i've been sitting in the starbucks on 6th and grand for a little more than an hour now. my goal was to have been well on my way to achieving a solid momentum in writing the remainder of my thesis today but things are not looking hopeful.

this thesis has caused me to think about so many things that i have disregarded, mainly because they seem a bit too complex for a normal day's worth of contemplation. so as many prepare to celebrate with their families today ... i write.

my little table in the corner is covered with papers, books and, of course, my macbook and coffee. i watch the cars go by with people in their business attire and wonder if they're dreading the next 8 hours of their day or if they're happy to have an excuse not to stay home and clean for guests tonight. then i see people in the office building next to me that are pounding away on their computers, probably trying desperately to finish their workload so they can go home early, while others seem completely un-phased that today is christmas eve. i live in a city with a heavy jewish population, so that could explain the nonchalance of some faces, but still ... there is a strong sense of unrest in the city today.

i'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to go home this weekend. to help my mom make her famous peanut butter cups and dip anything we could find in the kitchen in an endless bowl of chocolate. to see my little sister (who, by the way, is not so little anymore) try on winter formal dresses and get stressed about the perfect shoes for her new outfit. to see the excitement on my grandma's face as she showed me each corner of their new home that she has adorned in christmas decorations. to see my other grandparents laughing at their kitchen table as they recounted stories from the past week of grandma's recovery from eye surgery. and to see my best friend a week away from being full-term with her first child and her emphatically impatient husband who thinks it's ridiculous that he may have to wait a few more weeks to meet his son.

christmas has always been my favorite holiday. everything looks beautiful. the lights, the smells, the cool weather and the laughter of family and friends. and while this year has been a bit different from all the years past, i am thrilled to have had the best of both worlds this season: the joys of past memories and the reality of the future i am creating for myself here ... in l.a.

i'm excited to share my mom's tradition of delicious baked goods and my grandma's attention to aesthetic detail with her gift wrapping with vince's family and friends tonight. and as i muster up the creative energy to move forward with my thesis today, i will remember how blessed i am to have celebrated my favorite time of year with everyone i love.

merry christmas everyone!

this morning was a bit rough.

the freeway i take to get to work was a complete mess. apparently a big rig from the other side of the road crashed through the cement barriers and onto our side of the road. it's probably safe to say that the people involved in that incident had a far worse morning, but i still found it necessary to be frustrated.

when i finally made it into work, i went through my routine of checking blogs, news websites, emails and facebook.

a few other elements were adding to my already pitiful morning ... like the stress of a final exam this evening (for which i am only mildly prepared), 20 more pages of my thesis that have yet to be written and are looming over my head, christmas shopping that has yet to be completed (with ever depleting funds to work with), my departure at 6:45 a.m. for kansas in which i will spend 3 days absorbing the holiday goodness of my childhood without actually being there for christmas (all thanks to the necessity of finishing my degree) ...

things are just mounting. emotionally. physically. socially.

not as much as they have in the past ... but i certainly had my moment for a few hours this morning.

until ...

i found out that a girl i went to high school with who has two young children, died yesterday of an anuerism. she had a headache and then ...

just.like.that.

gone.

no warning. no goodbyes. no preparation.

just.gone.

suddenly, everything else in my life seemed petty when i thought of her boyfriend and her two little boys and how their morning must have been. so, despite my bad start, i'm determined to end today well. for her. for everyone who won't be given the chance to say goodnight this evening to those they love.

i think it has already snowed twice this season back home.

i;'ve been jealous.

real jealous.

while all my friends were facebooking that the christmas weather had hit their front yards, i was walking around southern california, growing increasingly more irritable that people had the audacity to play christmas music in their stores when it was 80 degrees outside.

until yesterday.

the rain began to pour and the temperatures dropped significantly.

i was freezing. wet. and feeling rather cheerful considering the conditions. it wasn't what i was hoping for in terms of seasonal weather, but it would do!

and today ... we have the byproduct of that rain and the cooler temperatures. behold, the view from my office window ...

let it snow let it snow let it snow (even if it's just on the mountains). you may proceed with your christmas music ...

in a desperate attempt to finish my thesis, i have come across information that i seemed to have overlooked (or completely skipped) in one of my earlier classes.

i'm currently working on a section that analyzes a leadership scenario through peter senge's learning organization model. and i came across a tidbit of information while reviewing his book (the fifth discipline) that i seemed to have missed ...

"a more daunting form of resistance is cynicism." - [my number one talent]

"in combating cynicism, it helps to know its source. scratch the surface of most cynics and you find a frustrated idealist - someone who made the mistake of converting ideals into expectations. for example, many of those cynical about *personal mastery once held high ideals about people. then they found themselves disappointed, hurt, and eventually embittered because people fell short of their ideals."

does this resonate with anyone else but me? this nearly made me collapse this morning when i was highlighting portions that i wanted to make sure i added to my thesis. why was this not highlighted before? i seriously must have skipped this chapter. or maybe it was meant to be that i spent time reading it today ... because it probably wouldn't have been as relevant. (btw, this happens a lot with me as i live in a very creative city, with a lot of people who don't value structure ... something i find crucial to existence as an ENTJ)

he continues ...

"o'brien used to point out that burnout does not just come from working too hard. there are teachers, social workers, and clergy who work incredibly hard until they are 80 years old and never suffer 'burnout' - because they have an accurate view of human nature, of our potential and limitations. they don't over-romanticize people, so they don't feel the great psychological stress when people let them down."

i still don't feel like this excuses mediocrity. nor do i feel like i will ever get to a point where i don't have a value for excellence and efficiency. but it does make me more aware of the expectations i put on other people who don't share the same set of values. and it places the responsibility back on me to make sure i am continually learning how to see my current reality more clearly.

here's my struggle, however: what about those who are leading me? shouldn't i expect more of them? shouldn't i desire that they are more "together" - not perfect - but certainly not average? and worse, what about the expectations i hold of myself as a leader? will i ever be able to give myself a break and realize my own limitations?


*personal mastery is the phrase we use for the discipline of personal growth and learning. people with high levels of personal mastery are continually expanding their ability to create the results in life they truly seek.

i like to explore.

usually that manifests itself in the form of travel, but today ... i think i'll flesh it out through an emotion ...

love.

(you know this is going to be good)

yesterday, while i was on the train, i chose to make a conscience effort to love without cowering to my fear of looking weak or ignorant in the process.

because love isn't ultimately about me. (duh, right?)

that's just a misconception i picked up from the same people that caused me to fear love to begin with.

so, i'm trying it out for a while ... see how i like it.

disclaimer: although this will translate into multiple aspects of my life, it primarily effects my brave boyfriend who, for more than a year, has had to watch me retreat when i realize i am too close to vulnerability for any level of comfort.

my friend amy and i used to have this phrase to describe what we felt we were witnessing in the church (months before we both decided to move).

we called it either the "goosebump" package or the "jacuzzi jesus" package which, of course, alluded to the emphasis placed on having an overly emotional experience in the church. or even just going to church because it made us feel good. i think you get the idea.

well, last night i happened to be sitting in the jacuzzi on my roof with vince and three other people from my complex. they were already there chatting about their travels and reminiscing about old times. vince and i quietly kept to ourselves in the other corner, sipping our starbucks and enjoying the pretty skyline.

it was hard not to hear their conversation because we were the only people on the roof and vince and i weren't really intending to engage in dialog while relaxing in the steamy water. what we heard was undoubtedly entertaining but ultimately devastating.

the conversation began with one of them telling of their recent experiences in india. i almost jumped into the conversation because (as we all know) i seem to have a slight obsession with that country. but i didn't. and i'm glad i didn't.

she went on to talk about spending time at an ashram and learning about different world religions. i agreed that some of the rituals seemed scary and a bit odd. but the interesting thing is that she said, no matter how weird it was, i got sucked in ... like i was in a trance. it was all so cult-ish.

hmm.

that of course led to other stories about other religions and cults. from scientology to self-help groups to hinduism to ... yes ... christianity.

they didn't seem to have a problem with the fundamentals of christianity. they didn't even seem to have a real problem with the church. but one story made them all agree that christianity was just another pyramid scheme ... another cult-like phenomenon.

promise keepers.

now, i know that a lot of good comes out of these conferences. i'm not bashing promise keepers or passion or catalyst or (fill in the blank). i've been to almost every major christian conference you can think of. but this was their perception:

that it was creepy. that it was fake. that is was over the top and all just one big scheme to get you emotionally connected so that you would buy their package at the end of the day.

that's what the two men in the conversation walked away from that experience with when they were 14.

i thought it was ironic that i was hearing this perspective after yesterday's post. vince and i talked about it after they left and felt a little defeated by the way jesus has been portrayed. we completely agreed with what they were saying. we have felt the same way. but cleaning up that mess with people who are trying to stay as far away from those kinds of experiences as possible, seems like a daunting task.

it just makes me wish i never put my own comfort level before the needs of other people. and it makes me even more certain that jesus wasn't about temporary highs ... he was about relationships. until i care more about other people than keeping up my super christian facade, this whole perception will keep perpetuating itself and we'll be oblivious to our categorization of "other world religion" instead of being a revolutionary movement of faith, hope and love.

why do we try to make people believe in God in the context in which we first believed?

that's one thought that has been plaguing me for a while. the other ...

i don't want the fears of others to be my fears. i think i've felt this way for a really long time, but didn't realize how to communicate it (that has been happening a lot lately). in terms of my faith and what i chose to believe at a young age, i feel especially passionate about this. just because you were afraid that you wouldn't be a super-christian if you weren't on the top of the christian bubble you created, doesn't mean that has to be my life. yet, somehow i believed it was ... perhaps for long enough to keep me from thinking that God couldn't or wouldn't exist elsewhere. which became really toxic when i believed that people who didn't go to church would never have a conversation with God (because we all know God doesn't talk to people outside of chapel - insert cynicism). even more toxic was when i didn't want to hang out with people who didn't go to church because i didn't want them to ruin my "good christian girl" persona that i had worked so hard to build.

but what was there to hide? what was i afraid of? was i afraid that He could exist outside of the subculture in which i was a part?

did i want to risk it? did i want to step down from my position in the bubble to find answers to the questions that were keeping me awake at night? did i want to risk everything i had ever known just to hear what other people had to say and see things things from a different vantage point?

what if i started to doubt that what i believed in wasn't real?

it has been more than two years since i popped my own bubble and began to create new paradigms. i'm sure you're wondering why i'm still having problems with this, but you have to understand ... this was my life. and old habits don't die easily. but my own fear that i would always wonder 'what if' completely trumped the fears of those around me ... and now ...

now i live this dichotomous life where i feel like a heretic when i find myself more alive doing something outside of the church and yet strangely confused and almost sad that the illusion of my faith only existing in the church has been proven to be just that ... an illusion.

i've posed this question multiple times, not in a cry for help or in some desperate attempt to say 'i'm lost ... someone come find me and take me back to the bubble.' but i wonder ...

what next?

what's next for the person of faith who is now more passionate about small business development in third world countries than she is of her lifetime dream of being a renowned worship leader? what does the next five years look like for my spiritual journey if the things that once defined me as a 'believer' are now existential?

trivial?

maybe.

but for some reason, i can't shake the big christian conferences out of my head and the dream i once had of owning a spot on the stage in front of thousands of youth groups. wouldn't it have been so cool to say to my christian friends that i sang next to the giants in the worship industry? wouldn't it have been great to have sang for passion or be the next hillsong united? but what would i tell all of my friends who don't understand the significance of that? would i just show them pictures and say that i sang with a band at a cool conference in front of a lot of people and that would be the end of the conversation?

i'm starting to think that all of this internal drama is for a reason. because when you live in the bubble for that long, you only know how to talk to people in the way that people in the bubble understand or appreciate. for everyone else, it's gibberish and really quite meaningless. so, yes, it is good for me to remember the bubble. because the bubble is powerful. the bubble is full of inherently good people. and i will always have a place for the bubble in my heart because that's what was first so familiar to me.

but i think it is obvious that i needed something more to care about than myself. i needed to believe in God for reasons other than the security of having a bubble to belong to.

again, for those of you have been reading this blog for a while and feel that i'm being repetitive and seem to be battling the same dilemma ... i'm sure you're annoyed. trust me, i live with me ... i understand.

it all comes down to letting go of who i think i am and figuring out why i've been holding on to that person and why i feel i had to become that person. because, if you can't tell, i'm not at all content with the person i always thought i was supposed to be. and while i'm happy with the progress, i'm not quite there yet ... and that's frustrating.

until tomorrow ...

it's not that i like to steal ... really. and i'm not even sure that this constitutes as stealing since i got the idea before reading my friend anne's post today. but since she published her thought first ... all technicalities lead to me stealing her creativity and brilliant ideas.

every time i hear this song on the radio it makes me smile. i actually feel like it's more of an anthem than a catchy little tune these days. and when i heard it this morning, i thought, "these are probably words that people all over the world have whispered under their breath in or even screamed out loud at one point or another." it's a song that gives me permission to say i don't have it all figured out ... that i have a lot of questions ... that i'm hoping i'm not living in vain (all within the confines of my car of course).

so here are the lyrics ... for all of those who are wondering the same things - whether you have found something to believe in and are just hoping it's the right choice, or whether you're still searching ... we're all in this together. and by the way ... when i hear this song, it compels me to move forward ... to have the energy to stand up when i have fallen to my fears and insecurities. it reminds me that, while i may feel like a failure at times, that if i just keep moving forward i will find what i'm looking for. it's when we believe that our worst failure is who we really are, that we actually begin to believe we don't deserve the life we were created for. so when we think we're waiting for nothing because it's "already done ... " i'm with the artist of this song when they let out a scream after that phrase. because i think we all know that it's our choice, in that moment, to fight for what we hope to be true. i think it's in that moment that we decide to pursue Truth and resist the temptation to lead a life of mediocrity.

believe :: the bravery

the faces all around me they don't smile they just crack
waiting for our ship to come but our ships not coming back
we do have time like pennies in a jar
what are we saving for [x2]

there's a smell of stale feeling that's drinking from my skins
the drinking never stops because the drink off all our sins
we sit and throw our roots into the floor
what are we waiting for [x2]

so give me something to believe
cause i am living just to breathe
and i need something more
to keep on breathing for
so give me something to believe

something's always coming you can hear it in the ground
it swells into the air
with the rising
rising sound
and never comes but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors
what are we waiting for [x2]

so give me something to believe
cause i am living just to breath
and i need something more
to keep on breathing for
so give me something to believe

i am hiding from some beast
but the beast was always here
watching without eyes
because the beast is just my fear
that i am just nothing
now its just what I've become
what am I waiting for
its already done

ohhhhhhh

so give me something to believe
cause i am living just to breath
and i need something more
to keep on breathing for
so give me something to believe

i didn't want to talk about this the first day back from vacation because it just seemed ... well, too serious for my already comatose system to really handle.

but what happened last week in mumbai really put a few things into perspective for me.

i think we can all agree that it was devastating. but for many, it may have been easier to disconnect because it seemed so far away.

what i couldn't shake was this...

and this ...

and then back to this on my t.v. screen ...

it has been less than a year since i stood in front (and ate inside) of the beautiful taj hotel in mumbai.

those kids ... they walk past the courtyard of the luxurious monument twice a day to get to and from school. they were dancing around together until they realized i had a fancy camera. i remember that day so clearly. and the only thing i could think about when i saw the news last wednesday was that i couldn't believe the country i love to visit was being terrorized.

i initially thought of how unfair it was that people had to go through this. ever. whether in africa, the middle east, the twin towers of new york, the ghettos of mexico ... no where is this acceptable.

and then i started thinking about my trip to india in february. i'm in the middle of the planning process right now and i thought, "it's not too late to cancel." but why? when is it ever ok for me (or anyone else for that matter) to ever cower from pursuing my dreams ... the things that really bring me to life ... all because of fear? am i any safer in downtown l.a.? isn't safety just an illusion anyway?

but what if i were there again ... by myself ... in a hotel room waiting for the knock on my door?

IF that were my situation. IF i were in a place where the worst acts of humanity manifested themselves right in front of me ... i would hope that i would remember why i was there.

i would hope that i would remember my dreams had brought me to that place in that time in history for a reason. i would hope that i would remain courageous and intentional. i would hope ... more than anything ... that my fears wouldn't blind me to the opportunity to give someone else a chance at the life that i have.

because i believe, now maybe more than ever, that everyone deserves a chance at the life God created them to live.

i feel like there is much to talk about after my nearly 5 day hiatus, but the only thing running through my mind is the fact that it's december.

december folks.

i feel like it was just february a month ago. is this what happens when you get older? or is something seriously wrong with the universe?

does anyone else feel pressured by the beginning of a new year? so many expectations, goals, new hopes and dreams to be pursued ... aaackkk! I'M NOT READY!!!

i suppose, ready or not, we are now looking straight into the eyes of christmas season madness. funny how that works. i woke up yesterday in mexico, celebrating the last few bites of goodness this thankgiving season brought. and then magically ended up at a winter wonderland in l.a. with christmas lights lining the hills of griffith park and carols ringing in my ears. how do they manage to have this stuff prepared by the day after thanksgiving without us noticing?

the good part is that i'm no longer complaining about the absence of fall. those feelings stand no chance against the hustle and bustle of department stores, seasonal decorations and christmas music playing non-stop on every radio station.

today, i feel i have no choice but to embrace the reality that another year is coming to an end and accept the challenge to prepare for the next. it just seems so premature to be planning for a new year when i still have so much i want to accomplish in this one.

i don't remember being in such angst before about the transition of from one year to another. which takes me back to one of my original questions ... is this what happens when you get older?

i just heard thunder. i can't believe it.

the sound of cars driving by on rainy streets is putting me in the perfect fall spirit!

i'm so so so thankful that God is personal (not to say that He did all this for little ol' me ... but i'm sure He didn't mind pulling some strings for the millions of us who have been craving the fall-like weather of the eastern half of the country).

we're off to mexico in a few hours and can't wait to dive into relaxation, laughter and the eternal buffet of incredible thanksgiving food. but for the moment, i think i'll just relish in the sweet sound of rain drops and fresh scent that this afternoon shower has brought to the air. happy fall! (finally!)

(hey, alliteration is fun in small doses)

yesterday i had a giant migraine. haven't had one in a really long time so i was a little confused as to what was actually happening. but after a little nap, a bowl of whole food's delish soup (thanks to my fabulous boyfriend), a little shopping spree (also thanks to the aforementioned boyfriend) and some coldstone, i was well on my way to recovery. did i mention i bought a pair of skinny jeans? yes. first the stupid 80s leggings that i swore i'd never wear and now the freaking skinny jeans. it's really a shame that they fit so well and look so cute (arguably).

anyway. i digress (as usual)...

now that my migraine has dissipated, it's time to really focus on this week of thanks and the goodness that will ensue on our yearly trip to mexico. i say "our" as if it's my trip to begin with. it is not. let's be clear that this year marks my second year of being invited by the masciale and marshall families to attend their thanksgiving celebration in rosarito and i couldn't be more grateful for the invitation. (nor could i be more astonished that i made it to year two ... big step for couples who are dating, wouldn't you say? ... that's a big deal in couples land)

back to the point.

i've always loved thanksgiving. not as much as christmas, but let's be honest, there is a good argument for why thankgiving is a close second to christmas. the food is MUCH better on thanksgiving and God's choice of colors for this season is substantially more aesthetically pleasing than the drab tones of grey that winter brings. maybe we'll continue that discussion later.

for now, i'm excited to create another album of memories this week and am reminded of what really matters. and i have already begun this adventure with the intention to be joyful of all that has been and all that is yet to come.

so. to my family and friends back home ... i love you and am so thankful for your presence in my life. i'll be thinking of you this week while you dine together and wishing we could all be together!

i don't think i've ever considered myself a real feminist. (stop laughing)

i will admit to getting a little fired up about equal rights for women, but i could say the same for just about any other human being no matter what gender, age, race or ethnicity they may be. it's what i'm passionate about.

but today definitely had a hint of girl power that is usually reserved for my inner most thoughts.

i texted vince first thing this morning about my recently observed downside to getting the puppy we've been dreaming about for the past year. i told him i ran into multiple puppy owners this morning on my way to work who seemed to be up much earlier than they would have liked - all on the account of taking their little fur balls out for a morning walk to relieve themselves. the conversation ensues:
v: i'll probably keep him outside.
k: ok. phew. HEY!! why does it have to be a him?
v: haha
k: oh my gosh. i'm a feminist aren't i?
v: yes.
k: what's that like? to be dating a feminazi?
v: pretty crazy

hmmm ...

THEN, i got into a fun little discussion with one of our top faculty members about the new office arrangements i'm making in celebration of my promotion this week. i said, "i think i'll put a couch over there for the students to hang out ... you know ... create a little living space for them to collaborate and exchange ideas about changing the world. ooo ... and a lamp in the corner would be pretty sweet too ..."
faculty member: i wouldn't get a couch if i were you.
me: why?
faculty member: it'll look bad.
me: it's not like i'm going to keep the door shut.
faculty member: don't take this the wrong way. but you're a woman. the only people who can pull that off those three guys at the end of the hall. sorry, it's a double standard, but that's the way it is. you'll never get away with it.
me: that's dumb. why can't i hang with the big boys?
faculty member: you want to hang with the big boys.
me: oh, i'll hang with the big boys alright. i think they're just afraid i'll win.

who says that?? i work in academe. an MBA program no less. not exactly the place for a 25-year-old female to be touting her awesomeness. this is the quintessential gentleman's club. i mean, i'd fair much better in the private sector at this point.

so here's to all the women who fought for me to even have a voice to make arrogant comments in the presence of a man. and my deepest apologies for embarrassing you by opening my mouth instead of simply tearing them to shreds with my intellect and innovative strategies. :) muahahaha (evil laugh)

oh, and to my boyfriend. who is clearly a saint.

i'm about to impart some of the wisdom i have gained from my time in the organizational leadership masters program at chapman university.

there's this thing that MIT senior lecturer peter senge has written about called "creative tension." i really dig it (yes, that is exactly the kind of language that will be used to identify theories and best practices in my thesis)

"people often have great difficulty talking about their visions, even when the visions are clear. why? because we are acutely aware of the gaps between our vision and reality." (senge)

hmmm ... tell me more mr. senge.

"but the gap between vision and current reality is also a source of energy. if there was no gap, there would be no need for any action to move toward the vision. we call this gap creative tension."

yes. this sounds vaguely familiar ... continue ...

"there are only two possible ways for the tension to resolve itself: pull reality toward the vision or pull the vision toward reality."

??

"we fight against what is. we are not so much drawn to what we want to create as we are repelled by what we have, from our current reality."

ok ...

"you see, "it's not what the vision is, it's what the vision does. truly creative people use the gap between vision and current reality to generate energy for change ... without constraints there is no creating."

ah. so this is my problem. i live in l.a. it's dynamic ... known for it's creativity.

but i'm a business kind-of gal. some may say that i take myself and life too seriously. i've never really seen that as a negative thing. why? because i get things done. i loved my blackberry for this very reason ... it validated my seriousness. it almost gave me a reason to be all business, all the time. i actually felt like i had permission to be perpetually professional. sickening right?

but i live in l.a. and because of this, i would go to bed at night praying for opportunities to explore my own creative side. i no longer felt content being all business in this bohemian world ... what, with all the filmmakers, artists, musicians ...

so i caved.

i purchased my iPhone. why? because it made me at least look like i was a creative behind my business suit (and consequently ... i started acting like one)

the fact is ... i'm not really a fun person. well, at least not naturally. i would prefer a good meeting or conference over a night out on the town. but this little device has made manifest my alter-ego. and i proudly admit to shutting my office door and having a few fights with my light saber that have been known to defeat the thick aura of stodginess around my desk.

and the best part? it has even, on occasion, cleared the air long enough for me to embrace this little gap that senge talks about and create something beyond my wildest imagination.

so, yes. perhaps this is a little far fetched. perhaps the invention of the iPhone isn't going to bring life to the business people like me across the world. but it gave me an excuse to let loose and explore the possibilities within the tension between the life i have and the life i dream of.

so what feeds your creative side?

you should know what all this make-over business is about.

we know yesterday's sudden hair change was fueled by a growing anxiety for some visible transformation to take place in the world around me. so today i am following up by explaining not only the developing look of my blog (which is far from finished) but also the unveiling of a state of mind.

my current reality is full of complexities ... much like yours.

i have a past. i have a present. and i have a future. the problem with me is that my past has conditioned me to believe that what lies ahead is not for me. these memories and reiteration of words and actions from years ago, however, have also been my motivation for pushing forward against all odds and towards a life even i thought was impossible. thus, creating new realities and possibilities.

what has come to be is not necessarily a collision (as i once thought) but a state of being. if i refer to the dreams i had five years ago, where i am today is what i would have considered then to be right in the middle of all the action.

in the middle of the life i had only dreamed to have.

and just as this life has come to be through imagination and desperate pursuit, i hope to have the same reflection in another five years of the dreams i hold today of a life that could be mine then.

so why in medias res?
in medias res, also medias in res (latin for "into the middle of things"), is a literary and artistic technique where the narrative starts in the middle of the story instead of from its beginning (ab ovo or ab initio). the characters, setting, and conflict are often introduced through a series of flashbacks or through characters relating past events to each other.

that's why. i'm not sure there is a better way to start telling my story than from where i am now. it's perfect for someone like me who tends to dream big but often allows her past to dictate the way in which she attains her wildest dreams.

so. while i will spend some time from this point forward going back in time to describe what led to my current reality, my primary objective is to document today. because, i'm starting to realize, there is little time for dwelling on the past when a greater future is waiting to be created.

so i did it.

i finally got tired enough of the unseasonably high temperatures and decided to usher in fall (despite what the weather man says) with the quintessential change of hair color to match the darker months of the year.

i'll be honest. i've had a dreadful attitude for the past few months (some would argue it has been a bit closer to 25 years, but in the interest of time and for the sake of this conversation, let's keep it at a few months). i've complained, almost daily, that fall has yet to come to southern california. my poor boyfriend has the unfortunate task of trying to find every street in l.a. that may actually have trees on it that have turned any shade of orange, red or yellow just to keep me from whining. he even took me to a pumpkin patch the day after halloween and consoled me when i started crying after finding out it had already been shut down (yes. it has gotten that bad. i cried like a 6 year old - no offense to those of you with children who are more emotionally intelligent than i - when i found out that my only hope for discovering remnants of fall was closed with a giant padlock).

it's ok for you to lose respect for me at this point. but for those of you who are from a part of this country where fall brings colors that you can not even describe and air that is so crisp you can't seem to breathe enough ... you may be able to empathize.

fall is an excuse. well, at the very least, it's my excuse. an excuse to change ... to embrace something new. an excuse to buy a new shirt or get a new hairdo or spend more time outside with ymy favorite hot beverage and simply relish in the beauty that surrounds me.

it's my favorite season. but i had to sacrifice it in order to live in the center of the life i have now. which, in the big scheme of things, doesn't seem all that traumatizing.

so instead of moping around and waiting for everything else to change so that i feel i have permission to do the same ... i decided to pay a whopping $11.43 for my auburn hair color and move on with my life ...

to be continued

the remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. we hate others when we hate ourselves. we are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. we forgive others when we forgive ourselves. we are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves.
Eric Hoffer

my goal for the weekend ... to be tolerant. to forgive. to sacrifice. to love.

i have a lot to learn.

a lot.

and as much as i like to think i have it together, i am surprised at how much i've been learning from other people ... about things that i should already know. like being a good friend or be a gracious giver or helping someone out simply because it looks like they need an extra hand.

i have a friend from my masters program that overnighted a book to me so that i could have it for my first week of class. not only did she look high and low to find the book in her closet, but she didn't charge me AND made sure i had it in time.

i started to realize that my actions would not have been so gracious. i would have had the best of intentions, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to go the extra mile.

and i hate that.

i hate that it wouldn't have occurred to me and i hate that i wouldn't have kept trying to find a why to make it work so that someone else didn't have had to worry about it.

i learned from brandy this week. i learned how i could become a better person because of her generosity and thoughtfulness. and, more importantly, it revealed my natural inclination towards pessimism, for which i am not fond.

so here's to becoming a person of gratitude ... for the things that were, for the things that are and for the things yet to come.

A great charity in Nashville, Soles4Souls, is trying to get
money to buy 50,000 pairs of shoes raised in 50 days...

The cool thing is only $5 buys 2 pairs of shoes!!

It takes under 2 minutes to donate and only three clicks – super easy!

So if you think this is something you can do...five bucks, three
clicks, two minutes = two pairs of shoes to someone in need, just
visit http://www.50000shoes.com.

More importantly, this can only happen if we spread the word...so
please forward this on to anyone you know...the people you work with,
your mom, whoever!! Just keep the email love going!

All donations are tax deductible of course. You can read the official
press release here:
http://www.forbes.com/prnewswire/feeds/prnewswire/2008/11/07/prnewswire200811071100PR_NEWS_USPR_____CLF039.html

Oh, and one person who donated will win a trip to Mexico to hand
deliver the shoes they bought to someone who has never owned shoes
before. Could you imagine giving someone their very first pair of
shoes?

Thanks for all your support! This is just one of many ways we can change the world this year :)

i've never had money. let's just get that out in the open right now.

and because i've never really had money, i learned to budget from an early age. i learned to save, not spend outside of my means (for the most part) and shy away from debt ... of any kind.

but i've been strapped lately (who hasn't??). which means i'm stressed. really stressed. i had all these beautiful financial goals and plans and then my car needed to be fixed and unexpected bills crept up.

now, let's not get over dramatic here ... i'm not starving (entirely) and i'm not living on the streets (yet). there are people who are WAY worse off than i and i sympathize. but the only thing i can think of right now is complete financial freedom. and all the "what ifs" that are associated with ... "if i only had money ..."

so here are some thoughts that i thought i'd share with you as i stare at my bank account and negotiate my salary this week: (by the way, i'm repeating them over and over in my head to ensure i don't set myself up for further failure)

don't fall in love with your money.
don't fall in love with what you're money gets you.
don't fall in love with what your money protects you from.
and with the money you DO have ... take it all and use it to pursue your dreams.

so about those "what ifs"? what would i do if i were financially free? would i be as adamant about pursuing my dreams by allocating my funds as conservatively? or would i blow it thinking, "oh, there's more where that came from if the opportunity presented itself."

hmmm.

i wanted to post a blog yesterday about why i voted for barrack obama.

i wanted to tell you about the soul searching that took place and the inspiration i found from his values and ideals for this nation ... for me as a citizen.

i wanted to talk about voting, for the first time, for what i believe in and not what i am supposed to believe in as a kansas native and of republican heritage.

today, i wanted to say how proud i am that america voted for a black man to lead our nation. i wanted to say how blessed i feel to be a part of a nation that chose not to allow our past to proceed us and define who we are to become.

but instead, i have to say this ...

we have a long way to go.

the juxtaposition of the election of a black man and the overwhelming response to the homosexual community, tells me that we have not completely overcome our lineage of discrimination.

i believe that this country was founded on the basic principles that every citizen is entitled to the rights outlined in the constitution. i believe in a God that loves everyone, no matter where they are or what decisions they make. i believe in a future that, not only tolerates people who are different from ourselves, but embraces them for who they are.

my past tells me that my Jesus fish and an obama sticker don't belong next to each other on the back of my car. who i was, would say that it is my responsibility to cast a vote to legalize the behavior that i have chosen for myself so that others will have to follow suit.

who i am becoming, however, has to believe in the freedom of choice. because, in my mind, everyone matters ... christian or muslim or atheist ... black or white or brown ... republican or democrat or libertarian ... young or old ... rich or poor ...

and, by the way. for those of you who are in shambles about this election, i can offer sincere hope for you as well. God is bigger than this election and, contrary to popular belief, bigger than this country. we're going to be ok.

i've been thinking a lot about the concept of community in the past four months.

much has happened that has triggered past hurts because of unhealthy community and present fears (and doubts) about living in authentic community.

i'd like to say that i've contributed to the nourishment of the community in which i am currently living, but i can't. i've been terribly destructive. and it's all because i'm not sure i can risk it all for the sake of other people.

you see, what i'm learning about living in real. genuine. healthy community. is that you take the good with the bad. you get to celebrate in community when things go well for someone (or for yourself). you have the privilege of being a part of the victory and success.

but what i'm also realizing (and quite honestly, struggling with), is that you also have to live with the consequences of people in your community who make poor decisions. this one's a hard one for me.

i want to see people thrive. i want more than anything to see people make decisions that will increase their desire for life and maximize their own potential.

but the most painful thing i've experienced, is watching other people make decisions for their lives based out of fear that there may not be anything better. decisions that cause them to settle and not take risks. decisions that i would have made a few years ago if my situation was only a little different.

you know what i think about?

why me? why was i spared? was it because i wouldn't have been strong enough to survive otherwise? was it because i was supposed to be doing something more significant with my life after being released from the captivity of my own choices?

all of these questions are important to me. as are the people in my life who i have committed to love and serve without question.

because that is, after all, the caveat to community right? that when i make choices that hurt me, the same hands will be there to guide me through the pain ... even when it was not their's to bear.

i haven't been around lately. obviously.

yesterday was the end of my streak of madness and the beginning of another season of insanity.

it seems to follow me wherever i go ... this chaos. maybe it's like an animal that smells fear ... continuing to persist until the prey gives in. maybe this is all some plot to build my stamina against meaningless adversarial issues (because we all know the things i get stressed about are existential compared to the true suffering of others).

today is just one of those days, though.

it's one of those days where, living in my own brain, is ... hell.

funny thing is that it didn't start this way. it started out quite well actually (mainly because no one else was a part of the equation yet). it wasn't until the middle of my day that i realized i was crumbling ... that i was too weak to deal with anything less than perfection.

and when i came to that realization, there was an understanding that i would not be fighting back today. nope. today will not be my day to change the world.

note: as i was about to push "publish post," my friend christina (works in my office and apparently can sense my attitude) sent me this email:
smile! look at the cupcakes i'm going to make

ugh. what do i do now? walk out of my office giggling after i already made the decision to give up on being peppy for the day? (see post on bi-polar disorder)

and the underlying presence of fear.

that's where i am.

confusing? yeah. tell me about it.

to put it simply: there is a life that i would love to step into. a life of adventure and exploration. a life that coddles my curious nature. a life that knows no boundaries in my quest to learn more about the world in which i live.

but i'm terrified.

i'm terrified of discovering more. i'm terrified that my perspective will change ... again. i'm terrified to find out that i'm wrong ... that the naysayers were right. i'm terrified that i will be forgotten. that i will return from my travels unrecognizable. that i will no longer belong.

there are dreams inside of me that, if pursued, would defy my dependence on other people's approval and need to fit in. these dreams, if pursued, may actually change the world ... as i know it.

but this is what has happened. after taking the leap and moving to california, my paradigms were shattered. i have become someone different. someone more recognizable to myself, but still so uncertain of who i really am.

back home, i mastered the art of defining who i was NOT. that was easy. it drove me to a place of insanity that actually served as a great launch pad for taking big risks (like moving 1600 miles from home). i was so crazy ... so afraid of becoming what i knew i wasn't (which, i remind you, was the ONLY THING i knew), that i pursued my dream to be a relentless learner ... explorer ... discoverer.

and here i am in a place that brings me life and also a large dose of confusion. i sit among friends who are in desperate pursuit of dreams they know they were created for. they inspire and motivate me. they challenge me to think bigger.

but all of the conversations lead me to fear the possibility that i will pursue the wrong dreams simply because i don't know who i am. or worse, that i will settle for lesser dreams for fear that who i am, is more daring ... more bold ... more adventurous than i have the emotional and mental capacity for right now.

ugh. must there always be a struggle between fear and infinite possibilities?

as most of you (all two of you who read my blog) know, i am a part of a vibrant community in l.a. called mosaic. after perhaps one of the more stressful weeks of my life (not entirely an exaggeration), i decided to devote this week's blogging time to the conversations that have begun at mosaic around the idea of dreams.

now, l.a. is a city full of people with big dreams. and i'm sure people are annoyed with my constant reiteration of the talent that surrounds me on a daily basis. but i can't help but start this little "blog series" by saying how humbled i am to be a part of a community who believes in beauty, creativity and the pursuit of dreams.

take, for instance, our gathering yesterday. usually we have the typical church set up ... music, a bumper video, talk and then maybe a few announcements. not yesterday. yesterday we were in full mosaic form. my band was fortunate enough to play for the series kick off ... horn players, string section, our A team of singers and DJs. all original music inspired by where we live. and it got me thinking about the dreams i've had that have come true and all the new ones that i never thought i would consider.

the people in the picture above represent my dream of creativity and innovation. when i'm in the same room with these people, i can break away from the doubt and fears that keep me from the life awaiting me. that's huge. that's what happens when you're surrounded by people who are doing exactly what they were created to do ... they somehow open up space for you to take the risks to claim the life awaiting you ...

so here are some thoughts erwin had about dreams this week:
is there a dream that haunts you?
there are some dreams that are so compelling that they scare us because failing .. would mean losing everything. so we settle.
how much of what we're living is based on living under the rubble of our past failures?
what's the dream waiting on the other side of your fears?
if your dream became your life, would the world be a better place?

as i was thinking about the dreams i've had for my life, i began to wonder if the dreams of my past derive from a need for attention and acceptance or if there really is significance to them.

as i listed some of the more obvious dreams of my past (singing, living in a big city, traveling, running a business), i realized there are dreams that get little air time in my conversations. even as i was listing my dreams, there were a few that i tried to ignore. why?

erwin said something that i have been playing back in my mind as i try to sift through my thoughts and move towards a life that is more alive ...

"i didn't want to show people my work because i didn't want them to say it was awful. i at least wanted to hope ..."

hope. i at least want to hope that the dreams that lay buried beneath my fears will come true 'some day.' because isn't that, after all, the most devastating of thoughts ... to give everything you have to something you believe in only to fail? or is it enough to just be pursuing that which brings us hope?

what life awaits you on the other side of your fears?

i'm a busy person. a lot of us are really busy people.

i usually like it that way ... keeps me on my toes and feeling productive. but sometimes it's just a bit much. this week (until monday), things are a bit ... overwhelming (note today's to-do list). they're all good things. things that i love, things that i'm passionate about, things that are really important. but honestly, did it have to be all at once? i'm usually pretty good when it comes to juggling tasks, but i've almost had a mental break down twice this week. not such a good way to convince people that i'm the girl that "gets things done."

how do you deal with stress?

no applause, just money folks.

yes, it is true. i just hit the 200 post mark after two years of this blog's existence. much like many things over the course of two years, this blog needs a little makeover (can you imagine if i would have kept the same hairstyle this whole time ... yikes! how uncharacteristic that would be).

anyway ... look for some changes in the coming month. there's a lot going on in my little world of chaos. :)

for those of you that believe that there is a God up there who listens to prayers ... i've got a ton of things going on in the next few weeks that i could use a little shout out for. specifics: finishing a 25 page final by monday (which i haven't started because i can't seem to get motivated); speaking at a conference on the 24th and need to have my presentation ready by next friday; premiere of a film i co-produced is this friday and we're hoping to make some connections; band performance this sunday (all day); making some rather huge career plans for the coming year that could potentially change my life ... drastically. a little clarity, focus and proper prioritization n in all of these areas would be most welcome :) thanks everyone!

here's to the ever-changing road of life!

you had no responsibilities. no family, no mortgage, no job ... money wasn't an issue ...

what if you could risk everything for that which you are most passionate?

what would you do?

there is something that i think about nearly every time i enter a restroom where others are already occupying stalls.

"if i line the toilet with the paper cover will the person in the stall next to me be grateful that i chose sanitation? OR will they think i'm wasteful because i just contributed to our tremendous environmental issue by killing a branch and flushing into our sewer system? furthermore, if i don't choose to use the paper lining and decide to squat, how will they know that i decided to hover carefully over the bowl in an attempt to save the trees AND maintain a respectable level of sanitation?"

welcome to my brain.

note: while this battle occurs in my mind multiple times a day, i usually choose option "c: squatting" unless i am tired or wearing unstable high heels. i think it's the most bi-partisan choice and we just can't be too careful these days.

we've all heard it ... assumption makes an ass out of you and me.

and i agree ... finally.

as·sume [uh-soom]: take to be the case or to be true; accept without verification or proof.

one of the goals i have for my own character development is to assume less and ask questions more. it's amazing how much more efficient and relationally intelligent you can be when you stop assuming how people are going to treat you based on past experiences or the perceptions others have of the situation based on their own assumptions :)

i kind of like it.

i was talking to my friend christina the other day and i came to a startling conclusion about myself and perhaps the rest of of my buoyant cohorts:

resilience often resembles bi-polar disorder.

think about it.

well, who knew that we'd face the worst drop in dow history since my saga on grilled cheese?

geez.

this hysteria has caused me to go back to my discussion on fear again. a few notes from erwin this weekend at mosaic (a part of our "falling forward" series)

"whatever you fear establishes the boundaries of your freedom."

"if you do not learn to overcome your fears, you will not be present ... you will not show up ... when the world needs you most"

"we get trapped in the hollowness of religious activity instead of the reality of being human." (one of my personal favorites because i believe fear of interacting with people who are not exactly like us causes us to rely on religious rituals instead of love to heal a broken humanity. am i sounding like a hippie right now? eh. who cares.)

"when a person gets involved with something God cares about, they crash into Him." (soooo ... create space for people to do what they're talented at and then show them how it can change the world.)

"we are in a moment where if we rise above ourselves despite our fears, we have the potential to change the world."

the goal is not to fear losing our money, our fame, our reputation, ourselves.

the goal is to love more than we fear.

when this happens, our generosity will trump any $700 billion bail out plan. well .... maybe. :)

i've had a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches in the past two weeks. i usually enjoy them ... they're filling ... comforting ... and usually quite tasty. i even enjoy them with a bit of peanut butter on the top ... i know ... sounds disgusting, but don't knock it 'til you've tried it. besides, it adds an element of protein that you probably aren't getting when you have them for multiple meals in a row.

i'd like to blame my diet on the economy. it sounds so much more tragic when i say, "i know [insert friend's name] ... i can't afford anything but grilled cheese, let alone rent!"

but it's really not logical.

it's kind-of like the gas situation. how much more does it really cost to fill up our gas tanks? $10-$15? i understand that that additional money could have been used on a few drinks with the girls after work or a casual dinner with friends (once), but it's really not that devastating. it totally sucks ... but not earth shattering.

what's killing us is our inability to budget (oh, and our need to complain and blame .. but that's a whole nother oprah). now, i'm not downplaying our economic status right now. let's be honest ... it's not looking too great. but it's not like we haven't seen this coming. seriously. all of a sudden people are in a panic. we're running around like it's the apocalypse or something. and i can understand that if you just bought a new mercedes and happen to work for a bank or the lehman brothers.

i'm sitting here in a slight panic myself. my paycheck was deposited at midnight last night (thank God i don't have WaMu) and by noon i was broke. and i have two more weeks until the next one. why? well, because rent is due in a few days (that's 90% of this paycheck- did i mention i live in l.a. the most expensive city in the world?) and i had to pay for my vehicle registration (and the parking tickets that apparently i failed to pay).

now, a few months ago, i overspent when i was in kansas. and i haven't quite recovered. that's my problem. and that's why i'm in a little financial crisis of my own. that's not the governments fault. i would love to blame it on bush because he sounds like a complete moron right now, but i can't. and i have a feeling that, if we were honest with ourselves, we could all admit that times are tough, but that, if we (government included) spent within our means, this whole recession wouldn't be so dramatic.

oh. and by the way. the lack of planning on our government's part should be a lesson to us that we need to be more intelligent with our finances. it's very clear they only became concerned with our fiscal issues when it started to directly effect them.

just saying.

i'm a skeptic. i challenge the status quo. i have a hard time settling for processes that have been used for decades just because they ... work. there are a lot of things about me that don't make sense. and since i don't discriminate, i question those things too.

but this is where it gets tricky.

faith. spirituality. God.

there are a few things i would die for. but probably the most dominant theme is the freedom or liberation of others (very broad topic but can range from economic development in the third world to human trafficking to education for children).

that's noble right? it makes me seem like a hero or something ... like a modern day joan of arc if we were going to get real epic. but what if someone asked why i would risk my life for someone else's freedom?

i could be relatively normal and say it's because i am an activist or that i believe in equality or human rights. that would be very politically correct of me in this election year (and quite trendy).

but what if i said it's because i believe i was created to be a voice of hope? what if i said that i believe Jesus died so that everyone (not just privileged americans) could live a life more abundant? what if i actually said that my motivation is found in the love of Christ?

i sound like a crazy person. honestly. anyone who doesn't believe in God would think i had just drank the koolaid (if you know what i mean). even i think it sounds ridiculous! that some dude back in the day had the power to die and bring life to humanity if we decided to follow him. i get how ludicrous that sounds. i do.

so here's my philosophy ... this week :) people are searching. they're searching for something to belong to ... something that actually works. and a sudden life change isn't going to cut it for people. they want to know that it lasts.

the secret ... lead a compelling life. people may actually get desperate enough to want to know your secret. but until they give you permission to speak into their life ... you're not allowed to act like a crazy person.

apparently it's fall somewhere because i just received my better homes and gardens fall edition in the mail.

in celebration that someone out there gets to experience the beauty of the changing leaves, crisp cool air and faint smell of firewood being burned for warmth ... i will be stopping by starbucks tonight for a seasonal pumpkin spice latte.

if i'm lucky, it may even be cool enough tonight for me to wear a sweater! if not, i will be sweating while taking in my spicy warm beverage. :/

for those of you who live in a place where seasons come and go, i envy you. i really miss the excuse for change.

there is something i'm finally being able to identify after years of poorly executed conversations, unintentionally hurting other's feelings and always feeling conflicted with who i am and who i pretend to be when i'm around other people.

i fear, more than anything, appearing weak.
i fear, in a close second, losing approval or social status.
and i almost always downplay my need for affection (unless i'm with vince and then he gets the annoying duty of having to overcompensate for all the times i denied others the joy of doing so because i thought it made me look too soft)

apparently, i prefer social interaction to be more robotic than human. there could be a couple of reasons for this ...

if i soften up a little bit and actually become (ahem) vulnerable ... very manipulative and mean people tend to find their way in and sabotage my capacity to trust humanity. and if i'm more robotic or seemingly heartless ... i can keep everyone, including the aforementioned manipulative and mean people far enough away so as not to repeat the past.

but what happens when i began to be convinced that the people in my life actually love and care for me and want me to trust them?

well, this is what happens ... i freak out. like any emotionally unintelligent person would do ... and try and give them reasons not to want to be around me because i'm more comfortable with that.

can you see where this whole character development thing can be a problem for me?

what i'm beginning to realize is that, despite what has been said to me in the past, i am not that person. i'm not incompetent, i'm not just an object, i'm not ignorant or lacking in capacity to care for other people. what i'm lacking is the courage to believe that who i am is not who they expected me to be.

because that takes guts. it takes a HUGE amount of trust that these people in my life who so desperately want me to stop fighting them actually believe in the person that i'm trying to keep them from.

my next step ... finding the courage to trust that who i am is enough to keep people from abandoning me. and trusting that the freedom of living my life as myself, will be enough to keep me going even if my worst fears do become my reality.

i think i'm going to do a mini-series on these two words. why? because a few events happened this weekend that cause me to ponder their definitions and how i interact with them.

the first event:


i ride the metrolink. nearly every day.

what did this tragic event mean for me as i stepped onto the train this morning? a fight for a seat in the last car with nearly every other passenger that is usually dispersed throughout the length of the train.

but we all still rode this morning. despite the mass devastation of friday's crash. why? is it because we really don't fear the small probability of crashing into a freight train on our way to work? is it that we trust our conductor more than the driver's on the freeway that we would encounter if we drove? or is it that we trust someone else with our life more than we trust ourselves?

maybe it's not all that complicated. maybe we just can't afford gas and the train is the best option. but i'm still thinking this draws an interesting parallel to my personal life and how i see my fears driving my capacity to trust or be trustworthy.

stay tuned.

if you are a thinker ... you know how bad it sucks to walk around all day with your own brain. seriously. it's obnoxious. it's the reason i have a hard time enjoying well, anything really. it's the reason i am perpetually discontent and seemingly irritated (with overly analytical minds tends to come a scowl that intimidates and scares people).

take for instance my vacation last week.

by day 4, i caught myself thinking, "how many people died today while i sat here sipping my coffee and listening to locusts?" which, naturally (or unnaturally, depending on how you look at it), led to, "i'm a completely unproductive citizen of the world. i'm pretty sure i did nothing for humanity today that will eventually lead to significant change in years to come." ???

I'M ON VACATION!!!!

but that's me. i guess.

i told vince last night that i feel a little off. not sure how. couldn't really identify what my deal was, but i thought he should at least know that i wasn't quite feeling myself. i then proceeded to have a mini discussion in my mind (because honestly ... he doesn't need to hear me processing anything out loud. it leads to irritation and insanity on his end) and this is what i came up with ...

i'm suffering from an extensive vacation hangover which is leading to apathy thus contradicting my inherent nature of doing as much with as many people as possible. in addition, i seem exhaustively disconnected with the source of my energy and motivation thus feeling surprisingly unaware of what i'm passionate about and how to maximize my own potential.

in short. relaxation is not good for me because relaxation doesn't mean doing nothing to me ... although my stress level and heart rate would appreciate that. it means doing things that i really enjoy without the interruption of things i don't enjoy. good to know.

AND i'm not "off", i'm off-balanced. and that's ultimately awkward and weird and throwing my whole system off.

the end.

i went home last week.

home.

that's becoming more and more of a relative term the longer i'm in l.a.

home[hohm]:the place or region where something is native or most common; in a situation familiar to one; at ease.

i've owned l.a. as my new home since the moment i pulled my first box out of my car and put it on the front steps of my house in long beach. i began to consider the world my home after my second trip to india where i found refuge in the familiarity of my friends and favorite coffee shops in the cities i grew to love there. with each new place i dwell ... with each new friend i meet across the world ... i am of the belief that i have a home where they are. and visa versa.

but there is something inside of me that wants to believe that the place i spent 23 years of my life is the place i will always find peace and comfort. i want to believe that i can always go back if things get too difficult. i want to believe that i can have my old life back if i really wanted it.

this time was different though. i felt like i was in some sort of weird twilight zone. nothing seemed quite right ... and everything seemed only vaguely familiar.

i felt out of place. like a foreigner, with little to reclaim.

as relaxing and joyful as my experience was last week, reconnecting with old friends and visiting family, there was something distinctly unsettling about my time there. it can only be described as the realization that i had chosen to pursue something that was only whispered to my soul ... no one else's ... mixed with the pain and weariness i have felt in the midst of that pursuit. i've needed a break. some sort of pause to just be ... no reflection, no analysis of how things are going or how i could improve ... just to be. and i got it. but it had to end. just as i needed space to breathe, i also needed to feel like i was a part of something again ... something significant and something worth risking my comfort for.

it was tempting. very tempting to say, "fine ... you win. i'll come back." but as my plane landed in l.a. i was awakened again and things started to make sense.

my home can not be described by a house, a town or memories of my past. my home is where i feel most alive. and while that may be kansas at different points of my life, i have a feeling that home will take on different shapes, names and images than it has always taken from this point on. and i think i'm ok with that ... finally.

isn't it beautiful?

i love fountains ... there's something mysteriously elegent about them. so timeless and full of stories of lovers that have walked passed, homeless that have bathed in them and lost souls wandering by in hopes of finding retreat in the echo of its falling water.

today i sat next to this fountain in hopes that the water's loudness would cancel out my own thoughts and provide a nice companionship to my loneliness. but just as i was really finding my chi, a woman walked up to the fountain as i was sitting there and began talking to the fountain. she looked so concerned ... as if her and the fountain have been friends for a while. she was holding a rusty penny and at the end of her monologue, she dropped the penny into the water, making sure it hit the bottom.

she stood there a minute, nodded, and then walked away.

i glanced at the fountain, then at her, then at the fountain again, wondering if i had just missed something.

and then i realized that when she walked up to the fountain, i had just been having a similar conversation with my Dream Maker, hoping that this time i would say the right thing or offer up the right coin to receive the response i desperately needed. funny how we see God sometimes huh?

He was probably thinking i'd be better off dropping in a few cents into the fountain.

the yogic sages say, "that all the pain in human life is caused by words, as is all the joy."

words.

words. are.

how i've defined my existence. how you ... how they have affirmed my being.

words. are.

the very weapons that suffocate my soul and torment me in broad daylight.

these. words.

they rhythmically dance around in my mind and seduce my every thought.

your. words.

linger. like a fragrance. and they soon become ...

my. words.

to be repeated for hours in my mind until only the stains are left from their tread marks.

it are these words that have seemed to nestle in the crevices and chosen to stay.

and then ...

her. words.

a desperate beggar wanting nothing but spare change let's out a cry when no one stops. and as i walk by, says very softly ...

you're beautiful.

those. words.

the first of my day. fought for joy in the pain of the last words i heard yesterday.

let's recap for a minute on my past obsession with african american history.

for my poor parents, i was the child who misplaced her inherent gift of advocacy on the topic of the oppression of black people in america during the time of slavery. yes. i, for some reason, thought it necessary to remind my family of what wretched people we were for having put these individuals through such unimaginable circumstances (as if my parents actually did the oppressing).

i was also the kid who cried after school when i got home because all the girls in my classes had beautiful braids. and why couldn't i have them? (by the way, this got worse when the braids came in gorgeous styles like the curly thin ones in the early to mid 90s).

i'm sure my family thought there was something drastically wrong with me or that and probably prayed that i would eventually grow out of it. i was seemingly unaware of my not-so-black heritage and had adopted the black race as "my people" (i'm getting a really good laugh at this as i'm writing. seriously ... get a picture of little, skinny, fro-haired krysta with just as much passion and aggravation for social injustice as i have now ... running around the house in an uproar over things that hadn't even occurred in my parent's lifetime. oh my ... that's a whole 'nother oprah!)

anyway, just as i was losing my fiery attitude, mariah carey came on the scene (oh and i was sooo close!). the moment my parent's thought they had won the battle for my strange need for rythm and soul ... she appeared in concert for the first time in her black dress and curly hair on my television screen.

i was hooked. i LOVED her. i wanted to be her. then there was whitney houston. body guard say what? seriously folks, it was an endless cycle. i was keenly aware, as a teenager at this point, that i was lacking a genetic element that these women had. but then kirk franklin gave me hope ... remember God's property? uh. yes. i owned every album. if you don't remember "stomp" you should be smacked (or maybe i should be for having transferred it repeatedly to my various MP3 devices).

after years of touring ... he added a few white people to his choir. what? i know that talent isn't reserved for specific races, but let's be honest. there are very few white girls that can hang with the diva greats like aretha, whitney, mariah, etta james, etc etc. back to kirk ... i was instantly motivated to listen to as much gospel music as possible so that i could emulate the vocal runs of these natural talents. ha. just imagine ... me, the preacher's wife soundtrack and a fake mic in my basement, performing in front of a mirror. wow. i honestly thought that my insanely large hair and large butt (for a white girl) would get me a little closer to a chance at auditioning.

ten years later ... i'm still there. wishing, not-so-openly that i were an R&B artist or a gospel singer that could hang with the best of them.

and last night i got my chance.

i am the proud member of one of the most brilliant bands in l.a. (maybe a little biased ... but seriously ... we're really good). and last night ... i got to lead. and something was awaken in me ... someone with ... dare i say it ... soul ... emerged.

we.tore.it.up. and i can officially die a happy woman. thanks to all of my band mates for humoring my long-awaited chance to hang with the big guns :) i love you guys!

i was looking through an old journal and came across a few things that didn't even sound like something i would write.

it was so articulate and passionate. shockingly well written.

i felt a bit ashamed that i've regressed so much in my ability to communicate my thoughts with such clarity. but more surprising was my increasing awareness of how passionate i was about the local church and what we could have been doing to maximize our potential and expand out influence.

this passion ... i feel like it has been buried just below the surface. perhaps from the years of people telling me i was too forward and too challenging in response to what i was most passionate about. or maybe it's subsided after having been away from the traditional church (or at least the church that i'm most familiar with) for a few years.

i've experienced unexpected moments when what matters to me comes in full view and this passion i feel i've lost become my best friend again. those moments, i've found are when i'm traveling, when i'm advocating (or when i see an injustice occur) and when i'm a part of a movement that brings the inherent talents of others together to work towards a common goal.

i'm assuming all of these thing combined caused the tension that was then my passion. i suppose what i need now is to find the place where my passions align with my actions. apparently ... according to my old musings ... this is when i'm most alive and consequently most effective.

some of you may have noticed that i have slight discrepancies with the way we've been doing church for the past ... oh ... 50 years or so. i'm still trying to mold my opinion on such matters, which is why i try not to flap my mouth in as much passion and anger as i used to. but i'm leaning towards one particular aspect of the human experience with spirituality/divinity that is causing me to hone in on something very important to me.

unadulterated talent.

(community and a sense of belonging come in a really close second, but i think talent is a good start.)

a lot of conversations and experiences have led me to this belief. if you read my blog, you know i believe that we were all created to do something specific, which means we all have inherent talents that, if used, cause others to be inspired and wanting more. this is a good thing. it leads other people to wonder if, in fact, they too were created for more. i'm also of the belief that being the best at what we do will cause people to ask us questions ... they see us as experts ... which then provides us a platform to tell our stories (whether they provide Hope or not).

what i've been most familiar with are church settings that have quite good musicians and speakers and artists but not quite as good as their mainstream counterparts. we're ok with this because it's church, not MTV and it's worship not "secular" music. for some reason, there is a culture that feels this level of professionalism and talent is perhaps less-sacred than those who are not-so-talented but are doing it for God.

i'm not so much ok with this. (and this is coming from the girl who can't compete on the world stage of musical talent so she decided that she would lead worship instead because it is, after all, for a good cause). now, again, i'm not saying that we need to have bono leading our spiritual gatherings ... that would be absolutely tragic actually, because he's already doing it for us ... for people who would never step foot in our religious institutions. what i am saying is ...

i had a spiritual experience at the staples center last night, watching quite possibly one of the best bands on the face of the planet (arguably, of course). which like i've been saying, leads ME to believe that I PERSONALLY connect with God through raw talent. it happens a lot.

jazz bars (or just bars). concerts. standing in a building designed by a brilliant architect. seeing insane dance moves. watching a film so thoughtfully and artistically constructed. being in a business meeting with people who are very clearly at the top of their game. having conversations in class with people who are just so smart it's ridiculous.

and what i want, more than anything, is for people who are curious about God to interact with these individuals. because i honestly think that's where a conversation could begin for them about what it means to be fully alive.

i went and watched my good friend and fellow band member jason joseph perform last night at an r&b club in hollywood.

he was brilliant. as usual. he was the most talented artist there ... by a lot.

we went with two other people from mosaic and one of them said, "it wasn't much different from when he's leading worship. that surprised me. i felt like his motivation was the same but he was in a bar."

i love it.

that's EXACTLY the point. at a music meeting last week, erwin talked about the origination of "contemporary worship music" as we know it ... maranatha.

he said the best writers and players of that era came to Christ through billy graham. the leadership of the time basically told them to stop making music for the "world" and make it for God. thus ... worship as we know it.

wouldn't it have been better if they would have kept making great music in the world as new followers of Christ instead of absorbing all of that talent into the church? they had a global platform ... a chance to expand your sphere of influence by millions.

i will tell you that this is one of my favorite characteristics of my l.a. community. the goal isn't to take the most talented individuals in our city, make them followers of Christ and then confine them to the four walls of a church. our goal is to make sure these people have a platform. a big one.

and everyone last night who heard jason, had the opportunity to experience a bit of hope through his artistry. and anyone who had the chance to speak with him afterwards got a taste of love in their conversation.

they didn't have to come to church to experience God last night. and for me, there is nothing more beautiful than that.

ha. that may very well be the understatement of the year. anyone who knows me would be able to tell you that my lack in athleticism puts me close to the bottom of the food chain in this realm. for one, i can't swim ... i know, i know ... i'm 25 and still can't swim. i went camping last weekend and almost pooped my pants when we went down the river and hit rapids ... in an inner-tube. i can't run all that well either. at about a mile i start to overheat like a chevy truck from the 50s. team sports ... ummm ... i'm not so much a team player, so that one's out (kidding ... kind-of). and we don't even need to touch the land-o-gymnastics. you have to be seriously instable, insane or perhaps just ridiculously gifted in order to flip your body around on a beam that could very well end your life if you happen to land on it wrong.

athleticism alone would keep me out of the running. that's obvious.

but i'm thinking discipline and focus would do me in if i happened to make it past the committee.

when i watch the contenders prepare for their events, i see something in their faces that most people don't have. determination. focus. a calm consistency that only discipline could bring.

i think that has only happened to me once in my life. when i was competing for miss kansas. stay with me on this one. i had been competing in preliminary pageants for months before obtaining a crown that would move me on to the miss kansas competition (a title, if won, would take me to miss america). put all of your preconceived notions aside about this world of "beauty pageants" and hear me out. i worked every day in the gym, had a strict eating schedule, booked myself for a community service or speaking event three times a week on top of my full-time job, last semester of college and responsibilities at my church. it wasn't easy. but i was focused ... i had a goal ... to win. and i had a specific motivation to win that made this schedule feel normal and completely worth the chaos.

but it hasn't really happened since.

i wish i were that focused in my search for God. ha. i even applied to seminary because i thought it would at least get me in the habit of reading and meditating on God's word.

i wish i were more focused in my career, but my brain sees WAY too many directions in which i could take myself.

i wish i had that ONE THING that i devoted my life to. like swimming, gymnastics ... an art.

being in l.a. makes it much more clear that i'm just flailing around trying desperately to attach myself to SOMETHING so that i can move forward with intentionality. i wish i were like vince and knew that i was created to be a director. i wish i were like my brother who has been so diligent in mastering his craft since childhood because he just knew he was created to design roller coasters.

erwin once said that if we don't enjoy the discipline required to become great at (insert dream here) ... it's not really what we're passionate about.

i really hope that THING comes soon ... or at the least ... i hope the pursuit of IT shapes me into becoming the person i was created to be.

so i envy the olympians as i watch them take the world stage and wear proudly all that they've worked so hard for around their necks in shiny gold fashion. but my envy turns to admiration and desire when i watch them step off the platform to do it again ... and again ... and again.

i hope that some day i'll have that much discipline to breed the greatest of myself.