why do we try to make people believe in God in the context in which we first believed?

that's one thought that has been plaguing me for a while. the other ...

i don't want the fears of others to be my fears. i think i've felt this way for a really long time, but didn't realize how to communicate it (that has been happening a lot lately). in terms of my faith and what i chose to believe at a young age, i feel especially passionate about this. just because you were afraid that you wouldn't be a super-christian if you weren't on the top of the christian bubble you created, doesn't mean that has to be my life. yet, somehow i believed it was ... perhaps for long enough to keep me from thinking that God couldn't or wouldn't exist elsewhere. which became really toxic when i believed that people who didn't go to church would never have a conversation with God (because we all know God doesn't talk to people outside of chapel - insert cynicism). even more toxic was when i didn't want to hang out with people who didn't go to church because i didn't want them to ruin my "good christian girl" persona that i had worked so hard to build.

but what was there to hide? what was i afraid of? was i afraid that He could exist outside of the subculture in which i was a part?

did i want to risk it? did i want to step down from my position in the bubble to find answers to the questions that were keeping me awake at night? did i want to risk everything i had ever known just to hear what other people had to say and see things things from a different vantage point?

what if i started to doubt that what i believed in wasn't real?

it has been more than two years since i popped my own bubble and began to create new paradigms. i'm sure you're wondering why i'm still having problems with this, but you have to understand ... this was my life. and old habits don't die easily. but my own fear that i would always wonder 'what if' completely trumped the fears of those around me ... and now ...

now i live this dichotomous life where i feel like a heretic when i find myself more alive doing something outside of the church and yet strangely confused and almost sad that the illusion of my faith only existing in the church has been proven to be just that ... an illusion.

i've posed this question multiple times, not in a cry for help or in some desperate attempt to say 'i'm lost ... someone come find me and take me back to the bubble.' but i wonder ...

what next?

what's next for the person of faith who is now more passionate about small business development in third world countries than she is of her lifetime dream of being a renowned worship leader? what does the next five years look like for my spiritual journey if the things that once defined me as a 'believer' are now existential?

trivial?

maybe.

but for some reason, i can't shake the big christian conferences out of my head and the dream i once had of owning a spot on the stage in front of thousands of youth groups. wouldn't it have been so cool to say to my christian friends that i sang next to the giants in the worship industry? wouldn't it have been great to have sang for passion or be the next hillsong united? but what would i tell all of my friends who don't understand the significance of that? would i just show them pictures and say that i sang with a band at a cool conference in front of a lot of people and that would be the end of the conversation?

i'm starting to think that all of this internal drama is for a reason. because when you live in the bubble for that long, you only know how to talk to people in the way that people in the bubble understand or appreciate. for everyone else, it's gibberish and really quite meaningless. so, yes, it is good for me to remember the bubble. because the bubble is powerful. the bubble is full of inherently good people. and i will always have a place for the bubble in my heart because that's what was first so familiar to me.

but i think it is obvious that i needed something more to care about than myself. i needed to believe in God for reasons other than the security of having a bubble to belong to.

again, for those of you have been reading this blog for a while and feel that i'm being repetitive and seem to be battling the same dilemma ... i'm sure you're annoyed. trust me, i live with me ... i understand.

it all comes down to letting go of who i think i am and figuring out why i've been holding on to that person and why i feel i had to become that person. because, if you can't tell, i'm not at all content with the person i always thought i was supposed to be. and while i'm happy with the progress, i'm not quite there yet ... and that's frustrating.

until tomorrow ...