i'm on a plane from wichita back to l.a. all i can see are the never-ending squares of brown and green crops that make my home town look like a patchwork quilt from up here.

this most recent trip to kansas revealed the simplistic nature of a place i once found overwhelmingly complex. it's incredible how little effort it used to take to turn simplicity into my nemesis.

for the first time (perhaps ever) i allowed myself to admit that there is a part of me that craves the simplicity of the place i spent most of my life fighting. this part of me wishes (or more accurately LONGS) to have everyone i know so easily accessible. i would love to have the community i had and still have in wichita. it's comforting. it brings me joy. it's effortless. no traffic, no parking issues, no google maps to figure out the fastest or least congested route. just a quick drive across town or walk down the street and you're there. in their homes ... filled with family and friends to make it warm and cozy. the warmth doesn't end there. it makes its way onto the streets and into the hardware stores and restaurants. genuine smiles and hellos are exchanged without thought and i am overcome with a sense of security and belonging to this place i traded in for hardened face to ward off the begging and silence to to spare myself from uncomfortable conversations with strangers.

this time in kansas, i didn't get antsy. maybe i've finally come to grips with some of the baggage in a way that makes kansas safe again. or maybe i've committed (more than i thought i had) to the idea that there really is nothing left for me to prove anymore - or i was just to tired to do that this time around. i actually felt confident in my answer to the infamous question that family and friends tend to ask with each return visit, "so, what's next?" my answer ... "i'm not really sure."

and that's the truth.

i don't have a plan. i do know, after holding precious little emery oliver and meeting the more grown-up versions of my friend's once toddler children, that being a mother is something i'd like to pursue some day. it's a thought i've been entertaining in attempts to fill my future with something other than a blank slab and ambiguous undertones. but actually holding my best friend's baby made it more tangible. more real. and far less stifling than i had made it out to be. in fact, life made a little more sense with him in my arms, which led me to believe that perhaps some day ... this wouldn't be out of the question for my own life.

i know after having monday morning coffee with my old boss and co-workers that there is a way to do business that not only generates revenue but also brings out the best in people. i became reacquainted with work-ethic and midwest charm. from the receptionist who seemed so excited to see me to the shareholders who joked about l.a's influence on my decision to get a nose ring while offering my job back ... if that's, in fact, why i was there.

i leave this time with a deeper appreciation for my family and their hospitality. the exchange of laughter and tears reminded me that i am an adult now. which is both empowering and devastating at the same time.

i don't have a plan, but i know that plane rides, airports, conversations and kansas are all much more beautiful when vince is there. i found kansas to be a place i could return to with a new perspective because he represents the me that is becoming. i realized this trip that my life is wherever vince is. and that's something that i would never have admitted to if i had a plan ... or ... had simply followed the one i was so married to for so long.

i know that i was lucky to have been raised in a place that values community, family, hard work, ethics and space in which to enjoy the little things in life. in a place like kansas, time move just slow enough for longer conversations and an extra cup of coffee. it was in the obscure time warp three years ago that i was able to have enough conversations and enough coffee to prepare me for a life where everything moves too fast for the things i didn't even know i valued.

so. all that to say ... this all seemed like perfect timing. my life slowed down long enough to actually hear what my old life was saying all along. and that's a really beautiful thing. i move forward from here without a plan and oh so intentional in bringing a little bit of kansas to the big city!