so we have a core value at mosaic that says, "relevance to culture is not optional."

i love this.

it's challenging. compelling. and ultimately uncomfortable.

we exist to create culture ... not to conform to it or except the status quo. yet, in creating culture, there is a very distinct line (so i believe) between creating something relevant and creating something relevant to only christian sub-culture.

not to bash on christian radio, but it's such a prime example. why is it that i can tune in to their stations and hear, 86% of the time, a song that was released by a major christian artist almost ten years ago? has no one made any new music since i was in high school and college in that industry? i'm sure they have and i'm sure at least SOME of it can hang with the creative genius of some of our "secular" artist (hate that word by the way).

and if it can't ... uh ... that's a problem. don't you think?

first things first:

1. yes, i'm ok ... apparently a 5.4 earthquake just shakes you up a little ... no massive injuries or damage.
2. i just so happened to change the radio station today in time to hear the dj say, "so you're at home babysitting your brothers and sisters this summer?" kid says: "yeah. it's not too bad." dj: "this is great practice for when you're a mom!"

what? really?

it was a christian radio station, so i understand where the lady was coming from. BUT, do we HAVE to assume that every woman is going to be a mother? honestly. i was secretly wishing this little girl would have responded with whitty charm and said, "i would agree, however, i'm thinking this is great practice for when i'm managing a team of 300 at a fortune 50 corporation." ha!

ok ... off my social conditioning soap box.

on to a more personal and humiliating topic: selfishness.

the definition: characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself

so, i don't like this definition because it seems so unlike me (or who i think i am). but last night ... i was a total jerk.

i agreed to go to a screening of a feature film to support a girl who i know through vince and his family. she's a really cool person who is ridiculously talented in the production area of film. for some reason, i didn't think that it was going to be a full-length film ... an hour and a half ... and i didn't think (for some reason) that is was going to start at 10 p.m.

now, like most people, there is a point in the night where i start to lose energy and all willingness to be social. but, since my emotions are usually written all over my face, this become very obvious to EVERYONE when that time hits AND i'm not enjoying myself.

not a good combo.

after the film was finished, we waited around for another hour chatting and such and i just got increasingly more antsy. i was tired. i had to be up and at 'em really early. and the film wasn't that great so i was just thinking, "this is such a waste of my time."

then vince and i were in the car and he said, "yeah, the film wasn't that great, but i have to commend her ... she wanted to make a feature film and she did. i haven't even done that."

here i was, complaining about what an inconvenience this whole situation was for me, when i was there to celebrate the fact that someone in this city actually saw their dream unfold before their very eyes ... on the big sreen.

the sad thing is, she has no idea that there is a God that may very well have created her to produce films that matter. she has no idea that her dreams have the potential to change the course of humanity ... with one blockbuster film. she doesn't care about the story line right now. she just wanted to make a feature film. but what if i got over myself for one second and realized that i had the power to speak into her life, in that moment, and call her to something much bigger than even this great accomplishment?

what if i manifested my concern and care for everyone BUT myself ... moments like last night would become my reason for living, not my reason to keep other people from living the life they're so certain they were created to live.

"alfred: endure, master wayne. take it. he'll hate you for it. but that's the point of batman, he can be the outcast. he can make the choice that no one else can make, the righteous.

the joker: i took gotham's white knight, and lowered him to our level. it wasn't hard. y'see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. all it takes is a little...push." the dark knight, 2008

i saw this movie in the same theater that i saw indian jones in. again, the experience was incredible. but this film, more than any other film i've seen in the past year, articulated so much of what i feel right now.

i am finally at a place where, all the changes in the past few years mixed with my haunting past, will either get the best of me or i'll realize that i was created for something truly unique.

now, i'm not saying that i'm liking myself to a super hero. nor am i saying that i'm in danger of going off the deep end. i'm just saying that there is a clear battle in my life that will either wear me down or bring me the very motivation needed to fight for what's right.

for some people it's really easy. they just believe.

for me ... it's just not that easy. i watched as bruce wayne struggled with his role. he was tired, wanted to give up and just turn himself in so he didn't have to fight anymore. the idea that he could have just led a normal life and had the same level of responsibility as everyone else, yet having this nagging feeling that you were created to do more than that. THAT is what i identify with. i haven't even been fighting for long and i can tell you that i'm exhausted. and i wish i could just say that i don't care anymore ... but i can't. and that's really irritating. actually, what's really irritating is that i'm not sure if i'm cut out for it.

what i do know is that i have a choice. i can choose to believe i was created to bring hope and life and endure the hardships or live a life of apathy and destruction.

both are powerful. both have the potential to change the course of history. but only one will give me the chance to live an authentic life and bring other people into an understanding that they are worth fighting for. and at the end of the day, i think i would rather be tired than wonder if we should have fought a little harder for what was right.

"we actually thrive in dark places - we're the light of the world. if we can't thrive in the dark, we probably won't thrive anywhere." erwin mcmanus

you've got the iPhone, iPod, iLife etc.

you're a macbook lover who's a pro at the interfaces and interchanges of anything apple.

your iTV is connected to your iTunes and plays throughout your house on your sound system.

it's an addiction.

and you like it.

well, last friday, i joined you (and thousands of your nerdy friends). i have to say ...

it.was.beautiful.

i gave in and stood in line for a product on launch day ... on my own free will. i waited in the sun for over an hour just to get into the store. people would pass by and say things like, "i would never stand in line for a phone." i caught myself getting really defensive and thought, "what has gotten into me? this really isn't normal ... who stands in line for a phone?"

we do. that's who. as i stood in line, enthusiastic apple employees came by to offer water, umbrellas and good conversation. there is no way i was as tired as these guys. the line had been 6 hours long since 8 a.m. and we were just catching the tail end of it. but they were into their job. doing nothing but crowd control and handing out water bottles, yet skipping up and down the line like little kids in a candy store. someone told me they handed out starbucks coffee for the early morning fanatics.

brilliant. simply brilliant.

i'm a believer now. a true, through and through, believer in this product and the company. i'm convinced they are the only product developers that have made millions (including myself) dream of long walks on the beach at sunset with their brand new iPhones and macbook pros.

thanks a lot apple. you have officially turned me into a "hip" nerd.

warning: the contents of this post are uncharacteristically mushy.

that was us. exactly one year ago today. meeting each other for the first time.

we started talking because someone mentioned he went to the same university that i work for. then the conversation led to much more important things, like food. :) he mentioned that he loves cooking and i mentioned that i love eating. i spoke of the sadness i felt having left kansas (the land of beef and juicy steaks) to enter the land of sushi and vegan meals. and, in that moment, our eyes met and time stood still (cue freeze frame).

"i love steak. you should come over and i'll make you dinner." vince
"that would be awesome!" krysta

now, let's be honest. here's a guy who loves to cook AND he's italian so he can't suck too bad at it, right?

so a few hours later, when the party was wrapping up and people were gathering their things, vince walks over to me and says, "what are you doing next friday?" after i responded, "nothing ..." he says, "let me have your number so we can plan a time for dinner."

just like that.

and the rest is history folks.

the first guy in l.a. to have asked me out on a date. the first guy to have ever won my heart so quickly. and the first guy that, after almost a year of dating ... i still get butterflies when i see him.

let me tell you ladies and gents ... i am not exactly the biggest softy in the world and my days of wanting to be married for the sake of wearing a cool dress and scanning items at target for a registry are long gone. but there was something about his confidence and undeniable authenticity that made me take a risk and say yes.

i think today is almost more beautiful than the day that marks our first real date with one another. because what happened july 14, 2007, changed the way i view myself and the way i view the people around me. i felt confident, for the first time since moving to l.a., to let someone close enough to see the real me. what happened as a result, are memories that trump all of the other moments in my past that told me that this was never possible.

if only for the reason that it brought me hope, i would cherish that day. but it brought me love ...

now i see that one encounter, one conversation, one moment. holds the potential to change your life.

few random thoughts ...

i watched "fight club" for the first time ever last night and have one word: brilliant.

i apologize to all of you who deeply appreciate the art of film-making for such an insult to this revered film, but i am now on your side ... if you'll have me.

it did make me wonder though ...

when people get drunk, is the person they become really the person they hope to be in real life?

similarly, when i have a ridiculous high from my grande iced coffee in the morning and hash out 10-page papers for grad school in a matter of hours (that actually sound itelligent), does that mean i'm only a good writer under the influence?

hmmm.

i do prefer my whitty and more intelligent ego to my slightly less cool regular self.

i just hope i don't have to shoot myself in the throat if my other personality takes over ...

some of you out there may be thinking the chances of you getting into heaven are diminishing as each day closes. i get that. i've had those days too.

some of you would prefer hell over a sing-along in the sky or spending eternity with people from your childhood church that gave you the "fire and brimstone" speeches. i get that too.

but, seriously, if hell is anything like jury duty ... i'm out.

i sat in the same chair, in the same wood paneled-fluorescent-lit-stuffy room full of miserably disturbed individuals for four and a half hours.

four and a half hours.

the same chair.

next to the same guy who had increasingly more stale coffee/morning breath as each second passed.

i couldn't read, couldn't hold a conversation, couldn't even make a to-do list about what i would do if i were not in that wretched room.

all kidding aside and sparing you further rantings on this topic ...

well, except for this one: how much do you think the economy suffers each day with the amount of people who miss a full work day simply sitting in a room for 8 hours?

sorry. sidetracked ... my point ...

i'm convinced that hell is one giant waiting room full of people who feel like they're missing out on something better, but can't do anything about it.

and that would suck.

i went with a group of friends this weekend to solvang to go wine tasting.

SUCH a great time. beautiful country, great company, fantastic wine and just what i needed to regain some perspective. and, as most of you know, my perspective on just about everything has been stretched, beat up, twisted around and transformed in the nearly two years that this blog has been alive. so a nice little outing to get a bird-eye view of life ... as i know it ... was just what i needed.

as we were driving back, i looked at the ocean with the same fondness that i had the first time it came into view when i arrived in california. powerful and enticing ... so new and thrilling ... everything was jumping around inside of my stomach as i came to grips with the fact that THIS ... this beauty was my new reality. that same enthusiasm made me smile and i turned to vince to tell him how much driving down the coast reminds me of my first taste of a decision that changed my life.

i hardly remember that girl. i remember she was crazy ... clearly ... who just picks up and moves from wichita, kansas to l.a.? i remember that she had no idea what her life would entail once she started unpacking her things in her new home by the beach. and i remember most that the person she thought she came here to become, isn't the person she is today. and there is something astoundingly redemptive about that.

i know i still have her fire, passion, desire for more ... i have her smile and her giggle as i drive along the beach on a sunny day ...

but there are so many things i have now that that person never even dreamed of. she had no idea what was coming :) no idea what adventure awaited her. and that brings me so much hope for what is to come.

as i stared back and forth between the ocean and vince, i thought ...

i'm so glad some things never change, but so thankful most things do.