Tuesday, February 26, 2008

i'm on the other side of the world and i feel less alone and detached here than i do when i'm home.

is it because i expect to be alone, disoriented, more adaptable when i'm here, simply biding my time until i return?

is it because when i'm home i expect to be more connected, involved, aware?

for some reason things seem reversed ...

Friday, February 22, 2008


what do you think she dreams about?

there is something about her eyes that i'm vaguely familiar with. something she stares at in the distance that i've seen before. and yet, a numbness that has made her slightly more robotic than human.

why can i identify with her?

is it possible we're dreaming of the same thing?

Wednesday, February 20, 2008



"but when you ask God, you must believe and not doubt. anyone who doubts is like a wave in the sea, blown up and down by the wind. such doubters are thinking two different things at the same time, and they cannot decide about anything they do. they should not think they will receive anything from the Lord." james 1

that's me. in the midst of all this poverty and oppression, there is a hint of doubt in my soul.

i see the struggles and social issues and pain of people around me and my first inclination is to devise a plan to help them. it's almost like i see them and then i immediately charge into battle to fight for what i feel they deserve.

but as i'm pressing forward, doing what i feel i should be doing ... there is a trace of confusion and doubt. will this ever be taken care of? will my contribution even help? will God show up for them in a miraculous way ... will He show up for me?

i think being here, surrounded by people who don't follow Jesus or even see Him as more than a good guy from history, reminds me of my daily struggle in l.a. i'm no longer in a cocoon of people who just know God is there for them and wants to pursue them. and i most certainly have no reason to complain about my life, i just feel that sometimes i need to know that He's talking to me. i want to walk, without doubt, and believe He has already been having conversations with the children i walk past in the streets.

i don't want to have to struggle in my attempts to talk to people about who He is and what He's done. and i feel like that's the case when i'm in places where He seems so absent.

how would you tell/show the kids in the picture who God is? suggestions are welcome ...

Monday, February 18, 2008

first, i'd like to reiterate that my boyfriend is the best thing since sliced bread ... really. i mean, even better than starbucks, which is a distant second to his awesomeness and maybe even bottled water, (which i'm pretty sure came after sliced bread).

for my bday, he had dinner ready on my rooftop and the most incredible bouquet of lilies and roses you will ever find this side of the mississippi. although it was a bit cold and windy, it was probably the most romantic birthday i've ever had. no crowds, no chaos ... just us, the l.a. skyline, great food and wine and the unbeatable taste of beef before leaving for india :) we watched atonement (fantastic, by the way) and off to bed i was!

friday was the bigger evening. he had a planned a fun trip to disney land and reserved a table for us at a restaurant in the pirates of the Caribbean ride. the food ... amazing. then we giggled our way to space mountain, running the entire way in order to beat the fireworks crowd to the line. a success. :)

he planned a spa day for me on saturday before i got on my flight to india. ahhh ... rest and relaxation. he has figured out a way to get me to stop running like a mad woman. just put me in a spa and i'll calm down ... at least while i'm in there.

we drove to the airport (probably one of the more depressing days i've had in a while) and i said good bye to my best friend. i'm pretty sure i cried through the ticket line, security line and about an hour into the flight. yeah. not a good time.

my 25 hour plane ride to india went well. a bit crowded, but as to be expected. i got some sleep, ate disgusting airline food and met some really cool people. when i landed in delhi, i realized how much i had missed this place.

prab and arjun kept me up all day yesterday so that i could acclimate to the time change (ugh) and i had the opportunity to meet some great people in a twelve hour time period. the food has been excellent, the sites a flash of last year's trip and the conversation invigorating.

this trip has already solidified that i would prefer to never be away from vince. i want to share these experiences with him. i want to be able to explore the world TOGETHER, not from the telephone or email while being on opposite ends of the earth.

and i've learned that india has a special place in my heart. the people. the momentum. the culture. even the rising economy brings me an energy that i've been missing for a while.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

i am officially a quarter of a century old.

i feel much better about my ongoing quarter life crisis now that it's legitimate.

this year was weird because 25 is such a highly anticipated birthday. i tried to get really pumped up about it and get the celebration to stretch out for a week, but i've been really stinkin' busy. i'm sure when i get back from my trip i'll want to celebrate again because i'll be able to focus on it, but for now ... i'm just trying to make it through the day without having a heart attack.

i have even been revisiting my thoughts as a child and teenager about where i thought i'd be when i turned 25. geez, that seemed so far away back then. i remember wanting to be like the leading lady in a movie that lived in a big city and traveled the world. oh, and finds love somewhere in the midst of her independent life. and i think 24 paved the way for that ...

it began with a trip to the taj mahal on febuary 14th 2007 and has continued to be an adventure since. i saw the fruition of my dream to lead worship at mosaic and just as quickly as it came, i saw it leave. i struggled even more with questions about ministry and how we keep people motivated and passionate about this thing called the Church. i developed a hearing impediment to the voice of God after feeling a bit burned by His people and then quickly realized that if i didn't get it fixed, i may meet my demise prematurely. i learned more about myself than i think i ever cared to. i took my job to the next level and figured out what i do and don't want out of a career. went to san diego, mexico, toronto, new york, kansas, austin, st. louis and am leaving in two days for india and china. i met the love of my life. started grad school. dreamed bigger dreams. moved into a loft in downtown l.a. started taking the train to work. and realized a few things that have been holding me back from living a life of passion all while wearing high heels and carrying a cup of coffee.

but the most important thing ... is that there isn't anything that i haven't done that i thought i'd be doing by now. i am living the life i set out to live and that feels ... terrifying ... ironically.

"i’m afraid that if my dream is realized, i’ll have no reason to go on living." the alchemist

do you ever feel like that? i mean, what do i dream about now? i'm a little afraid to make new dreams and bigger goals for myself because the things i care about accomplishing now seem much more difficult than all the others.

like being more intentional, focused, compassionate and loving. or to be able to put other people before myself. to let go. take bigger risks in my career and for the Kingdom. communicate more effectively.

this year will undoubtedly be another year of development and humility but also a year of great momentum through new beginnings.

sooo ... here's to being 25 :)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

i was explaining my work situation to my monday night class in a desperate attempt to gain insight for my constant struggle to find ways to motivate people to care about the organization.

i was given so much feedback (wow, grad school really works) and felt like i had the tools to begin making some risky career decisions (as if i need to be making any more transitions right now). the gold nugget from the discussion came from my professor though. as i sat frustrated and clearly passionate about making people in my organization care more about their responsibilities, my professor said: "i think you want more for people than they want for themselves."

my response: "so ... what's the problem? when did that become a bad thing?"

the class laughs.

did i miss something?

i have this belief that people want to be a part of something great. i believe that people want contribute and live fully engaged lives. now, i also believe that it takes certain people to help lead people into a better understanding of how to maximize their potential and channel their energies into things that matter to them. but what i think has happened is that people have suffered great disappointments in how they had hoped things would be for them. jan meyers asks,"how do we live and continue to give of ourselves - honestly, not out of duty but freely - in the midst of feeling a gnawing sense of incompleteness?"

i'm not just dealing with apathy, mediocrity or complacency. i'm dealing with people who have been gravely disappointed and have little energy to try and make other's dreams a reality ... especially when they haven't realized their own.

Monday, February 11, 2008



the view from the roof of my new home :)

i'm feeling much more inspired these days ... for obvious reasons. hopefully my blog will be indicative of this new burst of creative energy!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

ok. i'm not an alcoholic ... but i could be.

i've been to my share of open AA meetings with family members and friends and have always enjoyed going. there's just something about the honesty and openness that would make anyone feel comfortable sharing the darkest pieces of their soul.

i was invited by a friend from class to attend her 14th birthday last saturday.

when i entered the room, i felt like i was among family. these individuals, whose birthdays we celebrated, had made the decision years ago to give up something that had kept them from living the life they wanted. i sat as they told their stories of desperation in the moments before deciding to let go of their alcohol and drug addictions. my 52 year old friend talked about her groundhog day, 14 years ago when she walked into the betty ford center. i was so inspired by their lives today and saw the hope that still gleams in their eyes as they continue to make decisions each day to choose life and a better future over their past addictions.

on my way home, i wondered if i could ever do that. if i could identify the things that are keeping me from experiencing my fullest potential. things that have defined me ... that i have let control my life. and then let them go, never to be touched again.

NEVER. not one sip ... not one more day.

could you?

i'm not a substance abuser, but i sure don't feel too estranged to sit in that group and say, "i'm krysta. and i'm an alcoholic."

i think there's a piece of them in all of us ... we're just too afraid to say it out loud.

Monday, February 4, 2008

a few days ago i posted a little note about happiness.

not-so-ironically, joy was the topic of conversation at mosaic this week (interesting how God works sometimes).

someone asked erwin, “why are christians unhappy?”

his response: “because they’re shallow. because they don’t realize it’s ok to be happy. they believe in Jesus, but they don’t trust Him. so they destroy themselves like everyone else. God created you to enjoy life.”

:: insert awkward silence and the occasional chirp of a cricket ::

have i missed something fundamental in my attempt to be a follower of Christ? perhaps I skipped psalms and philipians, john and nehemiah when I was doing my Bible in a year program in youth group.

one thing we can find in these books is that joy is central to the life we were meant to live. it is joy that brings strength to our life …

we actually need joy in order to have the strength to live the life God has created us to live.

and, as someone who claims (not as loudly as I used to) to be a follower of Christ, my desire is that, people will be brought into conversation with the living God, not because of a cool church service or a great worship band or even through a rad podcast … but through relationships with people who are actively engaging the heart of the living God and are fully alive.

this also goes back to pursuing things that are inherent to who we are. i can identify the moments when i have been fully alive. if i were an onlooker, searching for proof that we were meant for more … i would find hope in watching someone in those moments, rather than in the ones where joy seems to be vacant from our existence.

so … to answer my own question:

yes. it’s ok to be happy. in fact, i’d say it’s wrong to not bring happiness into a world that prides itself on cynicism and darkness.

perhaps it’s the answer to unleashing people’s capacity to love, find joy and develop into the person they were made to become.
i try to treat myself once or twice a week (would be more if i could afford it) to a nice cup of goodness from the bucks.

i was enjoying my moment of bliss until I pulled off the sleeve to read "the way i see it #275" on the side of my $3.20 liquid addiction.

"when I wake up in the morning, i want to know that my family, friends and fans know what i believe in and what i'm about. that's what should be important." robert randolph

great.

so much for enjoying myself. now i'm wondering if people know what i believe in and what i'm about.

forget that … do i even know what i believe in and what i'm about?

i don't even know this randolph guy and he's invading my moment of serenity with his glaring challenge for all of us lucky Starbucks guests who happen to get the cup with the way i see it #275 on the side.


did everyone who got this message feel so attacked? or am i just feeling convicted because i can't be as confident as him (or intentional for that matter)? and why do i have to have internal dialog like this every time i get a cup from Starbucks? maybe THAT'S what i'm paying freaking $3 a cup for!

i feel another mini-series of more self discovery coming on …

so tell me. what do you believe in? what are YOU about?

Friday, February 1, 2008

underneath the excitement of moving into a new season of my life, i'm so nervous. i know that this transition is going to bring so much adventure, beauty and joy to my life, but taking the final step is scary. what if this life i've always dreamed of, doesn't end up being as great as i pictured it? or worse ... what if it is and then i realize i'm not strong enough to survive in it? what will i dream about now that i'm moving into my movie-esque scenerio? and then there's the other, more glaring thought ... what if it's everything i've imagined and i am exactly where i'm supposed to be? in a place where my soul is content ... where i can thrive and mature and live freely under the umbrella of peace and ultimate joy? that seems more terrifying to me than the other concerns.

aren't i supposed to be upset with how things should be but aren't? am i not supposed to be conflicted by desires to live in joy and yet live in the midst of so much pain? is it right to be ... happy?

that may sound completely stupid for those of you who find it easy to have fun. but i take life way too seriously most of the time. and the result of that is a fear of happiness. a fear of enjoying anything outside of accomplishing a task for the greater good.

so this move leaves me a bit terrified that i may just end up a genuinely joyful person and i'm just not sure i'll know what to do with myself at that point.

am i totally weird and in need of psychiatric interviention, or do any of you feel the same way sometimes?