

i've heard that what you see depends on where you sit.

that couldn't be more true for my spiritual journey.

what i saw from my comfy, predictable life in my hometown ... where everything and everyone i knew was within a 12 mile radius ... was a God who cared deeply for me. a God that was passionate about the local church and sunday services. a God that really enjoyed showing up to our church because, let's face it, we had the best music in the city and most hip, young preacher at our innovative post-modern service.

from where i sat ... God really loved me and created me to do something special for humanity. but the closer i seemed to get to Him, the more disenchanted i became with the place i had grown to know Him. it seemed so ... not-the-only-part-of-the-equation. something was missing. i just had no idea that spending more time with Him would actually place me in a different seat that would inevitably cause me to see Him in a completely different way than when i had before.

i'm not going to pretend that i've been spending a lot of time with God. because i haven't. and it's not because i don't want to ... it's just that i'm not really sure how anymore. which i've said before ... but i still think these things take time. you know ... the change paradigms.

i'm not into the idea that burying myself in the bible is going to bring the hope to humanity that Christ intended. i mean, Jesus didn't have the bible. and neither did the disciples (not sure if they were literate anyway ... which brings up a good point ... how do all the illiterate people of the world "draw near" to God?). i digress. per usual.

the point is ... i'm thinking that perhaps we're supposed to be the story of God in the present. erwin talked about this at mosaic this weekend in reference to one of our core values: mission is why the church exists. some of these comments of his got be thinking:

sometimes we underestimate what God can do for us as humans (in regards to spending so much of our spiritual journey talking about the 'after life').

when you're with Jesus, your world gets much bigger.

i don't think they [disciples] expected to care about the world.

my prayer is that i will be so connected to you that it will be easy to connect others to you. that that connection will connect us to humanity and their needs.

forgive us for replacing your presence with presentations ... intimacy with techniques.

so this is where i am. with my world being much bigger than when everything i knew was within a short drive (or walk). when everything i knew about God was housed in a church building and select christian sub-culture conferences.

i'm not saying that my world is bigger because i'm with Jesus ... although perhaps that's what has happened i just haven't quite given Him the credit yet. but i am saying that what i was hearing from Him before i moved here was that the world was much bigger than what i knew. and what i've seen and continue to experience on a daily basis requires more of me than nights alone with my bible, trendy worship services (that i won't lie ... i still have an affinity for) and small groups that meet to talk about how we can reach "them."

from where i sit ... my world needs me to show up. because, so long as i'm connected to a God who cares about humanity ... my life will be the way they know He exists. now if i could only find a way that feels most natural to me from this seat to connect ...

it's happening

it has been nearly four months since vince and i became the engaged couple that we are. you'd think that the proposal weekend, the new house and the wedding planning would usher a collective sense of, "i'm going to be a bride."

but it hasn't. at least ... not really.

until this weekend.

at our engagement party, both family and friends spoke of our love from their varying vantage points. there were tears, laughs and moments of complete and utter awkwardness for vince and i as we waited in the silence between 'speeches.'

the unexpected showering of words made me feel exposed. naked. i was reminded in that moment that people are watching us. and who we are together will either spark a sense of hope and genuine love or, at the very least, only remind them of all the relationships they have witnessed to date.

something that was repeated multiple times in the speeches of our friends and family was, "i hope to some day have the love that you have." and with each repetition of that phrase, slight flashbacks of times when i thought the same thing of my friends who had found love raced through my mind.

and i realized ... i'm the bride this time.

the following day was spent looking for 'the dress' with a two of my bridesmaids and my mom. as i stepped out of the dressing room and onto the 'pedestal' in front of the giant mirror, i couldn't seem to communicate to my brain that this was actually happening. my friend sarah was far more enthusiastic about the experience than i until i stepped out for the last time in a dress i felt represented me and all my confused wonder.

i smiled and hopped onto the pedestal and watched as the girls snapped their cameras furiously. no tears, no drama, no gasps ... just a collective agreement that this dress made me look like a girl who was about to walk down the isle.

the experience wasn't what i always thought it would be. and that's probably because it was so surreal (and, honestly, a bit overwhelming). by the time i had gotten to the final dress, i wanted to walk out of the store with it and check it off my 'wedding to-do list.' but more than anything ... i just wanted vince to be there. i wanted to share the experience with him. i wanted him to tell me what he thought of the gowns. and i wanted to pick the one that made his face light up ... because that's all i care about.

so when we all went back to the new house later that night, nothing made me happier than to open the gifts we received from our party the night before ... with him.

i realized (in between the cards and wrapping paper) that this whole wedding thing doesn't interest me near as much as being with the guy who started this circus with a simple little question a few months ago. ;) and i think i'd be more than happy to forgo my chance at a big white gown and all that comes with it, if it meant that i could go home to vince tonight, have a nice dinner, watch a movie, fall asleep on the couch and start our lives tomorrow morning.

childhood dreams :: interview with tanner

[note: for those of you who don't know my brother, tanner, he is a 24-year-old imagineer for walt disney. his dream, since i can remember, has been to design rides for theme parks (which i've learned is different from rides built for amusement parks). his dedication has both inspired and irritated me. his ability to be technical and creative simultaneously confused me. but as i watch him create moments for others to experience joy - even if it's just for a few minutes strapped to the seat of a roller coaster - i am reminded that this is what it looks like to see someone else living the life they were meant to live. and for this, i am annoyed by his brilliance. so without further ado ... i introduce tanner ... undoubtedly one of the most intelligent and focused individuals i know]

interview:
K: What is your first memory of loving the process of creating rides? Do you remember how your passion evolved?
T: In 4th or 5th grade, my best friend Keith Mehner and I drew a layout of an imaginary roller coaster. He liked NASA and I liked roller coasters, so the roller coaster was themed like a space mission with a shuttle as the ride vehicle. The coaster had a launch at the beginning, a slingshot around a planet, and even a portion where it jumped the track to hop over an asteroid. Who knows what else was on that drawing, but it was the first time I remember role-playing as if it was a real job to design rides. I loved that it had a theme (that the roller coaster elements went through motions to represent events in the story), and I love that I did the drawing with a friend (I have always found more energy and creativity in coming up with ideas as a team). The passion for roller coaster design evolved into a passion for rides, and then for theme park attractions in general. I learned about how stories were the foundation of theme park attractions, and how a ride or show can deliver a message or tap into emotions.

K: How does dreaming about your 'dream job' look now that you have the one you've imagined for so long?
T: Reaching my dream job (or at least my dream workplace) quickly forced me to step back and re-evaluate my core dream. What about this job did I dream so much about? Am I really doing what I dreamed about now that I'm here? I find that no matter where I am, I continue dreaming about a more specific vision. It took a big vision to get me here, and now I dream in more specific and focused visions.

K: What has been most rewarding or even exciting for you ... the pursuit or the actual life within the dream?
T: The season you are NOT in always seems to be more rewarding. When I was pursuing, it felt like the job would be more rewarding than the chasing. Now, I look back and daydream about memories of the pursuit. But there is no doubt that the actual life is just as rewarding. It is very exciting to be able to ride around in a vehicle and suddenly flash back to a time when I saw pictures of Imagineers testing vehicles and dreamed about this day; or to walk through the empty Magic Kingdom at night and flashback to a time when I dreamed about roaming through the parks on vacation. Reaching a milestone in the career dream gives you the chance to enjoy the memories AND enjoy creating new visions.

a side note from tanner ... must read! :)

An attempt at a summary...
I'll try an analogy that may be helpful... I think chasing a career dream is a bit like seeing a beautiful, exotic car pass by and running after it. You chase it because it looks cool, and if it's fairly exclusive, you probably won't have another chance for it to come around again. You run hard enough to catch up with it and you jump in. It's an immediate change. It's a bit more relaxing because all of a sudden you don't have to run anymore. Things slow down for a minute. You enjoy it. Then, after a minute, you realize that in all your time chasing a good-looking car you didn't spend much time thinking where it was heading or where it would take you if you got in. So, now you are in the car. You start thinking about the interior of the car that you've never seen and wondering if it's nice enough inside to stay for a long ride. You look around and wonder if you'll get along with the other people in the car with you. You have to figure out where you hope the car will go now and how you can get the others in the car on-board with that vision. You're not in this on your own anymore. It involves more relationships now and more politics. And from the inside, it takes energy to remember what was so good-looking about the car when you were chasing it. But that doesn't take away from the reward of being inside and on your way to exciting new places.


thanks to tanner for his example of living within your dreams and how to keep moving forward.

i'm back ... sort of ...

i haven't been writing consistently for one major reason: i've had far too many things preoccupying my time (and mind) to spend any extra effort over analyzing my life and plunging myself into the dark pits of angst over this thing or that.

i know you're disappointed since this blog has probably been such a source of daily inspiration to you. (note extreme sarcasm)

and instead of boring you with daily workplace drama or business tid-bits that i've come to realize aren't as universally tantalizing as i would hope (mainly in order to justify my own enthusiasm for such topics), i'm going to begin another 'series.'

(can you tell i've had entirely too much caffeine today already?? note my poor grammar, most notably the run-on sentences)

i digress.

this new series, inspired by a lovely little tune playing in my local starbucks this morning, will be about dreams. childhood dreams specifically ... and how they never really die.

i'll be introducing you to my grandpa krenzer, my mother, my brother tanner, and a host of other people who remind me that maybe there really is something to our childlike ambitions. maybe ... just maybe ... they're worth revisiting for a chance to reconnect with who we were meant to be ...

meetings

a few thoughts on meetings/business from "death by meetings," by patrick lencioni:

why we go into business:
to engage in discussions where you can use your analytical skills, your experience, and your intuition to solve a big problem.

common issue:
we get so off track with what's going to happen next quarter or next year that we don't really come to any conclusions about what we should be doing next week. or even tomorrow, for that matter!

thank you mr. lencioni. these two comments alone reminded of me of why i'm passionate about my job and why it infuriates me to be here. good reminder that it's my responsibility to create spaces conducive to real growth and movement in an organizational setting.

morning text

i have a sore throat. which progressively worsened from 3 p.m. yesterday to the time i woke up this morning.

i realized that kissing vince until i'm better wouldn't be an option because neither of us can afford to miss work right now. which then sent me down the path of hysterics.

my mind automatically jumped to outbreak. remember that movie? and i started playing out my morbid death while (not-so-ironically) my throat began to hurt even worse.

in a cold sweat, i texted vince:

me: if i were quarantined, like in outbreak, would you get in the plastic bubble with me or stay outside?

vince: i'd get in! i love bubbles. haha

that's why i'm marrying this man.

invincible

i just found out today (on facebook no less) that a guy i used to play in a band with was found dead in his home this morning.

usually hearing about deaths brings up the conversation that life is short. that we should seize the day. that you never know when your last breath will be.

which is all true, but not super fitting of my feelings right now.

right now i feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. confusion. and, not gonna lie, a little bit of fear.

guilt because i shouldn't have lost contact with him when i knew things had a tendency to get dicy in his life. sometimes it's just easier to pull the distance card and settle for a few facebook chats here and there in exchange for a real conversation beyond superficiality.

confusion as to how it got to this point when things seemed to going better for him ... no thanks to those of us who abandoned him when things got a little sketchy and complicated.

and fear because ... well ... this reminds me of how much i try to hide from in order to keep things less messy in my life. it reminds me that i avoid the difficult conversations with people i care about in order to maintain my existing approval rate. it reminds me that sometimes you have to choose to love people no matter how it seems.

because right now ... i'd rather he had known people were willing to fight for him than to have ended this alone.

for those of you who DID choose to stand by him and love him ... thank you for keeping him around long enough for me to have experienced some of his best moments.

who you are

a lot has been happening lately ...

but what i've noticed is that i'm more energized.

that's the beauty of having the opportunity to exercise your talents and show people what you're capable of.

you just feel more alive. awake, seemingly for the first time in months ... perhaps years.

i wonder how much different the world would be if we were all given a chance to be who we were created to be?

dear los angeles ...

at first glance you weren't as welcoming as i'd hoped. i guess i imagined you to be more like your more sophisticated brother, new york.

but you just aren't. you're dirty. noisy. busy. fully of cars. and traffic. and ... millions of pretentious film students.

when i first met you, i swore i would never revisit you messy awesomeness and most certainly would check you off the list of places to live.

i was wrong. and i'm sorry.

when i came crawling back to you a little more than three years ago (remember that? my utter desperation? my sense of hope? my willingness to give you another chance because ... let's be honest ... you were my only option for a change of scenery?), i found a place that made my heart flutter.

i think you know what i'm talking about. there is this night club in the center of your city that has been the catalyst for transformation to people all over the world ... including myself.

out of it pours the music of people who have a story to tell. the melody sweeps through the empty streets of downtown and into the souls of the broken.

songs that have been carried to forgotten lands starving for hope ... for something to believe in.

these songs have become letters. letters to be addressed to the people of your city, but ones that we've come to find resonate with all of humanity.

this nightclub is where a group of people gather to listen to what you are trying to say and meets with the sole purpose of having a meaningful conversation back.

this nightclub is the hub of a movement. a place where nearly every corner of the world is represented. and those representatives, myself included, spend only a few months breathing in your smog, fighting the traffic and calling your people our family before we're calling ourselves angelinos.

so, los angeles. i'm here to tell you that i get it now. i get that you were trying to tell me something all along ... that there is much more to you than what meets the eye. and i want you to know that i'm here to stay.

dear los angeles ...

at first glance you weren't as welcoming as i'd hoped. i guess i imagined you to be more like your more sophisticated brother, new york.

but you just aren't. you're dirty. noisy. busy. full of cars. and traffic. and ... millions of pretentious film students.

when i first met you, i swore i would never revisit your messy awesomeness and most certainly would check you off the list of places to live.

i was wrong. and i'm sorry.

[but just for the record, can we both admit you don't have a the best track record for first impressions? great. thanks]

when i came crawling back to you a little more than three years ago (remember how desperate i was? how hopeful? how willing i was to give you another chance because you were my only lead at a new life?), i found a place that made my heart beat faster than i ever knew possible.

a cup of sugar

i borrowed a cup of sugar from a neighbor friday. actually, it was a half cup of sugar, but that's really beside the point.

i'm not sure what was more startling ... the fact that i was baking on my day off, or the fact that i stepped into one of the biggest cliches in the book.

i always wondered what it would be like to be able to borrow a literal cup of sugar from a neighbor. in my entire 23 years of living in kansas, i never did it. perhaps a lawnmower or vacuum, but never a cup of sugar. and those exchanges never really got me past the front (or garage) door. but at least i knew i could ask without feeling awkward or intrusive.

this situation however, called for desperate measures. (ha ... measures ... get it?! ... ok)

as i was pouring all the ingredients into my mixing bowl, i began feeling a little overwhelmed that my ipod dock seemed to be in a full on battle with the noise coming from the busy los angeles street below my loft. and within minutes, i felt like my day off was being invaded by noise and clutter that i hadn't invited. my simple and unassuming task of baking a batch of cupcakes for a fourth of july party now became a full blown mental marathon. i started whisking in anger and sadness that not one ounce of quietness or a friendly exchange had been a part of my day.

until ... i realized i was a half cup of sugar short of making this a worth-while endeavor.

i panicked.

and then i remembered seeing a neighbor pulling into the parking garage the same time i did a few hours earlier and thought, "maybe she has sugar."

so i texted her and asked if i could borrow a cup of sugar.

she said, "come on down!"

with a nerdish grin as if i had just been chosen to be on the price is right, i grabbed my measuring cup and heading down the elevator. she was on the phone when i got there so we exchanged smiles and mouthed a few words to each other as she listened to the person on the other end of her blue tooth. when she handed back the measuring cup, she mouthed, "are you sure that's all you need?" and i mouthed, "yep. that's great! thank you (with overly animated facial expressions)." we hugged and i headed back to the elevator.

when i got on the elevator, three other people were inside already and i found myself spewing the words (with surprising glee), "i borrowed a cup of sugar from a neighbor!!"

the couple in the elevator just looked at each other like they shared a mutual feeling of my insanity and the other girl just smiled. when the couple left, the girl next to me said, "you actually know someone in this building that you can borrow sugar from? it sounds like such a cliche."

and while i said, "yes," with a proud smile on my face, a part of me actually felt bad that i practically live on top of hundreds of other people who are craving someone to know in case they need something ... whether it's a cup of sugar or just a friendly chat over a cup of coffee ... that i turned around and said, "my name is krysta. i live in apartment 413 if you ever need to borrow anything."

[note: sometimes (a lot of times) the things in my head are so real that i actually thing they happened. such is the case with what i said after saying "yes." i'm really hoping i told her my name and apartment number, but because i'm not super quick on my feet and the elevator door was closing on us ... i'm willing to bet that i didn't. which brings me to the life lesson here ...]

i don't know if i'll ever see her again, but there are three things i learned from that very brief exchange.

1. we all need community. all of us.
2. i need to be far more intentional about creating space to connect with the people around me.
3. i need to stock up on sugar ... you know ... just in case.

the end ... the beginning

i've said before that i kind-of feel like i'm in limbo. i think i said it in the months between giving my resignation and packing up for california. i think i've said it for my entire (almost) three years of living in california. and i say it now as a newly engaged person waiting to take on my new ... and oh-so-intimidating ... role of mrs. vincent masciale.

eek.

with certainty, i am struggling to say good bye to the old me. the me that dreamed of finding 'mr. right' and wondered (with shocking regularity) what it would be like to have someone actually make a commitment to spending the rest of their life with me. and to be perfectly honest ... that loss of hopeful anxiety for a future partner and dreaming big dreams as to what that life would look like (mostly because i knew it wasn't happening anytime soon) is really sad.

there was a time when life was about dreaming big, hollywood esque dreams. mainly because the chances of them happening were so slim. i mean, i had kind-of become accustomed to making romantic wish lists and never checking anything off.

until i made a move ... literally.

and now i'm checking things off one-by-one. and my list is getting smaller and more intimidating.

i keep thinking, "is this it? is this the end of my hopeful anxiety of this fairy tale life? is this the end of the girl-talks with friends at impromptu sleepovers?"

and then i slap myself and say, "woe is me for having a fiance and a life that even i drool over." i mean really. here i am crying over the pending death of krysta rinke all because i'm afraid that krysta masciale might not have as much to look forward to. i keep wondering if krysta masciale will do what krysta rinke is doing right now five years from now ... remembering the good ole days when things were so fresh and new and hopeful? or will she end up losing herself in a new name, piles of laundry and diapers?

the truth is. i don't know the answer to the future. but i know that i have to stop fearing that i'll become the wife and possibly mother that somewhere along the way stopped dreaming and hoping for a life of romance and adventure. and perhaps, be more concerned with the steps i'm taking now to loosen the reigns and allow God to turn my life upside down, yet again. because in all reality, where i am today started with one leap of faith that led me to the life i dreamed about five years ago in my apartment in kansas.

who would have thought it would all come true? heh. more shocking ... who would have thought i'd be scared to step into the life of my dreams after so many years of wishing they'd come true? i guess it's time to start a new list ...

secret to making new friends ...

have a common interest.

i've been trying to become friends with certain people my entire life. you know, the 'untouchables.' i don't know if i liked the challenge or was just trying to validate my own existence by begging people into adding me to their buddy list. either way, it's obvious why i failed ... over and over again.

i never really had anything in common with those people. other than perhaps, that we went to the same school. or church. or had a class together (in elementary school). and i find myself running into a similar problem as a grown adult.

but here's what i had the privilege of observing this weekend at a campsite nestled perfectly in the middle of a pine-tree infested mountainside:

our camping friends like to go bouldering. if you don't know what that means, it's ok. neither did i. it means you climb a boulder ... with your bare hands. pretty incredible once you realize how difficult it actually is. anyway, they had stumbled upon a boulder that seemed to be all the rave with the other 'boulder climbing' folk. we had been there alone for a while, but then a few more people started to make there way to this lone rock. before i know it, they were exchanging stories, discovering common connections and experiences, laughing and cheering each other on as they worked together to conquer this giant rock. they had their own language. their own way of identifying with each other as fellow climbers.

they seemed to all be members of the same tribe without having ever met each other.

i used to see it with harley riders when i went out with my dad and grandpa on their bikes. there was a hand signal flashed whenever you'd pass another hog owner. i picked it up pretty fast and instantly felt i had been accepted into the tribe-o-riders. i feel it every time i meet someone here in l.a. from kansas (or any neighboring state other than nebraska). i feel it every time i see someone wearing my alma mater's gear. but here's the trick ...

what you have in common actually has to mean something to you ... it has to be a part of who you are ... or else it doesn't last.

when we walked away from the boulder and headed down the dirt road, my friend ryan said, "i hope i can be like that guy some day. he has lived everywhere that i either want to live or have lived, he is totally in shape and has to be like 45 or 50 and such a good climber ... he was so cool."

the guy wouldn't have made such an impression if ryan didn't care as much about adventure sports as he does. he wouldn't have made such an impression if ryan wasn't already on the path to becoming the kind of climber/adventurer/globe trotter that this guy was. and that's perhaps the greatest secret of all: you'll never be something you're not. and when you realize that ... trying to fit in with the boulder-climbing, camping junkies (when really, you just like being outside and eating hobo stew under the stars) becomes less about trying so hard and more about appreciating the ties that bind us ... whatever your poison may be.

[thanks to ruthi, ryan and the oceans for letting us step into your world of adventure. it was so refreshing]

it commences

wedding freak-out mode commenced this afternoon as i read through our venue contract.

i feel like my signature on this document is asking for more than the marriage itself. it's so unwavering. i mean, what if i decide i want to have the wedding elsewhere in 5 months (which can't really happen because nothing is as cheap as this and we all know i'm a tight wad). nonetheless, there is something about the never getting my deposit back that really makes me nervous.

i don't like that something could happen to the venue and i wouldn't be able to get my money back. i don't like that i can't control the conditions surrounding one of the most important days of my life.

i don't like not being in control. period. there ... i said it.

and this contract is just another reminder that i can't control everything. that i need to learn how to roll with the punches. and that sometimes trying too hard to be in control gets in the way of the things that really matter.

you know, like being with the people who love vince and i as we commit our lives to one another ... for as long as we live. little things like that.

by the way ... you tell me if i should be freaking out with a future husband as adorable as this and a venue as glorious as the one below. [virtual slaps welcome]

phases

this is simply a continuation of the conversation i've been having on this blog for months. all the question i've been mulling over regarding spirituality, expectations, where my life is headed, growing up, etc ... are starting to boil down to a few things.

1. who am i ... really?
2. what was i created to do?
3. where do i go from here to create the life i was made for?

vince and i were invited to be a part of a leadership experience at mosaic for the next 7 weeks. last night was our first 'experience' at it left me dumbfounded. i'm still reeling from a few questions that were posed last night in our leadership discussion:

when was the moment when you realized, "if i don't do it ... no one else will?" where you said, "i HAVE to do this."

uh.

i thought about that for a while, hoping i didn't have to speak first in my group. and by the time it was my turn, i still didn't really have an answer ... so i kind-of picked the first thing that came to my mind. actually, that's a lie. i picked the second thing that came to my mind ... because the first thing was in the context of the church leadership, and i thought that would come across as a typical 'Sunday School' answer.

but if i'm honest. the last time i really felt like i was supposed to do something ... the last time i thought, "i HAVE to do this" was when i was en route to L.A. since then, i've been hopping from one project to the next trying to find my place.

we busted out the Bible last night (been a while since i've done that) and some really cool things came out that made me look at my 'leadership funk' in a new way. we talked about how the scriptures assume we have zeal, it just wants to make sure we're informed ... moving forward with knowledge ... channeling our passion appropriately. one comment hank made was, "if i blaze my sword, i better know what i'm swinging at and why."

that stuck with me.

because i'm really good at blazing my sword in hopes of hitting ANYTHING worth fighting for. and let me tell you ... i've found a lot of things worth fighting for since i came to l.a. ... but nothing that i'm willing to do on my own. which brings me to the final point from last night that has been ringing in my brain for nearly 24 hours:

people only follow people they know will do it without them.

so, for now, i'm trying to get back to the basics (per usual). i'm trying to remember the moments when people believed in me (whether it was just this weekend during a conversation with my incredible fiance or 20 years ago at church camp) ... because those moments will inevitably direct me towards that thing that i just can't walk away from.

in the meantime, there are a handful of people in my life who need to know that they are capable of greatness. and i think, for now, it's my job to make sure they know that. who knows, i may be the only person that will ever tell them.

honky tonk

let this be an enormous disclaimer: i'm not technically a country girl. i didn't grow up on a farm. i didn't own horses ... for long. and the closest i came to really living the life of 'country folk' was my few year stint in elementary school where i not only tried my hand at barrel racing, but also (along with my brother) became adorned in premium western wear. red ropers and belt buckles included. yes. there are photos for proof (which you will never see). but that doesn't make me 'country' and i am fully aware of that as i write this.

i have to say, however, that since i moved to l.a., i have more frequent daydreams about 'country life' than i do about 'city life.' could be the grass is greener complex since the opposite was true back in the days of starry nights, dirt roads and endless fields. and, as i rode the train today ... passing field of buildings and smog ... i listened to all the country music i had allowed myself to put on my iPhone (i think there were three songs total - because iPhone and country music doesn't seem synonymous.)

anyway, it made me smile. it reminded me of my grandma's country music star quizzes in the car.

[radio playing hit country music]
grandma: alright kids ... who is this?
krysta: dolly parton.

[radio plays another hit country song]
grandma: who's this?
krysta/tanner [droning]: randy travis ...

those were fun times. when i memorized every single word to the garth brooks song, "american honky tonk bar association" because it's the closest thing to rap music i had heard. and i'll have you know, it was dang cool to be able to sing that song all the way through without skipping a beat. ladies and gentlemen, i went to his concert twice in one week when i was in high school. reba mcentire was my first CD purchase. fancy ... dang good song (as good as songs about mothers sending their daughters off to be prostitutes can be).

more than anything though, it reminded me of times when things were simple. because i was, well, a kid. and for some reason ... today ... i missed being a kid. red ropers and all.

dear self ...

i was reading through my journal from elementary school and part of middle school this morning. you know, just to add a bit of comic relief to my morning routine. and with my morning cup of joe and fro in tow ... i have this to say to my prepubescent self:

dearest prepubescent krysta,

i know you feel like your hair is a wild beast that lacks the desire and capabilities of being tamed. and i know the combination of your giant fro, lanky purple legs, small chest and gangly front teeth make you feel a bit awkward and insecure.

but let me say this. one day in high school ... you will discover that your curls can be managed with an appropriate amount of gel. it won't look perfect, but people will eventually stop referring to you as frizzo. you will still spend countless hours trying to straighten your hair with a blow dryer and giant round brush every-so-often, but it'll look much better because you will have also discovered palmade .

when you get to college, you are introduced to a flat iron, that you will claim to have saved your self-esteem as you know it. it makes your hair look like everyone else's who secretly wish they had your natural curls to provide volume that you try so desperately to rid yourself of. your boyfriends and superficial friends will compliment you every time your hair is straight, so you keep doing it ... slaving away to keep frizzo at bay.

but dearest krysta, one day ... when you least expect it (and when you haven't actually taken the time to burn the crap out of your hair that morning), a guy named vince will ask if he can bring you some home made food. you will say yes, knowing that this giant mop that most people call hair can not be dealt with before his arrival. so you make a small disclaimer about the frizzy monstrosity and wait until he arrives. and krysta ... from that day forward, he will ask you why you don't wear your hair in all its frizzy, curly glory every day. you will still fight the good fight a few times a week to make it look more 'presentable,' but one day ... a day like today ... you will wear your crazy mop with pride. because it's you.

with love and gobs of hair gel,
your 26-year-old self

p.s. - you eventually grow out of your training bra (although it takes a while), your legs will always be purple (which is always helpful to break the ice with new people), and your teeth actually straighten up without braces. trust me ... you'll turn out just fine.

in medias res :: reconciling the two

there is a reason traveling has become such a necessity for me in the recent years. and i used to think it was because of this sick sense of validation i received from "going away for business." it seemed regal. something i had always wanted to say. i began to think it was because everything was covered by my employer (which ... let's face it ... isn't too far from the truth). but what i realized on my latest trip to washington, d.c. was that i craved the space to just exist. no real responsibility, no real expectations. i just had to show up.

don delillo once wrote, "to be a tourist is to escape accountability. errors and failing don't cling to you the way they do back home. you're able to drift across continents and languages, suspending the operation of sound thought. tourism is the march of stupidity. you're expected to be stupid. the entire mechanism of the host country is geared to travelers acting stupidly. you walk around dazed, squinting into fold-out maps. being stupid is the pattern, the level and the norm. you can exist on this level for weeks and months without reprimand or dire consequence. together with thousands, you are granted immunities and broad freedoms. there is nothing to think about but the next shapeless event."

when i read this passage from a random book i picked up at a local dupont circle bookstore, i almost died. finally, someone knew how i felt ... someone had captured my increasing desire to lack the responsibility i secretly place on myself in the dark corners of my mind.

two days after i returned from d.c., i walked across the stage at graduation to receive my masters degree. a week after that, vince and i would close on our first home and begin a week of home-owner's boot camp.

and as i sit here ... my mind wanders to places where i can escape the question i, only a few months ago, thought i had the strength to answer ... what next? and the truth is ... i'm not sure i ever really thought past this point in my life.

as new dreams fill my mind with each room in the new house ... with each glance at my ring ... with each reminder of the endless opportunity in front of me ... i pause and beg for one more weekend away to introduce the old krysta, who set so many expectations for her adult self, to the adult krysta who met them and is ready to move forward.

who would have thought all of my dreams would have come true in their own way and led me to this place. this place of saying goodbye to the old life and trying to welcome the new without feeling guilty. because really ... i think my 6, 13, 17 and 22 year old self would be really proud that she made it to this point. and it's time to celebrate that.

i wish i came with a manual

i need some direction.

in fact, i need A LOT of direction. and the lack of direction i have, i'm certain is driven by the lack of focus i have which is driven by my ever so increasing attention deficit in regards to personal interests and career goals. all of which could possibly be traced back to the fact that i don't really know what it is that i am most passionate.

i used to think i knew. you know, back in the day when i was always angry about some injustice in the church, workplace, family or greater midwest region in which i was so familiar. but that was when i only had a handful of things to get me all roweled up.

now ... i seem to have become an expert in the area of intolerance. as i've seen more of the world, met more of the world's citizens and expanded my net of knowledge, my interest for solving all the world's problems has actually become diluted and my soul prerogative seems to have changed to ridding the world of stupidity, disrespect and apathy. (thus, i have become a part of the problem i have identified and not the solution)

as i sit in my windowless office, drinking what is the poorest excuse for coffee since the break room coffee pot at my previous job, i find myself at a very real and terrifying cross-road.

a point where a part of me still believes i was made to do something significant ... that i(we) was actually created for greatness ... to contribute uniquely to the world ... to change the course of human history by creating a future worth stepping into.

there is a less child-like part of me who, in her mature and unyielding realism, reminds her less grown up self that there are plenty of other people out there who are much more talented, brilliant, qualified, ambitious, passionate, intentional, etc. than they will ever be. and even if i did choose something in which to devote my life, who's to say that i would be the right person for the job? (says the antagonistic mature self)

the crazy part about this whole situation (other than yours truly), is that i have lost (or perhaps never had) a real sense of purpose. i don't have that "one thing" that i've wanted to do since i was 4.(i feel like i've said this before and i'm a bit disappointed things haven't progressed in this area)

i've been reading anne lamott's book bird by bird. good stuff ... you should read it. i came across a few passages that were particularly intriguing:

"you can see the underlying essence only when you strip away the busyness and then some surprising connections appear." i can see how this would be helpful in my current situation. however, i've always equated busyness with productivity. and so long as i'm busy ... even if i'm busy doing nothing of real value ... i feel like i'm achieving SOMETHING. kind-of annoying since those are exactly the types of people i am so easily frustrated by on a daily basis.

but then she says something else that was perhaps even more poignant than the last excerpt:

"you can't compare your insides to other people's outsides."

hm. and that's where i have to leave you. because really, all this confusion and mass chaos coexisting in my small little brain, has come down to one thing: expectations.

and this idea that perhaps all of my spastic decisions to involve myself in a little of everything as opposed to a few things that i would die for is all based on the premise of the perceived expectations i feel have been placed on my life. and to put it plainly, it has led me not to a path of deeply felt accomplishment or ambition, but rather to an ever mounting dissatisfaction in the land of never-good-enough.

which i'm tired of. and i know you're tired of hearing about. so we're going to work on that. and hopefully begin to build some more realistic expectations for my life and my life's work.

one step at a time ...

an outdoor affair

i don't like walls. or boundaries. or being in confined spaces (whether emotional, spiritual or physical).

i've built plenty of walls in my time. some were useful, most ... not. i've learned that boundaries have a purpose ... sometimes. and i've noticed that being in confined spaces are good every once in a while for building character.

but i've also come to value the importance of tearing down, rebuilding and expanding.

which is why my wedding will be outside. my wedding will be outside because things just seem more real there. the sound of the waves crashing as opposed to an air conditioner vent churning in the background. beams of sunlight as opposed to florescents. the fresh scent of the pacific air as opposed to the recycled staleness of an old building.

my wedding will be outside because that's where i realized God is everywhere. it's where my heart has found peace and my mind renewal on the bumpy road of my spiritual journey.

my wedding will be outside because this event is to signify union and a new beginning. and i can't do that in a place that makes me wonder if we really do believe that God exists beyond the walls of our exclusive religious rituals and narrow corridors.

this outdoor affair is to symbolize faith, hope and love through the relationship vince and i have built ... which, by the way, continues to defy all reason and requires much more space for creativity, innovation and random turns along the way than any location we could find in los angeles.

beyond my own issues with immovable objects ... i feel that everyone deserves at least one day to be around people who love them, to soak in the beauty around them and just have some space to process all the questions and thoughts that have been floating around for far too long.

and i'm hoping our outdoor affair will be the perfect place for those conversations to happen.

ok. this may be long (big surprise) but there are two things i need to address before moving on.

1. my perception of sex and my own sexuality was significantly influenced by the church and the people who were a part of it.
2. i have a tremendous amount of hope moving forward (which will be explained by another divine encounter in NYC).

let's start with the first thing. i'll make this as brief as possible because i'll most likely touch on it in detail in my section about the church. as i mentioned before, i already had issues with my physical appearance. as i grew up, however, the 'sex talks' in middle school and high school youth groups on wednesday nights increased and i began to believe that not only was it something that had come to define me, but also something that was causing the boys my age to "stumble." again, lies or not, these are the messages that made their way into my head and later found a home in my heart.

appropriate dress was always discussed (and probably rightfully so) and we were asked to rid ourselves of anything (cds included) that caused us to think lustful thoughts about our fellow youth group members. now, while i understand the concept here ... i think it's ridiculous ... in retrospect, of course. just because i threw away my 'bump and grind' music, doesn't mean i wouldn't hear it at a school dance or in a friend's car after school. and just because i came to school dressed in a business suit, doesn't mean that teenage boys aren't going to find some part of my anatomy to drool over. come on. have you walked through the halls of a high school lately? do you remember being a teenager with raging hormones?

i found a way to suppress mine because i thought somehow my youth pastor would be able to pull up a spreadsheet of my "lustful" thoughts, so i just put sex and anything remotely related in a category typically reserved for prostitutes and dirty old men.

then, after a being in a very long and very destructive relationship with a fellow worship leader, i became even more disgusted with anything remotely connected with sexual activity. i felt used. i felt deceived. and worse, i was more convinced than ever that sex was something that people used to manipulate and destroy others.

but here's where grace comes in.

anne lamott says, "grace meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us."

here's the thing. had it not been for grace ... i wouldn't be able to step into my upcoming marriage as a healthy individual in terms of intimacy (at all levels). had it not been for vince's warm character and my close friends' honesty, i wouldn't be able to say that i see sex and intimacy as a beautiful thing.

...marriage is always about something bigger than itself. It's two people, in their unconditionally loving embrace of each other, showing each other in flesh and blood what God is like. these two are naked, and they feel no shame. [rob bell :: sex God]

let's be honest. i haven't always been that great at letting people see the real me. you know ... the stuff under all the clothes and layers of protection i've thrown up around my heart. so this naked stuff didn't sit well with me at first ...

to pursue being naked, you have to believe that this person is worth getting to know for the rest of your lives. being naked is peeling back the layers, conversation after conversation, experience after experience, year after year. it's rooted in a belief that the soul has infinite depth and you'll never get to the bottom of it. [rob bell :: sex God]

but this. this is something i can get behind. there's something freeing about the continued newness of making myself available to someone who has chosen to love me forever. and it wasn't until this month that i began to really believe that this whole sex stuff was actually coming full circle for me and finding redemption in my jagged little soul.

it's kind-of nice how things work out ... really. because the weekend of the proposal, i found myself writing this about my new fiance ...

april 18, 2009 (the day after he popped the question)i learned something new about my fiance today. as we walked around the village, his eyes lit up when we stumbled upon what could only be explained as the largest costume shop on the planet. i felt like i had met him for the first time. his childlike enthusiasm exposed me to a side of him that doesn't have the chance to come out very often. i learned of his childhood love of batman and experienced a side of my future husband that i will never forget. when i asked him, "why batman and not spider man or something?" he said, "because batman was just a regular guy. he didn't have superpowers. so he made me believe that anyone could be a hero."

i love this. i love this about vince. i love this about our relationship. and i love this about the way my life has been transformed in the past few years. it's a reminder of how things are supposed to be when something that was intended for good isn't in the wrong hands. and an even greater glimpse at what this whole sex thing was really meant to represent to begin with ... a connection to a life that we were all created for.