i think it needs to be reiterated that these posts are a way for me to process how i have lived my life, based on how i once interpreted events from long ago.

the reason i have chosen to blog about them on the world wide web is to begin a process of healing that will hopefully come from dialog with others who have experienced similar fates or simply wish to feel the freedom of admitting that the stories we intentionally or unintentionally have written for ourselves is not the one that was intended for our lives. it is also my way of 'getting this all on paper' so-to-speak. it makes my life somehow ... more real. and the pain that still lingers as i allow myself to expose the feelings associated with these memories causes me to believe that this whole 'series' may be just the medicine i need to feel human again.

because, truth be told, i learned how to shut down much earlier than necessary. what occurred in the living rooms of both my parent's and grandparent's home convinced me i had reason and complete permission to become hardened in order to protect myself from ever feeling that way again. once i had written that protection clause into my script ... there was no chance for anyone who entered my life from that point on. and can i tell you a secret? i’ve found that i feel much lighter having documented these memories in the past two entries. It’s almost as if writing them down gave me the freedom i needed to be able to let go of them … to walk away from them without feeling like i’d forget them if i didn’t have such a tight grip on them. maybe i’ve always known that they were my excuse for acting the way i have for so long. only time will tell i suppose.

my friend jen wallace called me the night i posted the last entry and (in her matter-of-fact and straight-to-the-point voice) said, "so, i have a thought for you about your blog today."

when jen starts a conversation like that ... you have no choice but to listen. well, at least if you're me. because that's the way we roll. ;)

i digress ... she continues: "see. this is what happens when you continue telling yourself a story. you begin 'already listening.' anything people do or say, regardless of their intention, becomes proof of what you already believe about yourself. or about them. it's not [always] their fault. you MADE them fall into your script. not on purpose, of course, but it's your story. it's sad. back then, you didn't know you were writing a story."

it's going to take me longer than this week to accept what she said. there is more truth to what she said than I really know what to do with and i'm not sure i'm quite ready to deal with the responsibility of owning the truth that this is MY story. that it is no longer ok (if i am to be a healthy, mature adult) to blame others for the pain in my life. and i would have posted this yesterday, but it’s really hard to write a blog entry about ‘processing life’ when you are still trying to figure out how to do it yourself! so, i thought adding an excerpt from a book i read recently would at least set a foundation for how i’ve chosen (at this point in my journey) to sift through the messiness in order to better understand myself and move towards truly forgiving those who are a part of this script of mine.

crucial conversations :: kerry patterson, joseph granny, ron mcmillan and al switzler

… just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. that is, we add meaning to the action we observed. to the simple behavior we add motive … although this complicates things a bit, it also gives us hope. since we and only we are telling the story, we can take back control of our own emotions by telling a different story.

stories explain what’s going on. they are interpretations of the facts. they help explain what we see and hear. they’re theories we use to explain why, how and what. … once they’re told, they stories control us. they control how we feel and how we act. but it doesn’t have to be this way. we can tell different stories and break the loop. in fact, until we tell different stories, we cannot break the loop.

so this is it. this is where i make a conscious effort to rewrite my story. but first … i have to uncover the story that has already been written … which is where you find me today …