ha. that may very well be the understatement of the year. anyone who knows me would be able to tell you that my lack in athleticism puts me close to the bottom of the food chain in this realm. for one, i can't swim ... i know, i know ... i'm 25 and still can't swim. i went camping last weekend and almost pooped my pants when we went down the river and hit rapids ... in an inner-tube. i can't run all that well either. at about a mile i start to overheat like a chevy truck from the 50s. team sports ... ummm ... i'm not so much a team player, so that one's out (kidding ... kind-of). and we don't even need to touch the land-o-gymnastics. you have to be seriously instable, insane or perhaps just ridiculously gifted in order to flip your body around on a beam that could very well end your life if you happen to land on it wrong.

athleticism alone would keep me out of the running. that's obvious.

but i'm thinking discipline and focus would do me in if i happened to make it past the committee.

when i watch the contenders prepare for their events, i see something in their faces that most people don't have. determination. focus. a calm consistency that only discipline could bring.

i think that has only happened to me once in my life. when i was competing for miss kansas. stay with me on this one. i had been competing in preliminary pageants for months before obtaining a crown that would move me on to the miss kansas competition (a title, if won, would take me to miss america). put all of your preconceived notions aside about this world of "beauty pageants" and hear me out. i worked every day in the gym, had a strict eating schedule, booked myself for a community service or speaking event three times a week on top of my full-time job, last semester of college and responsibilities at my church. it wasn't easy. but i was focused ... i had a goal ... to win. and i had a specific motivation to win that made this schedule feel normal and completely worth the chaos.

but it hasn't really happened since.

i wish i were that focused in my search for God. ha. i even applied to seminary because i thought it would at least get me in the habit of reading and meditating on God's word.

i wish i were more focused in my career, but my brain sees WAY too many directions in which i could take myself.

i wish i had that ONE THING that i devoted my life to. like swimming, gymnastics ... an art.

being in l.a. makes it much more clear that i'm just flailing around trying desperately to attach myself to SOMETHING so that i can move forward with intentionality. i wish i were like vince and knew that i was created to be a director. i wish i were like my brother who has been so diligent in mastering his craft since childhood because he just knew he was created to design roller coasters.

erwin once said that if we don't enjoy the discipline required to become great at (insert dream here) ... it's not really what we're passionate about.

i really hope that THING comes soon ... or at the least ... i hope the pursuit of IT shapes me into becoming the person i was created to be.

so i envy the olympians as i watch them take the world stage and wear proudly all that they've worked so hard for around their necks in shiny gold fashion. but my envy turns to admiration and desire when i watch them step off the platform to do it again ... and again ... and again.

i hope that some day i'll have that much discipline to breed the greatest of myself.