i'm in between meetings at my beautiful hotel in the incredible city of kolkata.

i'm not sure i can explain how i feel about this city other than ... peace ... comfort ...

on my last day in los angeles, i sat in church and wrote in my journal a few thoughts i had that were crowding my mind and it's quite amazing how, just now, i'm seeing the connection the culture of this city is making with the cravings of my soul.

here is what i wrote on feb. 15 (the day after my birthday):

well. i'm 26. nothing special i suppose ... just another year older. but theres something about birthdays for me that bring a sense of possiblity and a chance to start over ... kind of like new year's does for everyone else. birthdays bring a challenge, even an element of fear that perhaps i won't meet all of my goals or rise to the challenge to take on bigger and more frightening risks. this is the time i usually refelct on what happened the year before, but that seems mildly depressing right now as not much has changed (in the physical sense), so i'll focus on a few things i'm hearing at church right now from my good friend jason jaggard.

- when you're the biggest thing in your world, nothing else can be bigger.
- we try to be bigger than we are so that we don't feel so small.
- what beauty might i be missing because i don't slow down?
- we were made to discover the wonder of God.

it's a constant battle for me ... to be completely geared for forward motion, fighting, achievement, yet desire to just.be. to just be comfortable in my own skin. to not have to try so freaking hard all the time. to not want to be so achievement oriented and just.enjoy.life.

i try too hard. did i mention that? let me be frank here. i've mentioned more times than i care to acknowledge that i spend and have spent most of my life trying to prove myself. i think that's why i love india so much. i have a purpose there. i'm free to learn, to not know ... to give what i have because for everyone there ... that's enough. there ... i am free to explore, discover, embrace the life i have been given. there ... i have space to just.be. no temptation to be bigger than life or try and prove my worth (whatever that means). because everything around me is proof enough that life is much more than my own insecurities and fears of not becoming. life there erases the "non-life" in my head that seems to consume the life that i'm supposed to be living in real-life ... (wow ... i'm officially starting to sound deranged and institutionalizable).

as i prepare to step onto the plane today, i remember that this is my chance. to start my 26th year fresh with wonder of the unknown and the audacity to explore, be wrong, ask questions and discover that which was made to be discovered. this is my chance to just.be.me (again, whatever that means).

so at breakfast this morning, i ask arjun, "why does the staff at this hotel clasp their hands together and nod whenever i walk by? why do they do that every time they say hello?"
arjun: because they are saying "namaste."
krysta: (in complete ignorance and trying to sound like i know what i'm talking about): oh, so like they're saying, "peace."
arjun: no. not really. (krysta puts food in her mouth so as not to feel embarrassed) they're bowing to the best in you. not YOU, because you don't deserve that much credit, but what's inside of you that is the best of who you are.
krysta: i really like that.

anne lamott says:

i learned to be the person i wished i'd meet.

i'm there today. i'm thrilled that those who serve me at this hotel and who greet me in this city are acknowledging only the greatest in me. i'm humbled that this is who they are calling out. and i feel much more free to explore who that being is ... deep down inside when i am greeted with namaste. because that person ... perhaps it is what most people identify as the 'soul' ... is who i would like to become more familiar with. it's the me i wish i'd meet ...

maybe this trip will be better for me than i expected ...