i have quite a bit of experience with intense conversations. they seem to be interwoven throughout my life as necessary crucibles to moving forward and catalyzing necessary change.

but it's really difficult to have honest conversations with myself. i'm pretty good at keeping myself so busy that i simply don't have time to be introspective. and, frankly, when i do have a chance to make observations about my behaviors and the way i'm thinking/acting ... i quickly become overwhelmed and make the conscious decision to just.keep.moving.

erwin said something profound last week that got me thinking: 'it's amazing what will ruin your life when you're running scared.'

when he said that, i began to realize how unintentional my intentional life has been. and the things that i desperately need (and want for that matter) have been shoved out of my life by the things that i feel obligated to pay attention to for the sake of keeping up with the 'self' i have created. - whom, by the way, is not entirely accurate of the self that has been buried beneath the labels and self-proclamations.-

it's a process. a really freaking long process.

and i'm getting there.

it just takes a few really really honest conversations at the right moment, to understand that sometimes ... you just need to stop moving before you can get anywhere.

so. i'm on pause, so-to-speak. hoping that things will become more clear when i stop trying to chase, run from or even stay pace with the world i've created for myself.

whirl·wind (hwûrl'wĭnd', wûrl'-)
n. A tumultuous, confused rush.

yes. a tumultuous, confused rush seems to explain the past two week just fine.

two weeks ago today, i had just handed in my thesis and was desperately trying to finish a research paper due that night. after i handed it in, i spent the next evening relaxing by beginning a new project with jess koehler to build a campaign for a village in zambia (not much of a relaxing evening, but it sure beat writing another word).

the next week would be spent in multiple study sessions for the comp exam that was looming over my head. the end would commence with a six hour essay exam that would bring a new definition to the molestation of my already tender brain.

oh, i forgot to mention that my purse was stolen out of my office the day before this wretched exam. it's easy to forget something like that when it's not exactly the most pressing issue on your plate. i suppose it couldn't have happened at a better or worse time for me. the nice police man that came into my office to write a report ended up finding my bag full of note cards, scratch paper and cute red wallet in the men's restroom; contents completely strewn about the disgusting floor (why can't men get their urine INTO the bowl? it still confuses me).

anyway. the poor kids were looking for cash ... to which i have none of ... and they left empty handed. it must have been such a feeling of defeat for them. i mean, they mustered the courage to come into my office, steal the bag from under my desk and run off with it, only to find no reward for their courage. sad day for them.

since this chain of events, i have spent the past few days getting over the fear of opening a letter that says i failed and must relive the six hours of hell from last saturday and have moved on to things i can control ... like my hair color and a social life that is in need of major attention.

my goal is to not so much live in a tumultuous, confused rush. that never bodes well for my overall being. but it would be nice to have a bit of orderly chaos that moves me into a more focused and intentional direction. i think i'll work on that for a while now that i have some spare time ...

for risking his life so that all who were once considered undeserving of basic human liberties could live the life they were created to live ... including our president.

for believing in the power of change, hope and new paradigms that continue to break down destructive barriers and provide opportunities for guys like jon (below) and girls like me to live up to our full potential.

for being the youngest (27 years old) chief speechwriter on record at the white house and for inspiring me do more with what i have ... no matter how young i am.

to all these men: thank you for reminding me that, if you're willing to fight ... i mean really fight for what you believe in, you can change the world.

tomorrow is a really big day for me.

i've tried not to think of it that way because it will just freak me out ... but it is.

depending on how well i perform on my comp exam tomorrow i could either be a girl who has a master's degree, or i could be the girl who didn't pass and has to prepare for the exam again in march. i suppose taking the exam again isn't the worst thing that could ever happen to me, but i would really like to have my life back. it's not that i don't enjoy studying (because i do) and it's not that i don't enjoy having conversations about theories and leadership philosophies (because i enjoy that too). but i need a little break. and the thought of not being finished after tomorrow is one of the more devastating thoughts i've tried to keep from my mind this week as i prepare.

have you ever worked really really hard for something ... sacrificed your blood, sweat, tears, time and relationships ... for it to come down to one moment? one moment that says everything you've done up until that point was great, but unless you can get over this last hurdle, it will have all been in vain?

the truth is ... i'm as prepared as i can be without having run myself into the ground. and under those conditions i think i've done what i can. i suppose my fear is (like everything), what if what i have to bring to the table isn't enough?

my professor gave our class a word of advice, "just land the plane." it kind-of has a whole new meaning after yesterday's hudson miracle.

stay calm. use what you know. and just get this thing on the ground. it doesn't have to be pretty. it doesn't have to be perfect. just land.the.plane.

i was going to start my morning off with a fresh cup of today's brew from the bucks. but then i remembered how i felt the last time i was really tired and made that decision. within three hours of my first sip, i felt like someone had hit my a few time with a semi-truck. that kind of pain doesn't fade quickly.

sooo. i made a quick detour to my local grocery store and found these ...

with my comp exam only two days away, i figured it wouldn't hurt to purchase anything and everything that claims to make me smarter, build my immunity and bring nourishment to my mind, body and soul (even if it does have grass and stuff in it).

my 1 quart bottle of electrolyte enhanced water should keep me hydrated (which is apparently really smart). my power-c vitamin water should take care of my immune system them as will my odwalla c-monster beverage. both are "packed" with antioxidant vitamin c. in fact, i may want to space those two out now that i'm reading the label. the odwalla has 1000% vitamin c (because i guess your body needs that much) and the other has 250%. do you think it's possible i could overdose of vitamin c?? i don't want to take my chances ...

i think i'll keep my "energy" water for the day of the test. i'm not sure what natural caffeine means, but i'm sure it wouldn't hurt to take it in the middle of my 6-hour exam.

all this to say ... i'm feeling good about my all-naturAL purchases. and to be honest, i'm feeling quite alert. while completely unnecessary and obviously excessive, i think these things may actually serve a purpose ... in moderation. and if they prove less painful than the coffee beans i inject into my system, they may become my new vice (i know, blasphemy. but sometimes you have to let go and start making smarter decisions). ;)

i'll be 26.

it didn't seem depressing or frightening until now.

now it just screams, "you're closer to 30 than 20 ... what have you done with your life?"

for those of you out there who are older than i and out of your twenties, you may find the rest of this post completely juvenile ...

i think your twenties are the most most difficult years of your life ... for a few reasons:

you're trying to figure out who you are, while trying to achieve major successes in order to prove your worth as a (college graduate, new mom or dad, employee, etc).

there is also a weird juxtaposition of wanting to be back in college because life just seemed so much easier, but also feeling responsible for being an adult ... even if you feel you don't have what it takes.

and what does "being an adult" mean anyway? i'm young and if being an adult means bogging myself down with responsibilities that keep me from doing the things i love, then i'm not sure i want to grow up. who says being an adult means you have to have a secure job, own a home, start a family and build in a routine?

i'm hoping that being one year closer to thirty doesn't mean i stop pursuing adventure, mobility and the life i was created for. and to be honest, i'm not sure i want the life i'm supposed to be working towards as a "budding adult." it seems so ... blah.

then again, ask me what i'm doing in a few years. "adulthood" tends to get the best of us and i'm sure i'm not immune.

maybe your twenties are difficult because you know what is expected and you're heading in that direction, but something tells you that you don't have to follow the crowd. you just don't want to regret it later, so you're faced with risk or comfort ... and for some reason ... even in your twenties, comfort finds it's way to the forefront.

lame. i refuse. at least in my 26th year.

ok. i wanted to write a post about this nearly a month ago when i first saw the film, but after last night's sweep at the golden globes, i think it needs to be said.

slumdog millionaire was undoubtedly the best movie i saw this year. and apparently the academy thought so as well.

it was beautiful. inspiring. compelling.

my soul actually came alive in the theater that day.

everything about it reminded me of how much i adore india AND how anxious i'm getting to go back. india brings so much life and hope for me. it's the place where i first felt like i was not only capable but responsible for doing something significant in the world.

when i watched this film, i was reminded that everyone deserves a chance ... and it renewed my passion for fighting for that opportunity for those who are so easily forgotten.

if you haven't seen it ... you should. it may not change your life, but it'll sure give you something to be hopeful for :)

ok. so my last post was a bit melancholy (understatement of 2009 so far). but it was authentic ... about as raw as it gets.

what you didn't know is that a few hours later, a beautiful little bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates were delivered to my office. my lovely boyfriend thought it was necessary to send me something that would make me smile ... and it worked. the flowers even came in an over-sized mug (which i can't wait to drink coffee from) that's bright yellow with a happy face on the front. it kind-of makes me giggle ... which i assume was the point.

today can be described in one word ... relief.

i'm finished with my thesis. i'm finished with my research course. everything has been submitted and my brain has been officially turned off for the day. it feels wonderful. i have one week to prepare for my comprehensive exam and then i can relax completely.

as for my thoughts yesterday, they haven't gone away. but i have the strength today to push through adversity. i guess yesterday was just a real glimpse into who i am when it's just too much.

for those who are reading ... enjoy your weekend! i'll be back monday! :)

i've been away for a while. i promise i have a good reason ... it's sitting on my desk bound and beautiful ... all 74 pages of it.

last night should have been one of the happier days of my life ...

and it was a disaster.

as i turned in my thesis for my masters program and stepped up to the front of the room to give a short presentation on the journey i have taken in the past year and a half, i became very aware of how lonely i've been.

as everyone was giving their speeches about their leadership journey, i felt a huge disconnect. i'm not saying i didn't appreciate their stories ... that's not it at all. i just couldn't really relate. being a good 10 years behind most people in my class plays a large role in that and when i stepped up to the front of the room ... i felt ...

exposed.

as i attempted to articulate my personal philosophy of leadership and my core values i looked around the room and realized that i was not connecting. this typically doesn't bother me ... but it threw me off last night and i walked away feeling as if i didn't do myself or my work justice.

one of my colleagues, who spoke after me, quoted greenleaf by saying, "able leaders are usually sharply awake and reasonably disturbed." she paused and said, "this one reminds me of you krysta."

i wanted to take it as a compliment. but as i drove home last night, all i could think about was how this "disturbia" was defining me. all i could think about was how busy i am doing things that i enjoy, but that don't make me a joyful person. why is it that i appear to have so many friends, but when it really comes down to it, i'm just involved in a lot of things so there is an allusion that i'm always surrounded by people who want to spend time with me?

again, this should be an exciting week for me. i should be celebrating the end of a tiresome journey that we call graduate school. but somehow, somewhere along the way ... probably years ago ... i became the person that "get's things done" instead of the person people want to hang out with.

so i stood there last night wondering if this was going to be it for me. if this is what my life was going to look like. i don't know if it's because i'm passionate about things that people just don't want to commit to, or if i'm just not someone people want to be led by, but as people were talking about leadership as if it were a bowl of ice cream ... all i could think was that it is one of the loneliest places to be.

so today i battle the desire for meaningful relationships and girl's nights and dinners with a giant group of friends with my desire to see the world changed for good. and i can't help but think how difficult it would be for me to have both. so while some of you think that it's all about a balance, i would love to agree. in fact, i envy you for having it. but i ... i think i'll always be disturbed and that doesn't tend to mix well social settings and that's really not making my day super cheery.

hopefully tomorrow i'll come to grips with my reality and keep moving forward. until then, i'll be spending the day with my office door shut and tissues at my desk and possibly dabbling in a small amount of self pity. :)