i'm afraid of losing something i never had.

i really don't like it when things don't go my way. i'm sure that quality will come in handy one day if i want to be the world's most successful and most hated CEO (which is something i suppose i could aspire to when this whole character development thing gets too difficult).

i suppose it's because i spend so much time dreaming of all the different (ideal) outcomes for a given situation. i mean, really, it completely sucks when you've got the movie-esque plan in your mind and someone wakes you up and makes you face reality. I WASN'T FINISHED DREAMING!! it takes everything i have not to poke that person in the eye (ok, that's weird, but could you imagine if that's how someone retaliated? ha!).

the point is ... i consider myself a closet romantic. i'm the most realistic, serious and over-analytic person i know. but when i dream ... i dream big. and the thought of them not coming true ... not even a little ... crushes even the strongest strands of hope i have that tells me that my dreams actually matter to Someone. (which also means i'm way more weak than i'd like to admit)

i'm realizing that my initial reaction to not getting my way (you know, the throwing a fit part) is usually anger followed by quick decision to run away as fast as possible (as if i really want to run to people who are going to let me get my way ALL the time ... boring).

but now, there's something telling me to wait. to wait long enough for the anger to turn into pain and for the pain to speak of a lie i believed so long ago.

it's interesting to think that a little change of plans could cause such an internal eruption of emotions. but how nice to know that i don't need to poke out anyone's eye ... because really, this battle has nothing to do with them after all.

Just two days ago, I was taking a scenic trip with Vince to Santa Barbara and back. We drove through Malibu and all the way back down to Orange County.

Today, I'm sitting in my hotel room in Toronto, fielding phone calls from co-workers who are packing up their belongings back home due to the voluntary evacuation announcement in their neighborhood because of the raging fires quickly approaching. I even have colleagues here at this conference who are trying to figure out how to get their families to safety from thousands of miles away.

I just missed the chaos by a day.

My life back home is surrounded by smoke and flames and I can't do anything about it.

I'm not sure which is worse ... a tornado or wild fires.

here's what i'm realizing.

people change.

people change a lot.

and my hope is that, as i continue to develop into the person i was created to be, i would be surrounded by people who desire, not to keep me in a box or categorize me according to my works, but to nurture and support my development. people who know we were created to do something unique ... something that has never been done before and understand that it's hard to move forward without a set mold for success.

i'm so glad i have those people. so so glad.

well, i did it folks.

i finished my first quarter of grad school. :)

i will never be able to make a decision again without considering ethical/moral obligations, nor will i be able to create my own business without considering the servant leader model.

the good news is ... i was able to finish my research papers AND catch up responsibilities at work just in time for a weekend get-away with vince to NYC. here are a few of my favorite photos from the weekend:

i haven't posted anything for a while and i have a few excuses:

1. grad school has completely consumed every ounce of my brain activity, thus making it impossible to produce anything coherent in the past two weeks unless it pertains to business ethics or servant leadership.

2. i don't feel i have much to contribute in terms of entertainment, wisdom or information, so blog topics seem a bit scarce.

3. my free time has been limited ... very limited ... which brings me to my main point i suppose.

this week has been full of realizations. the most life-changing ... i need to slow down. i know that some of you may think that i'm a complete whimp but here's the deal ... i'm taking two graduate school classes per quarter, working a full time job that demands much of my thought life and energy, am spending 13 hours each Sunday at Mosaic serving in multiple capacities and have brilliant friends and an incredible boyfriend whom i try and make time for when i can on friday and saturday evenings.

my problem: i'm doing so much that i've forgotten why i'm doing them. i'm passionate about all of the things that i give myself to, no one would argue that. but there is a fine line that i always seem to walk that takes me from leadership to robot.

i care about people. i know it may be hard to believe, but i really do. i hear what they have to say, i experience life with them and then i do what i can to create space for them to experience something extraordinary ... something that they can be a part of that will point them to who they were made to become.

but when i'm this busy ... i forget what i'm fighting for because i don't have the capacity to engage in the communities in which i'm a part of. and to be honest, i'm not even an effective leader anymore because that would mean that i'm meeting the needs of those around me and i don't have even have time to have a brief conversation, let alone go on a journey with them.

and that's a problem.

so i'm minimizing as much as i can.

i'm understanding that it makes no sense for me to try and do everything because at some point, i'll have nothing of substance to give. for once, i'm not satisfied with a full schedule.

because at the end of the day, i want to be certain that the people in my life know that i care about them. they have to know that i care more about them than i do leading them.