God

I've been thinking about these two questions a lot lately:

What do I think of God?

Who do I think He is?

I don't know if you watch Dexter, but if you do, you may understand where my growing paranoia with all things terrifying may come from.

I have escape plans. Lots of them. You can never be too prepared for a home-invasion.

But this deeply rooted fear that something bad is going to happen ... especially because my life is just a little too good to be true ... has consumed me. It causes me to spend time thinking of exit strategies and living in fear of what's around the corner or behind the shower curtain more than living in joy or celebration of the moment.

Now, you may be thinking, "then just stop watching that stupid show." And, while I would agree that it certainly doesn't help ... the show and it's influence are not my biggest concerns.

My concern is that what I think about God and who I think He is plays a much larger role in my living in fear.

I would love to blame it on the fire and brimstone sermons I heard as a kid. Or the youth group revival talks where they say you can be hit by a car and die when you walk out of church that night (just to scare kids into accepting Christ). And who knows, that may very well have played a role.

But I'm 27 years old. I have a brain of my own and, consequently, can think for myself.

I'm fully aware people go to school and become religious leaders to guide people like me in my thinking of the subject. I just feel a little thinking and digging for myself was a more viable option.

So. I went to a Bible study.

Yes ... a legit Bible study with a bunch of really cool girls my age. They aren't like the people I used to be in Bible study with. They're more ... honest ... real ... raw (can I say that?).

Anyway. We were reading Galatians 5. And I started to squirm a little. It took me a few times of reading through it to realize I could interact with the Scripture in a different way than I had done before.

I'm going to be real honest here. My most intimate interactions with the Bible came out of judgement. I was either trying to prove why I was right (and spending hours finding one measly verse that would validate my opinion) or trying to prove someone else's actions were wrong (and there are PLENTY of "Christian Living" books that helped me out there). I would occasionally stumble on passages that blew my mind and gave me a glimpse on how I should have been acting ... but I mostly used it as a metric for rules.

Let me tell you what I learned though.

The first sentence of this chapter is about freedom. God must care about freedom ... What I think of God and who I think He is did not jive with that. To me, he is a God of judgement. I remember being told multiple times that Satan only pays attention to people who are a threat to his mission. I used to think all my adversities could be attributed to the fact that I was doing something so detrimental to the work of evil in this world that obstacles were being thrown my way to deter me.

So. When things started going well for me ... I stopped reading the Bible and being so forward about my "religion." Why? Because I was tired. I was tired of the bad stuff and figured I'd lay low for a while on this whole God thing. I'd still talk to God and serve people and do all those moral things you're supposed to do ... But I certainly didn't want to be noticed. I'm not sure I had the energy for it anymore if that whole theory really was right.

But what this did eventually, was make me feel like I wasn't in the game. And in this passage it says, "You were running well; who hindered you from obeying the truth?"

Uh. Well ...

Your people. Those who claim to be "followers" kind-of left me a little jaded by this whole God thing. And I've just been trying to follow the rules close enough so I don't get yelled at. And what is truth anyway?

God is a God of rules. Lots of them.

Except, if you REALLY read this passage ... He's notsomuch. Because back in the day, all the churchy people kept this whole God thing reserved for people who were exactly like them. It was like a little club or secret society. It wasn't for people on the outside ... and God wasn't having it. It's obvious His "people" didn't quite get that ... but He made sure to repeat Himself until they started to catch on.

So. God is a God of equality. Everyone matters. Everyone.

The kicker: People who love God, are full of what He calls the fruit of the Spirit. I can recite these in my sleep (thanks Sunday school). But the one that stuck out ... Joy. I don't see that a lot. Especially in the traditional church. And if I do ... it's the creepy Christian kind-of joy that makes me feel like I'm in some weird cult.

But joy. Pure joy. I'd like that.

And if maybe I trusted God (which I think is the zinger here) ... I mean, really trusted Him and believed that His intentions aren't to test me or send me threw the ringer ... I may live more intentionally and certainly less fearful. Even if the possibility of the final episode of season 4's Dexter is possible ...

So, what do you think of God?