i quit my job.
not in the crazy - postal employee kind-of way where you storm out in a tantrum, slamming every door behind you.
although i'm sure that would have made for a great story, it seemed a bit too dramatic (even for me), so i gave significant notice. the only problem, is that i quit before lining something up for myself, which is one of two things: risky or stupid.
i convinced myself that my reasons are valid. my organization is entirely too stagnant, dysfunctional and bureaucratic to really actualize the potential lying beneath the surface. which no one would negate. not only am i completely justified in that reason, i look to be terribly self-aware in saying that i'm also terrified of becoming apathetic, immobile and resistent to change. again, all of which is true.
but this is also true: i'm scared and i'm being dishonest. both of which have been historically cyclical in my personal and professional decision making processes.
my fear of staying the same ... of not learning ... of not growing, forced me to take a leap of faith three years ago and move from kansas to l.a.
without a job lined up or a clear direction for what was next.
see a pattern?
i convinced myself (and most everyone else) that i was moving to pursue a master's degree with a non profit i had fallin in love with. i told my boss i would be leaving in order to pursue higher education ambitions ... and to change the world. i told my church i was off to serve in a greater capacity. and i told my family not to worry ... that i knew what i was doing.
here's the thing. i thought i had to have a reason. one that made everyone feel like i wasn't going off the deep end and sabotaging my life. i didn't want them to think i was being irresponsible or naive. but i was also hoping i would be a success story of how important taking risks are if we are ever to evolve.
the sad thing is ... there was really nothing profound about my move other than ... i did it and survived. the truth is, i didn't really need a reason to move, other than ... "i feel like experiencing something new."
my fear of what people would think led me to be dishonest with myself and everyone else ... in that situation and my in my current situation.
i'm bored. i need direction. i need a challenge. i want to live and work in l.a. i'm tired of commuting. i want to feel connected. and, yes, i'm annoyed with my organization. but mostly, this just isn't what i want to be doing with my life ... my career.
since that sounds less sexy and melodramatic, i opted for placing blame while i figured out a 'real' answer for my departure.
i told a mentor the other day that i'm afraid of being 'stuck' where i am. his response: "you're never stuck if you're good." and then it hit me ... the only thing standing in between reality and the reality i want is me. and i have to believe i am better than that.
so. here's to being real with yourself and pursuing the life you want ... even if it doesn't always make sense.
