Thursday, May 31, 2007

I've always been one to rock the boat a little ... ok a lot.

I've also been known to be a bit ambitious, passionate, and at times maybe too aggressive.

But as I was sitting in a hotel room last week ... alone (that was for dramatic effect), I realized how stinkin' exhausted I was. I mean, here I was in the middle of no man's land and 24 years worth of comments started rushing through my brain! How annoying. I picked up the phone and called Cliff in hopes that talking would get my mind off of real issues (which we end up talking about anyway). That's what friends are for right?

He didn't fail me.

With each sob story about how hard it is to survive in this world (envision close camera angle on my face and soap opera music in the background), he gave me a friendly "uh-huh" until I felt I had justified my reason for feeling sorry for myself. And of course I ended each sentence with my usual, "but I'll get over it. just give me a few hours." (putting my hand to my forehead ... naturally)

Then ... he asks, "what are you trying to prove?" (music screeches to a halt)

Geez. Throw me a bone here ... I'm obviously trying to feel sorry for myself, not deconstruct my thought process from the past 24 years.

So I thought about it (ha) And in my mind I actually answered the question automatically: I'm trying to prove that I'm more than what meets the eye. I'm more complicated than the runway model my family wanted me to be, more intelligent than middle school teachers thought and definitely strong enough to stand up to another man who treats me disrespectfully. What ended up coming out was (in lu of my brother's graduation and incredible accolades): I'm trying to prove something to my family, I guess.

"are they even paying attention to you?"

Crap.

No. And why would they? They already have me in their minds where they want me. Anything I do on top of that isn't extra credit. I'm running in 2 billion different directions trying to figure out where I can surprise people ... where I can prove that I'm more than an object.

The fortunate truth is that not everyone sees us like those who have created emotional scars in our lives. In fact the handful of people who actually think that of us, most-likely don't think of us as often as we think of proving them wrong. More importantly, they stopped getting to really know you way back when too.

Not everyone sees us with such a limited perspective and they are waiting patiently on the side-lines for us to get a grip and contribute all our energies into that which we were created for.

(cue upbeat music as girl gets off of hotel bed - waded up tissues falling to the ground)

So this is what I'm aiming for: being intentional about choosing the place where I am most alive and pouring everything I am into it.

I'm not fooling myself (or trying to fool you) that I won't have my hands in more than one project ... Arranger and Achiever are in my top 5 on the Strengths Finder, so the madness isn't going to stop. But the pressure to try and prove myself will hopefully diminish as well as my fear of admitting when things are difficult (no matter how strong I want you to think I am).

Question: How do you stay focused on being you?

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.
Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.
Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.
We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push us in the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

Sir Francis Drake, 1577

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

i watched a star twinkle. i watched it explode in the night sky.

among all the stars, it shone the brightest.

i wonder how often i miss the moments where others are exploding with wonder and beauty becaue i'm focused on the entire universe and its complexity. hoping. waiting. expecting to see something at first glance.

is this the reason i continue to hit breaking points where i feel overwhelmed with the vastness of this life and its possibilities?

for those of you who don't know, this is where i live. the thriving metropolis of los angeles, caifornia.



and this is where i'm from (well, at least the parts i appreciate about where i'm from having lived in l.a. for almost a year)



after a very short visit back to the heartland for my brother's graduation, stillness swept over me like the plague. i had no idea how exhausted i was until i hit midwest soil. the sounds and smells calmed me instantly and put me in a meditative state. the silence was almost irritating as my own thoughts made their way to the surface.

there are moments in my journey where i do nothing more than simply survive. where the craziness of big-city life becomes my natural form of interacting with myself and everyone else. i get so caught up in ideas and progression ... in innovation and trailblazing that i forget the importance of focus and committing to those ideas.

i see so many opportunities on the horizon. i see adventure and excitement that i want to be a part of. but i get to these moments where i feel like i'm extremely involved but not really committed to anything. i like to keep my options open. you know, just in case.

but that's starting to wear me out. i want to declare a niche. i want to find my unique way of contributing to the big picture. and stick with it.

going back to the stars. i was caught up in the mystery and brilliance of this little star. the obvious brightness of the moon and jupiter nearly blinded my peripheral vision, but i was drawn to this twinkling mystery. there was something about this star that i wished i could identify with. something about this star that i almost wish was me ... waiting patiently for the chance to step into a moment that will touch someone's soul.

out of all the stars in the universe that night, the twinkling wonder, in its joyous celebration of who it is, made an l.a. girl from kansas remember where she's from and where she's going.

question: what if everyone in the world committed to being agents of change where they are instead of trying to take their ideas all over the world? would more actually get done? because i don't know.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

So here's the scene:

Your brother just received his degree in Mechanical Engineering from the University of Kansas with the highest honors while wowing the crowd with his eloquent words as this year's emcee. Imagine the feelings of pride and inspiration you feel as you watch your little brother walk across the stage embracing the top academics in a moment of gratitude for their participation in his accomplishments. You too are feeling fortunate to be a part of this emering leader's life. And then ...





What's your reaction? Your intial gut reaction?

These guys are extremely intelligent. This is a major liberal university in a conservative state. They know their message will create a wake among both the convservative and the liberal populations. It's a lesson in viral marketing for sure as they had everyone engaged and talking about their "brand" instantly.

The focus was immediately taken away from my brother. As I was calming my cousin down (a soldier who just returned from his Iraq tour), I began to understand the reason for his anger. He fought for and lost friends so that these individuals would have the freedom to voice their opinion. And in his mind, they were abusing a priveledge that others had sacrificed on behalf of.

As this was going down, my mom, dad and uncle were surrounding the ring leader, quoting Scripture and engaging in a heated theological debate. My reaction to this side-show sent me into a whirlwind of emotions. I was embarrassed. And then I felt guilty for being embarrassed about the fact that they were standing up for something I used to be so passionate about defending. I then felt certain that this was not the context in which this battle should be fought. I became very aware, within that 30 second internal dialogue, that when we have an agenda to change others, others won't change.

The protestors woke up with an agenda: to ruffle some feathers.
My family approached them with an agenda: to tell them they were wrong – according to Scripture.

Real conversation don't errupt from this kind of exchange (mainly because it's not an exchange).

Worst of all, those who didn't agree with the protestors, but didn't have a reason to "prove" them wrong, were left alone on the outside of the conflict, watching as a war broke out in a place that they were certain was meant for celebration and victory.

The truth is, the world is full of opinions, full of passionate individuals who will fight for just about anything. All the more reason for us to be certain of what we're willing to fight for at a moment where you may have influence on what others care about.

I'm curious:
How are you contributing to the growth of future generations?
What do people hear you saying?
Who are you influencing?
Do you create opportunities where even your "enemies" are open to conversations with you?

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I've hit some sort of milestone.

I paid someone to come clean my house.

Yes.

This either means I realize that I can't do everything in the minimal 24 hours in a day, that I've made it big or that I'm ridiculously lazy.

I don't really care which one it is at this point because my house looks amazing and I didn't even break a sweat or gag!! I actually stayed in all night AND had a phone conversation while sitting on my kitchen floor (which, before today, I only walked across with flip-flops guarding my feet).

What's next? Laundry? Maybe.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


Their music is still seeping through my veins and creating a little revolution in my soul ...

When I see people doing something really well, I mean something truly unique and inherent to who they are, I am aware of what us marketers work so hard to do every day. They have created something worth talking about. They've created an authentic brand ... and an organic culture around that message. These guys are phenomenal musicians and those who don't understand the complexity of creating music like the old jazz greats or the then "innovative" BEATLES would never really appreciate this band. And they know that. They may never top the charts because not everyone will get them. They're not trying to be everything to everyone. They have a loyal following and, within that niche, they've created fanatics for their product through a viral form of marketing. What they've done is invite people into a conversation ... about them. And at the same time, connect people with what they crave for their own lives.

Then I thought, will I ever stop taking marketing lessons from every aspect of my life? Will it ever get old for me to talk about creating authentic brands or seeking opportunities to market people/products that I believe in? Will I ever stop being this nerdy?

Nope.

And I'm ok with that.

Thanks to Until June for their performance Sunday at the Awaken Humanity Music Festival ... Daniel, you're humility changed my life. Dan, thanks for the sarcasm ... great first impression! :)

Thanks to Reeve Carney & the Revolving Band for creating a space in a little bar in L.A. for me to feel like I was a part of a spiritual uprising. Your raw talent and passion was a pure example of what living in your sweet spot looks like. Thanks for starting the conversation ...

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

I’m right where I need to be.
I’m incredibly fortunate to be a part of the Mosaic community.
I have to understand that people's levels of adaptability differs from my own.
People from New Zealand call themselves ‘kiwis’
I really miss hugs from father-figures.
I’m unique.
I’m talented.
I’m surrounded by people who know that they’re unique and talented.
I’m a dreamer.
I’m a fighter.
After six days straight of intense social interaction, I become exhausted (yes, even with woo).
I’m still trying to figure out what my unique contribution to the movement of Christ is.
I’m still trying to learn more about Him.
God is moving all over the world in ways I’ve never dreamed.
I hold people to my level of expectations … which sucks.
If we are consistent, but not strategic, then we’re just consistently unstrategic.
We get what we tolerate.
Our companies, our relationships, and our lives are mirrors accurately reflecting us back to ourselves.
We need to change what people are about, not what they believe.
The change I desire will only begin when I decide to be a part of the solution.

Monday, May 7, 2007

sometimes we just need to let it all out.
sometimes we have no idea what we're doing or where we're going.
sometimes we think we have it all figured out and then ...

sometimes we need to paint our nails.

yep.

tonight i made myself dinner. it was amazing.
i opened all the windows and let the warm breeze bring a scent of the ocean into my living room.
i watched a few Friends episodes and then decided it was time.
i dug through a hidden box and found an assortment of colors for my neglected nails. choosing oh-so-carefully my evening chick flick, i walked back to my bed, popped in Mona Lisa Smile and began to paint. fitting for the movie and quite liberating.

it's interesting what a few coats of nail polish will do for a woman. i instantly felt incredibly feminine and surprisingly beautiful. a sense of tradition swept over me as if i were carrying on a legacy by putting the deep crimson paint on the tips of my fingers. it's as if i went back to a time when women were twirled around on a dance floor, poised and articulate while, at the same time, redefining gender roles. one by one stepping out to pave the way for girls like me to sit without guilt that i'm doing the same for future generations.

"look beyond the paint. let us try to open our minds to a new idea." MLS

i couldn't help but think, as tears ran down my face, that the choices i make are in hopes that i am making a difference. this past week was exhausting and sometimes i wonder how long i'll be able to move forward on my own. sometimes i wonder if the sacrifices are worth the unknown outcome. sometimes i crave romance and to be treated like a lady ... to be pursued. and then i wonder, if i hadn't painted my nails tonight, would i even remember that there is a part of me that still believes someone out there wants to protect, love and support me in this adventure i've already begun.

either way, i go to bed tonight open to new ideas and dreams.

tonight, i go to bed a bit more hopeful than when i woke this morning.