waiting rooms ... not a fan. i could give you multiple reasons why, but the most dominant reason ... i don't like to wait.

it seems so unnatural. everything around me is in constant motion, yet, i'm forced to wait my turn. for what? an invitation from the nurse to come in and wait in another room only to have the "professional" tell me what i already know? no thanks.

but here's what i've learned about the giant waiting room i've been in for the past year:

- more has happened in my waiting that has prepared me for this moment i'm about to step into.
- the fear of moving forward is actually worse than the movement itself.
- sometimes we just need to calm down.
- and sometimes, we need to be ok with being in the present.

now, for someone like me that likes to think i'm far more progressive than perhaps i really am, these have been difficult lessons. i'm stubborn, and i like to think i have it all together ... and i most certainly don't like people telling me their theories for what i should do because, in my mind, i'm on a completely different health plan than everyone else.

but here's the deal. while i may be a bit impatient, i'm also aware that where i am is where i need to be. but the crazy thing is that i'm not fully engaged because of a fear that i'll lose everything. it's scary to leave things behind, you know? whether it's material possessions or dreams you carried with you that really need to be let go of ... it's scary.

no longer. there is now a glimmer of hope that, even losing everything wouldn't be so bad ... if it leads me to where my heart longs to be.

"But don’t worry, usually the threat of death makes people a lot more aware of their lives." (The Alchemist)

So ...

I am impatient. Stubborn. Fearful. Human.

But I have hope.