i just heard thunder. i can't believe it.

the sound of cars driving by on rainy streets is putting me in the perfect fall spirit!

i'm so so so thankful that God is personal (not to say that He did all this for little ol' me ... but i'm sure He didn't mind pulling some strings for the millions of us who have been craving the fall-like weather of the eastern half of the country).

we're off to mexico in a few hours and can't wait to dive into relaxation, laughter and the eternal buffet of incredible thanksgiving food. but for the moment, i think i'll just relish in the sweet sound of rain drops and fresh scent that this afternoon shower has brought to the air. happy fall! (finally!)

(hey, alliteration is fun in small doses)

yesterday i had a giant migraine. haven't had one in a really long time so i was a little confused as to what was actually happening. but after a little nap, a bowl of whole food's delish soup (thanks to my fabulous boyfriend), a little shopping spree (also thanks to the aforementioned boyfriend) and some coldstone, i was well on my way to recovery. did i mention i bought a pair of skinny jeans? yes. first the stupid 80s leggings that i swore i'd never wear and now the freaking skinny jeans. it's really a shame that they fit so well and look so cute (arguably).

anyway. i digress (as usual)...

now that my migraine has dissipated, it's time to really focus on this week of thanks and the goodness that will ensue on our yearly trip to mexico. i say "our" as if it's my trip to begin with. it is not. let's be clear that this year marks my second year of being invited by the masciale and marshall families to attend their thanksgiving celebration in rosarito and i couldn't be more grateful for the invitation. (nor could i be more astonished that i made it to year two ... big step for couples who are dating, wouldn't you say? ... that's a big deal in couples land)

back to the point.

i've always loved thanksgiving. not as much as christmas, but let's be honest, there is a good argument for why thankgiving is a close second to christmas. the food is MUCH better on thanksgiving and God's choice of colors for this season is substantially more aesthetically pleasing than the drab tones of grey that winter brings. maybe we'll continue that discussion later.

for now, i'm excited to create another album of memories this week and am reminded of what really matters. and i have already begun this adventure with the intention to be joyful of all that has been and all that is yet to come.

so. to my family and friends back home ... i love you and am so thankful for your presence in my life. i'll be thinking of you this week while you dine together and wishing we could all be together!

i don't think i've ever considered myself a real feminist. (stop laughing)

i will admit to getting a little fired up about equal rights for women, but i could say the same for just about any other human being no matter what gender, age, race or ethnicity they may be. it's what i'm passionate about.

but today definitely had a hint of girl power that is usually reserved for my inner most thoughts.

i texted vince first thing this morning about my recently observed downside to getting the puppy we've been dreaming about for the past year. i told him i ran into multiple puppy owners this morning on my way to work who seemed to be up much earlier than they would have liked - all on the account of taking their little fur balls out for a morning walk to relieve themselves. the conversation ensues:
v: i'll probably keep him outside.
k: ok. phew. HEY!! why does it have to be a him?
v: haha
k: oh my gosh. i'm a feminist aren't i?
v: yes.
k: what's that like? to be dating a feminazi?
v: pretty crazy

hmmm ...

THEN, i got into a fun little discussion with one of our top faculty members about the new office arrangements i'm making in celebration of my promotion this week. i said, "i think i'll put a couch over there for the students to hang out ... you know ... create a little living space for them to collaborate and exchange ideas about changing the world. ooo ... and a lamp in the corner would be pretty sweet too ..."
faculty member: i wouldn't get a couch if i were you.
me: why?
faculty member: it'll look bad.
me: it's not like i'm going to keep the door shut.
faculty member: don't take this the wrong way. but you're a woman. the only people who can pull that off those three guys at the end of the hall. sorry, it's a double standard, but that's the way it is. you'll never get away with it.
me: that's dumb. why can't i hang with the big boys?
faculty member: you want to hang with the big boys.
me: oh, i'll hang with the big boys alright. i think they're just afraid i'll win.

who says that?? i work in academe. an MBA program no less. not exactly the place for a 25-year-old female to be touting her awesomeness. this is the quintessential gentleman's club. i mean, i'd fair much better in the private sector at this point.

so here's to all the women who fought for me to even have a voice to make arrogant comments in the presence of a man. and my deepest apologies for embarrassing you by opening my mouth instead of simply tearing them to shreds with my intellect and innovative strategies. :) muahahaha (evil laugh)

oh, and to my boyfriend. who is clearly a saint.

i'm about to impart some of the wisdom i have gained from my time in the organizational leadership masters program at chapman university.

there's this thing that MIT senior lecturer peter senge has written about called "creative tension." i really dig it (yes, that is exactly the kind of language that will be used to identify theories and best practices in my thesis)

"people often have great difficulty talking about their visions, even when the visions are clear. why? because we are acutely aware of the gaps between our vision and reality." (senge)

hmmm ... tell me more mr. senge.

"but the gap between vision and current reality is also a source of energy. if there was no gap, there would be no need for any action to move toward the vision. we call this gap creative tension."

yes. this sounds vaguely familiar ... continue ...

"there are only two possible ways for the tension to resolve itself: pull reality toward the vision or pull the vision toward reality."

??

"we fight against what is. we are not so much drawn to what we want to create as we are repelled by what we have, from our current reality."

ok ...

"you see, "it's not what the vision is, it's what the vision does. truly creative people use the gap between vision and current reality to generate energy for change ... without constraints there is no creating."

ah. so this is my problem. i live in l.a. it's dynamic ... known for it's creativity.

but i'm a business kind-of gal. some may say that i take myself and life too seriously. i've never really seen that as a negative thing. why? because i get things done. i loved my blackberry for this very reason ... it validated my seriousness. it almost gave me a reason to be all business, all the time. i actually felt like i had permission to be perpetually professional. sickening right?

but i live in l.a. and because of this, i would go to bed at night praying for opportunities to explore my own creative side. i no longer felt content being all business in this bohemian world ... what, with all the filmmakers, artists, musicians ...

so i caved.

i purchased my iPhone. why? because it made me at least look like i was a creative behind my business suit (and consequently ... i started acting like one)

the fact is ... i'm not really a fun person. well, at least not naturally. i would prefer a good meeting or conference over a night out on the town. but this little device has made manifest my alter-ego. and i proudly admit to shutting my office door and having a few fights with my light saber that have been known to defeat the thick aura of stodginess around my desk.

and the best part? it has even, on occasion, cleared the air long enough for me to embrace this little gap that senge talks about and create something beyond my wildest imagination.

so, yes. perhaps this is a little far fetched. perhaps the invention of the iPhone isn't going to bring life to the business people like me across the world. but it gave me an excuse to let loose and explore the possibilities within the tension between the life i have and the life i dream of.

so what feeds your creative side?

you should know what all this make-over business is about.

we know yesterday's sudden hair change was fueled by a growing anxiety for some visible transformation to take place in the world around me. so today i am following up by explaining not only the developing look of my blog (which is far from finished) but also the unveiling of a state of mind.

my current reality is full of complexities ... much like yours.

i have a past. i have a present. and i have a future. the problem with me is that my past has conditioned me to believe that what lies ahead is not for me. these memories and reiteration of words and actions from years ago, however, have also been my motivation for pushing forward against all odds and towards a life even i thought was impossible. thus, creating new realities and possibilities.

what has come to be is not necessarily a collision (as i once thought) but a state of being. if i refer to the dreams i had five years ago, where i am today is what i would have considered then to be right in the middle of all the action.

in the middle of the life i had only dreamed to have.

and just as this life has come to be through imagination and desperate pursuit, i hope to have the same reflection in another five years of the dreams i hold today of a life that could be mine then.

so why in medias res?
in medias res, also medias in res (latin for "into the middle of things"), is a literary and artistic technique where the narrative starts in the middle of the story instead of from its beginning (ab ovo or ab initio). the characters, setting, and conflict are often introduced through a series of flashbacks or through characters relating past events to each other.

that's why. i'm not sure there is a better way to start telling my story than from where i am now. it's perfect for someone like me who tends to dream big but often allows her past to dictate the way in which she attains her wildest dreams.

so. while i will spend some time from this point forward going back in time to describe what led to my current reality, my primary objective is to document today. because, i'm starting to realize, there is little time for dwelling on the past when a greater future is waiting to be created.

so i did it.

i finally got tired enough of the unseasonably high temperatures and decided to usher in fall (despite what the weather man says) with the quintessential change of hair color to match the darker months of the year.

i'll be honest. i've had a dreadful attitude for the past few months (some would argue it has been a bit closer to 25 years, but in the interest of time and for the sake of this conversation, let's keep it at a few months). i've complained, almost daily, that fall has yet to come to southern california. my poor boyfriend has the unfortunate task of trying to find every street in l.a. that may actually have trees on it that have turned any shade of orange, red or yellow just to keep me from whining. he even took me to a pumpkin patch the day after halloween and consoled me when i started crying after finding out it had already been shut down (yes. it has gotten that bad. i cried like a 6 year old - no offense to those of you with children who are more emotionally intelligent than i - when i found out that my only hope for discovering remnants of fall was closed with a giant padlock).

it's ok for you to lose respect for me at this point. but for those of you who are from a part of this country where fall brings colors that you can not even describe and air that is so crisp you can't seem to breathe enough ... you may be able to empathize.

fall is an excuse. well, at the very least, it's my excuse. an excuse to change ... to embrace something new. an excuse to buy a new shirt or get a new hairdo or spend more time outside with ymy favorite hot beverage and simply relish in the beauty that surrounds me.

it's my favorite season. but i had to sacrifice it in order to live in the center of the life i have now. which, in the big scheme of things, doesn't seem all that traumatizing.

so instead of moping around and waiting for everything else to change so that i feel i have permission to do the same ... i decided to pay a whopping $11.43 for my auburn hair color and move on with my life ...

to be continued

the remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. we hate others when we hate ourselves. we are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. we forgive others when we forgive ourselves. we are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves.
Eric Hoffer

my goal for the weekend ... to be tolerant. to forgive. to sacrifice. to love.

i have a lot to learn.

a lot.

and as much as i like to think i have it together, i am surprised at how much i've been learning from other people ... about things that i should already know. like being a good friend or be a gracious giver or helping someone out simply because it looks like they need an extra hand.

i have a friend from my masters program that overnighted a book to me so that i could have it for my first week of class. not only did she look high and low to find the book in her closet, but she didn't charge me AND made sure i had it in time.

i started to realize that my actions would not have been so gracious. i would have had the best of intentions, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to go the extra mile.

and i hate that.

i hate that it wouldn't have occurred to me and i hate that i wouldn't have kept trying to find a why to make it work so that someone else didn't have had to worry about it.

i learned from brandy this week. i learned how i could become a better person because of her generosity and thoughtfulness. and, more importantly, it revealed my natural inclination towards pessimism, for which i am not fond.

so here's to becoming a person of gratitude ... for the things that were, for the things that are and for the things yet to come.

A great charity in Nashville, Soles4Souls, is trying to get
money to buy 50,000 pairs of shoes raised in 50 days...

The cool thing is only $5 buys 2 pairs of shoes!!

It takes under 2 minutes to donate and only three clicks – super easy!

So if you think this is something you can do...five bucks, three
clicks, two minutes = two pairs of shoes to someone in need, just
visit http://www.50000shoes.com.

More importantly, this can only happen if we spread the word...so
please forward this on to anyone you know...the people you work with,
your mom, whoever!! Just keep the email love going!

All donations are tax deductible of course. You can read the official
press release here:
http://www.forbes.com/prnewswire/feeds/prnewswire/2008/11/07/prnewswire200811071100PR_NEWS_USPR_____CLF039.html

Oh, and one person who donated will win a trip to Mexico to hand
deliver the shoes they bought to someone who has never owned shoes
before. Could you imagine giving someone their very first pair of
shoes?

Thanks for all your support! This is just one of many ways we can change the world this year :)

i've never had money. let's just get that out in the open right now.

and because i've never really had money, i learned to budget from an early age. i learned to save, not spend outside of my means (for the most part) and shy away from debt ... of any kind.

but i've been strapped lately (who hasn't??). which means i'm stressed. really stressed. i had all these beautiful financial goals and plans and then my car needed to be fixed and unexpected bills crept up.

now, let's not get over dramatic here ... i'm not starving (entirely) and i'm not living on the streets (yet). there are people who are WAY worse off than i and i sympathize. but the only thing i can think of right now is complete financial freedom. and all the "what ifs" that are associated with ... "if i only had money ..."

so here are some thoughts that i thought i'd share with you as i stare at my bank account and negotiate my salary this week: (by the way, i'm repeating them over and over in my head to ensure i don't set myself up for further failure)

don't fall in love with your money.
don't fall in love with what you're money gets you.
don't fall in love with what your money protects you from.
and with the money you DO have ... take it all and use it to pursue your dreams.

so about those "what ifs"? what would i do if i were financially free? would i be as adamant about pursuing my dreams by allocating my funds as conservatively? or would i blow it thinking, "oh, there's more where that came from if the opportunity presented itself."

hmmm.

i wanted to post a blog yesterday about why i voted for barrack obama.

i wanted to tell you about the soul searching that took place and the inspiration i found from his values and ideals for this nation ... for me as a citizen.

i wanted to talk about voting, for the first time, for what i believe in and not what i am supposed to believe in as a kansas native and of republican heritage.

today, i wanted to say how proud i am that america voted for a black man to lead our nation. i wanted to say how blessed i feel to be a part of a nation that chose not to allow our past to proceed us and define who we are to become.

but instead, i have to say this ...

we have a long way to go.

the juxtaposition of the election of a black man and the overwhelming response to the homosexual community, tells me that we have not completely overcome our lineage of discrimination.

i believe that this country was founded on the basic principles that every citizen is entitled to the rights outlined in the constitution. i believe in a God that loves everyone, no matter where they are or what decisions they make. i believe in a future that, not only tolerates people who are different from ourselves, but embraces them for who they are.

my past tells me that my Jesus fish and an obama sticker don't belong next to each other on the back of my car. who i was, would say that it is my responsibility to cast a vote to legalize the behavior that i have chosen for myself so that others will have to follow suit.

who i am becoming, however, has to believe in the freedom of choice. because, in my mind, everyone matters ... christian or muslim or atheist ... black or white or brown ... republican or democrat or libertarian ... young or old ... rich or poor ...

and, by the way. for those of you who are in shambles about this election, i can offer sincere hope for you as well. God is bigger than this election and, contrary to popular belief, bigger than this country. we're going to be ok.

i've been thinking a lot about the concept of community in the past four months.

much has happened that has triggered past hurts because of unhealthy community and present fears (and doubts) about living in authentic community.

i'd like to say that i've contributed to the nourishment of the community in which i am currently living, but i can't. i've been terribly destructive. and it's all because i'm not sure i can risk it all for the sake of other people.

you see, what i'm learning about living in real. genuine. healthy community. is that you take the good with the bad. you get to celebrate in community when things go well for someone (or for yourself). you have the privilege of being a part of the victory and success.

but what i'm also realizing (and quite honestly, struggling with), is that you also have to live with the consequences of people in your community who make poor decisions. this one's a hard one for me.

i want to see people thrive. i want more than anything to see people make decisions that will increase their desire for life and maximize their own potential.

but the most painful thing i've experienced, is watching other people make decisions for their lives based out of fear that there may not be anything better. decisions that cause them to settle and not take risks. decisions that i would have made a few years ago if my situation was only a little different.

you know what i think about?

why me? why was i spared? was it because i wouldn't have been strong enough to survive otherwise? was it because i was supposed to be doing something more significant with my life after being released from the captivity of my own choices?

all of these questions are important to me. as are the people in my life who i have committed to love and serve without question.

because that is, after all, the caveat to community right? that when i make choices that hurt me, the same hands will be there to guide me through the pain ... even when it was not their's to bear.