unrelenting nostalgia

(September 21st, 2006)

Reminders of how I once lived have been more than an intrusion lately. I have spent countless hours wrapping my mind around a new life … one that has been promised me as I continue to challenge myself and seek roads that lead to the purpose carved out for my life.

The problem is that I don’t know how to be anyone else other than the person I’ve always been in the surroundings that I’ve always been in.

I’ve found that I expect it all to look the same, only enhanced. Sound a little familiar? I think it’s our natural reaction to change.

But Jesus says no. It’s not going to be the same. God is going to give you a new spirit to deal with this change. You don’t get to live in the past … He’s going to give you a spirit to take you forward from this day … from the here and now.

Ha! I’m waiting for things to go back to normal … for everything to fall back into place so that I can keep doing what I’ve always been doing. But I’m not the same person. I’m constantly undergoing transformation of my character and renewal of my spirit, and with each challenge faced, with each victory won, I have suddenly come to the realization that I am a different person than the one who began the journey. Simply attempting this gauntlet has changed me forever.

How much energy do we spend trying to control things, trying to determine the outcome, trying to make things a certain way because we’re terrified of how it might turn out?

I’m not gonna lie … I’m pretty freaked out that I’m not in control of this stage in my life. I have this awkward excitement for the events that are unfolding in my life. All the things I have spent my time contemplating and trying to devote all my spare time to, are becoming the focus and mere definition of who I am as opposed to extra-curricular activities I engage in on the weekends.

Why does it scare us when things start happening for us? I mean when things are really coming together? Do we think we owe it to ourselves or to society to be what we’ve always been so as not to make anyone else uncomfortable? I’ve bought into this lie for long enough. I am standing firm in my desire to live a life of purpose and to make sure others are actualizing their full potential.

We’re not all on the same health plan guys. Figure out which one is best for you and dedicate yourself to it … that’s the only way others are going to drawn to what you’re doing to impact the world around you.

I choose today, through the scent of nostalgia in the air, to live not how I wish it was or how it used to be, but to meet God here … today … where He sent me to do something new … something I can’t even fathom through His power invested in me.