ok. this may be long (big surprise) but there are two things i need to address before moving on.

1. my perception of sex and my own sexuality was significantly influenced by the church and the people who were a part of it.
2. i have a tremendous amount of hope moving forward (which will be explained by another divine encounter in NYC).

let's start with the first thing. i'll make this as brief as possible because i'll most likely touch on it in detail in my section about the church. as i mentioned before, i already had issues with my physical appearance. as i grew up, however, the 'sex talks' in middle school and high school youth groups on wednesday nights increased and i began to believe that not only was it something that had come to define me, but also something that was causing the boys my age to "stumble." again, lies or not, these are the messages that made their way into my head and later found a home in my heart.

appropriate dress was always discussed (and probably rightfully so) and we were asked to rid ourselves of anything (cds included) that caused us to think lustful thoughts about our fellow youth group members. now, while i understand the concept here ... i think it's ridiculous ... in retrospect, of course. just because i threw away my 'bump and grind' music, doesn't mean i wouldn't hear it at a school dance or in a friend's car after school. and just because i came to school dressed in a business suit, doesn't mean that teenage boys aren't going to find some part of my anatomy to drool over. come on. have you walked through the halls of a high school lately? do you remember being a teenager with raging hormones?

i found a way to suppress mine because i thought somehow my youth pastor would be able to pull up a spreadsheet of my "lustful" thoughts, so i just put sex and anything remotely related in a category typically reserved for prostitutes and dirty old men.

then, after a being in a very long and very destructive relationship with a fellow worship leader, i became even more disgusted with anything remotely connected with sexual activity. i felt used. i felt deceived. and worse, i was more convinced than ever that sex was something that people used to manipulate and destroy others.

but here's where grace comes in.

anne lamott says, "grace meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us."

here's the thing. had it not been for grace ... i wouldn't be able to step into my upcoming marriage as a healthy individual in terms of intimacy (at all levels). had it not been for vince's warm character and my close friends' honesty, i wouldn't be able to say that i see sex and intimacy as a beautiful thing.

...marriage is always about something bigger than itself. It's two people, in their unconditionally loving embrace of each other, showing each other in flesh and blood what God is like. these two are naked, and they feel no shame. [rob bell :: sex God]

let's be honest. i haven't always been that great at letting people see the real me. you know ... the stuff under all the clothes and layers of protection i've thrown up around my heart. so this naked stuff didn't sit well with me at first ...

to pursue being naked, you have to believe that this person is worth getting to know for the rest of your lives. being naked is peeling back the layers, conversation after conversation, experience after experience, year after year. it's rooted in a belief that the soul has infinite depth and you'll never get to the bottom of it. [rob bell :: sex God]

but this. this is something i can get behind. there's something freeing about the continued newness of making myself available to someone who has chosen to love me forever. and it wasn't until this month that i began to really believe that this whole sex stuff was actually coming full circle for me and finding redemption in my jagged little soul.

it's kind-of nice how things work out ... really. because the weekend of the proposal, i found myself writing this about my new fiance ...

april 18, 2009 (the day after he popped the question)i learned something new about my fiance today. as we walked around the village, his eyes lit up when we stumbled upon what could only be explained as the largest costume shop on the planet. i felt like i had met him for the first time. his childlike enthusiasm exposed me to a side of him that doesn't have the chance to come out very often. i learned of his childhood love of batman and experienced a side of my future husband that i will never forget. when i asked him, "why batman and not spider man or something?" he said, "because batman was just a regular guy. he didn't have superpowers. so he made me believe that anyone could be a hero."

i love this. i love this about vince. i love this about our relationship. and i love this about the way my life has been transformed in the past few years. it's a reminder of how things are supposed to be when something that was intended for good isn't in the wrong hands. and an even greater glimpse at what this whole sex thing was really meant to represent to begin with ... a connection to a life that we were all created for.