ok. i think i'm finally at a point where i can talk about this sex thing without saying something i don't really mean. i do that a lot. and i usually own it because ... well ... it's embarrassing (and seemingly bipolar) to change your mind in mid argument when it's clear you were so passionate about the first stance.

i do this a lot through gross generalization when really ... i'm thinking of a specific incident on a given topic. topics that usually get me all fired up have to do with sex and the church. and sometimes one causes immediate negative feelings about the other, which is where i begin today.

when someone asks me (typically in disbelief) why i haven't had sex, my response used to be: "because i don't want to have sex before i'm married." which, in kansas, translates as, "oh. you're a christian." cool. we've reached an understanding without me having to awkwardly explain my position on such matters.

now, having been in l.a. for nearly three years, i have learned that my staple answer no longer suffices. people become intrigued by the 26-year-old virgin who has been with her boyfriend for more than a year and half who has never slept with him. they want explanations. not an essay, just a solid answer. and the whole, "i don't want to have sex before i'm married" thing begs the response of, "why?"

let me get this straight. the people who ask "why?" are not being rude. they're genuinely curious. because this whole not having sex thing when you're in a serious relationship doesn't make sense to them. because the natural context isn't, "oh, it's because you believe in a God who asks you to regard your body as a temple. who says that He created sex to be enjoyed in the context of marriage." and that's not their fault. and to be honest ... i'm glad they ask why. because it wasn't until about six months ago, that i realized i wasn't having sex because i'm a follower of Christ ...

i'm not having sex because:
a) sex has always been communicated/portrayed as something negative (both in the church and in my relationships with those around me)
b) having sex only quadruples my chance of getting pregnant (which, isn't exactly a priority of mine)

now, what concerns me most about these two responses is that it has nothing to do with God. that, sex, in my mind, has only one correlation with the God i claim to follow: judgment and condemnation for those who engage in intercourse before marriage. the act itself, in my mind, has not been considered an expression of something that has been found, rather something that is forbidden because of the long-term devastation it may bring you.

my goal is to get back to the truth on this manner as it exists in my life. rob bell once said, "what we do comes out of who we believe we are." i've chosen to abstain, not because i believe God has my best interests at hand, but because i was afraid of getting in trouble. i have chosen to not engage in sex for 26 years because i believed that this was the only way i could maintain power in past relationships. and i chose, most importantly, to abstain because the thought of having a child with most of the guys i dated was nauseating. not only because they were boys themselves, but because i actually believed i wouldn't make a good enough mother.

well, all that has changed. and now, i have begun to unravel the layers of sexuality that were intended to connect me intimately to the world around me ... because i have to believe that all this sex stuff has to do with much more than what happens between the sheets.