i'm five days from a project that i'm anticipating will change my life.

the facts:
honduras is one of the poorest nations in the western hemisphere – economically and socially :: 28% unemployment :: 53% of 7.5M people live below the poverty line :: per-capita GDP of $3,100, compared to USA at $43,800 and mexico at $10,700 :: 42% of population do not have access to safe drinking water :: 25% of hondurans are illiterate :: deterioration of family structure - 80% of birth certificates in 2006 did not name a father

the trash dump:
home to 1,000 adults and 250 kids :: covers acres of mountainous land and is a poorly run landfill :: overrun by vultures, dogs, cows—and humans :: people at dump scavenge through trash daily for food and recyclable materials to sell (avg. daily wage $3-4)
:: dump school has 150 kid enrolled this year, but can’t meet its budget

the need:
economic development

our goal:
identify possible new micro-businesses :: identify and recruit potential entrepreneurs :: help establish basic business plans and launch new enterprises :: media - tell the story of the trash dump community, in film and still images :: post-trip, edit film and develop images, use for fund-raising purposes :: raise money for AFE school operating budget(need $50,000 for 2008)

so stay tuned. this may be the opportunity that provides a clear direction for me to channel my energy!

thanks to the wonders of the internet, i was able to reconnect briefly with a good friend from high school today.

i stalkishly follow her profile on facebook to see how she is and look through her updated pictures of her two little kids and the house her and her husband live in. it's the life she always wanted. the life she dreamed of.

in our mini instant message conversation, i told her that i sometimes find it odd that i'm living such a different life from the one her and i grew up having. i didn't choose to stay in kansas and raise a family. i didn't choose to stay near family (not because i don't like them ... it was more because i felt i could take care of myself in my naivete). and sometimes i wonder how my life would look if i did what everyone else around me was doing. i wonder if i would have always dreamed of the life i have now. i wonder if i'd regret every second of my decision to stay where i was when something always seemed to be calling me elsewhere.

as i was speaking with her, i realized i have never been able to complete a thought of my life without l.a., my friends here, vince, my international adventures, the spiritual, social and emotional paradigm shifts i've gone through ...

which makes me think that i made the right decision ... for me.

i haven't spoken to her for about four years and she made a comment that blew me away ... she said, "you were always too big for this place. it was almost like you were living in a bubble and knew there was more."

did she know something about me from years ago that i still have yet to believe about myself? what is it that sets someone else a part from the rest? why have i not fully embraced the person i so desperately want to become ... the person that has been there my entire life, but has yet to be fully awakened ...

i just need permission to quit.

i spent the weekend so overwhelmed by the reality that i'm ... well ... overwhelmed. my trip to d.c. a week ago was a perfect escape from my insanely chaotic life back in l.a. it's not that i'm busier than normal, it's just that i'm busy doing the wrong things.

does that make sense?

i failed to recognize when the right time to step away was. i kept showing up because it made me feel like i was doing something, when in actuality, i was just driving myself farther into the ground.

i know that i'll always be a busy individual. i know that i'll always put 110% into the things that i'm a part of. but there is a clear distinction between someone who is working that hard at things they love and someone who is working that hard doing things that don't bring them to life.

i've been so angry lately because i don't have the time left to devote to the things i care about or to just have a night off. and after spewing my frustration, my roommate alice said, "quit. you're a smart person ... just quit."

for some reason i needed that. i needed to know that it was ok to quit and not feel like a complete failure. i needed to know that it is ok to say no and not be left with the guilt that you disappointed someone or let them down. i needed to know that i'm wasting someone else's opportunity to be great by being in positions that my heart isn't in anymore.

sometimes we need to re-prioritize. and sometimes, that means letting go of everything in hopes that it will bring you to the One thing that awakens your soul and brings more life than all the others combined.

before moving to l.a. i went to movies occasionally . and when i say occasionally, i mean maybe five times a year. to be honest, even after living here for a year, i had only seen one movie in the theater.

until ...

i met vince.

his passion for films has left me craving the experience of velvet reclining seats, surround sound, the smell of buttery popcorn and the thrill of watching the curtain open. i'm even starting to understand why getting in opening night is so much more exciting.

people stand in lines for these nights. long ones. it seems completely irrational. crazy. maybe even a bit obsessive.

but i joined the wackos last night. when the shows were selling out last week for indiana jones ... the only option left for opening night were tickets at 3:30 a.m. and we just had to take them.

it was magical. justice was done to my fond memories of indy running through ancient ruins and dodging giant balls of stone, all while swinging from random vines, cracking his whip and somehow managing to keep that silly hat from flying off.

the best part of this morning was waiting for him to come on screen for the first time ... and when he did ... (cue theme song) ...

ahh. nothing like the good ol' days ... when the good guy always wins, adventure is lurking around each corner, whit (and the occasional cheesy line) are ramped and robust orchestral compositions accompany you each step of the way.

so ... thank God for new passions. thank God for spielberg. and thank God the writer's strike is over. here's to the resurrection of the cinema experience!

there is this person in my head … she is brilliant, capable. she can create paths that lead others to greatness and fight for what they deserve.

she’s a really good leader. maybe even a great one.

she’s me. only so much better.

it’s been a good day. maybe even a great day.
i was a good business woman. even when it was hard. i was the me in my head.

it was a moment when i thought, “i can’t do this.”

i can’t do this alone.

but i closed my eyes and i imagined myself doing it. and i did. i blocked out the fear. And i did it.

i became the person i’ve been waiting for someone else to become for me. i fought for what i believe in. what i deserve. what is right.

today. i found myself.

:: inspired by grey's anatomy ::

van gogh on facing a blank canvas:

"just slap anything on when you see a blank canvas staring you in the face like some imbecile. you don't know how paralyzing that is, that stare of a blank canvas is, which says to the painter, ‘you can't do a thing’. the canvas has an idiotic stare and mesmerizes some painters so much that they turn into idiots themselves. many painters are afraid in front of the blank canvas, but the blank canvas is afraid of the real, passionate painter who dares and who has broken the spell of `you can't' once and for all.”


before last night, i had never heard the van gogh's story. but now, i walk with confidence that one more of the world's most dynamic individuals grappled with the same questions and ideologies that i'm encountering. more importantly, i'm reminded today that creativity and innovation always leads me closer to the heart of God. and the more illogical and unconventional the creation ... the more clear it is to me who He is and why i'm here.

if ever your will starts crashing down
whenever your world starts crashing down
whenever your world starts crashing down
that's when you find me.

lost till you're found
swim till you drown

know that we all fall down
love till you hate
strong till you break
know that we all fall down

i'm there. wishing i could say i knew exactly who i am, why i'm here and where i'm going. i've ignored that i've gradually lost hope in everything i was once so certain of. my life has been undoubtedly wonderful this past year, but i have become increasingly aware of the deterioration of my soul and instead of dealing with it, i've misplaced the fear so that i don't look like i don't have it all together.

i have now joined the masses in a search to find God. hoping that everything i once put so much stock into, turns out to be the answer after all. and in the meantime, hoping with all that i have, that those i need most will show mercy in this part of my journey.

strong till you break ... the facade is over. we all fall down.

even though i don't live in hollywood's notorious hills, i have grown accustomed to the ways of the "industry" and the free spirited, creative nature of those who flock to the great city of l.a.

but this week i find myself on another hill ... THE HILL ... capitol hill.

as i've mentioned several times, i'm an activist at the core and always will be. here, i am surrounded by my eternal love for law and policy (both of which have made their way out of the great city in which i now reside) and am finding myself surprisingly energized by this completely different expression of creativity.

i have walked through hallways of some of the nation's greatest minds.
peered over the same land that some of our nation's greatest movements began.
stood on the exact stone that men and women i admire have spoken words that have touched even my generation.

just today, i was sitting in the supreme court, staring with a child-like wonder at the justices as they delivered a decision. i flinched each time the court marshall pounded the gavel and wondered if the others in the room felt as priveledged as i to be among individuals of such influence. as we left the court room, we quickly found ourselves in the board room of a think tank, spending hours interacting with top researchers of policy reform.

nerdy, i know.

but this is what i live for.

to better understand. to gather enough facts to make an educated decision. to solve problems and think strategically. to be around brilliant minds who want nothing more than to make a significant impact in human history.

there is something about this hill that is invigorating. not more or less than the other, but certainly a timely reminder that there are more ways, than simply those in which we are most familiar, to change the world.

i'm not usually a huge fan of running.

my resperatory system can't really faciliate the activity and my brain doesn't have the capacity to convince the rest of my body to keep going longer than the length of a maroon 5 song.

but i'll tell you, when it comes to relational conflict where hearts are on the line (particularly mine), i'm willing to run a marathon as long as it's in the opposite direction of the problem.

my past tells me that running is necessary in certain instances. but it's becoming a blurry line now that i'm actually trying to start a new life with someone who needs me to trust him. that doesn't come easy for me within the vulnerable context of relationships where i actually have something to lose. my roommate says that God has a good sense of humor and that He knows if i have something to lose, i'll listen.

i say i should just get more stilletoes ... i can't run as fast in those.

hey, it never hurts to have reasons for new shoes ...

but on my way to mall ... i should probably start thinking about what it's going to take for me to stop running. otherwise, this could end up costing me more than i want to spend ...

and it's a dang good friday too.

things are changing for the better for me and i couldn't be more thrilled. more on that next week.

now that i've accomplished something significant for the week, i think i'll go to korey's, paint my toenails, have some popcorn, giggle about girly things (even though we're so not admitting to it) and venture to LA LA land to wrap up some laundry. THEN, it's bedtime. i'm predicting a full-on coma around 10 p.m.

so here's to getting a few things done in the world ... :) happy friday!