and the underlying presence of fear.

that's where i am.

confusing? yeah. tell me about it.

to put it simply: there is a life that i would love to step into. a life of adventure and exploration. a life that coddles my curious nature. a life that knows no boundaries in my quest to learn more about the world in which i live.

but i'm terrified.

i'm terrified of discovering more. i'm terrified that my perspective will change ... again. i'm terrified to find out that i'm wrong ... that the naysayers were right. i'm terrified that i will be forgotten. that i will return from my travels unrecognizable. that i will no longer belong.

there are dreams inside of me that, if pursued, would defy my dependence on other people's approval and need to fit in. these dreams, if pursued, may actually change the world ... as i know it.

but this is what has happened. after taking the leap and moving to california, my paradigms were shattered. i have become someone different. someone more recognizable to myself, but still so uncertain of who i really am.

back home, i mastered the art of defining who i was NOT. that was easy. it drove me to a place of insanity that actually served as a great launch pad for taking big risks (like moving 1600 miles from home). i was so crazy ... so afraid of becoming what i knew i wasn't (which, i remind you, was the ONLY THING i knew), that i pursued my dream to be a relentless learner ... explorer ... discoverer.

and here i am in a place that brings me life and also a large dose of confusion. i sit among friends who are in desperate pursuit of dreams they know they were created for. they inspire and motivate me. they challenge me to think bigger.

but all of the conversations lead me to fear the possibility that i will pursue the wrong dreams simply because i don't know who i am. or worse, that i will settle for lesser dreams for fear that who i am, is more daring ... more bold ... more adventurous than i have the emotional and mental capacity for right now.

ugh. must there always be a struggle between fear and infinite possibilities?