i have this incredible ability to acquire stressful situations in clumps.

take this week, for instance:

alice and i found out we are moving next weekend on monday. great! that's possitive stress because we're sooo looking forward to it.

then on tuesday, my job decides to kick into double over drive. why? oh, because i'm trying to finalize plans for my three week india/china trip that takes place the week after i move into my new place. again, good stress ... i mean, hey, i'm traveling overseas doing what i love for three weeks so i shouldn't be complaining.

then there's school. six credit units of master's classes and books that are staring me in the face ... taunting me as i try and get at least ONE thing done a day (which doesn't happen to include home work).

but here's where it gets a bit ridiculous. on top of moving, i'm having to find a replacement roommate, which means fielding the constant flow of email responses to my craigslist ad and scheduling time for my other two roommates to interview these individuals. on top of THAT we had a bit of an argument last night over money (it's always about money isn't it?) which totally stressed me out and made me feel like a complete jerk (but, i don't want to get screwed over either). and worst of all, i had unintentionally hurt vince. because in the midst of all these transitions, i have successfully left no time for him and i to spend together before i leave the country for three weeks.

oh, and i forgot to mention ... my birthday is a few days after we move into our new place (and a few days before i leave the country) and it's the big 2.5. so you better believe i've been using what little energy i have left to round people up for that!

all of this semi "good stress" has now equated to not-so-good stress.

sigh.

so my question ... is there ever a good time to go through transitions and embrace new opportunities? will we ever really be prepared for them?

if i knew it was going to be this insane for a few weeks, would i have made the decision to do what i really wanted? hmmm. would we ever step into moments that are too large for us if we knew how small we'd feel while we were in them?

alice and i found out today that we have been approved for the loft in downtown l.a.! :)

so ...

meet alice (my best friend in l.a.)


meet downtown l.a. (our favorite place in the world)


we move in less than 2 weeks. this blog may get pretty interesting!

is it so wrong for me to long for the stereotypes to be shattered? for the lies to be proven wrong? for someone to pursue me, hold me, fight for me when i seem most untouchable?

i'm thinking that the moments when i have pushed everyone away, are the very moments i'm hoping they'll wrap their arms around me. could this be true for others? if it is, it sure makes love more difficult than i imagined.

ten-shuhn:
1. the act of stretching or straining.
2. the state of being stretched or strained.
3. mental or emotional strain; intense, suppressed suspense, anxiety

my brain hurts. you know the feeling of having a complete battle within your own mind and you can't run from it because, well, where you go ... there you are?

that's me.

all the time.

my friend cliff says i'm in a "Dip" (read Seth Godin's book and you'll know what he's referring to).

i say i'm just confused.

i wish i wasn't that way. i wish i could be a little more carefree sometimes (oh let's be honest ... a lot of times), but it doesn't seem to come as easy for me as it does for others.

"the impulse in our world when faced with tension is to come up with the seven steps or the formula so that if you do things in the right order the tension will go away. but that doesn't always work. one of the marks of someone who has experienced significant growth in their soul is their ability to live in the midst of tension." rob bell

so i'm thinking in this very moment, where tension seems thick, that decisions need to be made so that i don't contribute or perpetuate the madness. aha .. i read on ...

"as human beings, we take part through our actions in the ongoing creation of the world. the question is, what kind of world are we going to make? what kind of world will our energies create? we will take it somewhere. the question is, Where?" rob bell

i love chaos. i really do. but it's not so awesome when i can't organize it or fix it. and when dealing with my own chaos, it seems much more terrifying and convoluted.

that's why today, i need you to be patient with me.

and hopefully tomorrow my energy will be focused on things with a bit more substance and potential.

i'm turning 25 in about 3 weeks and i've decided that things need to start changing around here.

i feel like i've had a pretty good track record so far of pursuing the things that make me come alive. but something has been a little off for the past six months or so ...

i just don't feel like i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be.

so. i figured out what my problem was and i'm moving like a madwoman in the direction of where my heart seems to leap with joy ...

DOWNTOWN L.A.

now, some of you may know that i've always had a dream of being the big city girl that thrives in the chaos of millions of other faceless individuals fighting to survive. this is where i find energy.

recently, however, something has happened. when i picture myself gleefully walking in between the sky rises (with starbucks in hand), i actually see familiar faces in the crowd. i see people who i have invited into my home for coffee. i see people who i have sat with on the curb and heard miraculous stories of redemption and love. and more importantly, i see people who believe that, in the heart of L.A., something is stirring inside of us all, begging us to choose the life we were made for.

with that, my best friend here in l.a. and i put an application in for a loft in the center of the city. we're waiting to be approved and praying that this vision will become a lifestyle for us soon. :)

sometimes all you need is a little reminder that it's perfectly fine to pursue the things that bring life, energy and hope to your soul. and i think it's in this place where i have found a renewed faith that new beginnings bring a deeper hope and more opportunities to love.

waiting rooms ... not a fan. i could give you multiple reasons why, but the most dominant reason ... i don't like to wait.

it seems so unnatural. everything around me is in constant motion, yet, i'm forced to wait my turn. for what? an invitation from the nurse to come in and wait in another room only to have the "professional" tell me what i already know? no thanks.

but here's what i've learned about the giant waiting room i've been in for the past year:

- more has happened in my waiting that has prepared me for this moment i'm about to step into.
- the fear of moving forward is actually worse than the movement itself.
- sometimes we just need to calm down.
- and sometimes, we need to be ok with being in the present.

now, for someone like me that likes to think i'm far more progressive than perhaps i really am, these have been difficult lessons. i'm stubborn, and i like to think i have it all together ... and i most certainly don't like people telling me their theories for what i should do because, in my mind, i'm on a completely different health plan than everyone else.

but here's the deal. while i may be a bit impatient, i'm also aware that where i am is where i need to be. but the crazy thing is that i'm not fully engaged because of a fear that i'll lose everything. it's scary to leave things behind, you know? whether it's material possessions or dreams you carried with you that really need to be let go of ... it's scary.

no longer. there is now a glimmer of hope that, even losing everything wouldn't be so bad ... if it leads me to where my heart longs to be.

"But don’t worry, usually the threat of death makes people a lot more aware of their lives." (The Alchemist)

So ...

I am impatient. Stubborn. Fearful. Human.

But I have hope.

In the last post I mentioned that I've been entertaining the possibility that, perhaps who I thought I was isn't exactly who I really am.

Since I began this blog, I have posted multiple times of my struggles to connect with God since moving to L.A. I have also mentioned that I was seeking to find value and worth in the church, not in Christ (which, consequently, has conditioned me to validate my own spirituality on that barometer as well ... not good).

As I move towards a better understanding of who I am and why God wanted me to be here and nowhere else at this point in my life, I am realizing that maybe it's all about faith:

Izzy about Dr. Yang: "She knows what she wants. She has this faith in her skill and in herself. An unwavering faith. She knows who she is and I want that. I was chasing cardio because I want what she has. The faith part. I want that."

You see, that's just it. I want an unwavering faith that leaves me encouraged and hopeful even when things don't go as I thought they would. I want to just know that God is proud of me for pushing myself and asking the hard questions. I want to know that He is all around me and speaking fresh vision and life into my soul. And none of that comes with over analyzing or reason ... it comes with faith.

I have to wake up tomorrow believing that I'm on a path different from what I know for a reason much larger than myself. I need to believe that the millions of people that I'm surrounded by need me to be with them and that I need them to be with me (even if it makes me uncomfortable). Because, in the end, we're all trying to find meaning ...

and if I just had a little more faith ...

maybe ...

just maybe ...

they would hold on long enough to know what really mattered.

Dr. Bailey: "But at the end of the day, the fact that we show up for each other in spite of our differences, no matter what we believe, is reason enough to keep believing."

I am a person of faith.

so i submitted a question during a discussion time with Erwin McManus this week and he addressed it last night:

"I moved to L.A. from the Bible belt to pursue my dreams. Why do I seem more disconnected from God (or even less spiritual) here than I did back home?"

Answer: L.A. helps you to know who you really are.

Yeah. I'll just leave it at that ... that's a great way to set up my forthcoming blogs.

Came across this today in some research:

"You are an original, an utterly unique human being. You cannot have the life you want, make the decisions you want, or be the leader you are capable of being until your actions represent an authentic expression of who you really are, or who you wish to become." Susan Scott

While I was hoping to post the quintessential blog for the first day of the new year, touting new beginnings, clean slates and the infamous resolution piece, my thoughts are on quite the contrary.

I awoke this first day of 2008 feeling anything but refreshed. In fact, if anything, I was assured that New Years Day is really a day we all beg for fresh starts and pasts that are miraculously erased as the little ball drops at midnight. We (meaning I) ultimately hope to rise on January first a new person.

But this morning was different. This morning I was met with sadness from an unresolved conflict the evening before. I was met with lingering confusion about where I'm going and what I will be doing in the coming year and worst, I was reassured that I am still ridiculously far away from being the person I hope to become.

Perfect.

Not only was I having a difficult time embracing the new year (already), I started the day doubting humanity as my friend and I stepped outside only to find that her car was vandalized overnight. Seriously?

Here's where things get a bit more positive ... ironically.

My attitude sucks ... often. Not on purpose ... honestly. I just have a lot going on in my brain, which totally isn't anyone else's fault, and I take myself WAY too seriously (which consequently leaves me with a really irritated expression on my face). My point ...

I can't control what happens to me or my friends or my family. But I can control how I react and how I represent myself in moments of adversity or new and uncomfortable situations. I also know that not everyone is exactly like me, nor do they come from a place I'm familiar with ... which means I could actually be wrong on a few things. And that's terrifying to me. I want to be able to relate ... to coexist and bring hope in the midst of it all.

So my thoughts on 2008 so far ...

It will only be a good year for me if I choose to put other people before myself. To seek to understand them rather than be understood.

Oh, this is going to be an interesting year ...