still chasing

Not to be entirely pessimistic, but I'm beginning to think the whole notion of "following your dreams" has been a bit misleading.

I'll explain.

When I decided to go chasing down my pipe dreams, I didn't anticipate finding new ones in the process. As I realized there were more ways than one to exercise my passions, I found myself overwhelmed and confused by the seemingly endless possibilities.

Before I knew it, I was at a crossroads where the dream that had driven me to this new life was no longer the reason I chose to stay, leaving me paralyzed. I starting to ask myself, "Am I supposed to chase ALL of my dreams? Or do I keep moving forward with the first one ... ignoring all the shiny diversions?"

I keep looking back, wondering if these new dreams will have as much fuel to drive me to new and challenging places as the original one did. Or was that first dream born of an overtly passionate 20-something who, in her naivete, stepped unknowingly into something much larger than herself? Will this older 20-something, in her infinite wisdom about all things life (heavy sarcasm), ever be so naive as to make a leap so reckless again? Did she settle for the 'safer' of the two (devil's advocate. Starting your own company is never the safer of the two - economically. I'm talking emotional security here). I would over-think this so much if it were not for the nagging of the old dream that still lingers just below the surface.

After spending the weekend in Kansas with family and old friends, I was reminded of the passions that once laced every conversation and motivation. I definitely had a personal brand that led everyone to inquire about one thing ... music. And I couldn't help but wonder if I gave up too soon ... hiding behind realism and my ever-logical notion of not wanting to blend in with the crowd. Because, let's be honest, how could a girl from Kansas who doesn't write her own music or lead with her own guitar make it in the music industry without a distinct voice? I wouldn't even buy my records. So, I'd rather help you ... the talented one ... step onto a platform your worthy of. You know, be your manager or run the tour, which was always the fun business route.

But I'm not doing that either.

Not even a trace that initial dream in my current life. And if I were totally honest ... it makes me nauseous.

My point? I'm not sure if I have one. Other than some dreams don't seem to die as you become interested in others. And I'm just wondering if the ones that come back to haunt you are worth dusting back off and pursuing again, or if they are just another piece of nostalgia that remind of you of who you once were (which, by the way, is still a part of ... you). And just for the sake of finding some gray area, is there a way to merge the two? If not, I fear that "following my dreams" will make me even more ADD than I already am. Because, seriously, who only has one dream?