i've been thinking a lot about the concept of community in the past four months.

much has happened that has triggered past hurts because of unhealthy community and present fears (and doubts) about living in authentic community.

i'd like to say that i've contributed to the nourishment of the community in which i am currently living, but i can't. i've been terribly destructive. and it's all because i'm not sure i can risk it all for the sake of other people.

you see, what i'm learning about living in real. genuine. healthy community. is that you take the good with the bad. you get to celebrate in community when things go well for someone (or for yourself). you have the privilege of being a part of the victory and success.

but what i'm also realizing (and quite honestly, struggling with), is that you also have to live with the consequences of people in your community who make poor decisions. this one's a hard one for me.

i want to see people thrive. i want more than anything to see people make decisions that will increase their desire for life and maximize their own potential.

but the most painful thing i've experienced, is watching other people make decisions for their lives based out of fear that there may not be anything better. decisions that cause them to settle and not take risks. decisions that i would have made a few years ago if my situation was only a little different.

you know what i think about?

why me? why was i spared? was it because i wouldn't have been strong enough to survive otherwise? was it because i was supposed to be doing something more significant with my life after being released from the captivity of my own choices?

all of these questions are important to me. as are the people in my life who i have committed to love and serve without question.

because that is, after all, the caveat to community right? that when i make choices that hurt me, the same hands will be there to guide me through the pain ... even when it was not their's to bear.