i have quite a bit of experience with intense conversations. they seem to be interwoven throughout my life as necessary crucibles to moving forward and catalyzing necessary change.

but it's really difficult to have honest conversations with myself. i'm pretty good at keeping myself so busy that i simply don't have time to be introspective. and, frankly, when i do have a chance to make observations about my behaviors and the way i'm thinking/acting ... i quickly become overwhelmed and make the conscious decision to just.keep.moving.

erwin said something profound last week that got me thinking: 'it's amazing what will ruin your life when you're running scared.'

when he said that, i began to realize how unintentional my intentional life has been. and the things that i desperately need (and want for that matter) have been shoved out of my life by the things that i feel obligated to pay attention to for the sake of keeping up with the 'self' i have created. - whom, by the way, is not entirely accurate of the self that has been buried beneath the labels and self-proclamations.-

it's a process. a really freaking long process.

and i'm getting there.

it just takes a few really really honest conversations at the right moment, to understand that sometimes ... you just need to stop moving before you can get anywhere.

so. i'm on pause, so-to-speak. hoping that things will become more clear when i stop trying to chase, run from or even stay pace with the world i've created for myself.