When you become the person you've been running from

You either embrace it full on or continue fighting it.

Housewife. Business owner.

I always wanted one and ran from the other. You've got a 50/50 shot at which was which.

I never thought the two would ever coincide. My goal wasn't to come up with a business that could be reflected in a stereotypical female role. I was going to play a man's game in a man's world. Which, left no room for things like baking and cleaning house. I never pretended I could be super woman, so I chose one and ran with it while running from the other.

The sweet smell of a freshly dry cleaned suit, stillettoe pumps and a leather satchel... Ahhhh.

But I've found myself in a rather awkward position: working from home.

Yes. That means I've taken to baking and cooking more in between research and meetings. And while I'm doing it, I have to admit it feels liberating. Not super tasty quite yet... But liberating nonetheless to try something so unnatural and new.

When it's just me and my wisk... I own it. And when I'm alone ... you may even catch me with a smile on my face while I watch the batter rise or the chicken brown.

The second vince (or anyone else walks in for that matter) the gig is up. This isn't comfortable for me. I haven't practiced this part. My natural position ... In a conference room. Not behind the stove. And I've made that very clear. You know ... so that there is no confusion that I'm not like other people. (because apparently that has been super important to me)

So. When any mention of how I can improve comes up, or even suggestions for maximizing efficency (which i usually appreciate) ... I lose it. I feel entirely too vulnerable. Naked. Completely exposed to the world that I'm just like every other woman to ever fall blindly into their 'role.' And I am reminded that I'm not particularly good at this... At least not yet. And the truth ... I hate being a weak link.

So, in my mental panic and after I've made a complete fool of myself (and perhaps even burnt something), I remember that I have a choice. I can either define what this whole being a woman, nearly married with a career ahead of her looks like. Or I can live in the fear that I will become ... A stereotype that was probably defined in the first place by people who haven't a clue to begin with and just like seeing girls like me freak out on a regular basis.

Tonight, I chose first to retaliate in fear.

I'm really hoping to get over that before I miss out on a chance to create my own definitions for the roles I choose to play. Or, at the very least, maybe I'll learn to give myself permission to experiment with these "gender specific" roles in case I've mis-perceived its excitement all along.

do you feel taller?

My parents used to ask me that every year on the morning of my birthday.

This morning ... Vince asked me and my response, "a little. But I'm wearing heels ..." It's always a nice reminder that each year brings growth ...

26 was a year that would catalyze some really big changes in my life.

I traveled ... gave more of my heart to the places I love around the globe.

I went home more which ultimately led to a greater appreciation for the things/people that I grew up with. And also reminded me that I have the power to create my own future.

I got engaged which has brought me to a new level of hormonal imbalance, fear and reckless abandon all in the name of love.

I have acquired a love for most things domestic. Call it "nesting" or my biological clock ticking feverishly (and ... I would argue ... prematurely), but I freaking love baking and playing host.

I became a pseudo home-owner. Meaning ... I invested but don't have to help Vince with the mortgage ... at least not until April.

I quit my job to pursue a life-long dream of being the boss. I'll let you know in 6 months how that's working out!

I learned a lot this year. I digressed ... but at least feel that I'm learning. From both the successes and failures.

I was cleaning out some boxes the other day and came across a dream book. It was something I threw together throughout the years of images from magazines that I only dreamed would one day represent my life.

Most of the images were of couples ... not doing anything in particular but clearly in love. Others were of floor plans for homes that will have to remain there until I become a millionaire. But something struck me about the whole book. I always thought 27 would be the best year ... that somehow it would be the year I could look back and be proud of where I had been and what I had become. That 27 would be the beginning of an entirely new era of what my life was meant to be and what I'm capable of. And to be honest ... I'm feeling like that may just be where I am.

So ... here's to you 26 ... for being full of lessons and adventure.

To 27 ... let's do this. ;)