Housewife. Business owner.
I always wanted one and ran from the other. You've got a 50/50 shot at which was which.
I never thought the two would ever coincide. My goal wasn't to come up with a business that could be reflected in a stereotypical female role. I was going to play a man's game in a man's world. Which, left no room for things like baking and cleaning house. I never pretended I could be super woman, so I chose one and ran with it while running from the other.
The sweet smell of a freshly dry cleaned suit, stillettoe pumps and a leather satchel... Ahhhh.
But I've found myself in a rather awkward position: working from home.
Yes. That means I've taken to baking and cooking more in between research and meetings. And while I'm doing it, I have to admit it feels liberating. Not super tasty quite yet... But liberating nonetheless to try something so unnatural and new.
When it's just me and my wisk... I own it. And when I'm alone ... you may even catch me with a smile on my face while I watch the batter rise or the chicken brown.
The second vince (or anyone else walks in for that matter) the gig is up. This isn't comfortable for me. I haven't practiced this part. My natural position ... In a conference room. Not behind the stove. And I've made that very clear. You know ... so that there is no confusion that I'm not like other people. (because apparently that has been super important to me)
So. When any mention of how I can improve comes up, or even suggestions for maximizing efficency (which i usually appreciate) ... I lose it. I feel entirely too vulnerable. Naked. Completely exposed to the world that I'm just like every other woman to ever fall blindly into their 'role.' And I am reminded that I'm not particularly good at this... At least not yet. And the truth ... I hate being a weak link.
So, in my mental panic and after I've made a complete fool of myself (and perhaps even burnt something), I remember that I have a choice. I can either define what this whole being a woman, nearly married with a career ahead of her looks like. Or I can live in the fear that I will become ... A stereotype that was probably defined in the first place by people who haven't a clue to begin with and just like seeing girls like me freak out on a regular basis.
Tonight, I chose first to retaliate in fear.
I'm really hoping to get over that before I miss out on a chance to create my own definitions for the roles I choose to play. Or, at the very least, maybe I'll learn to give myself permission to experiment with these "gender specific" roles in case I've mis-perceived its excitement all along.
5 comments:
You'll be fine, you have a good inner strength. Besides you're very blessed and lucky that you get the challenge and support of both :) I feel like I have a choice between job or losing something important :(
thank jeremiah! but what's the something important that you'd be losing? is it already a part of who you are? if so ... you can take it with you to NYC and share the love!
You are very wise... And this is very unusual vs say... having coffee ;)
Hi - I haven't read in a while (and have never commented), but I just wanted to stop by and see what you're up to since I don't get to talk to you every day anymore.
I just have 3 pieces of advice after reading this (and the same advice after reading some other stuff and talking to you, etc.). Feel free to take it or not - up to you entirely.
1) Don't take yourself (and everything else) so damn seriously.
2) I think you need to be a bit more honest with yourself. I get the feeling that sometimes you speak from a place that doesn't always exist. It may be either a place you WANT to exist or a place you're afraid MAY exist. Be careful of that. It can make you seem inauthentic or even attract other people who are inauthentic. You don't need that in your life!
3) Whatever your initial impression or reaction is to something, no matter how extreme or crazy or whatever... allow yourself to sit in that, REALLY sit in it... but only for about 5 minutes. Don't be hard on yourself for it. Just allow it and be compassionate about it and know that it's only brief. Then MAKE YOURSELF shift at least 2 notches toward the center. Whether it's mind-boggling joy or crippling depression. You gotta bump it towards middle-ground. Do you remember the bell-curve? Well, most of life falls in the middle of it. 68% of values drawn from a normal distribution are within 1 standard deviation from the mean and 95% are within 2 standard deviations of the mean. This applies to most anything. It's all typically hovering around average. I worry that you will be disappointed over and over again in life until you can appreciate this and find beauty and joy there. The view is better (and clearer) and it's a lot less isolating there, trust me! Looking up to everything or looking down on everything... I don't think it serves anyone well.
I was just thinking and laughing about your comment :) Somehow I doubt sharing the love in the future is an option with the current state of affairs... Will see, as far as other people have hinted though, waiting until 2012 just to get to know someone isn't an option for me considering my age. Just because you love someone, which I do, doesn't mean you let them run all over you - although you give them as many chances as needed to try and fix things together... In any case, one way or another, I'm sure things will resolve themselves shortly. Have a great night! :)
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