i've been sitting in the starbucks on 6th and grand for a little more than an hour now. my goal was to have been well on my way to achieving a solid momentum in writing the remainder of my thesis today but things are not looking hopeful.
this thesis has caused me to think about so many things that i have disregarded, mainly because they seem a bit too complex for a normal day's worth of contemplation. so as many prepare to celebrate with their families today ... i write.
my little table in the corner is covered with papers, books and, of course, my macbook and coffee. i watch the cars go by with people in their business attire and wonder if they're dreading the next 8 hours of their day or if they're happy to have an excuse not to stay home and clean for guests tonight. then i see people in the office building next to me that are pounding away on their computers, probably trying desperately to finish their workload so they can go home early, while others seem completely un-phased that today is christmas eve. i live in a city with a heavy jewish population, so that could explain the nonchalance of some faces, but still ... there is a strong sense of unrest in the city today.
i'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to go home this weekend. to help my mom make her famous peanut butter cups and dip anything we could find in the kitchen in an endless bowl of chocolate. to see my little sister (who, by the way, is not so little anymore) try on winter formal dresses and get stressed about the perfect shoes for her new outfit. to see the excitement on my grandma's face as she showed me each corner of their new home that she has adorned in christmas decorations. to see my other grandparents laughing at their kitchen table as they recounted stories from the past week of grandma's recovery from eye surgery. and to see my best friend a week away from being full-term with her first child and her emphatically impatient husband who thinks it's ridiculous that he may have to wait a few more weeks to meet his son.
christmas has always been my favorite holiday. everything looks beautiful. the lights, the smells, the cool weather and the laughter of family and friends. and while this year has been a bit different from all the years past, i am thrilled to have had the best of both worlds this season: the joys of past memories and the reality of the future i am creating for myself here ... in l.a.
i'm excited to share my mom's tradition of delicious baked goods and my grandma's attention to aesthetic detail with her gift wrapping with vince's family and friends tonight. and as i muster up the creative energy to move forward with my thesis today, i will remember how blessed i am to have celebrated my favorite time of year with everyone i love.
merry christmas everyone!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
this morning was a bit rough.
the freeway i take to get to work was a complete mess. apparently a big rig from the other side of the road crashed through the cement barriers and onto our side of the road. it's probably safe to say that the people involved in that incident had a far worse morning, but i still found it necessary to be frustrated.
when i finally made it into work, i went through my routine of checking blogs, news websites, emails and facebook.
a few other elements were adding to my already pitiful morning ... like the stress of a final exam this evening (for which i am only mildly prepared), 20 more pages of my thesis that have yet to be written and are looming over my head, christmas shopping that has yet to be completed (with ever depleting funds to work with), my departure at 6:45 a.m. for kansas in which i will spend 3 days absorbing the holiday goodness of my childhood without actually being there for christmas (all thanks to the necessity of finishing my degree) ...
things are just mounting. emotionally. physically. socially.
not as much as they have in the past ... but i certainly had my moment for a few hours this morning.
until ...
i found out that a girl i went to high school with who has two young children, died yesterday of an anuerism. she had a headache and then ...
just.like.that.
gone.
no warning. no goodbyes. no preparation.
just.gone.
suddenly, everything else in my life seemed petty when i thought of her boyfriend and her two little boys and how their morning must have been. so, despite my bad start, i'm determined to end today well. for her. for everyone who won't be given the chance to say goodnight this evening to those they love.
the freeway i take to get to work was a complete mess. apparently a big rig from the other side of the road crashed through the cement barriers and onto our side of the road. it's probably safe to say that the people involved in that incident had a far worse morning, but i still found it necessary to be frustrated.
when i finally made it into work, i went through my routine of checking blogs, news websites, emails and facebook.
a few other elements were adding to my already pitiful morning ... like the stress of a final exam this evening (for which i am only mildly prepared), 20 more pages of my thesis that have yet to be written and are looming over my head, christmas shopping that has yet to be completed (with ever depleting funds to work with), my departure at 6:45 a.m. for kansas in which i will spend 3 days absorbing the holiday goodness of my childhood without actually being there for christmas (all thanks to the necessity of finishing my degree) ...
things are just mounting. emotionally. physically. socially.
not as much as they have in the past ... but i certainly had my moment for a few hours this morning.
until ...
i found out that a girl i went to high school with who has two young children, died yesterday of an anuerism. she had a headache and then ...
just.like.that.
gone.
no warning. no goodbyes. no preparation.
just.gone.
suddenly, everything else in my life seemed petty when i thought of her boyfriend and her two little boys and how their morning must have been. so, despite my bad start, i'm determined to end today well. for her. for everyone who won't be given the chance to say goodnight this evening to those they love.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
i think it has already snowed twice this season back home.
i;'ve been jealous.
real jealous.
while all my friends were facebooking that the christmas weather had hit their front yards, i was walking around southern california, growing increasingly more irritable that people had the audacity to play christmas music in their stores when it was 80 degrees outside.
until yesterday.
the rain began to pour and the temperatures dropped significantly.
i was freezing. wet. and feeling rather cheerful considering the conditions. it wasn't what i was hoping for in terms of seasonal weather, but it would do!
and today ... we have the byproduct of that rain and the cooler temperatures. behold, the view from my office window ...
let it snow let it snow let it snow (even if it's just on the mountains). you may proceed with your christmas music ...
Friday, December 12, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
in a desperate attempt to finish my thesis, i have come across information that i seemed to have overlooked (or completely skipped) in one of my earlier classes.
i'm currently working on a section that analyzes a leadership scenario through peter senge's learning organization model. and i came across a tidbit of information while reviewing his book (the fifth discipline) that i seemed to have missed ...
"a more daunting form of resistance is cynicism." - [my number one talent]
"in combating cynicism, it helps to know its source. scratch the surface of most cynics and you find a frustrated idealist - someone who made the mistake of converting ideals into expectations. for example, many of those cynical about *personal mastery once held high ideals about people. then they found themselves disappointed, hurt, and eventually embittered because people fell short of their ideals."
does this resonate with anyone else but me? this nearly made me collapse this morning when i was highlighting portions that i wanted to make sure i added to my thesis. why was this not highlighted before? i seriously must have skipped this chapter. or maybe it was meant to be that i spent time reading it today ... because it probably wouldn't have been as relevant. (btw, this happens a lot with me as i live in a very creative city, with a lot of people who don't value structure ... something i find crucial to existence as an ENTJ)
he continues ...
"o'brien used to point out that burnout does not just come from working too hard. there are teachers, social workers, and clergy who work incredibly hard until they are 80 years old and never suffer 'burnout' - because they have an accurate view of human nature, of our potential and limitations. they don't over-romanticize people, so they don't feel the great psychological stress when people let them down."
i still don't feel like this excuses mediocrity. nor do i feel like i will ever get to a point where i don't have a value for excellence and efficiency. but it does make me more aware of the expectations i put on other people who don't share the same set of values. and it places the responsibility back on me to make sure i am continually learning how to see my current reality more clearly.
here's my struggle, however: what about those who are leading me? shouldn't i expect more of them? shouldn't i desire that they are more "together" - not perfect - but certainly not average? and worse, what about the expectations i hold of myself as a leader? will i ever be able to give myself a break and realize my own limitations?
*personal mastery is the phrase we use for the discipline of personal growth and learning. people with high levels of personal mastery are continually expanding their ability to create the results in life they truly seek.
i'm currently working on a section that analyzes a leadership scenario through peter senge's learning organization model. and i came across a tidbit of information while reviewing his book (the fifth discipline) that i seemed to have missed ...
"a more daunting form of resistance is cynicism." - [my number one talent]
"in combating cynicism, it helps to know its source. scratch the surface of most cynics and you find a frustrated idealist - someone who made the mistake of converting ideals into expectations. for example, many of those cynical about *personal mastery once held high ideals about people. then they found themselves disappointed, hurt, and eventually embittered because people fell short of their ideals."
does this resonate with anyone else but me? this nearly made me collapse this morning when i was highlighting portions that i wanted to make sure i added to my thesis. why was this not highlighted before? i seriously must have skipped this chapter. or maybe it was meant to be that i spent time reading it today ... because it probably wouldn't have been as relevant. (btw, this happens a lot with me as i live in a very creative city, with a lot of people who don't value structure ... something i find crucial to existence as an ENTJ)
he continues ...
"o'brien used to point out that burnout does not just come from working too hard. there are teachers, social workers, and clergy who work incredibly hard until they are 80 years old and never suffer 'burnout' - because they have an accurate view of human nature, of our potential and limitations. they don't over-romanticize people, so they don't feel the great psychological stress when people let them down."
i still don't feel like this excuses mediocrity. nor do i feel like i will ever get to a point where i don't have a value for excellence and efficiency. but it does make me more aware of the expectations i put on other people who don't share the same set of values. and it places the responsibility back on me to make sure i am continually learning how to see my current reality more clearly.
here's my struggle, however: what about those who are leading me? shouldn't i expect more of them? shouldn't i desire that they are more "together" - not perfect - but certainly not average? and worse, what about the expectations i hold of myself as a leader? will i ever be able to give myself a break and realize my own limitations?
*personal mastery is the phrase we use for the discipline of personal growth and learning. people with high levels of personal mastery are continually expanding their ability to create the results in life they truly seek.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
i like to explore.
usually that manifests itself in the form of travel, but today ... i think i'll flesh it out through an emotion ...
love.
(you know this is going to be good)
yesterday, while i was on the train, i chose to make a conscience effort to love without cowering to my fear of looking weak or ignorant in the process.
because love isn't ultimately about me. (duh, right?)
that's just a misconception i picked up from the same people that caused me to fear love to begin with.
so, i'm trying it out for a while ... see how i like it.
disclaimer: although this will translate into multiple aspects of my life, it primarily effects my brave boyfriend who, for more than a year, has had to watch me retreat when i realize i am too close to vulnerability for any level of comfort.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
my friend amy and i used to have this phrase to describe what we felt we were witnessing in the church (months before we both decided to move).
we called it either the "goosebump" package or the "jacuzzi jesus" package which, of course, alluded to the emphasis placed on having an overly emotional experience in the church. or even just going to church because it made us feel good. i think you get the idea.
well, last night i happened to be sitting in the jacuzzi on my roof with vince and three other people from my complex. they were already there chatting about their travels and reminiscing about old times. vince and i quietly kept to ourselves in the other corner, sipping our starbucks and enjoying the pretty skyline.
it was hard not to hear their conversation because we were the only people on the roof and vince and i weren't really intending to engage in dialog while relaxing in the steamy water. what we heard was undoubtedly entertaining but ultimately devastating.
the conversation began with one of them telling of their recent experiences in india. i almost jumped into the conversation because (as we all know) i seem to have a slight obsession with that country. but i didn't. and i'm glad i didn't.
she went on to talk about spending time at an ashram and learning about different world religions. i agreed that some of the rituals seemed scary and a bit odd. but the interesting thing is that she said, no matter how weird it was, i got sucked in ... like i was in a trance. it was all so cult-ish.
hmm.
that of course led to other stories about other religions and cults. from scientology to self-help groups to hinduism to ... yes ... christianity.
they didn't seem to have a problem with the fundamentals of christianity. they didn't even seem to have a real problem with the church. but one story made them all agree that christianity was just another pyramid scheme ... another cult-like phenomenon.
promise keepers.
now, i know that a lot of good comes out of these conferences. i'm not bashing promise keepers or passion or catalyst or (fill in the blank). i've been to almost every major christian conference you can think of. but this was their perception:
that it was creepy. that it was fake. that is was over the top and all just one big scheme to get you emotionally connected so that you would buy their package at the end of the day.
that's what the two men in the conversation walked away from that experience with when they were 14.
i thought it was ironic that i was hearing this perspective after yesterday's post. vince and i talked about it after they left and felt a little defeated by the way jesus has been portrayed. we completely agreed with what they were saying. we have felt the same way. but cleaning up that mess with people who are trying to stay as far away from those kinds of experiences as possible, seems like a daunting task.
it just makes me wish i never put my own comfort level before the needs of other people. and it makes me even more certain that jesus wasn't about temporary highs ... he was about relationships. until i care more about other people than keeping up my super christian facade, this whole perception will keep perpetuating itself and we'll be oblivious to our categorization of "other world religion" instead of being a revolutionary movement of faith, hope and love.
we called it either the "goosebump" package or the "jacuzzi jesus" package which, of course, alluded to the emphasis placed on having an overly emotional experience in the church. or even just going to church because it made us feel good. i think you get the idea.
well, last night i happened to be sitting in the jacuzzi on my roof with vince and three other people from my complex. they were already there chatting about their travels and reminiscing about old times. vince and i quietly kept to ourselves in the other corner, sipping our starbucks and enjoying the pretty skyline.
it was hard not to hear their conversation because we were the only people on the roof and vince and i weren't really intending to engage in dialog while relaxing in the steamy water. what we heard was undoubtedly entertaining but ultimately devastating.
the conversation began with one of them telling of their recent experiences in india. i almost jumped into the conversation because (as we all know) i seem to have a slight obsession with that country. but i didn't. and i'm glad i didn't.
she went on to talk about spending time at an ashram and learning about different world religions. i agreed that some of the rituals seemed scary and a bit odd. but the interesting thing is that she said, no matter how weird it was, i got sucked in ... like i was in a trance. it was all so cult-ish.
hmm.
that of course led to other stories about other religions and cults. from scientology to self-help groups to hinduism to ... yes ... christianity.
they didn't seem to have a problem with the fundamentals of christianity. they didn't even seem to have a real problem with the church. but one story made them all agree that christianity was just another pyramid scheme ... another cult-like phenomenon.
promise keepers.
now, i know that a lot of good comes out of these conferences. i'm not bashing promise keepers or passion or catalyst or (fill in the blank). i've been to almost every major christian conference you can think of. but this was their perception:
that it was creepy. that it was fake. that is was over the top and all just one big scheme to get you emotionally connected so that you would buy their package at the end of the day.
that's what the two men in the conversation walked away from that experience with when they were 14.
i thought it was ironic that i was hearing this perspective after yesterday's post. vince and i talked about it after they left and felt a little defeated by the way jesus has been portrayed. we completely agreed with what they were saying. we have felt the same way. but cleaning up that mess with people who are trying to stay as far away from those kinds of experiences as possible, seems like a daunting task.
it just makes me wish i never put my own comfort level before the needs of other people. and it makes me even more certain that jesus wasn't about temporary highs ... he was about relationships. until i care more about other people than keeping up my super christian facade, this whole perception will keep perpetuating itself and we'll be oblivious to our categorization of "other world religion" instead of being a revolutionary movement of faith, hope and love.
Monday, December 8, 2008
why do we try to make people believe in God in the context in which we first believed?
that's one thought that has been plaguing me for a while. the other ...
i don't want the fears of others to be my fears. i think i've felt this way for a really long time, but didn't realize how to communicate it (that has been happening a lot lately). in terms of my faith and what i chose to believe at a young age, i feel especially passionate about this. just because you were afraid that you wouldn't be a super-christian if you weren't on the top of the christian bubble you created, doesn't mean that has to be my life. yet, somehow i believed it was ... perhaps for long enough to keep me from thinking that God couldn't or wouldn't exist elsewhere. which became really toxic when i believed that people who didn't go to church would never have a conversation with God (because we all know God doesn't talk to people outside of chapel - insert cynicism). even more toxic was when i didn't want to hang out with people who didn't go to church because i didn't want them to ruin my "good christian girl" persona that i had worked so hard to build.
but what was there to hide? what was i afraid of? was i afraid that He could exist outside of the subculture in which i was a part?
did i want to risk it? did i want to step down from my position in the bubble to find answers to the questions that were keeping me awake at night? did i want to risk everything i had ever known just to hear what other people had to say and see things things from a different vantage point?
what if i started to doubt that what i believed in wasn't real?
it has been more than two years since i popped my own bubble and began to create new paradigms. i'm sure you're wondering why i'm still having problems with this, but you have to understand ... this was my life. and old habits don't die easily. but my own fear that i would always wonder 'what if' completely trumped the fears of those around me ... and now ...
now i live this dichotomous life where i feel like a heretic when i find myself more alive doing something outside of the church and yet strangely confused and almost sad that the illusion of my faith only existing in the church has been proven to be just that ... an illusion.
i've posed this question multiple times, not in a cry for help or in some desperate attempt to say 'i'm lost ... someone come find me and take me back to the bubble.' but i wonder ...
what next?
what's next for the person of faith who is now more passionate about small business development in third world countries than she is of her lifetime dream of being a renowned worship leader? what does the next five years look like for my spiritual journey if the things that once defined me as a 'believer' are now existential?
trivial?
maybe.
but for some reason, i can't shake the big christian conferences out of my head and the dream i once had of owning a spot on the stage in front of thousands of youth groups. wouldn't it have been so cool to say to my christian friends that i sang next to the giants in the worship industry? wouldn't it have been great to have sang for passion or be the next hillsong united? but what would i tell all of my friends who don't understand the significance of that? would i just show them pictures and say that i sang with a band at a cool conference in front of a lot of people and that would be the end of the conversation?
i'm starting to think that all of this internal drama is for a reason. because when you live in the bubble for that long, you only know how to talk to people in the way that people in the bubble understand or appreciate. for everyone else, it's gibberish and really quite meaningless. so, yes, it is good for me to remember the bubble. because the bubble is powerful. the bubble is full of inherently good people. and i will always have a place for the bubble in my heart because that's what was first so familiar to me.
but i think it is obvious that i needed something more to care about than myself. i needed to believe in God for reasons other than the security of having a bubble to belong to.
again, for those of you have been reading this blog for a while and feel that i'm being repetitive and seem to be battling the same dilemma ... i'm sure you're annoyed. trust me, i live with me ... i understand.
it all comes down to letting go of who i think i am and figuring out why i've been holding on to that person and why i feel i had to become that person. because, if you can't tell, i'm not at all content with the person i always thought i was supposed to be. and while i'm happy with the progress, i'm not quite there yet ... and that's frustrating.
until tomorrow ...
that's one thought that has been plaguing me for a while. the other ...
i don't want the fears of others to be my fears. i think i've felt this way for a really long time, but didn't realize how to communicate it (that has been happening a lot lately). in terms of my faith and what i chose to believe at a young age, i feel especially passionate about this. just because you were afraid that you wouldn't be a super-christian if you weren't on the top of the christian bubble you created, doesn't mean that has to be my life. yet, somehow i believed it was ... perhaps for long enough to keep me from thinking that God couldn't or wouldn't exist elsewhere. which became really toxic when i believed that people who didn't go to church would never have a conversation with God (because we all know God doesn't talk to people outside of chapel - insert cynicism). even more toxic was when i didn't want to hang out with people who didn't go to church because i didn't want them to ruin my "good christian girl" persona that i had worked so hard to build.
but what was there to hide? what was i afraid of? was i afraid that He could exist outside of the subculture in which i was a part?
did i want to risk it? did i want to step down from my position in the bubble to find answers to the questions that were keeping me awake at night? did i want to risk everything i had ever known just to hear what other people had to say and see things things from a different vantage point?
what if i started to doubt that what i believed in wasn't real?
it has been more than two years since i popped my own bubble and began to create new paradigms. i'm sure you're wondering why i'm still having problems with this, but you have to understand ... this was my life. and old habits don't die easily. but my own fear that i would always wonder 'what if' completely trumped the fears of those around me ... and now ...
now i live this dichotomous life where i feel like a heretic when i find myself more alive doing something outside of the church and yet strangely confused and almost sad that the illusion of my faith only existing in the church has been proven to be just that ... an illusion.
i've posed this question multiple times, not in a cry for help or in some desperate attempt to say 'i'm lost ... someone come find me and take me back to the bubble.' but i wonder ...
what next?
what's next for the person of faith who is now more passionate about small business development in third world countries than she is of her lifetime dream of being a renowned worship leader? what does the next five years look like for my spiritual journey if the things that once defined me as a 'believer' are now existential?
trivial?
maybe.
but for some reason, i can't shake the big christian conferences out of my head and the dream i once had of owning a spot on the stage in front of thousands of youth groups. wouldn't it have been so cool to say to my christian friends that i sang next to the giants in the worship industry? wouldn't it have been great to have sang for passion or be the next hillsong united? but what would i tell all of my friends who don't understand the significance of that? would i just show them pictures and say that i sang with a band at a cool conference in front of a lot of people and that would be the end of the conversation?
i'm starting to think that all of this internal drama is for a reason. because when you live in the bubble for that long, you only know how to talk to people in the way that people in the bubble understand or appreciate. for everyone else, it's gibberish and really quite meaningless. so, yes, it is good for me to remember the bubble. because the bubble is powerful. the bubble is full of inherently good people. and i will always have a place for the bubble in my heart because that's what was first so familiar to me.
but i think it is obvious that i needed something more to care about than myself. i needed to believe in God for reasons other than the security of having a bubble to belong to.
again, for those of you have been reading this blog for a while and feel that i'm being repetitive and seem to be battling the same dilemma ... i'm sure you're annoyed. trust me, i live with me ... i understand.
it all comes down to letting go of who i think i am and figuring out why i've been holding on to that person and why i feel i had to become that person. because, if you can't tell, i'm not at all content with the person i always thought i was supposed to be. and while i'm happy with the progress, i'm not quite there yet ... and that's frustrating.
until tomorrow ...
Friday, December 5, 2008
it's not that i like to steal ... really. and i'm not even sure that this constitutes as stealing since i got the idea before reading my friend anne's post today. but since she published her thought first ... all technicalities lead to me stealing her creativity and brilliant ideas.
every time i hear this song on the radio it makes me smile. i actually feel like it's more of an anthem than a catchy little tune these days. and when i heard it this morning, i thought, "these are probably words that people all over the world have whispered under their breath in or even screamed out loud at one point or another." it's a song that gives me permission to say i don't have it all figured out ... that i have a lot of questions ... that i'm hoping i'm not living in vain (all within the confines of my car of course).
so here are the lyrics ... for all of those who are wondering the same things - whether you have found something to believe in and are just hoping it's the right choice, or whether you're still searching ... we're all in this together. and by the way ... when i hear this song, it compels me to move forward ... to have the energy to stand up when i have fallen to my fears and insecurities. it reminds me that, while i may feel like a failure at times, that if i just keep moving forward i will find what i'm looking for. it's when we believe that our worst failure is who we really are, that we actually begin to believe we don't deserve the life we were created for. so when we think we're waiting for nothing because it's "already done ... " i'm with the artist of this song when they let out a scream after that phrase. because i think we all know that it's our choice, in that moment, to fight for what we hope to be true. i think it's in that moment that we decide to pursue Truth and resist the temptation to lead a life of mediocrity.
believe :: the bravery
the faces all around me they don't smile they just crack
waiting for our ship to come but our ships not coming back
we do have time like pennies in a jar
what are we saving for [x2]
there's a smell of stale feeling that's drinking from my skins
the drinking never stops because the drink off all our sins
we sit and throw our roots into the floor
what are we waiting for [x2]
so give me something to believe
cause i am living just to breathe
and i need something more
to keep on breathing for
so give me something to believe
something's always coming you can hear it in the ground
it swells into the air
with the rising
rising sound
and never comes but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors
what are we waiting for [x2]
so give me something to believe
cause i am living just to breath
and i need something more
to keep on breathing for
so give me something to believe
i am hiding from some beast
but the beast was always here
watching without eyes
because the beast is just my fear
that i am just nothing
now its just what I've become
what am I waiting for
its already done
ohhhhhhh
so give me something to believe
cause i am living just to breath
and i need something more
to keep on breathing for
so give me something to believe
every time i hear this song on the radio it makes me smile. i actually feel like it's more of an anthem than a catchy little tune these days. and when i heard it this morning, i thought, "these are probably words that people all over the world have whispered under their breath in or even screamed out loud at one point or another." it's a song that gives me permission to say i don't have it all figured out ... that i have a lot of questions ... that i'm hoping i'm not living in vain (all within the confines of my car of course).
so here are the lyrics ... for all of those who are wondering the same things - whether you have found something to believe in and are just hoping it's the right choice, or whether you're still searching ... we're all in this together. and by the way ... when i hear this song, it compels me to move forward ... to have the energy to stand up when i have fallen to my fears and insecurities. it reminds me that, while i may feel like a failure at times, that if i just keep moving forward i will find what i'm looking for. it's when we believe that our worst failure is who we really are, that we actually begin to believe we don't deserve the life we were created for. so when we think we're waiting for nothing because it's "already done ... " i'm with the artist of this song when they let out a scream after that phrase. because i think we all know that it's our choice, in that moment, to fight for what we hope to be true. i think it's in that moment that we decide to pursue Truth and resist the temptation to lead a life of mediocrity.
believe :: the bravery
the faces all around me they don't smile they just crack
waiting for our ship to come but our ships not coming back
we do have time like pennies in a jar
what are we saving for [x2]
there's a smell of stale feeling that's drinking from my skins
the drinking never stops because the drink off all our sins
we sit and throw our roots into the floor
what are we waiting for [x2]
so give me something to believe
cause i am living just to breathe
and i need something more
to keep on breathing for
so give me something to believe
something's always coming you can hear it in the ground
it swells into the air
with the rising
rising sound
and never comes but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors
what are we waiting for [x2]
so give me something to believe
cause i am living just to breath
and i need something more
to keep on breathing for
so give me something to believe
i am hiding from some beast
but the beast was always here
watching without eyes
because the beast is just my fear
that i am just nothing
now its just what I've become
what am I waiting for
its already done
ohhhhhhh
so give me something to believe
cause i am living just to breath
and i need something more
to keep on breathing for
so give me something to believe
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
i didn't want to talk about this the first day back from vacation because it just seemed ... well, too serious for my already comatose system to really handle.
but what happened last week in mumbai really put a few things into perspective for me.
i think we can all agree that it was devastating. but for many, it may have been easier to disconnect because it seemed so far away.
what i couldn't shake was this...
and this ...
and then back to this on my t.v. screen ...
it has been less than a year since i stood in front (and ate inside) of the beautiful taj hotel in mumbai.
those kids ... they walk past the courtyard of the luxurious monument twice a day to get to and from school. they were dancing around together until they realized i had a fancy camera. i remember that day so clearly. and the only thing i could think about when i saw the news last wednesday was that i couldn't believe the country i love to visit was being terrorized.
i initially thought of how unfair it was that people had to go through this. ever. whether in africa, the middle east, the twin towers of new york, the ghettos of mexico ... no where is this acceptable.
and then i started thinking about my trip to india in february. i'm in the middle of the planning process right now and i thought, "it's not too late to cancel." but why? when is it ever ok for me (or anyone else for that matter) to ever cower from pursuing my dreams ... the things that really bring me to life ... all because of fear? am i any safer in downtown l.a.? isn't safety just an illusion anyway?
but what if i were there again ... by myself ... in a hotel room waiting for the knock on my door?
IF that were my situation. IF i were in a place where the worst acts of humanity manifested themselves right in front of me ... i would hope that i would remember why i was there.
i would hope that i would remember my dreams had brought me to that place in that time in history for a reason. i would hope that i would remain courageous and intentional. i would hope ... more than anything ... that my fears wouldn't blind me to the opportunity to give someone else a chance at the life that i have.
because i believe, now maybe more than ever, that everyone deserves a chance at the life God created them to live.
but what happened last week in mumbai really put a few things into perspective for me.
i think we can all agree that it was devastating. but for many, it may have been easier to disconnect because it seemed so far away.
what i couldn't shake was this...
and this ...
and then back to this on my t.v. screen ...
it has been less than a year since i stood in front (and ate inside) of the beautiful taj hotel in mumbai.
those kids ... they walk past the courtyard of the luxurious monument twice a day to get to and from school. they were dancing around together until they realized i had a fancy camera. i remember that day so clearly. and the only thing i could think about when i saw the news last wednesday was that i couldn't believe the country i love to visit was being terrorized.
i initially thought of how unfair it was that people had to go through this. ever. whether in africa, the middle east, the twin towers of new york, the ghettos of mexico ... no where is this acceptable.
and then i started thinking about my trip to india in february. i'm in the middle of the planning process right now and i thought, "it's not too late to cancel." but why? when is it ever ok for me (or anyone else for that matter) to ever cower from pursuing my dreams ... the things that really bring me to life ... all because of fear? am i any safer in downtown l.a.? isn't safety just an illusion anyway?
but what if i were there again ... by myself ... in a hotel room waiting for the knock on my door?
IF that were my situation. IF i were in a place where the worst acts of humanity manifested themselves right in front of me ... i would hope that i would remember why i was there.
i would hope that i would remember my dreams had brought me to that place in that time in history for a reason. i would hope that i would remain courageous and intentional. i would hope ... more than anything ... that my fears wouldn't blind me to the opportunity to give someone else a chance at the life that i have.
because i believe, now maybe more than ever, that everyone deserves a chance at the life God created them to live.
Monday, December 1, 2008
i feel like there is much to talk about after my nearly 5 day hiatus, but the only thing running through my mind is the fact that it's december.
december folks.
i feel like it was just february a month ago. is this what happens when you get older? or is something seriously wrong with the universe?
does anyone else feel pressured by the beginning of a new year? so many expectations, goals, new hopes and dreams to be pursued ... aaackkk! I'M NOT READY!!!
i suppose, ready or not, we are now looking straight into the eyes of christmas season madness. funny how that works. i woke up yesterday in mexico, celebrating the last few bites of goodness this thankgiving season brought. and then magically ended up at a winter wonderland in l.a. with christmas lights lining the hills of griffith park and carols ringing in my ears. how do they manage to have this stuff prepared by the day after thanksgiving without us noticing?
the good part is that i'm no longer complaining about the absence of fall. those feelings stand no chance against the hustle and bustle of department stores, seasonal decorations and christmas music playing non-stop on every radio station.
today, i feel i have no choice but to embrace the reality that another year is coming to an end and accept the challenge to prepare for the next. it just seems so premature to be planning for a new year when i still have so much i want to accomplish in this one.
i don't remember being in such angst before about the transition of from one year to another. which takes me back to one of my original questions ... is this what happens when you get older?
december folks.
i feel like it was just february a month ago. is this what happens when you get older? or is something seriously wrong with the universe?
does anyone else feel pressured by the beginning of a new year? so many expectations, goals, new hopes and dreams to be pursued ... aaackkk! I'M NOT READY!!!
i suppose, ready or not, we are now looking straight into the eyes of christmas season madness. funny how that works. i woke up yesterday in mexico, celebrating the last few bites of goodness this thankgiving season brought. and then magically ended up at a winter wonderland in l.a. with christmas lights lining the hills of griffith park and carols ringing in my ears. how do they manage to have this stuff prepared by the day after thanksgiving without us noticing?
the good part is that i'm no longer complaining about the absence of fall. those feelings stand no chance against the hustle and bustle of department stores, seasonal decorations and christmas music playing non-stop on every radio station.
today, i feel i have no choice but to embrace the reality that another year is coming to an end and accept the challenge to prepare for the next. it just seems so premature to be planning for a new year when i still have so much i want to accomplish in this one.
i don't remember being in such angst before about the transition of from one year to another. which takes me back to one of my original questions ... is this what happens when you get older?
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