"we have the power to choose moment by moment who and how we want to be in the world." neuroanatomist jill bolte taylor

so that's where i am this monday. fully aware that i have a choice about who and how i want to be in this world according to Who i believe in and how He expects me to live.

mondays are great because it's a fresh start. it's almost like new year's day when you can make promises to yourself about the "new you" that will soon emerge from twinkie wrappers and into the locker room of the nearest Y.

so today i'm choosing to look at my current situation from a new perspective ... not sure if it'll last through the week, but that's my goal. i'm going to work out four times this week instead of the three times from last week. i will surround myself with possibilities, faith, hope and love and with a desire that they will penetrate my defeated heart.

today i will choose wisely ...

i was telling my roommate about my workplace woes last night and i kept hearing myself say, "ugh ... they have so much potential. this could be a really great job for me if they would just actualize the potential they have ..."

she said, "that's the shadow side of your maximizer strength."

even passion and a desire for something better can be detrimental, apparently.

now if i could just figure out how to walk away from this place without feeling like i'm giving up on an opportunity to make an impact.

or, better yet, if i could just figure out how to walk away knowing that i wasn't the right person to bring the change that i saw so clearly. this would be the perfect opportunity to believe the lie that i am not good enough ...

my how innovative the Enemy is with dangling that in my face.

so i have a confession to make.

i was looking through a ... (ahem) better homes and gardens magazine ... yes ... and actually found myself excited about the recipes and fun organizing tips. (GASP!!!)

this newfound domestic tranquility on my train ride to work yesterday, sent me in a complete downhill mental spiral about life, marriage and being a woman this morning.

i've never been the stay-at-home type. i have friends who are great at it and enjoy it ... but, let's be honest, it was never for me. growing up in kansas made it difficult for me to feel like a "real" woman because of my "alpha male" mentality. and, again, i have to admit that, as my counterparts went to their extreme of adopting the "female" role ... i went to the other extreme so as not to be associated with anything "feminine."

i want a career. a good one. hmmm ... let's be more specific ... i want to run a company that will change the world. i want to travel and take as many opportunities to make myself as aware of the world around me as possible.

i remember being told by my not-so-friendly "friends" (who loved magazines like BHG) that i was less of a woman for not wanting children. that i would never find a guy that would tolerate, much less accommodate my ambitions.

well folks. they were right.

i've come to find that marriage isn't for "guys" lacking the maturity to nurture the creativity, talent and passion of their female partners. it takes a strong and loving man (and large doses of God's intervention) to make someone like me feel more confident about my new desire to cook a meal or two every month (ha) and decorate a home worth opening to anyone who needs it.

so today i'm redefining (again) what being a woman looks like ... to me. i'm redefining the tainted church word "submissive." and i'm not running as quickly from the idea that marriage is the first step to a life-long suffocation of childhood dreams.

this is proof folks that God is WAY more powerful than we often acknowledge.

so here's to vince ... for making me less ashamed to say that i may someday enjoy cooking ... occasionally ... and maybe even enjoy some of those other traditional traits ... occasionally ... because ... well ... i kind-of like you. and sometimes i do nice things for people i like ;)

it is a rare occasion to meet someone for the first time and know instantly that they are going to be a part of creating a better future for all of us.

when i first met danielle bennett, she struck me with her confidence and bubbling enthusiasm. anyone who can capture the attention of an entire coffee shop during finals week (without being terrorized) should be admired. as her voice rang clearly throughout the trendy establishment, i watched the unassuming catch a glimpse of the vision that pries her eyes open each morning and fuels her for the revolution that is building inside of her.

a few weeks ago, she did it again. this time to a room full of USC students who sat on the floor of a classroom, listening to original music and taking in the creativity of their peers. her voice penetrated the room with an authority that begged all of us to listen more carefully to the cries of our own souls.

since you couldn't be there to hear her live, spoken version ...
Revolution

Contradiction is the key to change;
Passionate convictions rubbing against the grain
to gain progress
Like the civil rights weren't right
until another direction rose up and wrote their own destiny.
Like politics and pride pushed on a war,
but a roar pushed back from the children of the sixties.
What is it with those hippies?
We're quick to revert to the retro, flower power, free flowin' love,
but there might be more to speak of...
Now doing dope and drug dealing--
not exactly the best way
to numb the feeling of hopelessness.
But their gentle sway, yearning voices,
and desperate march made
a stark contrast to the darkness.
Bob Dylan, John Lennon, Janis Joplin,
simply singin' about the world they lived in.
Peeling back two fingers from the fighting fist
in pursuit of peace
Better to be starving on the streets
than a slave to the suit
They might have missed a note or two--
Forgetting justice is just as important as
seeking the truth.
But they hit the right chord by concluding
that complaining won't change the world's course
and that living the life they longed for
would be a fiercer force.
Is this what draws us in?
Makes us drop our jaws because we could have been
so bold?
We could be the story told
in years to come--
A radical generation living the solution
Feeding the fire of an irresistible revolution.

my life is changing every day.

i am constantly reminded that this life in l.a. is so much more than i could have dreamed in the days when i was in kansas ... praying that God would push me to go somewhere i felt more alive ... more free.

there are days when i have to pinch myself and wonder if i'm really in this place, living the life i just assumed was for someone else. someone more bold and adventurous. someone who had prayed harder or believed with a deeper faith than i.

this is it ... this is the life i prayed for in my desperation. this is the life i promised to nurture and take care of and share with others.

there are still pieces of me that wonder about kansas. i wonder if i will ever really feel comfortable being in the place that both shaped me into the person i am today and brought me to my knees in pain.

my grandparents are moving today into a brand new house. thoughts of nostalgia are almost faint as i try to bring them back to the forefront of my mind in the midst of all the changes happening here and back home. i almost feel guilty and selfish for being excited about my life here when each day that passes seems to my past farther away in my mind.

maybe that's what happens as you get older. people move on, they grow up, they start new traditions and families that will serve their own life cycle. but in the midst of all these shifts, i can't help but shake the innocence and security of my past as i curled up next my brother and grandparents on the couch during a late night ice cream and a movie session. i felt like a princess there. i was pampered and fed all the pop and peanut m&ms a girl could want. i got to wear makeup and twirl around in new clothes after a shopping outing. (yes folks, i once owned the fact that i was a girly girl). i drew pictures for mom because i would start to miss her on our weekends away. i had barbie dolls there and ceramics to paint. mom had taught me about Jesus and i thought about Him all the time there ... wondering if this is what heaven would be like.

i guess that's why my parents want grandchildren so badly :)

i'm beginning to realize, however, that all of the beauty i felt in that home is what i feel when vince's arms are around me. it's what i feel when i'm sitting on the train and wearing my favorite outfit to work. it's what i feel when i'm sitting in india at a coffee shop and watching a group of kids laughing and playing ball on the street. i feel it when i watch people leave their shoes on the stage at the mayan for someone they don't even know who lives under a bridge down the street. and i feel it right now as i realize He's been pursuing me all along.

that house provided a shelter for me process what God has been trying to tell me since i was a little girl ... that i'm worth loving and pursuing. that i'm beautiful. and no matter what may be sold or relocated or forgotten of my past, there is a history of moments when i know things were as they should be. and without them, i would have no way of knowing that today ... i'm where i'm supposed to be.

so here's to 1512 bluespruce ...

i got off the plane last week after my three week stint in asia and went directly to mosaic's 7 p.m. gathering downtown. i of course tried to look as cute as possible since i hadn't seen vince for so long and was actually quite impressed with how well my outfit held up after the 11 hour plane ride.

i bought my shirt in india, was adorned with my latest jewelry finds and carried a handy little bag i bartered for in beijing. and my shoes ... the shoes that had been with me every day of my journey through india and now safely on my feet again.

the only seats available at the mayan were in the front row, so vince and i made i way and plopped down next to each other excited to be back in the same country together. at one point in the service he looked at my feet and said, "i like your shoes. they're cute." i smiled at him and thought to myself, "of course they're cute! who do you think i am!"

towards the end of the service erwin came out to say a few things ... with no shoes. he began to talk about a vision he had that our community would be one of sacrificial giving ... one that embraced humanity and met their basic needs. he said ... wouldn't it be great if the movement began with all of us leaving this place and walking around downtown barefooted? for a movement of love to be traced back to a day when hundreds of people dared to step into a city without their shoes in order to serve the needs of their neighbors.

i'm confused.

maybe it was the jet lag ... maybe my ears hadn't popped all the way from the plane. did he just ask us to give up our shoes?

one by one, people dropped their shoes on the steps where i was resting my feet.


well crap. i'm in the front row AND i serve in leadership there ... it's going to be WAY obvious if i don't participate.

but i knew it was bigger than that. i knew that this was only the beginning of a movement that would impact the city of los angeles. i knew that someone else would feel the power of the nations through the shoes i had just walked around the world in.

how great that we were all called to make a difference that day. that we were given the opportunity to make an impact on those around us without making a sound.

i realized, in that moment, that reconnecting with my soul meant getting rid of the soles i had.

i could say so much about my three week trip on the other side of the earth.

but i figured i would spare you (and myself) of the existential details and focus more on the movement that has taken place, both in my heart and in those countries that may just lead to a revolution of sorts.

when i decided to go on this trip last year, i was full of anticipation to absorb a new culture and be filled with inspiration. what i found, was that there was a lot of work to be done and i happened to be placed in a position to contribute ... at least for a few weeks.

as i prepared for the trip this year, i knew exactly what i was getting into (at least in india). i knew their economic status and the massive paradigm shift that is occurring in their nation. i knew the dichotomy that i would face moving from a western to eastern mindset. and i knew that the students i would interact with would be looking to me for answers ... and it would be my responsibility to provide an answer ... whether i had one or not.

so my approach was a bit different this time. i went to continue the conversation that started last year. i had a great desire to bring encouragement and hope to those who were actively seeking solutions to contribute to the development of their country.

it was beautifully dynamic.

i can't tell you how fast my heart raced as i listened to these student leaders talk about the social issues they were tackling. i sat in front of them in awe that they were being so intentional with their resources as educated individuals. we broke down barriers of what they perceive america to be like ... full of prosperity and few problems. i then reminded them that we're all desperate for something greater than what exists here ... i redirected them to the issues our media is so quick to brush under the rug like homelessness, AIDS, child pornography, the sex trade, illiteracy, depression, violence ... the list goes on with the social problems in the states. but they never hear about those (well, except for school shootings). they see us as the nation that has it all together.

sounds vaguely familiar. that innocent perspective revealed my biggest fear ...

not only are we, as a nation, far from having it all together, but i am mirroring the cultural arrogance of my country. which means ... i had to admit that i don't have it all figured out either.

we all sat together in lecture halls discussing issues that mattered most to us. we grappled with the harsh reality that we seem so small in comparison to the problems we're trying to solve. but at the end of each discussion, there was a sense of unity. a sense that we were all in this together ... for the first time ... not us and them, but we ... together ... catalyzing change as global citizens.

i see such a profound opportunity for people of my generation to step forward and offer our resources in order to provide others with a better chance at life. we're the first generation to have so much information and ways of connecting to world at our disposal. i watch as my friends in developing countries try to strategies ways to develop without increasing the numbers of the oppressed. then i compare this mentality to a country like china, where they are growing so quickly, have so much momentum and power, that survival means simply keeping up.

such a stark contrast.

then there is me ... from a nation who hasn't battled for their spot on the world map for quite some time ... feeling quite comfortable until i realize that, again, maybe there is more.

maybe, just maybe, we can learn a thing or two from our friends overseas.

passion was renewed in me. i saw possibility and opportunity that i felt hand-picked for. and for the first time in a long time, i felt a part of something much greater than myself.

if only we would believe we were made for this ... where our own inhibitions and insecurities are stripped from us in moments when we have not choice but to rise to the occasion and be a part of a conversation that will change the course of history.

well everyone. apparently our communist friends in the chinese government don't like blogging, so i wasn't able to access blogspot for over a week ... thus my long absence and probably welcomed silence :)

i have to say, i'm proud to be a part of a country with such diversity. AND it's great to be home and surrounded by people who speak my language (there will probably be more on that in another blog). for now, however, i'm back in the states trying to regain my bearings after skipping a day while flying over the ocean. gotta love that.

does anyone know what time it is?