in one day.

i've spent the past week mulling over my thoughts and feelings regarding this topic of self-disclosure and proactively searching for a way to put some ink to this blank page of the new script i am hoping to write for myself. as with most projects, however, it's not coming along as quickly or easily as i had hoped.

it may be the fact that i can't just 'start over' so-to-speak. i have a history. and that history is a part of who i am. and while i'm learning that it doesn't define me, it's still important to sift through all the information and pick the parts that were meant to enhance my story, not keep it from being written. (which, as i've mentioned, has been a bit difficult to discern)

i was going to start the week off with an introduction of these four in-depth discussions: why kissing never leads to sex, why Bible verses still make me cringe: and other thoughts on faith, why i can't believe you and great expectations (i know, i know ... it's already a book title, but i had no other choice). sounds super intriguing right?

i thought so too. until i began explaining the sex topic to my good friend jen (mentioned in my last post) and she came back with, "do you feel chosen?"

uh. that sent me down so many roads, i can't even begin to map out where i was or how i got there. she was asking specifically if i felt chosen by vince in our relationship, and although i could answer honestly that i do, i couldn't figure out why a voice inside of my kept saying, "but i don't know why he would ..."

it was then that i realized these issues of sex, church, trust and lofty (or unnecessary) expectations are primarily centered around the idea that i have yet to learn to love myself. that, through all of the memories that have made these topics so sensitive in my life, the underlying theme is that i believe i am not worth being chosen. and, to be honest, i have actually created a person to project as myself that i thought would be much more desirable. super exhausting to think about ... i know ... so we'll save that for another day.

the second bird, killed by miss korey oskins (great friend, counselor and communicator extraordinaire) was: "do you think i would be disappointed in you if you didn't do the things you have always told me about?"

for some reason, i honestly thought she would be. and now that i think of it, that's not reasonable at all. she was so sincere when she asked the question and even more so when she responded to my silence with, "i wouldn't. i'd be inspired by anything you do that would make you happy."

with that, i've decided that my four issues will still be discussed in great detail. but i'm hoping to reclaim the pieces of each issue that brings me joy (or was meant to bring joy) ... and place them onto my blank page, leaving behind what was only intended for destruction and sadness. i think this is the way i want to lay the foundation of my new story ... with truth, redemption and joy ...