I just started grad school last week and my first class is covering business ethics.

It's warping my brain and I often feel the need to stare at blank walls for minutes at a time just to keep my head from exploding.

That said ... I thought I'd pose a question.

What are your top 10 values?

Can you even think of 10? If so, how many of them do you feel are universal and how many of them were formed based on the environment you were raised or currently living within?

I'll be honest. It was really difficult for me to come up with a list of 10 values on the spot. We began to discuss the differing lists within in our classroom and I realized how close minded I had been for so long.

Then it hit me ...

How many times have I asked someone to compromise their values because I wasn't aware that they may have a different top 10 than I? And similarly, how many times have I compromised my own values because I didn't have a clear understanding of what I stood for?

Ugh. I knew I shouldn't have signed up for this. The last thing I needed was more to think about :)

loy·al·ty (loi'əl-tē)

1. A feeling or attitude of devoted attachment and affection.
2. Feelings of allegiance.

This ...



is the antithesis of loyalty.

I was sitting in Starbucks last week on Sunset/La Brea and I noticed a sleeve sitting on my table from Coffee Bean.

I have to say, I was a little offended. I mean, Starbucks customers are adamant about consuming the luxuries of the Bucks beans. Besides, the legendary service is unbeatable! HOWEVER, someone made it into my 3rd place without a care in the world about the grande experience they were paying $4.32 for.

How is it that we won them over enough to get them to pay too much for a common product, yet we couldn't capture their hearts enough to keep them from seeing us as a sloppy second?

I know we can't make everyone a fanatic of our products. But wouldn't it be nice to know that, even in the most superficial/image driven place on earth, we could at least sell an idea that was constant?

I realized something that day. I don't want to be around people who just want a refill ...

:)
(note: don't take this one too seriously)

I'll post something more interesting later, but right now something is irritating me.

For those of you that don't live in California with me, you should know that my life has been like a movie lately. The kind of movie I like ... with the independent starlet who finds romance in the big city and finds herself whisked away on spontaneous adventures and recapping the madness with her close girlfriends over weekend brunches.

Some call them chick flicks. I call them goodness.

Here's the problem. Some of the people I share life with don't want to hear about the unexpected turn of events in my life. Instead, they refer me to others who have the same lot.

Why is it that when something good happens to someone, we can't share the excitement with them? Why is it that we seem to be more interested in sharing life with people who are less fortunate (or at least equally as unfortunate)? I know it makes us feel better about ourselves, but geez. Throw me a freaking bone.

I didn't plan this for myself. There is no way I could have dreamed this life up for myself. And I'm grateful. I'm grateful that God is so intentional about pursuing me even though I had already committed to my own plans (with or without Him).

To not be able to have conversations about what He's doing in my life because it makes you uncomfortable, puts me in a position where I don't feel like I deserve it until Hope comes to you in the way you're hoping it will.

It's not about me. It's not about you. It's about the conversation that God is having with us. I'm trying to process what He's saying and I wish I could have the ears of those closest to me. Perhaps we'll be able to talk again when there is an understanding that He's pursuing you just as passionately.

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that i fight is at best only light and momentary,
Then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
An avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you

Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

Thanks to Brooke Fraser for putting into words the conversation that is occurring in my soul.

I've been processing a lot lately. In fact, I haven't posted an entry because my head is experiencing a sensory overload and only fragments of sentence structures are being produced.

Today, however, I have something to say. Something that has come about after weeks of internal conflict and absolute torture. So here goes ... the question I'm not even sure I'm ready to answer quite yet ...

If I took away everything that defines me (my leadership roles, my job, my music, my accolades), would what's left be enough?

Even more terrifying than perhaps the answer that I'm leaning towards ... Do I believe that others would be drawn to me, love me or invests their time in me if all that existed was the remainder? The heart. The soul. Just me.

I was on my back patio this morning with my bowl of fruit, marveling at my little plants and trying to figure out how I am going to hang my new patio lights, when I remembered how my summer mornings used to be.

We would stay the night at grandma and grandpas and wake up super early, go to the local donut shop, bring them back with our chocolate milk and sit on the gazebo outside. The birds would be chirping, the breeze would be just right and Tanner and I would be laughing, undoubtedly, at a joke grandpa just made. Grandma would be watering the plants around us and asking us what adventure we wanted to go on that afternoon.

I loved those mornings.

Since I moved to California, there have been many days when those memories come to mind. Some days, I go to the donut shop a few blocks down and bring them back and sit outside. Other days, I'm content with a healthier food choice, my MacBook and a nice cup of coffee.

What are your favorite summer memories?

Tonight is my night.

I'm alone.

Finally.

After weeks of social interaction and incredible moments with some of my favorite people, I can finally ... relax. It's not easy for me to just sit back and give myself room to breathe. I like breathing and all, but sometimes when I stop for too long, I begin to hear things that scare me ... things that I've been trying to ignore and drown out with the noise of my life. (usually things like, "leave everything you know and move to california," "let people take care of you," etc.)

I've been in this place before. Many times. When I've been running for long enough that God finally throws road blocks too thick for me to dance around.

A year ago, I found myself in a car with my grandparents, arriving at my new home in Southern California. The adventure and pure exhilaration of trying something new was enough to last me through an entire year of self-discovery and transitioning. Now, in this place I call home, I am being beckoned to embark on another journey of equal risk and greater faith. One that requires I find what I'm made of at the core.

So, a year later (after leaving Oz), I'm much closer to being the person I always felt I could be. I'm happy. Energized. Passionate. Daring. Compassionate. Strong. Independent. I've surrounded myself with people who show me what life looks like through different eyes. And, as of late, I've become very aware of the fears I need to conquer.

This year has been breathtaking.

I relax willingly tonight after a year well spent ...

livin.the.dream.

can you believe it? i'm celebrating my one year anniversary in l.a. tomorrow.

for those who are here in l.a. with me, i apologize for making this week a blatant celebration of the massive leap of faith i took last year. and i thank you for humoring me and celebrating with me :)

to my fabulous friends who took me to Wicked last night ... you're the best! for those of you coming to waffle night tomorrow after the Mayan ... get ready for the time of your life (or at least week)!

as for tomorrow, i'll be doing what i love most.

Fried food. Crazy people. Screaming kids. Bad talent. 4H. Over-sized veggies. Cows. Pigs. Sunflowers. And Korey. Best combination ever!