"picture a group of high school boys standing by their lockers when a girl walks by. one of the boys asks, "how do you rate that?" they then take turns assigning numerical values to the various parts of her anatomy, discussing in great detail how they evaluate her physical attributes. this scenerio happens all the time, all over the world, every day. it's a pastime for some. there are television shows and websites and endless discussions all devoted to deciding who's hot and who's not. it's an industry, a form of entertainment, a culture. and it's everywhere. the problem is that "that" is actually a "she." a person. a woman. with a name, a history, with feelings. it seems harmless until you're that girl - and then it hurts. it's degrading. it's violating. it does something to a person's soul." [rob bell :: sex God]

here's the deal guys. i would love to give you my sob story (which isn't really a sob story, but to be honest, isn't worth elaborating on right now). i would love to give you the exact scenarios that made me feel like a 'that.' but i think it's self-explanatory.

what i want to talk about is how i've interpreted something that was intended for good ... for joy ... and made it evil and repulsive. as a small disclaimer: i don't think the things that have happened in my life were the sole cause of this unfortunate situation. you can take one look at our world and see in great clarity that things are not as they were intended. so with that in mind, i can move forward.

it's easy for a she/he to become a that when we are grossly disconnected from each other. which brings me to a brilliant interpretation of sexuality that has created just enough space for me to begin seeing things differently.

"scholars believe that the word sex is related to the latin word secare, which means 'to sever, to amputate, or to disconnect from the whole.' this is where we get words like sect, section, dissect, bisect.our sexuality then, has two dimensions. first, our sexuality is our awareness of how profoundly we're severed and cut off and disconnected. second, our sexuality is all of the ways we go about trying to reconnect." [rob bell :: sex God]

this is the definition i'm working with. because it makes so much sense.

to me.

i've allowed the disconnection others feel (and consequently their need to devalue others) to create a giant rift in my soul. there has been so much discontent for so long that when i have a moment of connectivity (whether at a concert, at church, in a coffee shop with my friends, at a rally in the middle of the street), i feel overwhelmed. as if, for some reason, i've been missing out on something all along.

and i think this is where i get to my point. sexuality, for me, is not simply what happens between the sheets. it's merely a small percentage. "our sexuality is all of the ways we strive to reconnect with our world, with each other and with God."

up until this point, the way i have tried to connect with the world has been through the eyes of a 'that.' because, as i have learned ... lies quickly turn into gross generalizations and assumptions and how i act actually comes out of who i believe i am. and right now, i believe i am a she who longs for things to be as they were intended. which leads me not into the bedroom, but into a greater thirst for intimacy with the world in which i live, the people people around me and the God i have become so disconnected from.