there is something i'm finally being able to identify after years of poorly executed conversations, unintentionally hurting other's feelings and always feeling conflicted with who i am and who i pretend to be when i'm around other people.

i fear, more than anything, appearing weak.
i fear, in a close second, losing approval or social status.
and i almost always downplay my need for affection (unless i'm with vince and then he gets the annoying duty of having to overcompensate for all the times i denied others the joy of doing so because i thought it made me look too soft)

apparently, i prefer social interaction to be more robotic than human. there could be a couple of reasons for this ...

if i soften up a little bit and actually become (ahem) vulnerable ... very manipulative and mean people tend to find their way in and sabotage my capacity to trust humanity. and if i'm more robotic or seemingly heartless ... i can keep everyone, including the aforementioned manipulative and mean people far enough away so as not to repeat the past.

but what happens when i began to be convinced that the people in my life actually love and care for me and want me to trust them?

well, this is what happens ... i freak out. like any emotionally unintelligent person would do ... and try and give them reasons not to want to be around me because i'm more comfortable with that.

can you see where this whole character development thing can be a problem for me?

what i'm beginning to realize is that, despite what has been said to me in the past, i am not that person. i'm not incompetent, i'm not just an object, i'm not ignorant or lacking in capacity to care for other people. what i'm lacking is the courage to believe that who i am is not who they expected me to be.

because that takes guts. it takes a HUGE amount of trust that these people in my life who so desperately want me to stop fighting them actually believe in the person that i'm trying to keep them from.

my next step ... finding the courage to trust that who i am is enough to keep people from abandoning me. and trusting that the freedom of living my life as myself, will be enough to keep me going even if my worst fears do become my reality.