accepting reality … finally

(October 24th, 2006)

It has been one insanely difficult week for me and I know there is more to come.

After a few very emotional and disgruntled conversations with some close friends (cliff, aren’t you glad you called :), i started accepting some harsh realities:

- I’m asking tough questions …. ones that could not have been asked in the confines of comfortability. This is what I long for in the lives of those around me … to engage in dialogue that matters. To engage in dialogue that will move others to change the world. But I forgot about the implications that cause one to move with absolute intention … dissatisfaction with the status quo, or one’s existing state of mediocrity and desperation for a life of significance and power beyond human capabilities.

- Maybe I’m here to write to all about the stages of transitioning and the emotional/spiritual implications of such a difficult decision. People make leaps of faith all the time. There is no rule book that says what to do when you start doubting the very faith that motivated the leap in the first place. More importantly, we speak little of hardships faced when doing something barbaric. It weakens the heroic nature of the movement, which only hurts our image. The worst part? We set people up to fail who are inspired by our “courageous” lives because we try to appear like we’ve made the right decision as opposed to admitting areas where we are weak.

- In the midst of chaos and confusion, I still live with hope that God is here now and is in my next hours to bring life and awaken my spirit through revelation and transformation of my soul as I seek to know Him more. I’m suffering for the sake of hope.

- I’m feeling the pain and dissatisfaction of millions of people in myself - complacency. For the first time in a long time I feel that I’ve been complacent out of default or out of a complete loss for where to go next … it’s overwhelming. It’s also interesting that I’ve been blessed with this new insight, since I have usually been the one to battle it carelessly and in aggravation that others didn’t move towards the life of abundance and adventure that they were created for. Now, I have taken on their internal frustration and understand that not everyone who is complacent, desires that lifestyle. It changes my role as a leader significantly.

- I have been groaning for what the world isn’t. I have come to understand my God so much better through this painful process. I have seen and felt what He feels and it’s excruciatingly painful. I have caught a glimpse of what Christ feels as we continue to walk in blind pursuit of things that won’t satisfy and lead lives that are far less powerful than the capacity in which they were created.

I told Cliff this week that I feel like a complete psycho. That this internal battle, these questions that I have been asking and the pain that I have been feeling are seemingly uncharacteristic, absolutely unnecessary and have consequently turned me into a fool. A fool wanting and needing desperately to be shown answers and walk in a better understanding of this God who has seemed to have left me hanging to figure it out on my own. That’s when Cliff enthusiastically said, “Praise Jesus.”

What? Did you just hear what I said? I said I’m at one of the lowest points in my transition here … that I’m wondering why I’m in this place to begin with … why I made the 1,600 mile truck across country? His response … “We have become a spectacle to the entire world. Our dedication to Christ makes us look like fools.”

Then it hit me. An epiphany that I was choosing to ignore in fear that I would become less significant or go unnoticed (yeah, I found out some really disgusting things about myself this week … number one, my ability to master self-indulgence and gratification).

Servanthood. I moved 1,600 miles to learn how to serve. I didn’t come here to be given opportunities to lead, or to be recognized as an up-and-coming revolutionary. I didn’t come here to move up in the ranks or get a really great job that would advance my career. I came here to meet people’s basic needs and humble myself before the Lord and wait for His promotion, not my own.

I fought it hard.

Serve? I already serve. I know how to serve … just let me lead. I’m a good leader (sounds like something a really mature leader says doesn’t it?) Sure, I told everyone back home, in my humanitarian voice, that I was moving to scrub toilets at the mayan where we hold our Sunday service. But in the back of my mind, I thought that I would scrub for a few weeks, get a few photo-ops in and then be pulled from my duties to do something more noble and less humiliating … you know, a task that a true leader would be given, like a chance to lead worship or lead a movement. ha.

Yea. Nothing like having it out with God. I sat there thinking, “how am I going to go back home in November, having not accomplished anything? Are you going to let me get off the plane with my tail between my legs? I can’t fail, God. When are going to start doing something that i can start pouring myself into (in other words, when are you going to exalt me at a well-known church so i can prove myself to people who doubted me back home and save face to those who expect me to do great things with my life)?

I began to feel inadequate. The thought kept going through my mind that perhaps I wasn’t the leader I thought I was. Maybe I had just fooled everyone into thinking I was good with a sufficient amount of self-efficacy that attracted others and made them feel secure in my decisions. I thought, “if I’m really a good leader, then why am i not surrounded by and involved in what the top leaders are involved with?”

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks: the reason I have been feeling inadequate is because the Enemy has me convinced that serving/servanthood is less significant and far below me than leading. I realized that to serve in a third world country seems noble. But to serve in America is for people who don’t know how to lead. Ha. Yea. I began to hate myself and my thought process when I actually repeated my own thoughts a few times.

The problem is that what this world deems as leadership is far less effective than the simple act of serving. I’m starting to embrace my current state because I now understand that, in order to be a person of impact – in order to lead the masses in to a better understanding of Christ – I must learn to serve them.

It all came down to my heightened level of concern with how others perceived me and how my self-promotional efforts were going that led to my ultimate demise and self-destruction. I denied God of using me in massive ways because there wasn’t enough recognition in it for me. After all … why should He get all the credit?

Why? Because (as my dear mentor and friend, Kim, pointed out), I am here to make Him famous. And I can’t do that when I’m devoting my best efforts to making sure my PR strategy is better than His.

I’m not satisfied being my biggest client anymore.

CS Lewis once said that God, in the long run will be satisfied with nothing less than perfection, but will also be delighted with the first feeble, stumbling effort you make tomorrow to do the simplest duty.

Ha. I don’t know that I could find something more eloquent to describe my efforts to tackle tasks that seem ridiculously petty in the big scheme of things.

Humanity moves unaware of their greatness and potential. That’s the issue here. Not, “why can’t I get ahead?” I’m getting a taste of that, a small sample of the magnitude of how heavy that responsibility is and I’m thinking: if this is what it takes to be a leader, I mean, a really great leader – to know who you’re leading and how to propel them into a moment of greatness amidst all odds – then maybe I am more fit to be a servant who lives expectantly that a time will come where her actions of service and humility, before people who need her most, will result in an opportunity to lead a healthy army in defeat of the Enemy that has captivated their souls. After all, how can I expect them to fight if their basic needs aren’t being met?

On a note of resolve, I have found real joy in finding ways to serve people in L.A. You’ll be happy to know that, I’m overcoming the daily mind games that tell me I am failing because I work at Starbucks and don’t have a corporate job even though I have a degree and a portfolio. I’m actually really excited to have flexibility in my schedule so that I can devote my time to the L.A. Mission in the heart of skid row, serving the homeless. God has given me some incredible visions that I can’t wait to see unfold before my eyes.

I’ve always wanted to spend a year doing missions work … I guess He knew what He was doing after all.