faces

(September 17th, 2006)

just to let you all know - i’m in a mood. so if this comes off as a little more raw or darker than the usual post, know that it’s because i’m grappling with a lot of things and today happens to be the day i’ve chosen to acknowledge them … out loud.

it has been a month and a half since i moved to southern california. great things have happened so far and i feel blessed to be in this squeamish vertigo. however, there are some things i’ve come to terms with that have given my soul quite the concussion and have split me right down the middle, leaving me feeling like i have way too many faces.

the first and probably most obvious event is the separation from all that i know. this has put me in a position where i feel misunderstood in my new environment simply because i don’t have history with the people here. so what do i do? i gravitate towards the familiar. i call friends from back home, i live on facebook and myspace just so i can validate my worth through the actions and influence of my past actions. even worse, i’ve come to understand that i am investing too much time in hanging onto the familiar that i’m not giving people here a real chance to experience the me i wish they knew.

that’s the other problem … “the me i wish they knew.” what does that even mean? i’m not sure that i know who i really am when i’m stripped down to the core. without a job, an outlet for my music, a place to really feel intentional, friends that know the every details of my life in the past 5 years or family, i find myself in the midst of a perfect opportunity to explore what brings me to life and run with it. what i’ve found scares me though …

i’ve found that while i enjoyed, embraced and thrived in the work environment i was in back home … maybe it isn’t for me. i began to take myself back to a time where i really felt alive.

college. the student ambassador society. working with colleagues and helping prospective students find their passions. it was also in this time where i was able to lead worship and lead the college generation in the ministry setting as well. it surrounded me.

so i’ve spent the last two weeks applying for every admissions rep position and univerisity student leadership position at the major institutions in southern california, hoping to explore those passions again.

i haven’t expressed that this has been difficult. i hide behind the robo krysta mask and hope that this means i’m a great leader. where did i ever buy into the lie that part of being a great leader means being a hard ass and showing no signs of emotional distress or weakness. this is hard stuff! anyone who acts like moving 1,600 miles away from home, stepping into a new environment, having to rebuild a network of friends, people to trust and career advisers is easy, is only fooling himself. this kind of transition, while exciting and often times exhilarating, has major emotional and physical implications.

i’ve felt like i had something to prove this whole time. i’ve had this lingering antagonistic voice that makes me question my excitement for a barista job near the ocean at starbucks over a job that is seemingly more conducive to the degree i obtained in college. i have this underlying motive to do a little, “in your face” by excelling and adapting quickly to this new move so that people who doubted me in the past can see that i am better off without them anyway.

what am i trying to prove? who am i trying so desperately to captivate by hiding behind a face of confusion and half-hearted smiles?

i don’t need to figure out who i am. i just need to trust that who i am is more than enough to create the awakening in the hearts of man that i so long to bring forth.

i didn’t come here to start a career or continue one that i had already begun. i came here to learn how to use my talents and be the catalyst to create environments where people can feel the presence of God.

if i stray from that, i’m robbing myself and you of the person i became reconnected with when making my decision to move here. i will no longer deny the cravings inside of me to be surrounded by music and other leaders. if this means i work at starbucks so that i can reach maximum potential the area of my life that has most potential for influence, so be it.

i’m tired of running from the girl who longs to break free from societal expectations and be the catalyst for a movement larger than herself.

it’s not easy. in fact, it kind-of sucks. but there is beauty in what is taking place here … inside my soul. i need continued support and encouragement for the road ahead … i can’t do this alone.