i haven't been around lately. obviously.

yesterday was the end of my streak of madness and the beginning of another season of insanity.

it seems to follow me wherever i go ... this chaos. maybe it's like an animal that smells fear ... continuing to persist until the prey gives in. maybe this is all some plot to build my stamina against meaningless adversarial issues (because we all know the things i get stressed about are existential compared to the true suffering of others).

today is just one of those days, though.

it's one of those days where, living in my own brain, is ... hell.

funny thing is that it didn't start this way. it started out quite well actually (mainly because no one else was a part of the equation yet). it wasn't until the middle of my day that i realized i was crumbling ... that i was too weak to deal with anything less than perfection.

and when i came to that realization, there was an understanding that i would not be fighting back today. nope. today will not be my day to change the world.

note: as i was about to push "publish post," my friend christina (works in my office and apparently can sense my attitude) sent me this email:
smile! look at the cupcakes i'm going to make

ugh. what do i do now? walk out of my office giggling after i already made the decision to give up on being peppy for the day? (see post on bi-polar disorder)