ok. this may be long (big surprise) but there are two things i need to address before moving on.

1. my perception of sex and my own sexuality was significantly influenced by the church and the people who were a part of it.
2. i have a tremendous amount of hope moving forward (which will be explained by another divine encounter in NYC).

let's start with the first thing. i'll make this as brief as possible because i'll most likely touch on it in detail in my section about the church. as i mentioned before, i already had issues with my physical appearance. as i grew up, however, the 'sex talks' in middle school and high school youth groups on wednesday nights increased and i began to believe that not only was it something that had come to define me, but also something that was causing the boys my age to "stumble." again, lies or not, these are the messages that made their way into my head and later found a home in my heart.

appropriate dress was always discussed (and probably rightfully so) and we were asked to rid ourselves of anything (cds included) that caused us to think lustful thoughts about our fellow youth group members. now, while i understand the concept here ... i think it's ridiculous ... in retrospect, of course. just because i threw away my 'bump and grind' music, doesn't mean i wouldn't hear it at a school dance or in a friend's car after school. and just because i came to school dressed in a business suit, doesn't mean that teenage boys aren't going to find some part of my anatomy to drool over. come on. have you walked through the halls of a high school lately? do you remember being a teenager with raging hormones?

i found a way to suppress mine because i thought somehow my youth pastor would be able to pull up a spreadsheet of my "lustful" thoughts, so i just put sex and anything remotely related in a category typically reserved for prostitutes and dirty old men.

then, after a being in a very long and very destructive relationship with a fellow worship leader, i became even more disgusted with anything remotely connected with sexual activity. i felt used. i felt deceived. and worse, i was more convinced than ever that sex was something that people used to manipulate and destroy others.

but here's where grace comes in.

anne lamott says, "grace meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us."

here's the thing. had it not been for grace ... i wouldn't be able to step into my upcoming marriage as a healthy individual in terms of intimacy (at all levels). had it not been for vince's warm character and my close friends' honesty, i wouldn't be able to say that i see sex and intimacy as a beautiful thing.

...marriage is always about something bigger than itself. It's two people, in their unconditionally loving embrace of each other, showing each other in flesh and blood what God is like. these two are naked, and they feel no shame. [rob bell :: sex God]

let's be honest. i haven't always been that great at letting people see the real me. you know ... the stuff under all the clothes and layers of protection i've thrown up around my heart. so this naked stuff didn't sit well with me at first ...

to pursue being naked, you have to believe that this person is worth getting to know for the rest of your lives. being naked is peeling back the layers, conversation after conversation, experience after experience, year after year. it's rooted in a belief that the soul has infinite depth and you'll never get to the bottom of it. [rob bell :: sex God]

but this. this is something i can get behind. there's something freeing about the continued newness of making myself available to someone who has chosen to love me forever. and it wasn't until this month that i began to really believe that this whole sex stuff was actually coming full circle for me and finding redemption in my jagged little soul.

it's kind-of nice how things work out ... really. because the weekend of the proposal, i found myself writing this about my new fiance ...

april 18, 2009 (the day after he popped the question)i learned something new about my fiance today. as we walked around the village, his eyes lit up when we stumbled upon what could only be explained as the largest costume shop on the planet. i felt like i had met him for the first time. his childlike enthusiasm exposed me to a side of him that doesn't have the chance to come out very often. i learned of his childhood love of batman and experienced a side of my future husband that i will never forget. when i asked him, "why batman and not spider man or something?" he said, "because batman was just a regular guy. he didn't have superpowers. so he made me believe that anyone could be a hero."

i love this. i love this about vince. i love this about our relationship. and i love this about the way my life has been transformed in the past few years. it's a reminder of how things are supposed to be when something that was intended for good isn't in the wrong hands. and an even greater glimpse at what this whole sex thing was really meant to represent to begin with ... a connection to a life that we were all created for.

it's only because the events of this weekend are finally setting in that i'm finally able to write.

after an incredibly beautiful three days in NYC, i returned to l.a. with a new title, prompted by a simple question (which was met with a less simple answer), a magical ring and an entirely new trajectory for my life.

i may talk about wedding magazines and girlish dreams later because, after all, that's what us girls do after prince charming whisks us away on his noble steed and asks us to spend the rest of our lives with him. but the more i allow myself to think about what really happened that day ... the more i have come to realize that things do happen for a reason ... and all at the right time.

"do you know why i love this place so much?" i asked vince as we sat together on the grass enjoying our wine and snacks pre-proposal. "because every great city needs a great park. there's something about this place that rejuvenates your soul. i mean, the city can be so cruel. it'll eat you alive if you let it. but when you walk into this park, the sounds of the city fade and you seem to get lost in this little oasis. i love it! look at how happy everyone looks ..."

i watched with hopeful eyes as hundreds of people, scattered about this lawn, reconnected with nature. friends. lovers. family. throwing frisbees, reading novels and taking in good conversations and the warm sun.

i watched as we all become reconnected with our own humanity. right there on the plush green grass of central park.

in that space, hope actually set in so deep that perhaps this is the life we were created for, that vince's offer to prolong this feeling into an eternity together completely took my breath away. literally.

this will be the moment i will forever cherish where all of time seemed to stand still and heaven literally seemed so close to earth that i caught a glimpse of how things were meant to be.

and even now, as i type, i look at the ring on my finger that will forever signify the strength of love and the power of hope in a world that is dying to restore things back to the way they were meant to be.

it couldn't have been more perfect.

(thank you vince for bringing me hope, for being my love and, ultimately, for choosing me ... it's already the greatest honor of my life to be called your fiance.)

"picture a group of high school boys standing by their lockers when a girl walks by. one of the boys asks, "how do you rate that?" they then take turns assigning numerical values to the various parts of her anatomy, discussing in great detail how they evaluate her physical attributes. this scenerio happens all the time, all over the world, every day. it's a pastime for some. there are television shows and websites and endless discussions all devoted to deciding who's hot and who's not. it's an industry, a form of entertainment, a culture. and it's everywhere. the problem is that "that" is actually a "she." a person. a woman. with a name, a history, with feelings. it seems harmless until you're that girl - and then it hurts. it's degrading. it's violating. it does something to a person's soul." [rob bell :: sex God]

here's the deal guys. i would love to give you my sob story (which isn't really a sob story, but to be honest, isn't worth elaborating on right now). i would love to give you the exact scenarios that made me feel like a 'that.' but i think it's self-explanatory.

what i want to talk about is how i've interpreted something that was intended for good ... for joy ... and made it evil and repulsive. as a small disclaimer: i don't think the things that have happened in my life were the sole cause of this unfortunate situation. you can take one look at our world and see in great clarity that things are not as they were intended. so with that in mind, i can move forward.

it's easy for a she/he to become a that when we are grossly disconnected from each other. which brings me to a brilliant interpretation of sexuality that has created just enough space for me to begin seeing things differently.

"scholars believe that the word sex is related to the latin word secare, which means 'to sever, to amputate, or to disconnect from the whole.' this is where we get words like sect, section, dissect, bisect.our sexuality then, has two dimensions. first, our sexuality is our awareness of how profoundly we're severed and cut off and disconnected. second, our sexuality is all of the ways we go about trying to reconnect." [rob bell :: sex God]

this is the definition i'm working with. because it makes so much sense.

to me.

i've allowed the disconnection others feel (and consequently their need to devalue others) to create a giant rift in my soul. there has been so much discontent for so long that when i have a moment of connectivity (whether at a concert, at church, in a coffee shop with my friends, at a rally in the middle of the street), i feel overwhelmed. as if, for some reason, i've been missing out on something all along.

and i think this is where i get to my point. sexuality, for me, is not simply what happens between the sheets. it's merely a small percentage. "our sexuality is all of the ways we strive to reconnect with our world, with each other and with God."

up until this point, the way i have tried to connect with the world has been through the eyes of a 'that.' because, as i have learned ... lies quickly turn into gross generalizations and assumptions and how i act actually comes out of who i believe i am. and right now, i believe i am a she who longs for things to be as they were intended. which leads me not into the bedroom, but into a greater thirst for intimacy with the world in which i live, the people people around me and the God i have become so disconnected from.

ok. i think i'm finally at a point where i can talk about this sex thing without saying something i don't really mean. i do that a lot. and i usually own it because ... well ... it's embarrassing (and seemingly bipolar) to change your mind in mid argument when it's clear you were so passionate about the first stance.

i do this a lot through gross generalization when really ... i'm thinking of a specific incident on a given topic. topics that usually get me all fired up have to do with sex and the church. and sometimes one causes immediate negative feelings about the other, which is where i begin today.

when someone asks me (typically in disbelief) why i haven't had sex, my response used to be: "because i don't want to have sex before i'm married." which, in kansas, translates as, "oh. you're a christian." cool. we've reached an understanding without me having to awkwardly explain my position on such matters.

now, having been in l.a. for nearly three years, i have learned that my staple answer no longer suffices. people become intrigued by the 26-year-old virgin who has been with her boyfriend for more than a year and half who has never slept with him. they want explanations. not an essay, just a solid answer. and the whole, "i don't want to have sex before i'm married" thing begs the response of, "why?"

let me get this straight. the people who ask "why?" are not being rude. they're genuinely curious. because this whole not having sex thing when you're in a serious relationship doesn't make sense to them. because the natural context isn't, "oh, it's because you believe in a God who asks you to regard your body as a temple. who says that He created sex to be enjoyed in the context of marriage." and that's not their fault. and to be honest ... i'm glad they ask why. because it wasn't until about six months ago, that i realized i wasn't having sex because i'm a follower of Christ ...

i'm not having sex because:
a) sex has always been communicated/portrayed as something negative (both in the church and in my relationships with those around me)
b) having sex only quadruples my chance of getting pregnant (which, isn't exactly a priority of mine)

now, what concerns me most about these two responses is that it has nothing to do with God. that, sex, in my mind, has only one correlation with the God i claim to follow: judgment and condemnation for those who engage in intercourse before marriage. the act itself, in my mind, has not been considered an expression of something that has been found, rather something that is forbidden because of the long-term devastation it may bring you.

my goal is to get back to the truth on this manner as it exists in my life. rob bell once said, "what we do comes out of who we believe we are." i've chosen to abstain, not because i believe God has my best interests at hand, but because i was afraid of getting in trouble. i have chosen to not engage in sex for 26 years because i believed that this was the only way i could maintain power in past relationships. and i chose, most importantly, to abstain because the thought of having a child with most of the guys i dated was nauseating. not only because they were boys themselves, but because i actually believed i wouldn't make a good enough mother.

well, all that has changed. and now, i have begun to unravel the layers of sexuality that were intended to connect me intimately to the world around me ... because i have to believe that all this sex stuff has to do with much more than what happens between the sheets.

i'm on a plane from wichita back to l.a. all i can see are the never-ending squares of brown and green crops that make my home town look like a patchwork quilt from up here.

this most recent trip to kansas revealed the simplistic nature of a place i once found overwhelmingly complex. it's incredible how little effort it used to take to turn simplicity into my nemesis.

for the first time (perhaps ever) i allowed myself to admit that there is a part of me that craves the simplicity of the place i spent most of my life fighting. this part of me wishes (or more accurately LONGS) to have everyone i know so easily accessible. i would love to have the community i had and still have in wichita. it's comforting. it brings me joy. it's effortless. no traffic, no parking issues, no google maps to figure out the fastest or least congested route. just a quick drive across town or walk down the street and you're there. in their homes ... filled with family and friends to make it warm and cozy. the warmth doesn't end there. it makes its way onto the streets and into the hardware stores and restaurants. genuine smiles and hellos are exchanged without thought and i am overcome with a sense of security and belonging to this place i traded in for hardened face to ward off the begging and silence to to spare myself from uncomfortable conversations with strangers.

this time in kansas, i didn't get antsy. maybe i've finally come to grips with some of the baggage in a way that makes kansas safe again. or maybe i've committed (more than i thought i had) to the idea that there really is nothing left for me to prove anymore - or i was just to tired to do that this time around. i actually felt confident in my answer to the infamous question that family and friends tend to ask with each return visit, "so, what's next?" my answer ... "i'm not really sure."

and that's the truth.

i don't have a plan. i do know, after holding precious little emery oliver and meeting the more grown-up versions of my friend's once toddler children, that being a mother is something i'd like to pursue some day. it's a thought i've been entertaining in attempts to fill my future with something other than a blank slab and ambiguous undertones. but actually holding my best friend's baby made it more tangible. more real. and far less stifling than i had made it out to be. in fact, life made a little more sense with him in my arms, which led me to believe that perhaps some day ... this wouldn't be out of the question for my own life.

i know after having monday morning coffee with my old boss and co-workers that there is a way to do business that not only generates revenue but also brings out the best in people. i became reacquainted with work-ethic and midwest charm. from the receptionist who seemed so excited to see me to the shareholders who joked about l.a's influence on my decision to get a nose ring while offering my job back ... if that's, in fact, why i was there.

i leave this time with a deeper appreciation for my family and their hospitality. the exchange of laughter and tears reminded me that i am an adult now. which is both empowering and devastating at the same time.

i don't have a plan, but i know that plane rides, airports, conversations and kansas are all much more beautiful when vince is there. i found kansas to be a place i could return to with a new perspective because he represents the me that is becoming. i realized this trip that my life is wherever vince is. and that's something that i would never have admitted to if i had a plan ... or ... had simply followed the one i was so married to for so long.

i know that i was lucky to have been raised in a place that values community, family, hard work, ethics and space in which to enjoy the little things in life. in a place like kansas, time move just slow enough for longer conversations and an extra cup of coffee. it was in the obscure time warp three years ago that i was able to have enough conversations and enough coffee to prepare me for a life where everything moves too fast for the things i didn't even know i valued.

so. all that to say ... this all seemed like perfect timing. my life slowed down long enough to actually hear what my old life was saying all along. and that's a really beautiful thing. i move forward from here without a plan and oh so intentional in bringing a little bit of kansas to the big city!